More manliness comes to f13

[Prospero]

I just had to share pics of the reason my recent posts have been so incoherent.



It doesn't show in the photo, but the poor kid was born with a mullet. I blame myself for watching too much MacGyver.

f13 meet Ian. Ian meet f13. I expect you all to be role models for him of how people are supposed to be behave on the internets. 

[WindupAtheist]

the poor kid was born with a mullet

Does he stop crying if you put on Whitesnake?

Anyway, gratz on passing on the DNA!  You win at natural selection!

[naum]

/gratz

[Prospero]

the poor kid was born with a mullet

Does he stop crying if you put on Whitesnake?

That and Billy Ray-Cyrus.

[IainC]

Gratz and you spelt Iain wrong....

[Signe]

Aww... so cute.  You should wash his feet more often, though.

[JWIV]

Congrats Prospero!   

[Prospero]

Gratz and you spelt Iain wrong....

Damn vowel loving Scots! What's up with that anyway? Making up for the Gaelic love of consonants?

[Tebonas]

Congratulations! Just keep him away from the politics forum or your role model plan won't work out! 

[Samwise]

This Scot approves heartily of this new arrival, regardless of how his name is spelled.

[Morat20]

If it's your first, I have this advice to offer:

The crying thing? It seems so tolerable at first. It's so quiet, and restrained. A gentle "waaah' every four hours or so. Easily silenced with a bottle, or even rocking. (Although, god help the poor baby when he gets the hiccups. Nothing seems to make them quite as miserable as the hiccups). That doesn't last. Give it a few months, and that gentle "waah" turns into full-blown shrieking as they work out how to use their lungs.

I actually, stupid me, thought those first few months were the "loud noisy" ones.

Cute baby though, and congratulations. They're worth it, in the end. :)

[Merusk]

Congrats, Prospero!

Morat: I have a 9 year old and a 4 year old.  I long for the screaming "noisy" days.  At least they didn't destroy the house back then.

[Lantyssa]

Congrats!  I'll be a good board-auntie and teach little Ian everything he needs to know about the Internets.  (Once he's 18.)

[Jimbo]

Congratz!  Now plan on buying a gaming rig for him and you!

[HaemishM]

AWWWWWW! How cute! 

The first word you need to teach him? Thundercunt.

[Yoru]

Congratulations.

Also, you have excellent taste in names. 

[SnakeCharmer]

Grats!!!!

[Paelos]

Teach him about the wonders of original NES.

No child should miss that.

[Yegolev]

Congratulations and welcome to the club.

[Triforcer]

Congratulations!!  Many blessings and much luck your way. 

[Margalis]

Congratulations.

You will not be saved by the Holy Ghost.
You will not be saved by the God Plutonium.
In fact, you will not be saved.

Wait no, I mean great job, best of luck, and he already looks like a young Michael Chiklis which can only be a good thing.

[Prospero]

Congratulations and welcome to the club.

Do I get a decoder ring or do I just read the messages through my pee soaked clothing. Seriously, who the fuck invented diapers that don't catch pee? What the hell is the point if he can put out fires from 50 feet through the damn things? I'm thinking I may buy a shopvac and attach it to his crotch.

[Samwise]

 

I'm pretty sure that's half the point of a diaper.  The other half being to catch poo.

Are you sure you have it wrapped around the right part of his body?

(edit) These are cloth diapers, right?  Are you using plastic pants over them?  Cloth on its own isn't terribly peeproof.

[Prospero]

I've decided baby boys just have ridiculously high power streams. He pretty much shot himself in the face when he was being weighed at the doc's office yesterday. We had the same problem with disposables. The material just can't soak it up fast enough. Thus the vacuum.

[JWIV]

Congratulations and welcome to the club.

Do I get a decoder ring or do I just read the messages through my pee soaked clothing. Seriously, who the fuck invented diapers that don't catch pee? What the hell is the point if he can put out fires from 50 feet through the damn things? I'm thinking I may buy a shopvac and attach it to his crotch.

Congratulations on discovering why my wife is so glad we'll be having a girl.  Her sister-in-law recently had a boy, and has filled her head with horror stories of how baby boys seem to wait until you're changing their diaper to pee with uncanny aim.

[Selby]

Her sister-in-law recently had a boy, and has filled her head with horror stories of how baby boys seem to wait until you're changing their diaper to pee with uncanny aim.

Ours has never peed on anyone during diaper changes, but that doesn't mean we leave him uncovered for any length of time.  It's not as bad as everyone makes it out to be.

