"I'm a retard" and other stories

[bhodi]

Welcome to another edition of "Bhodi's Short Bus" theater! I'll be your host, so let's get this thing started. I wanted to make this thread to share with you my short bus moments, and hopefully to get some people to share theirs. Because laughter is the best medicine, or something. Note that this thread is only for blatantly stupid or newbish things, not for plum bad luck. I'll allow a certain someone's t1 hauler adventures through lowsec with 300m worth of T2 hammerheads, however. That one goes beyond bad luck.


Only an hour ago, I was finishing up a L4 mission in my raven called Vengance. At the end, it's got a queen bitch called "Rachen Mysuna" in a tweaked out 2.5 million bounty raven. There she was, hovering at 50km and I'm completely unable to break her tank. I figure my drones could tip the scales, but my drone range is only 45m. So, I hike the 3 jumps back, buy a 100mn AB, fit it out, and head back there.

I'm closing distance with her when she locks me up and starts firing back for 440 damage per torpedo. Her magical NPC torpedoes can travel 60km, so whatever. I'm slowly bridging the distance to drone range, but my cap is starting to run low. I know I'm not going to be able to keep the AB on for long. I've got 2 heavy NOS, but that range is even shorter than my drone range -- 25km.

Then, suddenly, I get a wonderful idea. I get a marvelous idea. I get a wonderfully marvelous idea.

I fly with an alt on my other monitor, the one I'm training up for covops. She's in a cormorant just salvaging stuff as I kill it. This is gonna be great. I lock her up, figuring that I can just siphon some of her cap and use it to bolster my own, until I can get in range of the NPC. She's in fleet with me, so it's no big deal, right? I fire both barrels.
CONCORDOKKEN! There goes my missioning raven and my arbalest cruise launcher and my X-L shield booster and OH MY GOD what happened?

I recover my senses. Apparently, you must be in the same corp, not just the same fleet to fire upon someone. Now I know, and knowing is half the battle. Luckily, LC was on hand to help me kill the bitch, recover my wreck, and finish the mission. This will all be worth it, because according to the mission cheat sheet, "Loot from Mysuna can be quite good (like Arbalest Cruise + Siege, named 350mm Railgun etc)". WRONG! I get "Cruise Missile Launcher I" and 100 cruise missiles.

Total loss: 20m. (Cue laugh.). Not funny enough? Fine. Go back and click the concordokken to see where that term comes from. Seriously. Watch that video.

[bhodi]

Here's my other glorious post buried in the recruitment thread. It's too funny not to go here as well. I am *STILL* trying to work off my standing hit, which is why I was running missions like the one above!

119h, 52m ago - Mammoth - ECM Burst. This thing is cool; it'll break locks on anyone who targets me. I'll just stick that right on there, it fits great. OK, time to undock and check it out. Well, I'm in jita moon 4, the main trade hub of the game and there are about 15 people in range. Well, it won't do anything if no one's targeting me, right? So I wonder what the effect looks like. Where's the activate button? Oh, it's like a smartbomb that hits everything in range. Aggression, -0.5% standings X15 + Caldari Sentry Gun II. There goes 10mil in mammoth and cargo hold IIs.

[TheWalrus]

At least some folks laughed eh?

[nurtsi]

"Wrecks are dangerous"

A bit similar to Bhodi's:

We have an alliance mining op going in some hi-sec system. Lots of people mining and others providing security (as we are in war). We've been here for few hours and the belt has quite a few rat wrecks floating around. We're starting to wrap up the op but nobody has a salvager. Greedy bastards that we are, we don't want to let anyone else have the loot either so we decide to pop the wrecks.

People start targetting the wrecks and shooting them. Suddenly the overview fills with Concord ships and one of our faction-fitted battleships is under fire. Few seconds later it goes boom. We're like WTF just happened?

Turns out, the guy had just shot at a wreck belonging to another corp in our alliance. Being in the same fleet and the same alliance isn't enough.
Total loss: 100m+

[Grand Design]

I'll post this here even though it's not in-game stupidity.

