For a Limited Time Only - Food Reviews

[Paelos]

It's an idea I've been kicking around for a while. You all see those food commercials on TV for items at the chains, and they are always for a limited time. Sometimes, you wonder if they are any good. Sometimes they look so freaking bizarre you want someone to eat it so you can laugh at their misfortune. This thread will be that place. I can also recommend that people do their own reviews here using the scoring system, or they recommend stuff I should go try that they looks good/hilarious/revolting!

I start simply with an item that Hardees is offering in order to compete with the chicken sandwich varations that McDonalds and Chik-Fil-A have on the market. It's called the Chicken Fillet Sandwich. Here's an ad picture:


I'll be judging this, as I will all the items on a 1-5 score in four different categories: Taste, Presentation/Quality, Nutrition, and Value

Taste - The first impression of the chicken sandwich is that it's a fried chicken sandwich. It does taste like chicken, but it's a little uneven in the moisture department. On the edges the chicken is a little tougher and chewier than in the middle thicker section where it is very nice and moist. The breading is good and not overseasoned. You aren't blown away with salt or the chemical taste you'd get on a McChicken. As per usual, they are a bit heavy-handed with the mayo, so I would leave that off and ask for packets instead. Overall, it's better than most in the flavor department. Score: 3.5

Presentation/Quality - The first thing you notice is that the sandwich isn't wrapped. It comes in a box and inside it's got this folded paper burger-diaper so you can hold it. It's pretty fancy looking for a fast food sandwich. There are some things that detract from the presentation, however. Mainly, the lettuce and tomato suck. Now, I've never had a good fast food tomato, so I'm not going to spend long on that, but the lettuce could be more than just a leaf of iceburg. Chick-Fil-A does this much more justice with an actual green piece of Romaine that they serve on their deluxe. Score: 2

Nutrition - Hardees is always going to be the worst on nutrition. They make no apologies for that. The sandwich is 680 calories and 37g fat. Compared to Chick-Fil-A, that one is 420 and 16g fat. McDonalds is 510 and 22g fat. So, the long and short of it is that Hardees chicken is somewhere worse than eating any of the other chain's chicken sandwiches, or even a Quarter Pounder with cheese. I wouldn't eat it on a diet, or if you gave a damn at all. Score: 1

Value - The sandwich sells retail for $3.99, but I had a coupon off their main website for a buck off. So, for ~$3, I would say the sandwich is a pretty solid deal. You're going to pay $4.50 for a better sandwich at Chick-Fil-A though, so I wouldn't pay for the Hardees version unless you had the discount coupon. Score: 2.5

Final Score: 9

Rating System:
1-5 - I wouldn't even force-feed this to Bobby Kotick
6-10 - Meh, there's a reason it's for a limited time
11-15 - I'd eat this during a raid, or while watching college football
16-20 - FUCK YEAH, PUT THIS IN YOUR FACE!

[Khaldun]

Doesn't Onion AV do a column like this? "We Actually Ate This" or something like that?

[Paelos]

Doesn't Onion AV do a column like this? "We Actually Ate This" or something like that?

Not sure. I figured we don't talk much about national food much here, so I'd open up the floor to trying stuff to see if it's as shitty as you'd think. I think next on my list are the Pineapple-Mango smoothie from McDonalds, and a Pulled Pork Sub from Subway.

Also, any suggestions on things yall see in the commercials I'll look at as well if they have it down South. Mostly I'm just doing this because I think it's fun for my own benefit and to sort of practice my writing in a regular format. However, if people like it all the better!

[MuffinMan]

So this is sort of like animal testing on monkeys? I'm in.

I noticed Wendy's has a new Cheddar Baconator. The triple is the only way to go so you can get the full flavor profile.

[Paelos]

So this is sort of like animal testing on monkeys? I'm in.

Yes, that's exactly what it is.

[Azazel]

I'd read it!