[Samwise]

Cold air sets it off.

[Dren]

Yeah, you just don't leave him uncovered.  The cold air does set it off.  Warm baths don't help either.

Disposable diapers do a fine job of containing the pee.  You just have to make sure they are on right first.  Second, you always point the penis down.  If it is up, it doesn't matter if he's wearing 3 diapers, it will shoot out the top.  Don't let any of the diaper roll over on itself around the legs.  That should do it.

When I change my kids, I always have the clean diaper underneath them before opening "the package."  That way any yucky messes goes onto that, plus I can grab it and wrap it around up onto the penis as soon as possible to prevent getting drenched.

1 girl, 3 boys.  I know these things.

[Yegolev]

The sooner you accept the fact that you are going to get piss and shit on you a lot, the better off you will be.  My son actually shit in my eye once; you can't get more horrible than that.  I'm pretty much immune to disgusting things now.

He will piss on you as soon as you take that diaper off.  One trick is to open the diaper partway so that you can block the stream.  By now you should know to point the gun away from you when cleaning it, so learn to do the side change.

[TheWalrus]

Grats and good luck! Here's a story from the tender age of 2 my little girl provided me with.

Mommy, I got Poop.

   We open on a weekend. Night has fallen, and mother has come to the new house to visit. The evening is winding down with the television babbling gently in the background as we all sit and talk about the things we've missed in each others lives. Zoe is getting bored, because, well, grown ups are boring. So Andrea picks her up and takes her in the other room to watch a movie and hopefully go to sleep while we keep up the adult stuff. Movie time is a go, and we pick up where we were back in the living room. All is peaceful. Or so we thought...
   The telltale thump of a child moving not so stealthily down the hall is heard. Conversation stops as we wait to see what the little one wanted. Zoe rounds the corner and...

   Now, before I continue, this next part is quite graphic and may involve some swearing. Just a warning.

   You know when people say the mind recoils in horror, or my heart skipped a beat or any of that linguistic exaggeration people can be prone to in times of telling? I know what that means. You see, her hands and face were brown. A large part of me wanted to believe that I had stashed chocolate somewhere and she had gotten into it. Really. Because it was on her face. It's on her face, oh god, it's on her face. But the logical part of me knew better. My little girl had found the Fecal Forest Mine and had gone spelunking. Andi sprang into action, unlike myself who just sat frozen in terror. I heard the running, the inevitable "Don't touch ANYTHING" and mother laughing and someone was screaming. I realized it was me. (Ok not really. But mentally? Damn straight.) I finally mustered the courage to venture into that dank dungeon of doo doo, winding my way down the dark hall. The smell! Goodness she'd been hauled off for a couple minutes and it was still reminiscent of the long forgotten stalls in highway rest stops. I entered the bedroom to see that my girl was going to be a gymnast! Yes thats right, there were spectacular hand prints all over the bedspread where she must have walked upside down off the bed. I'm sure she stuck the landing. I muttered "What the @$^#%^%" and left the room. The whole thing only lasted about five minutes, but lemme tell you...it'll stay with me a lifetime.

[Prospero]

You're supposed to keep those stories to yourself. I'm going to have nightmares now.

On the flip side, if gymnastic poop flinging is the biggest of our problems, life will be good. Still that story was 

[Azazel]

I am never having children. Not that I am in any way wavering, but stories like that only reaffirm my decision.

[Merusk]

And lest you think Walrus just has some freaky bad luck...

Both my nephews decided to be 'poo artists' when Mom didn't answer their cries fast enough.  I'm told it was horrific.  One of my co-workers has a similar tale as well.

I still can't decide if poo on the walls is worse than "kid pisses in your mouth."  Remember, folks, it's COLD when diapers come off and that frigid air causes little muscles to contract.  Drop that clean diaper over their waist as a shield.

[Cadaverine]

I'll take poo on the wall over piss in the mouth.  At least I could hold my breath when the kid wiped crap all over the wall.

Which he did for some while.  Took us a bit to figure out he was constipated, and he was sticking his finger(s) up his backside, then wiping it on the side of the bathroom counter.    Finally got that dealt with, and then he decides it's time to pee standing up, like dad.  'Cept I can't seem to get him to lift the lid to save my life.

[Samwise]

You know, neither me nor either of my siblings ever did any of this weird shit.  I'm starting to think on Mother's Day our mom should take US out for being so easy.

I can only hope that trait doesn't skip generations.