Best Review Ever

[Morfiend]

I found this on Digg, and I didnt see it here. Please Den if this has already been posted.

Amazon Review

"Trapped under a beam with the countdown ticking away, the monster just on the other side of the battered door, and my friends are trying to free me, I look up at them and yell, "Go on without me. I'll be alright. I'll hold him off while you escape!" And my friends, because they know my sacrifice won't be in vain, make their getaway and when the monster breaks through just as the explosives go off, I know I died saving the lives of my dearest friends."

That pretty much sums up my experience reading Aaron Rayburn's novel, THE SHADOW GOD. I took one for the team, so the rest of you would NEVER have to be subjected to this beast. I beg you, don't let my selflessness be for nothing. Heed my warning. This is the worst book ever written.

The back cover copy reads "Craig Johnson had two best friends, two caring parents, a hot girlfriend, and a nice truck--not bad for a twenty-year-old." Already we're in trouble. The author photo shows Rayburn in all his mid-20s virginal glory. Manson contacts, a black cap turned backwards with a red 666 monogrammed on it, he's posing next to what looks like a rubber demon. His bio includes the line "He also says that he owes a great deal of gratitude to the Devil . . . for filling his mind with such horrific images."

If this book is the most horrific thing the devil can come up, I think humanity is safe from the threat of hell.

There are so many things wrong with this book, I decided to keep notes so I could present them in an orderly fashion, with quotes to back me up. I don't want you to take my word for this novel's horridness, I'm going to let Rayburn speak for himself. We'll start with the plot.

Craig Johnson was cursed at birth when his parents left the town church led by the possibly-evil Father Spiers. Spiers then tricked Craig's father Matt into strangling him, only in the end, Matt had killed, not Father Spiers, but one of the doctors. So Matt's been in jail Craig's entire life. Shortly after Craig's 20th birthday he begins to notice a blue light emanating from his bedroom closet. He calls for his mommy (I'm not making that up, it's on page 14), but she doesn't see any light, so he plays it off like he'd seen a rat, and asks her to check in his closet. After she leaves, Craig is compelled to enter the light, which takes him to the Dark World, which is sometimes like a vast black void, paved of course cuz you have to have something to walk on in a void, and sometimes is like Craig's own neighborhood, complete with the houses of his friends. Those friends, Todd and Mark, are also pulled into the Dark World, but they make their escape and then begins the action as the three try to solve the mystery of the blue light and the dark world. To sum up--this book is 454 pages, okay?--Craig is the reincarnation of Abel, the Shadow God is Cain, and Father Spiers is Cain's acolyte, sent to prepare for his return to the real world. In the midst of all this Mark is killed and resurrected by Ridley, a club owner/satanist (he runs The Satanist Group Association. Again, I wish I was making this up!) and servant to Spiers and the Shadow God.

Craig's girlfriend, his mother, his father, as well as Mark's sister Margie and Todd's parents, are all killed and the cops think Craig did it. One cop does, anyway, Detective Jim Underwood, son of the doctor Craig's father Matt strangled to death 20 years earlier. DUN-DUN-DUN!!! There's a showdown where Craig is sucked into another portal to face Cain, who then becomes a dragon, and Todd jumps in to help his friend, they all die--except Craig--and we live happily ever after.

Okay, I know it doesn't seem THAT bad from the plot. But I haven't begun quoting yet. Mark Twain said, "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug."

Rayburn wasn't even close.

"Spiers's eyes popped extraneously from their sockets, as his face turned from a deep red to a sickly purple."

"Extraneous" means "irrelevant." I don't think that's what he meant. At least, I hope not.

Here's my favorite:

"The lamp's glow was very weak compared to the blue glow emancipating from the basement."

Emanating, Rayburn, EMANATING. When will people learn never to trust their SpellCheck without verifying it's the word they meant??? There are, in total, 11 instances of Rayburn using the wrong word, and believe me, each one is funnier than the last.

Okay, one more.

"It infiltrated his lungs, filling them with a kind of innovativeness he had never felt before."

To be honest, I don't know what word he meant, but I keep seeing Craig's lung filing patents for a dozen new inventions, getting promotions for discovering an even newer formula for Tide laundry detergent, or finding the cure for cancer.

Then there are the characters. Craig and his buddies are all 20, they're in college, and they have cars and money. Craig bribes the guard with hundred dollar bills when he's trying to get in to see his father in
prison. Yet never in the entire book do these men go to class, nor to a job. Where did Craig get his "nice truck"? His mother works "odd jobs", so I doubt she co-signed the loan.

And the dialogue. Oh dear, the dialogue.

"That's probably the fiercest dragon known to man," Craig tells Todd toward the end. Because, you know, we have so many different kinds of dragons in the world with which to compare.

