April 1st Thread

[Shockeye]

Linux looks to Hilton for exposure
By Sam Varghese
April 1, 2005

A new group set up to advance the cause of free and open source software has decided to recruit socialite Paris Hilton into its ranks as a means to gain more exposure.

The Open Source Development League said it was recruiting Ms Hilton because it knew of nobody else who had managed to gain such a degree of exposure despite having no apparent learning in this direction.

"What she managed to do with that video was amazing. If that wasn't enough, then there was the mobile phone address book episode," Jeremy Bleats, the chief executive officer of the League, told a crowded media conference on the banks of the Yarra in Melbourne early today.

Bleats said the only thing that was holding back Linux and other software of the FOSS genre was a lack of exposure. "People should be aware of the breadth and scope of what FOSS has to offer and Ms Hilton can definitely advance that objective," he said. "She can expose things like nobody else can."

He said the League had considered the merits of Pamela Denise Anderson - said by many to be the most downloaded person on the internet - but had finally decided in favour of Ms Hilton.
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"It was more or less a two-horse race when it came to the question of appointing an Exposure Executive," Bleats said. "The horse with longer legs finally won."

Bleats had a word of caution for journalists. "Please do not confuse our League with the Red-Headed League about which Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wove a tale involving Sherlock Holmes," he said. "I have to say this because our Exposure Executive is, at the moment, a redhead."

In the US, the founder of the Free Software Foundation, Richard M. Stallman, dismissed the League's move as a "cheap stunt."

[Shockeye]

Research Center Concludes That Hunters ‘Compensate’ for Diminutive Genitalia by Acting Out Domination Fantasies

For Immediate Release:
April 1, 2005

Contact:
Justin Jest 757-622-7382  x8108

Norfolk, Va. — While the results of the research are preliminary, scientists at the Diminutive Male Genitalia Disorder Research Organization have discovered a genetic link between small penis size and the thrill of the hunt. The organization recently began to tabulate data from a two-year study of men with Diminutive Male Genitalia Disorder (DMGD) and has posted the results on its Web site, DMGD.org.

The subjects of the study varied from men with a slight abnormality in penis size to men with pubis innius, a term for an inverted male pubic region. By tracing what has been identified as the "DMGD gene," an abnormality in the 21st chromosome was discovered. Researchers found that this abnormality appears to be consistently linked to two traits: abnormally small male reproductive organs and the ability to derive joy from killing, which starts with hunting small game and, in isolated instances, can manifest itself in homicidal acts. Research team leader Dr. Brian Upchurch and his colleagues in New Orleans, La., plan to investigate whether DMGD was a factor in the 2004 Sawyer County, Wis., incident in which a deer hunter went on a rampage and killed six other hunters.

"These findings confirm what we have believed for a long time: Hunters just don’t measure up," says PETA’s Justin Jest. "They are apparently overcompensating for their failure to hit the mark in the bedroom by blowing small animals away in the woods."

PETA intends to incorporate the findings of the study into campaign materials to combat hunting.

[Shockeye]

Quench your thirst for knowledge.

At Google our mission is to organize the world's information and make it useful and accessible to our users. But any piece of information's usefulness derives, to a depressing degree, from the cognitive ability of the user who's using it. That's why we're pleased to announce Google Gulp (BETA)™ with Auto-Drink™ (LIMITED RELEASE), a line of "smart drinks" designed to maximize your surfing efficiency by making you more intelligent, and less thirsty.

