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Nope
Terracotta Army
Posts: 7
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Lost in Space(Russia)
a space-bio-drama by Nope Itsme
based on actual events
Prelude
For the second time in a year, the swarm had been proper fucked by CEOs trying to get their sex on. First Big D Johnson had to finally take care of babby he made. (Remember kids, you form babby, you bought it.) Then the Prophet Karttoon ascended to paradise with his wives (and I think his gay concubines too), he accidentally the whole wallet.
So I was driving to work when I thought, "hey I have a covops in 319, why don't I just scan out a wormhole and move my industrials through, then all I need to do is wait for an empire entrance to open." Very pleased with this idea, I continued to work. I fixed a bunch of shit in scala. Was fun. Would code it again.
Interlude
It's about noon on Saturday and I'm being chased from c6y in a stabbed out amarr frigate with no guns and an afterburner. The market is, understandably, shit. A couple of IT faggots with bad internet connections or slow PCs in interceptors can't manage to burn after me the 5 jumps to 319. On the way I pass another one of their faggot buddies in a cruor. He doesn't even manage to target me. Still a nice ship though.
The cruor dude and his buddies try to camp me into 319, but I had other shit to do anyway so I tabbed over to another window and added some skills to a couple accounts. I also read about how to find wormholes and ID them. Didn't want to be jumping an indy full of meta3-4 shit into a wormhole only to have it close before my scout gets in.
Scannerlude
I scanned down every sig in 319, only to find a bunch of grav and radio sites. Fuck. On the last sig, I found an unstable wormhole with a HUGE mass quota. Fucker led straight to 0.0 k-space. I hopped through in my covops. I saw the sov label: "Legion of xXDeathXx". Hrmmm, they're our brosefs right? Oh yeah, they live in the drone regions, literally hitler all the way across the universe.
Welp, better than Delve and there was a friendly station only 3 jumps away.
Quaalude
I handed out some bookmarks to my alts, jumped into 2 indys and a rifter and headed out. I passed some IT faggots on the undock and laughed as my cargo expanded/rigged indys instawarped away. We got through the wormhole as about 30 neutrals poured into 319. But I was off to L-POLO. I lost the rifter to some drones on a gate, stupid multiboxing.
I tried asking a few locals about the JB network, my standings with them, the weather, ASL... etc. But those rude fuckers wouldn't even respond. I figured maybe they were all just stupid macro ratters.
Unable to find a JB, I bought another rifter and flew to some place named DEATH prime. It was very quiet around there. Only a few people in local, and none of them would answer me or even o/ back. Rude ass faggots.
Suddenly I remembered I was playing EVE and these people were probably a. not awake b. not english-speakers. I asked in corp, and sure enough, I was in spacerussia. Comstr suggested I check out the wiki for their JB network, except they also had a recent sov "hiccup" and all the JBs are down or moved.
I then turned to google translate and asked in poorly translated russian how a poor goon could get to empire, which got me the reply: "you must be tottallt unaware of bridge mechanics or that we lost sov"
"Shit", I thought to myself, I'm lost in SPACE(russia).
To be continued...
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