Battle of the Network Stars

[Shockeye]

Network stars ready to go
By Sarah Rodman
Sunday, February 13, 2005

I am on a crusade.
 
     The kind of crusade only a person who writes about television would be foolhardy enough to entertain.
 
     I want to bring back ``The Battle of the Network Stars.''
 
     For those of you too young to remember, ``Battle'' was a gloriously cheesetastic string of specials that ran on ABC in the '70s and '80s.
 
     Stars such as Gabe ``Mr. Kotter'' Kaplan and Robert ``knock this battery off my shoulder'' Conrad led teams of fellow actors from their respective networks in silly camp-style athletic contests.
 
     Broadcast sports legend Howard Cosell provided commentary. Women such as Catherine ``Daisy Duke'' Bach provided the T & A -tenacity and athletics.
 
     It was hilarious.
 
     NBC president Jeff Zucker recently joked that the ratings for the four major networks were so close that the rankings were really about ``ego and bragging rights.''
 
     So why not bring back the ``Battle'' and separate the 18- to 49-year-olds from the boys?
 
     In a head-to-head Simon Says game, how would ``Alias'' superspy Jennifer Garner fare against ``24's'' stoic Keifer Sutherland? Who would win a tug-of-war between the skinny divas of ``The O.C.'' and ``Desperate Housewives''? Wouldn't it be fun if the hunks from such teen dramas as ``Everwood'' and ``One Tree Hill'' faced the casts of the ``CSI'' shows in a three-legged race?
 
     Tell me that wouldn't make great television.
 
     ``That was such a great show. My wife asked me about that the other day,'' said ABC president Steve McPherson. ``I like it, I'm in, I'll call my buddy (NBC entertainment president Kevin) Reilly and see what he says.''
 
     No need to pick up that phone. I asked him.
 
     ``It's not out of the question,'' Reilly said. ``Not this season, but we've talked about it. It comes up every once in awhile. I don't know. Let's work on it.''
 
     WB president David Janollari gave the ``Battle'' the thumbs-up, and he believes the other networks could be brought on board.
 
     ``Why not? Because it would cross-promote everyone's show.''
 
     He already has an idea for the WB captain.
 
     ``Why, Tom Welling (of `Smallville') because he's Superman!''
 
     Even some TV stars are hot for a new competition.
 
     ``That would be fantastic. I'm ready, I'm in,'' said ABC sitcom star George Lopez. ``We could have a 100-yard golf hole set up and we would challenge other networks to see who could hit closest to the pin.''
 
     For competitors, Lopez has his eye on Ray Romano, Matt LeBlanc and ``anybody from `Scrubs' would be nice. Zach Braff, he's too young and successful to not be dinged. That is a great idea. Bowling would be good, poker, a little flag football and a little comedy-off at night, I'd bury those guys in a comedy-off.''
 
     Tammy Lynn Michaels of the NBC sitcom ``Committed'' bubbled over when reminded of the old shows.
 
     ``Are you kidding me? I would kick (butt). I would do softball, I would be good at any sort of obstacle course. Any sort of throwing, I have killer aim. Yes, I'm in.''
 
     ``Gilmore Girls'' co-star Keiko Agena voted for a new event: a drinking competition.
 
     The petite actress gamely stated, ``I could wipe the floor with Mischa Barton from `The O.C.' She's tall but she's skinny.''
 
     Marlboro native Marcia Cross of ``Desperate Housewives'' - like many of the stars, hmmm - got on board with the competitive cocktail concept.
 
     ``Definitely the drinking,'' she said. ``How about a champagne contest?''
 
     ``Drinking and maybe some sort of nude Twister,'' said John Stamos of ABC's upcoming ``Jake in Progress.'' ``Then you can count me in.''
 
     ``If you're trying to get a petition going, I will sign it,'' said Will Arnett, who plays Gob the magician on Fox's ``Arrested Development.'' ``It would have to be something like crawling under barbed wire or something, I'd be pretty good at that.''
 
     He threw down the glove to his wife, ``Saturday Night Live'' anchor babe Amy Poehler, and her castmates.
 
     ``I'd compete against all those people over at `SNL.' In a sporting event is the only way I'd take them on.''
 
     The stars are ready, the network suits are primed - so, someone, please, bring back my ``Battle.'' I need my cheese.

[Kenrick]

You're really enjoying yourself with this board, aren't you.   

[WayAbvPar]

BotNS was the original reason for the Unintentional Comedy Scale. I would watch it religiously.

[Shockeye]

Yes I'm enjoying myself and if you all aren't good I'll grief you with "Circus of the Stars" vidcaps.

[Trippy]

I loved that show. Most of the actors/actresses took it seriously and were pretty competitive (the men especially), and of course having the women in bathing suits during the swimming competition didn't hurt. The ending tug-of-war was always very intense and watching Mark Harmon's (ex-UCLA quarterback) NBC team kick everybody else's butt in flag football was fun.