[SnakeCharmer]

You know what would really add to this?  A picture of the food as it looked when you got it - not a marketing picture.  Everybody has a cel phone with a camera these days, so just use that.

[RhyssaFireheart]

You know what would really add to this?  A picture of the food as it looked when you got it - not a marketing picture.  Everybody has a cel phone with a camera these days, so just use that.

Definitely.  Because marketing/advertising photos of food seem to have very little in common with what is actually served.  That would make a nice comparison.

[Merusk]

To be fair.. the food in marketing is prepped using either best quality ingredients (This lettuce isn't green enough. Throw it out.) or substutes (lard is photographed in place of icecream since it won't melt).  It also is made by a guy who's making more than $7.50 an hour to make it look fantastic rather than slap it together ASAP.

If you've had food at a local restaurant (vs a national chain) that thought it was a good idea to put pictures on the menu, you see the difference.

[MuffinMan]

I remember watching a show where it talked about food photography. It was probably an episode of Unwrapped. You're right about best quality ingredients of course but the actual food itself is required to be the real deal and not substitutes. This only applies to the food being sold, though. For example, the milk pictured on the cereal box can be lard since it is only selling the cereal. Same thing probably if ice cream is pictured on the box for apple pie or something.

On that note, Unwrapped has always been one of my favorite shows. I've sat down and watched entire marathons. Is it marketing in disguise for the food they are talking about? Yes, but I still find the show very interesting.

[Lanei]

I remember watching a show where it talked about food photography. It was probably an episode of Unwrapped. You're right about best quality ingredients of course but the actual food itself is required to be the real deal and not substitutes.

However it does not regulate preparation technique.  So that perfectly evenly browned meat with the grill marks was actually browned and marked by an artist with a blowtorch, not by being cooked on a grill.  As you said, find the one perfect piece of lettuce, use an eyedropper to place the beads of moisture on the tomato slices. 

[MuffinMan]

I think someone should take fast food commercials and edit in footage of the actual items they get from the restaurant to be part of the commercial. Unless someone has already done that, it's a youtube sensation waiting to happen. I would do it but I barely have the motivation to put on pants in the morning.

[Paelos]

You know what would really add to this?  A picture of the food as it looked when you got it - not a marketing picture.  Everybody has a cel phone with a camera these days, so just use that.

Definitely.  Because marketing/advertising photos of food seem to have very little in common with what is actually served.  That would make a nice comparison.

I will find my camera and do that. Good idea.

[Strazos]

I think you should do a review of the largest shake Coldstone offers. 

[Paelos]

Next up on the list is the Mango-Pineapple smoothie from McDonalds. Here's the really awful commercial for the product:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEIhYQsxmKc

Now, I like to play a little game in this ad called "Spot the Honky." I think there might be one smiling behind the black lady's arm at 25s in. I can't be sure though. He might be Puerto Rican. I think it's safe to say they aren't marketing this product at me.

Anyway on to the actual review. No pics of this one because it's just a smoothie in a cup. You're not going to get much on that shot. Also, I still can't find my camera yet. No, I don't have one on my phone.

Taste - Shockingly, the taste is not bad. You normally expect a lot of cloying sweetness from both mangoes and pineapple, but they've tempered the sweetness nicely. The blend is good, it's not icy and it maintains the same consistency throughout the whole beverage. That's a big problem for me on other blended drinks like frappachinos in the past. All in all, the taste is better than I expected, and it was very refreshing for a hot day. Score: 4

Presentation/Quality - Nothing fancy here. Smoothie in a clear plastic cup with a normal lid. Label sticker on the side says what flavor it is. Upon investigating the ingredients, I find out that it's a combination of a "fruit base", ice, and yogurt. The fruit base is a combination of pineapple juice, mango puree, OJ, pineapple puree, apple juice, and flavors. High fructose corn syrup is not listed anywhere. Points to them on that one. Score: 3.5