So I had the flu last week.  It was bearable until Wednesday when I had to take the afternoon off.  I went home, took some dextromethorphan and went to sleep.  When I woke, I felt better than I had in days and for the first time all week, felt like I could sit up and play some Eve.  Unfortunately, as soon as I logged in, it is announced that the servers are coming down for an hour.  No problem, I set a skill for two hours and logged off.

The fever and medicine combined into a perfect storm of clouded judgement.  I'll balance my bank account!  In the process, I notice that I only have one charge per month from CCP, which is odd considering that I play two accounts.  I double checked against Iriq's account on Eve's website, and I have not been charged since I reactivated both accounts three months ago.  Huh.

Now, this is the part with the little angel software developer on my right shoulder and the little devil software developer on my left.  I'm trying to figure out how CCP could make such fundamental mistake.  Collecting money is priority number one.  When I renewed Uriq, did it update the subscription table based on my name or credit card number or something else that isn't unique and applies to both accounts?

No matter - I'm not going to cheat CCP out of money they have earned creating a game I love to play.  As a programmer, I have a duty to look out for others in the same profession.  But before I compose a kind email to CCP alerting them of a potential revenue losing error, maybe I'll just try the easy solution.  I clicked renew on Iriq's account page.  Man, that dextromethorphan is good shit.  I am flying.

The server comes back up and I proceed to log in Uriq.  I open Eve on Iriq's PC and .. your account has been deactivated.  Wait - I just played three months without paying and now that I've paid my account is disabled?  I go back to Iriq's account page and CCP has charged my bank account five times!  I go to my bank account online and, sure enough, five consecutive charges from Iceland for 14.95 in less than thirty seconds.  A sixth charge, for the current month, is denied because, dumbasses, charging someone's bank account five times in a row for the same amount from Iceland tends to raise red flags at the bank.  So now CCP is banned from my bank account and I've just paid for six months of subscriptions on a secondary account that I played for three months.  And I can't log in.  AWWWWWESOME.

But here's the kicker.  By some miracle of me dropping the soap in Fate's shower, I did this on the same fucking day and at the same fucking time that Uriq's account is to renew.  As I'm giggling at my own honesty and the trouble it has caused me, Uriq is booted from the server with the 'account disabled' message.  Man, that dextromethorphan is good shit.  Woah, deja vu.

And what really got to me is that I had switched Uriq to a two-hour skill instead of leaving the six day skill that he was training.  Money I can make - skill training time is priceless.

So, the next time you find yourself in a moral dilemma that involves Eve, ask yourself, "What would Slayer do?" 

I wish I had.

[Furiously]

So tonight I am in the 3rd step of a 5 step mission. Killing Caldari Navy.

So I have to destroy a listening post or something and grab a data cube.

Blow it up, agro everything, I tractor beam it toward me, and then proceed to shoot it.

[Slayerik]

So, the next time you find yourself in a moral dilemma that involves Eve, ask yourself, "What would Slayer do?" 

I wish I had.

lmao... WWSD Bracelets now for sale, special prices for f13 brosefs! :)

[Morat20]

So tonight I am in the 3rd step of a 5 step mission. Killing Caldari Navy.

So I have to destroy a listening post or something and grab a data cube.

Blow it up, agro everything, I tractor beam it toward me, and then proceed to shoot it.

I did that one. They really fucking mean it when they say there's a two-hour timer. I saw some screenies of people who took a break.

I really need to run some Caldari and Amarr missions. They're getting really pissy about me.

[Furiously]

I heard something about sharing mission with a group and it splits the lp now?

[dwindlehop]

About exactly a year ago, I started running in my first serious PvP gangs (as in, they actually expected not to die). We popped a squad of outlaw MDK BS with Claymore yarring in Solitude and started to collect the loot. All of a sudden, my guns are firing on the loot, the sentry guns decide I'm a target, and I have to bail before I lose my ship. "Weird," I thought.

