G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

[sigil]

Half of them do.

The other half, Rangers.

HAH!

[Ironwood]

Before I launch into my indepth review of this film, let me clear something up.  I got what I wanted out of this film.  Now onto the review :

GI Joe:  The Rise of Cobra was utter shite.

[sigil]

The only thing that could make that  be more of a turd would have been  for Snake Eyes to have said, "let's go" to Duke  upon getting onto that transport.

but the boom boom parts were sufficiently boomy without bing totally Bayesque.

That street in Paris would have been one large gasoline fire in Bay's version

[Cyrrex]

Saw it.  Was definitely better than expected.  I'm trying to figure out how a damned GI Joe movie could reasonably turn out any better, and I'm coming up empty.

Also, I need to go on record as saying that the chick who played Scarlett is extremely yummy.  Baroness is getting all the press, because she is also pant-creamingly hot, but holy shit.  Next move should simply be GI Joe: Baroness and Scarlett Run Around in Cleavage Revealing Tops for 2 Hours.

[HaemishM]

I think Ripcord was probably the most element of this film for me. When did the idiot/slapstick comedy buddy comedy thing become a requirement in all action films? Why does someone get into the most elite military unit on the planet because they happen to be friends with someone who's really, really good and why the hell do you then send them straight into front line missions with millions of lives at risk using equipment they apparently don't understand?

Ummmm, did you miss the part where 1) his shooting scores were just under the record for the course (i.e. just worse than Scarlett's) or that he was combat jet rated? The character was more than qualified to be on the team.

Overall, I really dug this flick. It was exactly what I expected - a silly, cartoony action flick with over the top action and SPLOSIONS!!!!

[jason]

[Cyrrex]

Thanks guys.  My rational mind was saying that these were possibilities, but the pre-teen boy in me was very distraught.

[Polysorbate80]

I got what I wanted out of this film. 

They didn't pitch you out of the theater for wanking to the baroness?  I'm moving to Scotland...

[Ironwood]

The Scottish accents were the worst I've ever, ever heard.

The wife and I were trying to figure out who we thought should have played Destro (you know, with a real fucking accent) but simply couldn't manage it.  Then we got on to the fun game of who could possibly be worse.  Eventually we hit the rock bottom that was Groundskeeper Willie and we STILL thought he'd do a better job than Eccleston.  First fucking Scottish Arms Dealer from the Coal Mine.  Jesus, he was really just paying the fucking mortgage.  Don't even get me started on the arms dealer that puts the MacOS into his fucking jets.  Jesus, that was painfully bad.

Scarlett was yummy (and, actually, I thought wasn't bad at acting either).  Good God 'Duke' was horrendous.  Really, really, really painful to listen to and watch. Dennis Quaid was fucking awful and didn't even bother to try.  Wayans didn't suck at all, a surprise for him.  The 'Suits' were actually ok, though Willing suspense of disbelief was constantly stretched.  "This Ninjas Fast".

It was funny, however, to see The Mummy regulars popping in.

Finally, Blonde Girl getting it.  Awesome.

[Evildrider]

It was funny, however, to see The Mummy regulars popping in.

First off I actually liked the movie, it was pretty much what I was expecting.

Also as for the cameo's, I'm really surprised they just didn't make Brendan Fraser into Beach-Head.

[Ingmar]

I got what I wanted out of this film. 

They didn't pitch you out of the theater for wanking to the baroness?  I'm moving to Scotland...

You have clearly not thought thrrough the ramifications of attending a theater in which they don't throw out the wankers.

[WindupAtheist]

[Polysorbate80]

Hey, if Pee-Wee wants to beat off to Baroness pr0n, I support his choice!

[Ingmar]

Hey, if Pee-Wee wants to beat off to Baroness pr0n, I support his choice!

Until he had your seat in the previous showing. 

[Oban]

I would be more concerned about sitting in the seat in front of Pee Wee.

[Xerapis]

Saw it last Thursday. Have been waiting for the rage to cool.

If I hadn't been a total GI Joe addict growing up, it would be pleasant summertime fun.

But the changes to the backstories and character relationships drove me up the fucking wall.

[jason]

[Ironwood]

Sorry, Jason, they didn't really leave it as open as you think.

[Cyrrex]

Yeah, I gotta say that it only makes sense that SS killed him.  That was the moment when he started down the path of awesome.

I was worried that the whole movie was going to be a bunch of exo-suit stupid from start to finish.  Thankfully, they only used them in one scene, and it even seemed appropriate.  I also like that the bad guys actually did their fair share of kicking ass and killing Joes.

[jason]

Sorry, Jason, they didn't really leave it as open as you think.

Support that with evidence from the movie, because from what I saw things went down exactly as I described. They avoided definitively stating anything.

[Ironwood]

While in the comics there was a great deal of ambiguity to the character of Storm Shadow and confusion surrounding the death of the Hard Master, in the film, there clearly wasn't.

Stormshadow in the film was a total fucking nutter.  I don't mean just a killer.  That's easy to define.  I'm talking a complete fucking douchebag.

Everything, from twirling stars to gutting people Jealously (justified in my mind) over the Baronesses extremely fine rack, everything just screamed "I was passed over as a kid and now I'm fucking, fucking, fucking NUTS."

Also, there wasn't any great shakes or confusion over 'the look' given between the two brothers.  It was 'I've just fucking gutted that chap and he totally deserved it because you beat me at racquetball' and not so much "wistful, omg, I must now go down a bad path to catch the killer who'll improbably turn out to be someone who should also be 12 at the time."