Nutrition - I had a small 12oz version and that was 220 calories. Considering the kind of caloric hogs you can get at McDonalds, this is certainly on the smaller end. I'll compare it to a Smoothie King version called Mangofest, which prorated to that size would be about 170 calories. So, slightly worse for you than that. Here's my main problem. 12 oz of just plain pineapple juice is going to be 190 calories and give you 150% of your daily vitamin C. 12oz of this has more calories and someone only gives you 40%??? Where did all my vitamins go? Score - 1.5

Value - It was $2.29 for a small smoothie. While that's not bad, it's not cheap either when you can get a double cheeseburger, a small fry, and a medium diet coke for $3. But you're expected to pay a little more for something healthier, right? Except it's not that much healthier as I've shown with the weird lack of vitamins and more calories. I'd say the right price some something like this is about $1.50, so they are off by 50%+ on their price point. Score - 1

Final Score: 10

Rating System:

1-5 - My dog threw up after I gave it to him.
6-10 - Good enough to try once, not good enough to have again.
11-15 - I'm having another one tomorrow.
16-20 - I'm having this stuck directly to my veins.

[01101010]

Oh what bad timing of the McRib LTO. I ate those just to say I did it... as if it was a mark of courage or bravery. Keep up the good work. I'll keep an eye out, but for reference, where are you? Reason I ask is that some places lack food establishments and would hate to be disappointed with a great review and being physically unable to participate.

[Merusk]

Was it apple juice or apple juice concentrate?  I read that apple and pear juice concentrates are being used to replace HFCS because they have the same sweetening profile (lots of sweet, little to no flavor) but none of the HFCS stigma yet.

The extra calories were probably from the yogurt.

[Paelos]

Was it apple juice or apple juice concentrate?  I read that apple and pear juice concentrates are being used to replace HFCS because they have the same sweetening profile (lots of sweet, little to no flavor) but none of the HFCS stigma yet.

The extra calories were probably from the yogurt.

That's a good call. It is actually apple juice concentrate. Nice find.

And to answer the other question, I live in Georgia, right smack in the middle of Coca-Cola country.

Tomorrow I'm going to do a writeup on the new Pulled Pork sub from Subway. I'm not looking forward to that one, but they are blasting commercials for it at me.

[Rasix]

I'll pray for your colon.

I like the McD's mango-pineapple smoothie quite a bit. But then again, I'm a sucker for smoothies and the McDonald's is right on the way to the freeway.  I tend to get one of those and a sausage biscuit on the way to work.  Yah, I'm a healthy guy. 

[Paelos]

I'm not going to downplay the flavor of the smoothie. Rasix is right, it is quite good. It scored a 4/5 on the meter because it really surprised me.

It just starts falling down when you compare it to other things you could be eating/spending money on.

[dusematic]

We're reviewing fast food items now?  Aside from being pointless (i.e. if you vastly prefer one fast food chicken sandwich to another you're probably the same idiot who will only drink Coke to the exclusion of Pepsi) it's just hard for me to believe that anyone cares enough to drink a McDonald milkshake and then review it like some gourmand food critic in the NY Times reviewing a Michelin rated restaurant.  Or read said review.  But I suppose I'm just a cynical terd.

[01101010]

We're reviewing fast food items now?  Aside from being pointless (i.e. if you vastly prefer one fast food chicken sandwich to another you're probably the same idiot who will only drink Coke to the exclusion of Pepsi) it's just hard for me to believe that anyone cares enough to drink a McDonald milkshake and then review it like some gourmand food critic in the NY Times reviewing a Michelin rated restaurant.  Or read said review.  But I suppose I'm just a cynical terd.

Well at least you are on the right track... 

[dusematic]

Does anyone regularly eat fast food that's not overweight (and over 25)?  If such a person exists they must have won the genetic lottery regarding metabolism.

[01101010]

Does anyone regularly eat fast food that's not overweight (and over 25)?  If such a person exists they must have won the genetic lottery regarding metabolism.

Define regularly... Twice a week? 5 times?

