Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm

[schild]

Directed by
Uwe Boll

Credited cast: 
Kristanna Loken ....  Rayne
Michael Madsen ....  Vladimir
Matthew Davis ....  Sebastian (as Matt Davis)
Michelle Rodriguez ....  Katarin
Ben Kingsley ....  Kagan

[MrHat]

Uwe Boll.


Dare you to say it the third time.

[Jdub]

Uwe Derek Boll Smart UWE Derek BOLL Smart UWE DEREK BOLL SMART

[schild]

Famine should be knocking at your door any minute now. He'll have 3 friends with him. I suggest NOT trying to resist. It'll just hurt more.

[MrHat]

The message body was left empty.

[Murgos]

Ben Kingsly looks like he is getting ready to cry.

[Ironwood]

Ben Kingsly looks like he is getting ready to pay the mortgage.

A lot of people seem to forget that it's a job like any other...

[Samprimary]

Oh, god.

Call me when Uwe has finally hunted down and killed every last atom of video game movie credibility.

If we aren't already there.

[Murgos]

Ben Kingsly looks like he is getting ready to pay the mortgage.

A lot of people seem to forget that it's a job like any other...

Yeah and Ben Kingsly does lots of cheap B movies, he's cool like that, it's managed to get him interesting roles over the years.  However, this time he looks like he's thinking "Maybe I went to far this time."

Condescending prick.  I thought FIFY crap was bannable?

[Johny Cee]

I've always wanted to see someone spiral down into madness....

Quick,  someone post an excerpt from Piers Anthony's latest!

[Ironwood]

Settle down there.  You seem to be having a bad day.

I've spent the weekend in the company of various actors and been listening to the stories (one poor girl was in Batman Begins and regaled me with a few tales, the most important of which is that her 'scene' - if you want to call it that - got left on the cutting floor.  Shame).

However, my point is valid - a lot of people seem to take the whole 'they are artists, struggling for their art and cutting whole cloth from the tapestry of media' thing a little too seriously.  (can you think of anyone here that fits the bill ?)  It's nice sometimes to be reminded that, despite occasionally scoring multi-million pound deals and winning awards to the acclaim of millions, that these guys are getting up in the morning and making faces to pay the bills.

Just like the rest of us.

However, in the interests of keeping 'teh hate' flowing :  Fuck you, you complete cockmunch.  Seriously, Go fuck yourself you undressed wank.  Awa, dare I add, and bile yer heid.

[MrHat]

Settle down there.  You seem to be having a bad day.

I've spent the weekend in the company of various actors and been listening to the stories (one poor girl was in Batman Begins and regaled me with a few tales, the most important of which is that her 'scene' - if you want to call it that - got left on the cutting floor.  Shame).

However, my point is valid - a lot of people seem to take the whole 'they are artists, struggling for their art and cutting whole cloth from the tapestry of media' thing a little too seriously.  (can you think of anyone here that fits the bill ?)  It's nice sometimes to be reminded that, despite occasionally scoring multi-million pound deals and winning awards to the acclaim of millions, that these guys are getting up in the morning and making faces to pay the bills.

Just like the rest of us.

However, in the interests of keeping 'teh hate' flowing :  Fuck you, you complete cockmunch.  Seriously, Go fuck yourself you undressed wank.  Awa, dare I add, and bile yer heid.

By the way, he's knighted too.

Sir Kingsley.

[Signe]

Why is everyone picking on Ben Kingsley?  Geez, you people, he used to be Ghandi! 

[TheWalrus]

Chick looks a lil chubby to be playin Rayne. Just sayin.

[MrHat]

Chick looks a lil chubby to be playin Rayne. Just sayin.

No tits either.

[Fargull]

The guy on the right looks like a casting extra from Dumb and Dumber... and yes, she looks about as gothic as a dixie chick...

[Yegolev]

Chubby?  Madsen is chubby.

[Soukyan]

Why is everyone picking on Ben Kingsley?  Geez, you people, he used to be Ghandi! 

Who's Ghandi? I knew a Gandhi once. He's dead now. ;)

[Furiously]

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0398913/

Here. For a little spike of hope.

[jpark]

Settle down there.  You seem to be having a bad day.

I've spent the weekend in the company of various actors and been listening to the stories (one poor girl was in Batman Begins and regaled me with a few tales, the most important of which is that her 'scene' - if you want to call it that - got left on the cutting floor.  Shame).

