I want to kill my roommate.

[ahoythematey]

The daffy bitch invited an ex of mine over to have some drinks with him.  She and him stayed up all night laughing and joking around, loudly and with the television turned up pretty loud.  This is not the first time this has happened, nor has asking them to quiet the fuck down resulted in anything more than a temporary ten-minute reprieve.  End result: I rolled into work this morning with maybe 15 solid minutes of sleep, seriously contemplating when I should decide to move my ass out.

This is where you all come in.  I need a prank worthy of this transgression, but I'm having a hard time thinking of some stuff that isn't too mean.  He's a decent guy, he's just selfish and oblivious to his bullshit sometimes.  The best I've come up with so far is rubbing some icy-hot into his underwear and letting it dry before refolding and putting that shit back into his dresser, hopefully to be used during basketball.

More ideas please.

[Hawkbit]

I've always been a big fan of committing a major crime and hiding the evidence in my roommate's room.  Bonus points if there's blood involved. 

[Aez]

A simple but effective one is putting their toothbrush in your ass and taking a pic   Give them a card for Christmas with the pic and some funny puns.

This is more tasteful:
baby powder prank

[ahoythematey]

I've always been a big fan of committing a major crime and hiding the evidence in my roommate's room.  Bonus points if there's blood involved. 

Too mean, and the person I want dead isn't in town.  Maybe a drop of habanero extract into his soda when he's not looking...

[schild]

Habanero extract? If he isn't allergic, just go all the way, ghost chili extract.

Alternatively, have a party with a bunch of people while he's gone and make sure they know his room is the vomitorium when they get sick.

[Big Gulp]

Better yet, don't live with a roommate.  Sure your cost of living will increase; fuck it, live on Ramen.  It's better than living with someone else.

[Hindenburg]

Get him a NAMBLA membership, and place it in his room while he gets the door when the ex comes next time.

If you don't wanna spend money on the membership, just print the application form and leave it in his room.
--
Bonus points: change his pc's desktop pic to an image of Bill from Tokyo Hotel.

[ahoythematey]

Oh shit that's a good idea.  He's a baptist, too, so maybe I should have a copy "accidentally" drop by his church.

Gulp: funny thing about being in debt is you learn to have less than optimal living conditions while eating ramen.  Seriously though, my other roommate is way awesome and we all have a good time, plus the $300 each for the house we are living in is a pretty sweet deal, particularly since the big backyard makes keggers a lot simpler to manage.

[LanTheWarder]

1. Fill his room with grasshoppers.
2. Place a strobe light in the room that is activated with a remote.
3. Put a few drops of LSD on his door knob.
4. Wait for him to walk into his room and lock him in.
5. Enjoy.

[schild]

1. Fill his room with grasshoppers.
2. Place a strobe light in the room that is activated with a remote.
3. Put a few drops of LSD on his door knob.
4. Wait for him to walk into his room and lock him in.
5. Enjoy.

Holy shit. That's epic.

[Brogarn]

Better yet, don't live with a roommate.  Sure your cost of living will increase; fuck it, live on Ramen.  It's better than living with someone else.

I feel the same and did exactly that when I was single. Fuck having a roommate.

[Yegolev]

LanTheWarder wins, but I will trot out my usual anyway: powdered milk in the bedsheets or kool-aid in the shower head.

[fuser]

See IainC's thread.

[Draegan]

I was always partial to saranwrapping his entire car.

[ahoythematey]

Lan's has me in stitches, but I'm not quite sure where I'd find enough grasshoppers.  I seriously think the NAMBLA membership is the way to go.  I'm already grinning thinking about the frustration he's going to have constantly defending himself as not gay, <seinfeld>not that there's anything wrong with that</seinfeld>.

[bhodi]

Lan's has me in stitches, but I'm not quite sure where I'd find enough grasshoppers.

Any reptile store has them by the hundreds. They are food!

[ahoythematey]

I thought that was crickets...I know whenever I bought dinner for my iguana it was cricket time, and those motherfucks stunk up something fierce.

[Merusk]

Better yet, don't live with a roommate.  Sure your cost of living will increase; fuck it, live on Ramen.  It's better than living with someone else.

Particularly when that person is SUCH a dick they feel like inviting one of your Ex's over and carousing into the wee hours.  There's so much wrong with the whole scenario I don't see how anything outside of crippling bodily harm can be "too mean."

[ahoythematey]

That's a long-ass story, but the jist is I met her through him.  They're friends, though I'm not sure he's honest to himself about that.  Seriously though, he can have her and her crazy shit.  And his new gay friends once I'm finished.