Think fruity. Think refreshing.
Think a DNA scanner embedded in the lip of your bottle reading all 3 gigabytes of your base pair genetic data in a fraction of a second, fine-tuning your individual hormonal cocktail in real time using our patented Auto-Drink™ technology, and slamming a truckload of electrolytic neurotransmitter smart-drug stimulants past the blood-brain barrier to achieve maximum optimization of your soon-to-be-grateful cerebral cortex. Plus, it's low in carbs! And with flavors ranging from Beta Carroty to Glutamate Grape, you'll never run out of ways to quench your thirst for knowledge.
Beta Carroty    Glutamate Grape    Sugar-Free Radical    Sero-Tonic Water

How to get Gulped?
You can pick up your own supply of this "limited release" product simply by turning in a used Gulp Cap at your local grocery store. How to get a Gulp Cap? Well, if you know someone who's already been "gulped," they can give you one. And if you don't know anyone who can give you one, don't worry – that just means you aren't cool. But very, very (very!) soon, you will be.


Google Gulp and Your Privacy
From time to time, in order to improve Google Gulp's usefulness for our users, Google Gulp will send packets of data related to your usage of this product from a wireless transmitter embedded in the base of your Google Gulp bottle to the GulpPlex™, a heavily guarded, massively parallel server farm whose location is known only to Eric Schmidt, who carries its GPS coordinates on a 64-bit-encrypted smart card locked in a stainless-steel briefcase handcuffed to his right wrist. No personally identifiable information of any kind related to your consumption of Google Gulp or any other current or future Google Foods product will ever be given, sold, bartered, auctioned off, tossed into a late-night poker pot, or otherwise transferred in any way to any untrustworthy third party, ever, we swear. See our Privacy Policy.

[Shockeye]

2005 Britannica takeover of Wikimedia
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

On April 1, 2005, Encyclopædia Britannica - The Free Encyclopædia announced its immediate hostile takeover of the Wikimedia Foundation and all of its projects, including Wikipedia (now called Wikipædia), Wikimedia, Wikisource, Wikibooks, and Wikinews.

The agreement reportly included a $133.7 million severance package for each of the five members on the Wikimedia Foundation Board of Directors. Wikimedia founder Jimbo Wales, giving a brief statement to the National Enquirer from his Maui survivalist compound that he shares with domestic partner Larry "Bud" Melman, was reported to be "extremely pleased" with the agreement. Internal Britannica discussions with investors indicate discomfort that "the Wikipedia wasn't that free an encyclopedia after all."

I'd post the rest, but only Bruce will care enough to find it funny. He can go read it himself.

[SnotBag]

http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=JPost/JPArticle/Printer&cid=1111980180248&p=1101615860782

 A thorough analysis of the Koran reveals that the US will cease to exist in the year 2007, according to research published by Palestinian scholar Ziad Silwadi.
The study, which has caught the attention of millions of Muslims worldwide, is based on in-depth interpretations of various verses in the Koran. It predicts that the US will be hit by a tsunami larger than that which recently struck southeast Asia.

"The tsunami waves are a minor rehearsal in comparison with what awaits the US in 2007," the researcher concluded in his study. "The Holy Koran warns against the Omnipotent Allah's force. A great sin will cause a huge flood in the Atlantic and Pacific oceans."

Silwadi, who is from the village of Silwad near Ramallah – the home of Hamas leader Khaled Mashaal – is not a world-renowned scholar. He said he decided to publish the findings of his research "out of a sense of responsibility because what is about to happen is extremely shocking and frightening."

His fear, he said, is that the world economy, which relies heavily on the US dollar, would be deeply affected by the collapse of the US.

"It would be fair to say that the world would be better off with a US that is not a superpower and that does not take advantage of weak nations than a world where this country does not exist at all," he added."The world will certainly lose a lot if and when this disaster occurs because of the great services that American society has rendered to the economy, industry and science."

Silwadi said his study of the Koran showed that the US would perish mainly because of its great sins against mankind, including the Native Americans and blacks.

"As soon as the Europeans started arriving in the new world discovered by Christopher Columbus in 1492, they declared a war on the so-called Red Indians, the legitimate owners of the land," he wrote. "Then they began enslaving and humiliating Africans after kidnapping them from their countries and bringing them to America. Millions of blacks were brought to the US and treated with unprecedented harshness. Those who became ill during the journey were thrown overboard to feed the fish."

