So, 3 Pirates walk into a bar... (and start posting SPOILERS)

[Megrim]

 ... and Norrington makes out with poppet.





Anyway, i was, or have been, a big fan of the Pirates movie franchise up until this point. However, don't be turned off by this first sentence, because the movie is worth watching. It's entertaining, funny and almost wraps up the series almost nicely. And furthermore, i think by this point it's fairly obvious that i'm sitting here wracking my brain as to what other nice things i can say about the movie.  Let me try and explain.

Some preliminary commentary on the film that i've seen has described the pacing of the first two-thirds of the film as slow, suspensefull or even sometimes as downright boring. To be honest, it did feel as if they were building for a big finale (which they were), but it seems that somewhere along the way, the writers just got tired. For anyone who hasn't seen either of the first two movies, this work would infact appear fresh and savvy (please forgive me for that, it's late and i'm tired). Unfortunately, those of us who've enjoyed swashbuckling piratey adventures as acted out by Depp, Legolas, et all will clue-up on the tired gags right away. It was almost surreal, actually - the movie begins with a grim scene i would not associate with an 'adventure comedy' and this seems like it would bode well for the rest of the picture. They even follow it up with solid efforts by a menace oozing Chow Yun-Fat and deliciously vulnerable Knightley, leaving this viewer unsure of where this story is going to go. But then the monkey shoots a rocket into a fireworks factory. I'm not kidding.

I wouldn't pretend to be some kind of fancy, movie critiquing, beret-wearing type, rather than simply being someone who takes advantage of timezones - but that whole sequence pretty-much encapsulates the entire film. They try, really do try to be taken seriously. A good way of describing this would be the difference between the first and second movies. The former was a hearty nautical tale with fencing, good jokes and a witty idea behind it all. The latter tired (and in my mind mostly succeeded)  to create a darker, more mature outlook on some of the things that might, in a particularly vivid imagination, go on behind the 'swashbuckling'. So, there was a clearly defined dichotomy between the two films; we could tell that there was a backstory to these characters, that some were more complicated then they appreared to be, and that the story was getting interesting. Then they give us the rocket-firing monkey.

Now strictly speaking, i'm not really against cute animals, and i might even go so far as to say that this particular monkey was a fine actor. It had a presence on the screen, and, well.... a face more expressive than some of the actors. Unfortunately, the monkey is still only as good the role it's given, and i would be hard pressed to think of things more cliche than what they put that poor bastard up to. Shooting the monkey was a good idea in the second film. It was funny.

But anyway, enough about the monkey (apologies to our simian f13 readers). As i was saying, there seems to be a distinct lack of creative direction in this movie. They kept the darker screen tones of the second, they developed some of the non-primary characters quite nicely and even played to the strengths of the primary characters very well (Barbosa rocks, seriously. He is like this film's version of the Kraken), but at the same time they lost the point. The moral ambiguities developed previously are no-longer in evidence (oh they do try, but it comes off as either completely see-through or convoluted), the main badguy has lost his menace due in no small part to the " heinous and completely reprehensible yet somehow totally predictable and uncharacteristic" evil act, and such a mess is created in trying to explain why the other bad guy is so naughty that at some point it just all becomes so damned, i don't know... blase? I guess maybe they lost this viewer, because having entered the cinema with expectations founded on the progress made in the first two movie, at some point i just stopped caring.

Fortunately for me, the audio and visual aspects of the film are without question. The final battle in the storm, i daresay, at some points rivals the chariot race of Ben-Hur (watch for the over-the-cannon shot into the maelstrom *shudder*). It also goes without saying that the cast they'd picked out has been fantastic, with Rush in particular being so gorram solid. But having said this (the two short sentences i've written here don't really do it any justice. It's worth watching just to see some of the actors walking around), even this is spoilt by the nagging voice in the back of my head that tells me "hey, you know how in the previous two movies they had this limit on the totally hawt Knightley shouting fire only once per movie? Yea, well... not this time. They had to cash in on that sucker." It's the little things that matter.

In conclusion then, go and see it. It's a good, solid piece of entertainment that does not fall prey to the trilogy curse. It is pleasing to the senses, with solid action, great acting and a mildly unusual finale which satisfies, and at the same time leaves room for further work (stay past the credits). But having seen it, been nonplussed by the result and voiced my opinion, my friend on Vent. tells me i fail as a pirate 

It's just that, maybe i'm more of a ninja person now.









* spellchecked but not checked for structure. Also, add 'piratey' and 'gorram' to the spellchecker thingy. If there is another thread already in progress, plz be merging this into it.

[Ironwood]

Were there any big robots beating the shit out of each other ?