Okay, so he uses the wrong word and his characters are morons. You can overlook a misused word here and LOTS of writers are horrible with characters. Hell, I'm guilty of this myself. But sometimes he just
plain gets his facts WRONG:

"The stranger was beastly in size with thick, bushy eyebrows, a prominent protruding forehead, and a thick, black coarse beard. His gait was that of a mammal--a Neanderthal."

I know I never went to college, but um . . . do you think Rayburn knows HUMAN BEINGS are mammals as well?

And later we learn that Cain and Abel were Neanderthals who lived in the stone age, feared dinosaurs, and that Cain was kicked out of the Garden of Eden for slaying his brother. Dude, Cain and Abel weren't born until a LONG time after Adam and Eve--the only two people who ever lived in the Garden of Eden--were kicked out.

And not only is this the worst book ever written, it's also the worst-written book ever.

Behold:

"Of all the things to think, he never thought he'd think that."

And:

"Already, he knew he wouldn't be able to do it. In fact, he KNEW he wouldn't."



Wasn't that already established in the previous sentence?

"Eubanks looked annoyed. He exhaled annoyingly and said..."

You know what? I could do this all night.

THE SHADOW GOD is the perfect example of everything that's wrong with publishing in today's world. Anyone with the notion--talent or not--can write a "book", then contact a place like AuthorHouse ("publisher" of this fine volume and, I'm sure, Rayburn's second novel which I don't care enough to look up the title to), and unleash this mess on an unsuspecting world. And then we wonder why no one reads anymore. Why should they? If this is the kind of stuff they're being subjected to.

Used to be a writer had to learn to WRITE before they could get published. Now, all you need is a couple thousand dollars and you got yourself a book. Talent? Who needs it? Skill? What for? Learning to write? Are you kidding me? Forget about it, I've got this here manyooscript and an address I can get it printed, I'mma be one of dem novelists. Riches, here I comes!!!

It's enough to make aspiring writers want to give up seeking legitimate publishing venues. Please don't. Just be sure to write better than this guy. God knows it won't be difficult. Or should I say, God knows it won't be deficit.

[Oban]

 

[Soukyan]

That was quite funny.

I am still trying to figure out what the two 5 star reviewers were thinking when they posted these gems:

5.0 out of 5 stars  AWESOME, May 20, 2006
By    P. Holsinger (OH United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   
I got to read this book as it was being written and could not wait for the next chapter to be ready. It is an incredible story that keeps you wanting more with every page you read.

Obviously a friend of the author, and then there's this:

5.0 out of 5 stars Outstanding!!!, July 12, 2005
By    Craig Johnson "Craig" (California) - See all my reviews
fast-paced! A horrifyingly good read! It's about time someone claimed Stephen King's throne!!

I'd give it a 5 out of 5 if it was an elaborate joke to see how many copies of a shitty book you can sell for $35 each. Otherwise, 

[Phildo]

This review just makes me want to read the book.

[Sir T]

Ed Wood has come back to haunt us.

Then again, it reminds me why George Lucas is regarded as a scriptwriter, when in fact his early stuff was compleatly re-written by other people when he wasnt powerful enough to stop them. Now he is and his true talent shines through...

[IainC]

The tags for the book are pretty funny.

Tags Customers Associate with This Product
First tag: fap fap fap (Kurt on Jun 11, 2008)
Last tag: worst book ever written

Sort by:
failure (28)
junk (19)
fap fap fap (17)
worst book ever written (14)
joke (12)
worst book ever (10)
gay vampire (8)
gay devil (1)
gay vampire orgies (1)
sucksbeyondreco gnition (1)
who would pay 33 dollars for this (1)

Edit:
Dear Lord, he has a website.

Edit^2:

Joy! He has a forum!

Money Thread

Attention to all you nerds who have suddenly plagued my page with insults and propaganda.

Cease posting your infantile words or i will be issuing permanent bans.

I have also made a record of all the email addresses sending me spam. It clearly states NO SPAM. Why do you send me crap? My inbox is cluttered with ****. So **** you.

Why do you insult my work? It has gotten good reviews. Alot of my friends have said it was suspenseful and had a good plot. A killer combination for a horror story.

I am a simple man, making a simple living, leave me alone, or devil karma will get you.

This is your final warning.

Edit^3:
(Sorry I just can't stop myself, this is too funny)
He has some Carefully selected reviews for his book. They all share a certain... commonality of vision.

[Venkman]

So I just finished reading Misspent Youth but Peter Hamilton. I like the author a lot for his further-future stuff like Reality Dysfunction and Pandora's Star. And while I didn't like this particular book too much (too much pr0n, to the point of being unenjoyable, if you can believe that), there was on premise I thought tied well into this thread:

The main protagonist had invented a crystalline storage system that allowed the Internet to get really big in size. As a result, every bit of media eventually became free. DRM was trashed, entire industries ended. However, an unfortunate fallout was media quality.

Everyone could do whatever they wanted: make movies, music, TV, etc. And since it was all free, and therefore was no was no way to make money on it, there was no industry to prevent crap from coming out. As a result, nothing was really worth watchin. And therefore nothing was worth doing.