Silwadi pointed out that the US continued to commit war crimes and "ethnic cleansing" against humanity by becoming the first country to use nuclear weapons during World War II.

"International law penalizes such crimes," he said. "If these laws were not applied then, they are certainly implemented in heaven. If no one on earth is capable of punishing [the US], Allah was and remains able to do so. All these actions have been documented by Allah in a big archive called the Koran."

Silwadi said he reached the conclusion that several suras (chapters) in the Koran that talk about punishment for those who perpetrate heinous sins actually refer to the US.

As an example, he quotes in his study verse 40 of the Spider Sura, which states: "So each We [God] punished for his sin; of them was he on whom We sent down a violent storm, and of them was he whom the rumbling overtook, and of them was he whom We made to be swallowed up by the earth, and of them he whom We drowned; and it did not beseem Allah that He should be unjust to them, but they were unjust to their own souls."

Drawing parallels between Pharaoh and the US, who share the same "sin" of arrogance and excessive pride, Silwadi noted that the Koran mentions at least 12 times the fact that Pharaoh was punished by drowning for his evil deeds.

The Narrative Sura, he noted, clearly suggests that the US will drown in the sea: "And Firon [Pharaoh] said: O chiefs! I do not know of any god for you besides myself; therefore kindle a fire for me And he was unjustly proud in the land, he and his hosts, and they deemed that they would not be brought back to Us. So We caught hold of him and his hosts, then We cast them into the sea, and see how was the end of the unjust [verses 38-40]."

Explaining his theory about the approaching extinction of the US, the scholar went on to analyze many numbers and letters mentioned in the Koran. He said a careful reading and analysis of words appearing in the Opening and Yusuf suras show that the US will exist for only 231 years.

How did he reach that number? Silwadi said that by combing a number of suras hinting at US sins he reached the numbers 1776 (the year the US achieved independence) and 231. He added the two numbers and the result was 2007, the year when the US is expected to disappear.

In his lengthy study, which is being circulated in many Muslim countries, Silwadi noted that the US has often been compared to a tree that grows very quickly and bears fruit, but has no roots.

In an attempt to find a reference to this metaphor in the Koran, Silwadi said he counted 1776 verses from the beginning of the Koran until he reached verse 26 of the Ibrahim Sura, which states: "And the parable of an evil word is as an evil tree pulled up from the earth's surface; it has no stability."

[eldaec]

http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=mtgcom/feature/258

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,277-1550278,00.html

[stray]

I just hope that Sin City is actually released *today*. I'll be pissed if that's a joke too.

[Ironwood]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/4400535.stm

[schild]

http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=mtgcom/feature/258

R&D is doing a little experiment in how much we can influence our audience. We've controlled metagames, deck choices, color choices; it seemed only fair to move our expertise online. Well, discounting Magic Online. If we can get you to pay for an Akroma or an entwined Tooth and Nail, then why can't we get you to pay for premium. It will make your decks 57% better. That statistic, like 74% of the statistics that show up on this site, is made up.

Brilliant.

[Shockeye]

World of Wordcraft
The first MMOWP? First details and screens!
by Timuri

April 1, 2005 - In a move to prove that the pen is mightier than the sword, Microsoft announced today that they are taking the first steps to combine the ever-popular MMO genre and productivity software. Hailed as the first MMOWP (that's massively multiplayer online word processor), Microsoft revealed to IGN that World of Wordcraft has been in the works for nearly 18 months now, and is currently in beta test phase.

"We've sold more than 157 million copies of Microsoft Word over the years," Microsoft representative Gill Bates told us, "and while upgrades such as WYSIWYG, extensive font libraries and the ability to insert tables directly from Microsoft Excel were nice additions, no feature this revolutionary has ever been attempted in the realm of productivity software."

Set in the fantastical land of Pagination, World of Wordcraft pits you in the role of a heroic wordsmith saving the kingdom from the malevolent "Typos," horribly misshapen creatures produced by the maniacal wizard Douglass C. Perry.