[Megrim]

Only in the trailers =p

[Paelos]

You had me at monkey with a rocket-launcher.

[Merusk]

Crap I almost read this.  I'm seeing it tonight and didn't want to have anything spoiled.  Skipping to the bottom I did see the conclusion was "go see it" though, so yay. 

[Calantus]

Are there spoilers in there? I skimmed the first little bit before I chickened out. What I want to know is the ratio of Will and the bitch compared to Jack and Barbosa. Is it more like 1 where you get lots of Jack and Barbosa and only have to put up with the other 2 sometimes, or are those 2 wordy little bitches like in the second one?

[Chimpy]

Crap I almost read this.  I'm seeing it tonight and didn't want to have anything spoiled.  Skipping to the bottom I did see the conclusion was "go see it" though, so yay. 

There really weren't any spoilers, it was pretty much like your typical movie review. Lots of generalizations and critiques of acting.

I will go in with only mild expectations for this movie, thus I should be pleasantly surprised. I don't think it is possible to do a pirate flick as badly as Cuthroat Island and so if I set the bar at just above the level of that I should be good.

[schild]

Loved zee movie. Short of 1 scene. See the movie, you'll know what that scene is. But there's another scene near the beginning that was so good that it counteracted the negative effects of the later scene.

Eh, anyway, awesome.

[CmdrSlack]

Loved zee movie. Short of 1 scene. See the movie, you'll know what that scene is.

Let me guess, they're playing a Wii and enjoying it?   

[Rasix]

Loved zee movie. Short of 1 scene. See the movie, you'll know what that scene is.

Let me guess, they're playing a Wii and enjoying it?   

   It wasn't a Wii, it was a Gamecube and someone was trying to shoo away the monkey while playing Zelda.  OK, now that we've got that out of our system..

I don't know if I want to fight the crowds for this one.  Your review gives me greater hope of enjoyment, Megrim, but the other reviews, the movie length and the prospect of seeing this in a theater full of Tucsonans frightens me.

[Llava]

It's a solid flick and worth the time to see it.  But dodge the crowds, go during the daytime on a weekday if you can manage.  I don't know that I'd be willing to arrive two hours early just to get an okay seat.

[Merusk]

I had a fantastic time.  I really enjoyed it and Schild is right about the earlier scene.  I've got my suspects about what he picked for the later one, but I'm not sure.

Really, the East India stuff was so throw away it didn't really need to be included.  That thread was the worst part of the last two movies, and a good part of the reason some of it feels 'slow.'   They had a few lines hinting at a greater sub-plot, of reason vs mysticism and modernity vs magic but it just wasn't tied well into the whole or developed enough to actually BE a plot.  Then in the end the whole plot is too-quickly resolved in a kind of "oh, uh, ok then" manner.

Despite the length of the above paragraph, that's the first time I really thought on it, though.  It's fucking Pirates and sea ships and fantasy. Yarr!  Good cameo by the Disney ride, too.  :-D

[Triforcer]

This scarce need be said, but the whole series would be 100x more entertaining if Knightley would triple in bra size.

[Lantyssa]

Gods no, she's nice as is.  Stare at Samwise if you need that fix.

I really liked the movie.  Despite the scene in question, I actually liked the monkey this time around.  Maybe because of Barbosa, who was definately one of the best things about the movie.

Our theater was of course full, but it was a good crowd.  All adults, or at least the kids kept quiet, and the audience reaction was always appropriate to the mood.

[Murgos]

I haven't seen the new one yet but I watched the second one this morning and the first one a couple of weeks ago and to the original poster I have to say:  What?

. They try, really do try to be taken seriously. A good way of describing this would be the difference between the first and second movies. The former was a hearty nautical tale with fencing, good jokes and a witty idea behind it all. The latter tired (and in my mind mostly succeeded)  to create a darker, more mature outlook on some of the things that might, in a particularly vivid imagination, go on behind the 'swashbuckling'. So, there was a clearly defined dichotomy between the two films; we could tell that there was a backstory to these characters, that some were more complicated then they appreared to be, and that the story was getting interesting. Then they give us the rocket-firing monkey.

This whole statement to me just say you have no idea what you are talking about.  Nothing, in any of the previous two movies, has any indication of being anything other than a whopping good sea yarn held together by the loosest of threads as they swing, yardarm to yardarm, across whatever sounds like it would make for an interesting scene.  In my estimation a 'Rocket firing-monkey' fits right in with everything else.