THE SHADOW GOD sounds like one of thos things that would result.

My favorite quotes:

"Of all the things to think, he never thought he'd think that."

"Already, he knew he wouldn't be able to do it. In fact, he KNEW he wouldn't."

[Merusk]

Everyone could do whatever they wanted: make movies, music, TV, etc. And since it was all free, and therefore was no was no way to make money on it, there was no industry to prevent crap from coming out. As a result, nothing was really worth watchin. And therefore nothing was worth doing.

Hey, maybe it can be retconned so that's why nobody on Star Trek ever watched TV or read a book older than the late 19th century!   

[climbjtree]

If you start reading that guys forums, you'll be goatse'd and you won't see it coming. I guess it's devil karma.

[Tale]

Made me remember the absolute worst book I've ever read. Someone gave it to me as a present. Never got to ask him why before he died.

[Riggswolfe]

Made me remember the absolute worst book I've ever read. Someone gave it to me as a present. Never got to ask him why before he died.

Was it a slow death and were you ever a suspect?

[Grand Design]

The responses to the review are pretty good.

Morte says:
Can we get a novelization of this review instead?

37 of 38 people think this post adds to the discussion.

Douglas Mcauliffe says:
I agree with Morte, a novel about the reviewer struggling to read this profane script would could be magnificent. Best done in the style of Lovecraft... Or perhaps Howard, if the reviewer has to fight the book in blood-soaked single combat.

13 of 14 people think this post adds to the discussion.

I think we know who the one negative response reviewer is.

[Brogarn]

The funny part is, this review will probably lead to more book sales. Epic fails, like train wrecks, bring out the curious.

[Phildo]

I feel like I designed that website for him in 1996.

[Soukyan]

Wow.

[Admin] Aaron

Jun 11th, 2008 - 10:12 PM    Re: Your reviews lie

You have all recieved youre last warning. I am in the process of currently tracking all of youre ips and pinging your home adressess. you should not have commencemed a war with me

Perhaps he was tired when he wrote that, but could we get him a copy editor for his forum replies?

[Grand Design]

He got 'your' right on the third try.

[Samwise]

HE'S PINGING ME

HALP

[Grand Design]

Not only that, he's pinging your home address, however that actually works.

[Murgos]

I love that quote so much I am keeping it for posterity where others can see it and admire its beauty, in my sig.

[schild]

I'm fond of devil karma. Whatever that is.

[stu]

His forums are awesome. I felt like I was surfing ForumWarz again. I'm too much of a pussy to taunt devil karma tho.   

http://achievementgen.info/view.php?ach=15298

[Paelos]

If this was some elaborate scheme it would be purely artistic.

Sadly, I fear it's just idiotic.

[HAMMER FRENZY]

Man this thread is too good. Seriously someone has to get more quotes from that damn book.

[Grand Design]

I think Phildo has offered to purchase and read it for us.

[Paelos]

I think Phildo has offered to purchase and read it for us.

I pity him already.

[Daeven]

I think Phildo has offered to purchase and read it for us.

I pity him already.

I'll pitch in a $5 for a new life insurance policy for Phildo, as his brain will surely strangle his lungs with emanations of new inventivities.

[tazelbain]

I don't support giving this igit any money.  But if you could steal a copy, that would be okay.

[Riggswolfe]

I don't support giving this igit any money.  But if you could steal a copy, that would be okay.

i'm normally against pirating but I'll make an exception in this case and look the other way.

[Oban]

Get thee to a library, stat.

[SurfD]

I love that quote so much I am keeping it for posterity where others can see it and admire its beauty, in my sig.

Sigged for posterior?

[Soukyan]

Get thee to a library, stat.

The library refused it. I insisted so they took it out back and used it as kindling for the monthly "Beer and Books" bonfire.

[Grand Design]

I'm giggling like an idiot and typing is difficult.

Behold the HORROR!

      Lightning stabbed aimlessly at the earth as Victor McCullough peered outside his huge, bay
window -- the only window in the entire house.

       Victor had designed the house with only one window because he said windows of a house
were the eyes to its soul and he felt that a house had too many outlets to other worlds. And he
made sure his house was different. He felt his house didn't need to see any further into other
worlds than it already could with the one window. He and his window spent many days and
nights in the Study, gazing out at the Pacific Ocean.

     The blissful view overlooked an expanse of land which Victor had inherited and turned into
his very own golf course.

And that's when I lost it.  A golf course?  Was it an Evil Golf Course?  Manservant Hecubus!

[Soukyan]

Oh dear. He lives within a 5 hour drive of me. I wonder how far that devil karma reaches. 

[Grand Design]

He's a security guard at a maximum security prison there, so don't get busted.

[NiX]

Anyone else notice there's no E in the URL (Gor), but it's on the site? Also, I'm thinking of sending him fan mail that says "Even Canada thinks you suck, eh?"