Although there's no combat in World of Wordcraft, you obtain experience points, and gain levels, by increasing your typing speed over time, setting advanced indentations and correcting spelling and grammar errors in a timely manner. Achieving new levels in World of Wordcraft allows you to unlock advanced functions.

One of the advanced operations that Microsoft informed us of is an autoformat function. If the first thing you type on a page is a person's name followed by a comma, World of Wordcraft's in-package helper, Clippy, will be magically summoned, tell you that "it appears you are typing a letter," and will ask you if you wish to layout the rest of the page with letter formatting.

Microsoft assures us that no one will ever find this feature annoying, and that Clippy will be a constant lovable companion who will travel with you everywhere on your journeys through Pagination. Clippy can be unsummoned, but only if you find the secret pulldown menu hidden deep within the Dungeon of Two Dozen Preference Pages, a foreboding area that's hopelessly difficult to navigate.

In addition to unlocking these advanced functions, like any good MMO, users will be awarded with items such as uncommon fonts (KellyAnnGothic, anyone?), foreign language collections and new text color packs such as "dragon's blood red" and "undead olive."

Being a massively multiplayer online word processor, you can also expect plenty of community tools. In addition to the normal chat window, Microsoft plans for a full guild system, complete with reading groups, copy editing pools and group raids where you can invade opposing players' documents.

Like nearly every MMO on the market, World of Wordcraft will carry a periodic fee -- in this case $14.95/month -- in addition to an initial retail price of $199. While the price may seem high, the package also includes trial versions of ExcelQuest -- already in beta test phase -- and PowerPoint Online. Look for World of Wordcraft later this year, and as always, expect to learn more about this exciting new title as we hear it.

[Shockeye]

Zapper Goes DS
Now "touching" can also mean "shooting" in classic remakes.
by Craig Harris

April 1, 2005 - After discovering the Pennysaver exclusive this week, we managed to secure the exclusive that Nintendo will be branching out its Classic NES Series onto the company's other handheld system, the Nintendo DS.

The Classic NES Series has had a comfortable life on the Game Boy Advance with a total of twelve games released in 2004. Nintendo will up that number with two more on the Nintendo DS.

Two games will kick off the series on the Nintendo DS, both games taking advantage of the system's touch screen functionality to emulate the NES Zapper controller: Hogan's Alley and Duck Hunt.

The games will be identical to the NES titles, but instead of requiring gamers to take aim at the screen at a distance, Nintendo's made the gameplay much more intuitive by requiring a simple "tap" on the items to shoot them.

As a bonus, a special edition NES Zapper Stylus will be packaged in each box of these apocryphal games.



"Games have become too complicated over the years," stated a Nintendo representative. "Aiming and shooting a gun is too difficult for people to understand, so we made the games a lot more accessible to the mainstream with the Nintendo DS touch screen.

"We ripped off...er, I mean, we were inspired by the inclusion of the Hogan's Alley and Duck Hunt mini-games on Wario Ware Touched, so we thought, what the hell. It's not like these games cost us anything to develop. Hey, it's almost like we should be paying you to play them they're so cheap to us."

Though the original NES game shipped with an all gray lightgun, Nintendo instead has opted for the newer orange model on the Special Edition stylus.

"Unfortunately, we couldn't use the original gray Zapper for the special edition stylus, since we were afraid that cops might mistaken it for a real stylus," said the company representative. "You never know what kids these days might do. So, dayglow orange it is!"

[Shockeye]

Okay, We Give Up
From the April 2005 Issue of Scientific American.
Who said scientists had no sense' of humor?

There's no easy way to admit this. For years, helpful letter writers told us to stick to science. They pointed out that science and politics don't mix. They said we should be more balanced in our presentation of such issues as creationism, missile defense and global warming. We resisted their advice and pretended not to be stung by the accusations that the magazine should be renamed Unscientific American, or Scientific Unamerican, or even Unscientific Unamerican. But spring is in the air, and all of nature is turning over a new leaf, so there's no better time to say: you were right, and we were wrong.