Then, later, I'm camping a station waiting for an interceptor pilot to undock so I can instapop him in my Rupture. All of a sudden, my guns start shooting the station turrets, I'm like 30km off the undock point with no tank, and the turrets fire back. I lose that Rupture, and a frigate and noob ship while I test to see if my flag goes down. I am officially the first person to get shot by sentry guns in 0.0 that anyone I talk to has ever heard of, and I still don't know why my guns activate themselves during tense PvP moments.

After asking around, it comes out that I was priming my guns by pushing F1-F8 before the fight so I didn't have to remember to do it during. And, of course, when your guns are active with no target, just a single left click on anything on your overview or in space will target that object. When you target something with active guns, then of course they begin shooting immediately. I was just amusing myself by clicking on stuff in space and doing info or open cargo, but I was actually sending commands to shoot that space junk immediately.

Now none of you should ever make this mistake. Right click in space or click all your guns to deactivate them before clicking on things like gates or cans.

[Kamen]

When assigned a courier mission it's usually wise to actually place the cargo in your ship before flying the 10 jumps to deliver it.

When placing a buy order on the market, where you place the decimal point matters... a lot... a whole lot.

Blindly warping to moons in lowsec and 0.0 in your fancy assed, high dollar ratting battleship can provide POS weapon systems with some great target practice, and you with some nifty explosion screenshots.

If you think a cloak is a 100% "ha ha, you can't see me so you can't kill me" button you would be wrong.

It took a while, but I finally figured out that getting drunk while hunting isn't a good idea on the internet either.

[Grand Design]

It took a while, but I finally figured out that getting drunk while hunting isn't a good idea on the internet either.

I've developed a personal rule involving a four beer limit and L3+ missions.

[Morat20]

I've developed a personal rule involving a four beer limit and L3+ missions.

Yeah, I can understand that. I had one where I was just cruising along, shooting and looting, and then thought "Wait a second....isn't that red line my hull? SHIT!". I warped out with about 2% remaining. Had to leave all my T2 drones (I did get them back later).

[Viin]

While almost every time I play EVE I have an 'I'm a retard' moment (which is what makes this game so great, there's so many ways to shoot yourself in the foot and YOU KNOW IT), my best one .. to put it really simple:

A Badger Mark II.
A crap load of BPCs, BPOs, expensive minerals, etc etc. Prolly 500mil+ worth, and all corp property.
An 30-jump AFK autopilot route to the otherside of empire space.
An enterprising fellow in a large ship, camping my exit gate in Rancer.
...
Need I go on?

I think I have the killmail still.

Edit: rancor, rancer, whatevah..

[Murgos]

I'm sure if you ask nice Slayer will give it back.

[Grand Design]

Naaaaaaaaaaaa.....

[dwindlehop]

An enterprising fellow in a large ship, camping my exit gate in Rancor.

* dwindlehop remembers that. 

It's Rancer, not Rancor.

[Logik]

An enterprising fellow in a large ship, camping my exit gate in Rancor.

* dwindlehop remembers that. 

It's Rancer, not Rancor.

Was this when October Snow or The United were there?

[ajax34i]

Along the same lines, but a long time ago:

Badger Mark 2
Extremely nice buy order for pyerite 4 jumps away.

Off I went...  At some point along the way I noticed that the destination was a 0.4 system...  hmm, too late to turn back.  Got to the gate, jumped into the .4, and there was a guy in an indy waiting on the other side, but I didn't think anything of it.  Aligned and warped to the station (no warp-to-zero back then), and lo and behold I get locked by this battleship which proceeds to one-shot me then warp away from the station's sentry gun fire.  And his industrial buddy who was waiting by the gate warps in and grabs the pyerite.

Turns out it was their buy order.

Well, being rather new to EVE, I vowed revenge (silently in my head) and then wasted the next couple of days waiting for the guy to log on, and then warping around the system in a Caracal trying to find him, and then finally figured out that I wasn't going to be able to one-shoot him and wouldn't like the security hit anyway, so I stopped, but it took 2 days.

