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f13.net  |  f13.net General Forums  |  General Discussion  |  Serious Business  |  Topic: Why Did Jesus Have Long Hair Like a Homo? 0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
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Author Topic: Why Did Jesus Have Long Hair Like a Homo?  (Read 2989 times)
Shockeye
Staff Emeritus
Posts: 6668

Skinny-dippin' in a sea of Lee, I'd propose on bended knee...


WWW
on: February 19, 2005, 08:03:37 PM

Quote from: Landover Baptist Church
Christian Kids Want to Know!



Dear Paster,

Last weak at homeskool, me and my bruther was lookin at some pitchures of Jezus, and we sawed he had reel long hairs on his haid.  He looks like my sister, Suzanna Beth. I askded my teachur (momma) if that means Jezus were a gay old butt-sniffin' homo like my momma's cousin, "Gay Bobby," cause neither of theys never got marryed.  But my momma did'nt no the anser.  Can you pleaze tell us?

Yours in Criyst Jezus,

- Billy-Joe


Dear Billy-Joe,

God bless you, young man, and thank you for bringing up this important question. I understand it can be difficult when you see all those photographs of Jesus in your Children's Bible and wonder whether you're gazing upon our Beloved Savior, or just some scruffy hustler swishing along in the Wigstock Parade.

Add to that Jesus’ effeminate yearnings for such staples of the homosexual agenda as so-called “peace,” “love,” and “compassion,” and it’s perfectly understandable how an good, decent, conservative youngster like yourself would start to out-and-out DESPISE the Lord.

Fortunately, there are perfectly rational reasons for why the earliest known photographs of Jesus show him with girlishly elongated hairs.

First, what you must understand is that after Jesus accepted himself as Lord and Savior, and became the first Christian - what do you think was the first thing he did?  I'll give you a hint - It is a tradition that we here at Landover Baptist carry on to this very day! It is the first thing the Holy Ghost whispers into your ear, the minute you get saved.  That's right, Billy-Joe.  Jesus got a haircut.

The reason you see so many pictures of Jesus with long hair is because those pictures were drawn by unsaved people.  Most of them were drawn by hell-bound, pasta-slurping, Mary-worshipping, hell-bound Catholics. 

Jesus had short hair, Billy-Joe.  And He was always clean-shaven for the last three years of His life here on Earth.  Can you imagine how painful it must have been for Him to pluck His nose hairs with a wooden tweezers? He did it for you, Billy.  He did it because He loves you, not the way a homosexual loves another man, but the way a Father loves his son.  And you must follow His example.

If the false images of Jesus with long hair are a stumbling block for you, then just tear them out of your Bible.   For a more accurate example of what Jesus would look like if He were walking amongst us today, just gaze on the portrait of our Godly President, George W. Bush, hanging in the main sanctuary. 

If you'd like to have the pictures of Jesus in your Bible replaced with photographs of President Bush, then ask your mother to contact Youth Pastor Geoffrey Weaver. We have printed out several thousand copies of a new children's Bible with the pictures already replaced.

God Bless You,

- Pastor
stray
Terracotta Army
Posts: 16818

has an iMac.


Reply #1 on: February 19, 2005, 08:28:22 PM

Actually, I've had a "debate" with door-to-door Jehovah's Witnesses (are there any other kind?) about this sort of thing. Not quite as silly as this (which obviously is a joke), but I had to question them about it, since the Jesus depicted in their Watchtower tracts has short hair. They tried to argue that all Jews had short hair, while the rest of world had long (obviously speaking out of their asses, because Romans and Greeks were known to cut their hair and shave, while Arabs, Persians, or Jews were never described or depicted that way).


Watchtower Jesus

On a sidenote: What is known is that all of the earliest known depictions of Jesus come from the same source (what that source is exactly is up for debate). The earliest images being the ones engraved on 1st century coins and the Pantokrator icon, the standard portrait of Christ in the early church. Oddly enough, all follow the same patterns, hairline, hair length, facial marks, and face shape as the image on the Shroud of Turin.
Shockeye
Staff Emeritus
Posts: 6668

Skinny-dippin' in a sea of Lee, I'd propose on bended knee...


WWW
Reply #2 on: February 19, 2005, 08:29:07 PM

Yes, Landover Baptist Chruch is a joke.

But it's a damn funny joke and always worth reading.

Quote from: Landover
Things aren’t so simple any more. Witches have learned a lot since the days of the Puritans. They’ve learned that if they show their hideous faces in public, it won’t just be their warts we burn off. So, they’ve had to go undercover in their efforts to recruit the weak-willed to the service of their master in Hell. To induce these naïve innocents to join their filthy cult, they have been forced to come up with a politically correct justification for their association. They have had to conceal the real purpose of their late-night meetings, when they cast spells on the vulnerable, brew hideous potions, and sacrifice infants to the devil. They have had to come up with a modern message that will be attractive to the weak-kneed while not raising the ire of True Christians™ that much. That message is called “vegetarianism.” Today’s witches are called “vegans.”

Paelos
Contributor
Posts: 27075

Error 404: Title not found.


Reply #3 on: February 21, 2005, 07:06:33 AM

Ah, Landover. I'm glad it's around to point out the fundy nutjobs. They do get a little to far into heresy sometimes, but I think they make a good point about the absurdities of some Christian doctrines.

CPA, CFO, Sports Fan, Game when I have the time
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