In retrospect, this magazine's coverage of socalled evolution has been hideously one-sided. For decades, we published articles in every issue that endorsed the ideas of Charles Darwin and his cronies. True, the theory of common descent through natural selection has been called the unifying concept for all of biology and one of the greatest scientific ideas of all time, but that was no excuse to be fanatics about it.

Where were the answering articles presenting the powerful case for scientific creationism? Why were we so unwilling to suggest that dinosaurs lived 6,000 years ago or that a cataclysmic flood carved the Grand Canyon? Blame the scientists. They dazzled us with their fancy fossils, their radiocarbon dating and their tens of thousands of peer-reviewed journal articles. As editors, we had no business being persuaded by mountains of evidence.

Moreover, we shamefully mistreated the Intelligent Design (ID) theorists by lumping them in with creationists. Creationists believe that God designed all life, and that's a somewhat religious idea. But ID theorists think that at unspecified times some unnamed superpowerful entity designed life, or maybe just some species, or maybe just some of the stuff in cells. That's what makes ID a superior scientific theory: it doesn't get bogged down in details.

Good journalism values balance above all else. We owe it to our readers to present everybody's ideas equally and not to ignore or discredit theories simply because they lack scientifically credible arguments or facts. Nor should we succumb to the easy mistake of thinking that scientists understand their fields better than, say, U.S. senators or best-selling novelists do. Indeed, if politicians or special-interest groups say things that seem untrue or misleading, our duty as journalists is to quote them without comment or contradiction. To do otherwise would be elitist and therefore wrong. In that spirit, we will end the practice of expressing our own views in this space: an editorial page is no place for opinions.

Get ready for a new Scientific American. No more discussions of how science should inform policy. If the government commits blindly to building an anti-ICBM defense system that can't work as promised, that will waste tens of billions of taxpayers' dollars and imperil national security, you won't hear about it from us. If studies suggest that the administration's antipollution measures would actually increase the dangerous particulates that people breathe during the next two decades, that's not our concern. No more discussions of how policies affect science either so what if the budget for the National Science Foundation is slashed? This magazine will be dedicated purely to science, fair and balanced science, and not just the science that scientists say is science. And it will start on April Fools' Day.

Okay, We Give Up

MATT COLLINS
THE EDITORS editors@sciam.com
COPYRIGHT 2005 SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN, INC.

[HaemishM]

Le brillant !

[Shockeye]

Enterprise Saved ... With Strings Attached
04.01.2005

With Star Trek: Enterprise hanging by a veritable thread the last two years, a new direction for the show has recently been unveiled that is being hailed both as a triumph of corporate synergy for the Viacom-owned Paramount Pictures, and a way to keep the show on the air. If you recall news reports from last year, UPN agreed to renew Enterprise for a fourth season in exchange for substantially lowering the license fee it pays to Paramount for the show. In order to remain on the network for a fifth season, the license fee would have to be reduced even more — to a level at which, under normal circumstances, the sci-fi show would be impossible to produce.

Enter the darlings of Viacom-owned Comedy Central, Star Trek fans Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of South Park. Parker and Stone, you may recall, also made Paramount's "Team America: World Police," which ran in theaters last year and comes out on DVD in May. The movie grossed only $50 million worldwide, but it turned a profit for the studio due to its low production budget.

"The pieces fall together brilliantly," said a top Viacom spokesperson. "Matt and Trey take over Enterprise, and it's all done with marionettes! It's like Thunderbirds and Captain Scarlet all over. Gerry Anderson, watch out."

The retooled show, under the new name Team Enterprise, will still feature the voice talents of Scott Bakula, Jolene Blalock, and most of the original cast. (Those who are not invited back to voice their character parts due to budget constraints will be invited to write an episode as compensation.)