[lac]

If you are in a covops, don't forget to cloak 

http://f13.7mph.com/?a=kill_detail&kll_id=165

[Moosehands]

5 minutes ago a buddy of mine just accidentally concorded themselves out of a t2/faction/rigged ishtar.  Since that was their only ship in empire they decided "fuck it" and pod-jumped back out to 0.0.

Good-bye full set of +5s and Rogues.

[Kamen]

5 minutes ago a buddy of mine just accidentally concorded themselves out of a t2/faction/rigged ishtar.  Since that was their only ship in empire they decided "fuck it" and pod-jumped back out to 0.0.

Good-bye full set of +5s and Rogues.

Ouch.  I think that might rise to the level of, "I'm retarded beyond belief".

[Moosehands]

EVE really needs some sort of sudo implementation.  Or a breathalyzer.  Or something.

[Grand Design]

I finally did it after two years of avoiding it. 

I've lost barges in 0.4 sec, I've lost BCs to L3 missions, I've shield tanked an Amarr ship out of pure ignorance (in Uriq's youth), I've jumped into gatecamps when I could have scouted ahead, I've done 10 jumps for a courier mission without the cargo, but I have never, ever fallen for the oldest trick in Eve. 

Until last Thursday, when I bought an Amarr shuttle for 9,000,000 isk.   

I've tucked that shuttle away with a special name to remind me of my stupidity.

[Morat20]

I finally did it after two years of avoiding it. 

I've lost barges in 0.4 sec, I've lost BCs to L3 missions, I've shield tanked an Amarr ship out of pure ignorance (in Uriq's youth), I've jumped into gatecamps when I could have scouted ahead, I've done 10 jumps for a courier mission without the cargo, but I have never, ever fallen for the oldest trick in Eve. 

Until last Thursday, when I bought an Amarr shuttle for 9,000,000 isk.   

I've tucked that shuttle away with a special name to remind me of my stupidity.

In unrelated news, I see that I've sold a shuttle. :)

Just kidding -- I haven't tried that one. I prefer the whole "Buy orders set to 10% or even 1% of the market value" thing. :)

[Grand Design]

Yeah, my first reaction was to throw it right back on the market at 9mil, but I can't even bring myself to do that.  I would say 'lesson learned' but this was lesson number one when I started Eve. 

I'm just retarded.

(But I half expect someone here to say that this tactic is their bread and butter and they are now filthy rich and I should give up my altruism and the poverty that comes with it.)

[Morat20]

Yeah, my first reaction was to throw it right back on the market at 9mil, but I can't even bring myself to do that.  I would say 'lesson learned' but this was lesson number one when I started Eve. 

I'm just retarded.

(But I half expect someone here to say that this tactic is their bread and butter and they are now filthy rich and I should give up my altruism and the poverty that comes with it.)

I believe the standard line is: "If we don't con them into buying a shuttle for 9 million, how will they ever learn not to open the jetcan marked "Newb Lewt" floating off the station?"

[Grand Design]

I saw one of those yesterday in 0.0 15 km off of a gate.  It was marked something like 'Free loot for all - password is ...' and of course the pilot has a -99 billion security status and is in local.   


I may be retarded but I'm not a retard.

[Moosehands]

I sold an Iteron III in Jita for 600,000,000 once.

I sent the guy a very nice thank you mail.

[Grand Design]

We should change this thread to "I'm a Retard | You're  a Retard" to facilitate stories on the flip side of the coin.

How about an "I'm NOT a Retard" story to make up for the 9 million isk shuttle?  After all, this could have been a 25 mil loss story:


I keep shop in a 0.4 system that just happens to be the gateway to a cul de sac of a few systems that are ripe for mining.  Its relatively close to high sec and, until the past couple of months, was quiet and allowed safe-ish low sec mining.  I've been friendly with the other locals, fellow miners, who are also actively guarding this slice of heaven that we found.  They run patrols and occasionally guard the gate in.  I hadn't been 'home' in a while - damned faction grinding - and so I wasn't sure what to expect when I went yesterday.