[Xuri]

In conclusion then, go and see it. It's a good, solid piece of entertainment that does not fall prey to the trilogy curse. It is pleasing to the senses, with solid action, great acting and a mildly unusual finale which satisfies, and at the same time leaves room for further work (stay past the credits). But having seen it, been nonplussed by the result and voiced my opinion, my friend on Vent. tells me i fail as a pirate

Stay past the credits, you say.. unfortunately I've already been to see the movie, and despite my best efforts to convince myself to remain in my seat while my movie-going-companions left the cinema, I gave in and strolled out with the rest of the crowd.

I enjoyed the movie, but I don't really want to pay for another ticket and sit through three hours (although 3 rather enjoyable hours) to see what happens after the credits.

Prithee, Spoiler/PM?

[rattran]

I thought it was a decent film, a bit confused, some odd parts, but the maelstrom scene was quite nifty.

I stayed past the credits, not a real important scene. It did make it seem less likely the 'sequel setup' was anything but an amusing bit. I caught a lunchtime matinee Friday, it was just me and 3 girls who cheered every time Knightley was on screen. Only one stayed until the very end, I got to watch her mock the other two as we left.

[Riggswolfe]

I'd say this one was leaps and bounds better than #2. Number 2 was all setup and this movie was the payoff. The ending bears discussion because I think some people get confused as to why events play out as they do with the maelstrom but I'll keep my theories to myself for another week or two.

Still, the movie is quite fun. I have mixed feelings about how some of the storylines were tied up at the end, but in general I liked it.

[Samwise]

I thought it was pretty meh.

1) Every character switches loyalties so frequently that it becomes boring.  You don't wonder at what point X is going to double-cross Y because the answer is always "five minutes from now".  It just felt like a desperate ploy to gussy up the lame-ass plot by adding pointless "twists".  Most of the switches didn't even make any sort of logical sense.

2) It's not all that fun to watch people bickering and whining at each other for three hours.  In the first movie, there was all this unresolved sexual tension between Will and Elizabeth that lent a lot of energy to the story.  In this movie, they're just sullen and snippy, and it sucks the air out of every scene that they're in together.  The other characters aren't any better.  There's no camaraderie, no banter.  Just lots of emo.

3) Skeletons are more piratey than fish.  Hence, skeleton pirates are inherently better than fish pirates.  It bugged me in the second movie and continues to bug me in this one.

[Triforcer]

I lost the thread of the plot about halfway through when everyone kept changing sides (and I am usually the guy at movies who can explain crap that confused those I am watching with).  Other than that, a fun movie.  And I am kicking myself for missing the end-credits scene. 

[Ozzu]

I saw it last night in a packed house and really really enjoyed it. My only complaint, until we can divulge some spoilers and discuss the end, is there is entirely too much "Will and the bitch" and not nearly enough Jack and Barbosa. I mean, it's probably near 50/50, but that's waaaay too skewed towards "Will and the bitch" than I would prefer.

I still really loved it though. :)

[Merusk]

Don't move!  I dropped my brain.

For those of you that missed the end credits, it was fairly predictable.  Just a way of wrapping-up the last 5 mins of everyone's least-favorite duo.  Think on it and you can probably describe the exact scene.   It wasn't anything humorous or plot-relevant like the first one where the monkey went back and grabbed the coin, or the second where the dog was made King of the island.

I didn't mind the twists.  They're all Pirates, there's no loyalty so of course there's going to be double and triple crosses as everyone moves towards their own ends.  They're just not as good at it as Jack.  :-D 

I'd say this one was leaps and bounds better than #2. Number 2 was all setup and this movie was the payoff. The ending bears discussion because I think some people get confused as to why events play out as they do with the maelstrom but I'll keep my theories to myself for another week or two.

I've got my own theory as well. Wonder if we coincide on that thought.

[Lantyssa]

I didn't mind the twists.  They're all Pirates, there's no loyalty so of course there's going to be double and triple crosses as everyone moves towards their own ends.  They're just not as good at it as Jack.  :-D 

Those are my thoughts on it as well.  Keep in mind Jack thrives in chaos and keeping people off balance.  He always has his goal, and the more he can make people question his motivations, the better he as at getting what he wants.

[Samwise]

I didn't mind the twists.  They're all Pirates, there's no loyalty so of course there's going to be double and triple crosses as everyone moves towards their own ends.

That's pretty much a given.  The difference is that it was entertaining in the first movie, a little bit less so in the second, and it just came off as lame in this one.     If I were to give the third movie the benefit of the doubt I'd say it's because in the first movie we were still getting to know Jack and it was fun to try to figure out what the hell he was after and what his priorities were. 