Do tell - maybe you could include this in the batman thread - I would be interested to hear.

[Murgos]

I like that Ironwood meets an extra who has her scene chopped and I have to suddenly be polite in referencing 'Sir' Ben Kinglsy's facial expressions?

So what if he did it for a paycheck?  His IMAGE ON THE BOX does not look happy to be there.  Get it yet?  It is possible that he did it for a paycheck AND wishes he hadn't and regrets it - you know?  IF the best image they can get of him in costume looks like he ate too many prunes then it probably says something about his state of mind and performance during the movie.

Why the fuck am I explaining this?  Oh, yeah because Ironwood needed to work his hollywood liason into the conversation even if it involved using a crowbar.

[RhyssaFireheart]

Guy on the right has this "Please don't hurt me, I really, really needed the money" look on his face.  And it looks like he's got this funky mullet thing going on, too.

[Fargull]

That is a mullet?  I thought it was a bad wig.  Hope the poor guy does not actually have that hair.

[Merusk]

This movie couldn't possibly cause Haemish physical harm.  I've got one for you.

Quenten Tarinto presents an Uwe Boll film, written by George Lucas and starring Tom Cruise, Roseanne Barr, and -through the CGI Wizadry of ILM- John Wayne.

SB.EXE: The Movie


That'd do him in.

[schild]

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0398913/

Here. For a little spike of hope.

Devon Aoki isn't hot enough and doesn't have the titties to play Kasumi. I predict massive failure. (I still want it to be good though).

[AOFanboi]

His IMAGE ON THE BOX does not look happy to be there.

Er, Kingsley never looks happy. Not in Dave, not in Schindler's List, not in Death and the Maiden. Etc. You get the drift. It's as he's always thinking "I could have been a world-renown pianist but noooo!" or something like that.

[Mr_PeaCH]

This movie couldn't possibly cause Haemish physical harm.  I've got one for you.

Quenten Tarinto presents an Uwe Boll film, written by George Lucas and starring Tom Cruise, Roseanne Barr, and -through the CGI Wizadry of ILM- John Wayne.

SB.EXE: The Movie


That'd do him in.

Yep, that'd do it.

[Dren]

The girl looks trailer park dumpy and not cool.  She also looks like she is lost, not a viscious cold blooded killer.  Did they even play the game before they raped it?

[HaemishM]

No, no, see I'm immune to any of the damage this thread should have caused, because I'VE SEEN THE FUCKING TRAILER OF THIS STINKPILE.

Oh God, it's not even House of the Dead worthy. I weep for Michael Madsen, who could have traded all the cred from his performance in Reservoir Dogs for a serious action movie thing, and instead chose to do Species and other such illustrious movies, as well as ESPN's Poker show. I WEEP I TELL YOU. Though it could be worse, he could be Tom Sizemore and be forced to wear the worst Mo wig EVER as Pete Rose in Hustle. So he's got that going for him.

But Ben Kingsley. He has NO EXCUSE for being in this movie. There are very few things he couldn't be cast as, and yet he seems bound and determined to be in this movie. His agent should be committing hari kari for ever having taken Uwe's call.

And Bloodrayne? Luckily, it isn't like this franchise has any respecibility whatsoever. The first game was decent, but then they decided that the main character should show her pixelated boobies in Playboy to promote the sequel. Thank you, Idoru, but no. That's just retarded. Of course, add on that Uwe can't even get the fucking setting right (you know, that whole 1930's Louisiana not bearing ANY GODDAMN RESEMBLENCE to whatever 17th century Eastern Europeon Fuckelsvania they decided to set it in) and you have a recipe for EBOLA IN A DIXIE CUP WITH A CHASER OF EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA.

[Fabricated]

Jesus Christ, Rayne is a total butterface.

[NiX]

You forgot to put that last line in big bold red, Haem.

[HaemishM]

I did, but Bloodrayne is a vampire, and she sucked it dry by mistake.

[Fargull]

With Thunderbirds and now Bloodrayne, I keep thinking maybe Kingsly is a huge closet nerd and just has no sense of what works in a script on nerd specific movies.  Thunderbirds was not bad strictly as a kid movie.

[ahoythematey]

Maybe Kingsley has become a scientologist.

[Jdub]

What the hell did Uwe do to Kristanna Loken, btw? She was the female terminator in T3, and she was good looking once upon a time...