[apocrypha]

1. Fill his room with grasshoppers.
2. Place a strobe light in the room that is activated with a remote.
3. Put a few drops of LSD on his door knob.
4. Wait for him to walk into his room and lock him in.
5. Enjoy.

Haha that's superb. Of course it would probably result in permanent mental trauma 

I did once have a neighbour who had a clock-radio alarm that went off at 6am, very loudly, that he didn't turn off for hours every day. I spent some time researching how to make a microwave cannon to fry the offending radio but realised it would a) be very illegal and b) probably sterilse him at the same time so I never built it. But you'd be surprised how easy it is to make something that will cook a human being through a 6" wall 

[Engels]

  And his new gay friends once I'm finished.

Print out lost of material from http://exodus.to/ and leave it lying around. It will clue others into your roommate's new struggle :)

[Endie]

None of these stupid ideas will help him kill her.

[schild]

Motherfucker talking shit? Punch him in the dick.

[ahoythematey]

That won't work.  He and his previous roommate had a game where they'd try to catch the other unawares and whack the testes something fierce, and now he's mostly immune to that shit.  I am not making this up.

I guess the upside is he probably won't have offspring.

[Big Gulp]

I live in a 2 bedroom apartment, and from time to time I've been tempted to get a roommate and cut my costs in half.  I've never pulled the trigger, though, because I know myself too well.  I just can't handle living with someone else.  Even live-in girlfriends will eventually get on my last nerve, and they bring in the benefit of nookie.

No, if I were you I'd suck it up and start looking for a studio apartment or something.  Shit, I'd live in a refrigerator box rather than with someone else.  Life is just too goddamned short.

[Venkman]

Lan's has me in stitches, but I'm not quite sure where I'd find enough grasshoppers. 

I find it fascinating that you'd have a harder time finding grasshoppers than LSD.

Buddy of mine had a good one:

1) Get lots of curry
2) Stir it until you can paint with it
3) Paint a wall with it, preferably one you can't see as being stained.

You'll never get the smell out short of tearing the wall down, and they'll never know where the hell it's coming from. Every time I imagine, I think of that room of air fresheners from Seven.

[schild]

Faking an AIDS test is always good for a laugh. Sort of.

[apocrypha]

Better yet, don't live with a roommate.  Sure your cost of living will increase; fuck it, live on Ramen.  It's better than living with someone else.

Gotta say all in I agree with Gulp here. Spent many years living in shared flats etc but after finally moving into a place on my own about 10 years ago there was no going back, other than living with an SO ofc.

Ramen diet >>> sharing living space with fuckheads.

[rattran]

Buy some shrimp, put them inside the curtain-rod in his room. I drove one previous roommate to the brink of insanity with that one, as the smell would come and go randomly depending on humidity. He tore out the carpet, replaced the drapes, threw out his bed, etc over the course of about 6 months. He finally demanded changing rooms, but oddly the smell followed him.

Shrimp paste smeared into the air vent of his car works too. And if no curtain rod, carefully pull off the trim where the wall meets the floor and put them in there.

[Morfiend]

Buy some shrimp, put them inside the curtain-rod in his room. I drove one previous roommate to the brink of insanity with that one, as the smell would come and go randomly depending on humidity. He tore out the carpet, replaced the drapes, threw out his bed, etc over the course of about 6 months. He finally demanded changing rooms, but oddly the smell followed him.

Shrimp paste smeared into the air vent of his car works too. And if no curtain rod, carefully pull off the trim where the wall meets the floor and put them in there.

Wow, that is really good. Best realistic option yet.

[Nazrat]

Frozen shrimp in the car also works well. Spots include behind a hubcap, spare tire, under the seat, in the center console or glovebox, etc. The only limit is your imagination.

[Furiously]

Saltpeter.

[Strazos]

Motherfucker talking shit? Punch him in the dick.

Heh.

[angry.bob]

The best prank would be for you to just find a new place to live and move the fuck out while he's not there. As tempting as all the other really good ideas have been, they've also pretty much all been felonies if he wanted to be a dick about it. As big an ass as he's been assault, identity theft, and/or poisoning are still assault, identity theft, and/or poisoning even when they're done for a revenge prank. Moving out on him is perfectly legal and has the added benefit of possibly making him homeless or wrecking his credit rating.

[Hindenburg]

Merely writing his name down on a blank NAMBLA registration and leaving it in his room isn't identity theft.

Or at least not here. He'd have to actually try to register the chap.