The actors are excited about the prospect of continuing the show without the hassle of costumes, makeup and 16-hour workdays. "Now I won't have to get to work super early in the morning and sit in a chair for hours and hours getting appliances glued to my face before going on set," said Linda Park. John Billingsley, who was standing nearby, interrupted and pointed out that it was in fact he, not she, who had to suffer that particular indignity. Another actor requested the producers install a high-speed internet connection and a microphone at her house so she could just phone in her performance.

Parker and Stone have already started making a shooting model of the Enterprise NX-01, thus reviving an old Star Trek tradition. "We prefer the look of physical, tangible models over CGI ships any day," Parker said. "Of course, we have no visual effects budget whatsoever, so we won't be painting out the strings. You'll get used to it. Still trying to figure out where to put the propeller."

"We're also gonna re-do the opening title sequence," Stone revealed. "Record a new theme — something bombastic, action-oriented. Y'know, something that isn't, like, totally gay."

These ambitions may put the squeeze on an already bare-bones budget. But the new Trek producers can cut corners by utilizing existing props and sets from "Team America." So don't be surprised if Captain Archer looks suspiciously like Alec Baldwin, Trip Tucker like Matt Damon, Travis Mayweather like Samuel L. Jackson, T'Pol like Janeane Garofalo, and Malcolm Reed like Susan Sarandon. But it's all in good fun and shouldn't cause any more harm to the continuity of Star Trek.

Parker and Stone are looking forward to revealing, once and for all, the identity of "Future Guy": Kim Jong-Il.

[Shockeye]

Mario blamed for teen's turtle-toppling rampage
Anti-game attorney Fred Johnson calls reptile deaths "avoidable" and holds Nintendo and its "pernicious plumber" responsible.

On Wednesday, tragedy struck Las Tortugas de Jesus, a sea turtle sanctuary in Akumal, Mexico, just south of Cancun. A vacationing 16-year-old teen entered the endangered terrapins' safe haven and began jumping on top the nesting reptiles with both feet. 34 turtles were killed in the rampage, and 15 more were wounded. The perpetrator was uninjured.

"It was horrible," recalled witness Bruce Worthington. "I brought my family all the way from Wichita to see the Loggerheads nest and have a few strawberry margaritas. Everything was going fine, it was a serene scene. Then, out of nowhere, some kid entered the nesting area and began violently jumping on the turtle's heads."

The teenager, whose name is being withheld, admitted to local authorities that he was re-enacting a scene from the game Super Mario Bros. In the Nintendo title, an Italian plumber, Mario, jumps on turtles, killing them, and then uses their carapaces as weapons.

"Life is like a videogame," the teenager reportedly said before being dragged away by local police. "If I hadn't jumped on those turtles, they would've sprouted wings and could've kidnapped the princess. What then, huh? HUH?!"

"This must stop!" decreed crusading anti-game attorney Fred Johnson. Johnson has long been a critic of the industry, saying multi-million-selling titles such as Grand Theft Auto should be banned for causing violent behavior in a half-dozen teenagers. "Those creatures out there weren't just turtles. They were mothers, they were fathers, sisters, brothers. How do you explain to their families what happened? That blood is on Nintendo's hands."

"He's a good boy," said the teenager's father, who declined to give his name. "He's active in school sports and made honor roll last semester. I don't know what happened. May be we should have let him bring his Game Boy on vacation.

Officials from the local US consulate were also on hand to survey the carnage. "I've never seen anyone take out so many opponents so efficiently," consular official John Sommerhalder said. "It's like he was trained. I haven't seen anything like this since Honduras in '85."

Brian Sanderson, a representative for Nintendo of America, said, "We at Nintendo would like to express our grief and condolences to the next of kin of the turtles lost in the tragedy. In no way do we condone such behavior as exhibited by the young man. Nintendo's products are meant to be family-oriented entertainment."

By Pierre Chang -- GameSpot
POSTED: 04/01/05 11:44 AM PST