I am 37 and have horrible eating habits. And yes, I do have great genes as my mother has only now started to put on weight in her mid 60s and only after she started having to take a drug regiment for arthritis.

[Paelos]

Does anyone regularly eat fast food that's not overweight (and over 25)?  If such a person exists they must have won the genetic lottery regarding metabolism.

The point isn't so much that it's food from national chains. I mean it was be pretty stupid to review Chick-fil-A's sandwich. It's been the same forever.

The point is reviewing the gimmick. I think the gimmick in advertising is a very interesting thing, especially while I'm watching sports. Often I wonder if it would actually taste remotely like what they are trying to sell "for a limited time."

It doesn't have to be fast food either, I'm also up for takeaway stuff from the other national brands like Outback, Chilis, etc if they are running some weird promotional item. Also, fun and frivolity and all that shit for those of us who still like to be amused.

[dusematic]

Ok fair, I'm just saying if you already recognize that the limited time stuff is gimmickry then I don't know what the next move is.  It's all just essentially the same shit except they put barbecue sauce on something and call it a chipotle burger.  Right?

[Paelos]

Ok fair, I'm just saying if you already recognize that the limited time stuff is gimmickry then I don't know what the next move is.  It's all just essentially the same shit except they put barbecue sauce on something and call it a chipotle burger.  Right?

Totally. Which is why I'll pick it up and go, wow this is horrible. It's a burger with an awful sauce. HOWEVER, there are those rare times when they actually put out something that's so crazy/tasty it goes cult status. See: McRib or the Cheesy Gordita Crunch. And that's the journey. Is it a gimmick, or maybe they've stumbled across pure gold by total accident!

Also, I wouldn't take this column seriously if I were you. This is me just deciding to amuse myself in a public form. With sauce.

[Strazos]

Cheesy Gordita Crunch.

 

[01101010]

Shamrock shakes.

bonus if you added mint Absolut.

[Merusk]

Shamrock shakes.

I was so happy when I was in Chicago around St. Patty's and saw them selling a shamrock shake. The McDonalds around here hasn't had them for the last decade.  It was just as good as I remembered.

Then I discovered it was part of a national promotion.  I put on 5# in a week. 

[dusematic]

Ok fair, I'm just saying if you already recognize that the limited time stuff is gimmickry then I don't know what the next move is.  It's all just essentially the same shit except they put barbecue sauce on something and call it a chipotle burger.  Right?

Totally. Which is why I'll pick it up and go, wow this is horrible. It's a burger with an awful sauce. HOWEVER, there are those rare times when they actually put out something that's so crazy/tasty it goes cult status. See: McRib or the Cheesy Gordita Crunch. And that's the journey. Is it a gimmick, or maybe they've stumbled across pure gold by total accident!

Also, I wouldn't take this column seriously if I were you. This is me just deciding to amuse myself in a public form. With sauce.

You've caused me to turn a corner on your thread. And in life.

[Furiously]

Shamrock shakes.

I was so happy when I was in Chicago around St. Patty's and saw them selling a shamrock shake. The McDonalds around here hasn't had them for the last decade.  It was just as good as I remembered.

Then I discovered it was part of a national promotion.  I put on 5# in a week. 

I rarely eat at McD's. But I will make an exception for the shamrock shake. (It's also gluten free).

[lamaros]

Fruit juice concentrate isn't bad for you. Nor are calories the best criteria for judging how healthy something is. I'd just skip that section of your reviews.

[Paelos]

Fruit juice concentrate isn't bad for you. Nor are calories the best criteria for judging how healthy something is. I'd just skip that section of your reviews.

Think of it as the nutrition facts on the back of the label. It's there if you want to look at it.

[Bunk]

Heading over to McDonalds for lunch now (only place within walking distance, grrrr). I'd be tempted to try the McRib again, but the extremly not-meat-like consitency, combined with the obviously artificial sculpting used to make it "rib shaped" just scares me.

I would say that the obvious target for your reviews should be the KFC Double Down, but I don't want to wish death upon you.