I had just bought a battlecruiser for ratting and needed to outfit it.  I keep all of my gear, looted or manufactured, on Iriq's account at this home system.  On a whim, I hold the BC back and jump Iriq in with her shuttle.  Gatecamp.  I'm sitting cloaked, reading bios and trying to figure out who these guys are.  They are not familiar, but I keep checking to see if any of them are the local friendlies.  Having a suspicious looking orange next to Uriq on the other side of the gate is making me nervous.

Before I can finish, cloak drops and I am instantly locked.  I get my warp in and am off to my home station.  As a side note, if you have time to lock a shuttle but cannot kill it with your alpha, you're doing it wrong.  Of course they start mocking me in local - asking me to bring the BC in.  In my station, I see a friendly who appears to be semi-afk.  I drop him a note mentioning the gate camp and go grab a beer.  By the time I get back, my neighbors have rained hellfire down on the gatecamp, leaving some very amusing dialogue in local.  BC jumps in, no problem.

Man, that felt good.

[dwindlehop]

I'm a retard: when I'm getting ready to leave for work in the morning, I'll tie my shoelaces and brush my teeth whlie on AP through 0.0. I shoot for wtz on 75% of the gates by breaking AP frequently to reduce my exposure. I actually find that I've lost more ships through web surfing than shoelace-tying, though, because I think about what I'm reading while reading but I think about Eve while I tie my shoes.

You're a retard: one time I was APing through 0.0 in a shuttle and a Claw caught me at 15km off a gate. My hands were on my shoes and there was nothing I could do. The guy locked me and immediately opened fire. He probably blasted away my shield, but leaving his MWD on kept his transversal so high and his range so long that he completely failed to pop me before the AP slid me right into the gate and jumped.

Also, a year ago some carebear brought his Badger II to Y9 to buy some pyerite. This was when RIOT held Y9 without opposition. I happen to know it was pyerite, because it was my corpmate who sold it to him. The guy undocked with ten hostiles in local (admittedly docked). I do not know if he was surprised when my Rifter took him out on the other side of the first gate he jumped through, but he shouldn't have been.

[Grand Design]

AP through 0.0

You may be a retard, but you're a retard with a tremendous swinging set.

I've lost more ships through web surfing than shoelace-tying

This needs a chart.  Ships Lost vs. Non-Eve Activity.

[TheDreamr]

You're a retard:

Multiple freighter escort op from empire, down a 0.0 pipe (ie carebearing it up) - we're sitting on the empire gate looking VERY conspicuous as it was all very last minute, a tristan warps in, orbits us for two minutes then finally goes through the gate.

As we're approaching the first 0.0 gate our covops pilots report a mixed 10 ship gatecamp ahead, including the tristan who'd quite clearly spotted our 20-30 ships sitting on the high-sec gate but neglected to mention this to his friends.  Friends were also retards as they clearly had no intel -- they engaged a bait ship, we jumped in a dictor, bubble went up and then local spiked...  Lets just say it didn't end well for them.

I'm a retard;

Pricing up POS towers one night when I spot a contract that seems to good to be true; WTB faction tower, paying over the odds.  Never one to pass up a quick porfit when cash is running low I get moving before someone else jumps on on ... the time I'd realised it was a scam I was 2 jumps away from the sale, and left with a faction tower I could only unload at a loss.

[Llyse]

So you had to fly all the way back Dreamr?

He essentially cancelled it early?

[TheDreamr]

So you had to fly all the way back Dreamr?

He essentially cancelled it early?

Was a classic scam contract (adding to my retardedness) - they request a big ticket item, put an over-inflated price in the description and then take a few zeros off the actual payment price (say 250,000.00 instead of 250,000,000) and hope that everyone gets tunnel vision on an "easy" profit.