More likely, though, I think the writers were all like "HAY GUYZ EVERYONE LIKED THE TWISTS IN THE LAST MOVIES SO LET'S HAVE EVEN MORE IN THIS ONE LOL" and then mandated that there had to be a shift in loyalty on every other page of the script, whether or not it made any sense at that point in the movie.  I could go into detail on particular instances where people did things that were entirely out of character, but I couldn't do it without spoilers, unfortunately.

[Phildo]

To be honest, I didn't mind the Keira-Orlando stuff in this movie.  They did a good job of making me forget that Bloom is a prince of the elves.

[schild]

To be honest, I didn't mind the Keira-Orlando stuff in this movie.  They did a good job of making me forget that Bloom is a prince of the elves.

They did an even better job showing us how much of a pussy bitch he is compared to Kiera. Keira? Kiera? Fuckit, adding both to Firefox spellchecker.

[Megrim]

I haven't seen the new one yet but I watched the second one this morning and the first one a couple of weeks ago and to the original poster I have to say:  What?

. They try, really do try to be taken seriously. A good way of describing this would be the difference between the first and second movies. The former was a hearty nautical tale with fencing, good jokes and a witty idea behind it all. The latter tired (and in my mind mostly succeeded)  to create a darker, more mature outlook on some of the things that might, in a particularly vivid imagination, go on behind the 'swashbuckling'. So, there was a clearly defined dichotomy between the two films; we could tell that there was a backstory to these characters, that some were more complicated then they appreared to be, and that the story was getting interesting. Then they give us the rocket-firing monkey.

This whole statement to me just say you have no idea what you are talking about.  Nothing, in any of the previous two movies, has any indication of being anything other than a whopping good sea yarn held together by the loosest of threads as they swing, yardarm to yardarm, across whatever sounds like it would make for an interesting scene.  In my estimation a 'Rocket firing-monkey' fits right in with everything else.

Ah, but this is because you are operating under the mistaken assumption that i at any point have any idea what i'm talking about. Which i don't. Ergo your supposition is flawed.

 :-D

[Wolf]

didn't really like the second one, not a big fan of this one either. The first one was teh aweosme, but it's been downhill from there. That doesn't mean they're not good movies, I recommend both. There are just too many plot holes for me to like it :)

Keira... 

[Zonk]

Saw it yesterday morning, finally. Now that I've had a chance to digest it:

1.) This was like FOUR movies in one three-hour long smorgasboard. They probably should have trimmed some of these threads.
2.) Keira Knightly is the Anti-Padme in these movies. So much love. See Lucas? That's how you fucking write women.
3.) The movie where Calypso becomes huge and stuff was kinda boring and predictable. Hasn't been a lot of that so far in these films.
4.) The movie where Wil becomes the cap'n of the Dutchman (for about 30 seconds) was really predictable too, but I liked it. Still glad he won't be in future POTC flicks. He needs to not play a sword-wielding fancy lad for a while.
5.) Heh. Jones has a bucket.
6.) If Black Pearl was five stars, Dead Man's Chest was three stars, I'd give this like ... three and a half stars. Mebbe four.

edit: Oops. Sorry. Thought we'd already crossed the spoiler line. I ruin everything. :)

[Merusk]

Erk.. after that last post one of the mods or Megrim needs to adjust the title for spoiler warnings, methinks.

[Samwise]

Agreed.  Done.

[ahoythematey]

After the ending I had the thought cross my mind that all these unfinished plotlines were...well, unfinished, so that they could lend story to the fucking MMO.  Meh, I thought the movie was a much, MUCH better sequel than Spider Man 3, but still just doesn't particularly touch the first for teh awesomeness.

My one sticking point, though: I'm kind of getting tired of these hard-boiled heroines and their badassery displays or speeches.  Would it hurt to just have a plain damsel in distress once in a while?  It's obviously not the feminist view of things, but not every female lead has to be Sarah Connor from T2.  I'm not sure how much ground I have to stand on with that argument, but it's how I felt towards the end of pirates3.

Although that could also just be my general feeling towards these William Wallace speeches that happen too much as opposed to the specific instance.

[Chimpy]

It needed more "rum" jokes.

[Lantyssa]

Women want to be badass, too.  It's certainly better than only being eye candy or a way to give the hero someone to rescue.

When women get roles like Jack (and how often do men even get those?), then I think it would be a great criticism.  The movie didn't even give a lot of leeway as Keira was the only female in a major or supporting role.  Otherwise we had the pirates being hanged, the geisha pirate queen, and trollups.

[ahoythematey]

That's a good point.  There was Elizabeth and...Calypso.  I just feel like it wasn't really believable for that particular character, though.  If she was a full-blown pirate I could probably have bought it, but Swann was the daughter of an aristocrat.  I dunno, maybe I'm a misogynist...