Further, he had a whole fucking stupid fight to come clean to Snake-eyes.  Which was when he SHOULD HAVE.  Sure, they may reintroduce this in later movies, but you know what ?  It'd be fucking stupid.  It would totally break the vow of silence when Snake-eyes pipes up "Why didn't you say that before I GUTTED YOU LAST TIME YOU CUNT."

Sorry.  I know you're nerding out.  I did too when they showed us the backstory.  But they fucked it.

[AutomaticZen]

While in the comics there was a great deal of ambiguity to the character of Storm Shadow and confusion surrounding the death of the Hard Master, in the film, there clearly wasn't.

Stormshadow in the film was a total fucking nutter.  I don't mean just a killer.  That's easy to define.  I'm talking a complete fucking douchebag.

Everything, from twirling stars to gutting people Jealously (justified in my mind) over the Baronesses extremely fine rack, everything just screamed "I was passed over as a kid and now I'm fucking, fucking, fucking NUTS."

Also, there wasn't any great shakes or confusion over 'the look' given between the two brothers.  It was 'I've just fucking gutted that chap and he totally deserved it because you beat me at racquetball' and not so much "wistful, omg, I must now go down a bad path to catch the killer who'll improbably turn out to be someone who should also be 12 at the time."

Further, he had a whole fucking stupid fight to come clean to Snake-eyes.  Which was when he SHOULD HAVE.  Sure, they may reintroduce this in later movies, but you know what ?  It'd be fucking stupid.  It would totally break the vow of silence when Snake-eyes pipes up "Why didn't you say that before I GUTTED YOU LAST TIME YOU CUNT."

Sorry.  I know you're nerding out.  I did too when they showed us the backstory.  But they fucked it.

Indeed.  This is not the Storm Shadow that could possibly join the Joes.  Though I like that Storm Shadow, this Storm Shadow is a killer.  With style, and without remorse.

[jason]

It is left open despite you not wanting it to be.  If they didn't want it to be open then he would have just said, "You took your vow of silence after I killed the Hard Master."  They made the whole thing ambiguous on purpose so that if they want to go down the "He didn't really kill the Hard Master" router they can.  If they'd wanted it to be clear they'd have just showed him stab the guy or had him admit to it.

I'm not nerding out... I'm just stating what is actually in the movie, not things people choose to infer because they want them to be a certain way.  In the movie, it is not definitive who killed the Hard Master, so lame script/plot or not, in a sequel they can go either way.

Never underestimate the stupidity and lameness of Hollywood when blockbuster box office receipts are on the line.

[Riggswolfe]

Also as for the cameo's, I'm really surprised they just didn't make Brendan Fraser into Beach-Head.

I may be hallucinating but I could swear someone called him Sgt Slaughter.

Also, Xerapis, I liked GI Joe too and still have some old comic books in a box. But really? Nerd rage? Over changing the backstories of plastic toys? Really?

[Ironwood]

It is left open despite you not wanting it to be. 

You didn't listen to a word I said.

 

[Oban]

Clearly reading comprehension is the other half of the battle.

[Velorath]

I got what I wanted out of this film.

I can only assume what you wanted was to encourage studios to give the greenlight to more explosion filled trash with a tie-in toy line and '80s nostalgia.  Thanks for that.

[Cyrrex]

I got what I wanted out of this film.

I can only assume what you wanted was to encourage studios to give the greenlight to more explosion filled trash with a tie-in toy line and '80s nostalgia.  Thanks for that.

You forgot the really smoking hot chicks.  Please pay more attention next time.

[Ironwood]

I got what I wanted out of this film.

I can only assume what you wanted was to encourage studios to give the greenlight to more explosion filled trash with a tie-in toy line and '80s nostalgia.  Thanks for that.

Read More Thread.

[Xerapis]

Also, Xerapis, I liked GI Joe too and still have some old comic books in a box. But really? Nerd rage? Over changing the backstories of plastic toys? Really?

Yes, really.

Not so much just changing, but changing for the worse, and for no good reason. Why try to make everyone in the film related somehow? It's not necessary. The change to Storm Shadow diminishes his character depth. Why even create that absurd backstory for Cobra Commander?

This is my nerd rage. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

[Evildrider]

Also, Xerapis, I liked GI Joe too and still have some old comic books in a box. But really? Nerd rage? Over changing the backstories of plastic toys? Really?

Yes, really.

Not so much just changing, but changing for the worse, and for no good reason. Why try to make everyone in the film related somehow? It's not necessary. The change to Storm Shadow diminishes his character depth. Why even create that absurd backstory for Cobra Commander?

This is my nerd rage. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

Umm yes... because the whole Cobra-La background for Cobra Commander is so much better than the one in the movie.   

[Ookii]

So why was the US President British?

[Slyfeind]

I thought of a good parallel to GI Joe nerdrage: Super Mario Brothers. There was the live action movie, which was dark and gritty and grounded in reality...and then there was the cartoon where bushes danced and the sun wore sunglasses, and Yoshi was big and fat and giggled a lot while he ate berries. I'm guessing the rage over this weird alternate GI Joe is similar to rage over trying to make SeriousBusiness out of Mario jumping on shit.

[Xerapis]

Umm yes... because the whole Cobra-La background for Cobra Commander is so much better than the one in the movie.   

We do not acknowledge the existence of the animated GI Joe movie.

[AutomaticZen]

Yes, really.

Not so much just changing, but changing for the worse, and for no good reason. Why try to make everyone in the film related somehow? It's not necessary. The change to Storm Shadow diminishes his character depth. Why even create that absurd backstory for Cobra Commander?

This is my nerd rage. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

Umm yes... because the whole Cobra-La background for Cobra Commander is so much better than the one in the movie.   

There's a certain amount of mental gymnastics needed for most fandom.  They probably just ignore the things they don't like.