The Aristocrats: Blow by BlowWhy has The Aristocrats been called the dirtiest movie ever made? The answer’s in this spoiler-rich index.
by Andrew Goldman
As its July 29 release date approaches, The Aristocrats continues to generate a swirl of controversy for being quite possibly the dirtiest movie ever made, an impressive feat considering it contains not a single frame of nudity. Just last week, AMC, which will soon be the nation’s second largest theater chain, announced it wouldn’t be showing the 90-minute film on any of its 3,500 screens.
So what’s all the fuss about? Penn Jillette and Paul Provenza’s low-budget documentary features over 100 comics—including Chris Rock, Jon Stewart, George Carlin, Whoopi Goldberg, Phyllis Diller, Drew Carey, Robin Williams, Bill Maher, and Sarah Silverman—performing their own improvised versions of the same joke, known as “the Aristocrats.” The premise of the joke, which dates back to Vaudeville, isn’t all that shocking. It concerns an uncommonly affectionate—and oddly leaky—family act auditioning before a talent agent. After finishing, the agent asks them what they call their act. “The Aristocrats,” the agent’s told. What’s so dirty about that? Well, as anticlimactic as the punchline sounds, it’s the details of the performance that have provided generations of comics the improvisational latitude to go bluer than any man or woman before.
Radar dispatched a team of dark-suited operatives to a recent screening in order to document what could have possibly scared AMC away. Readers in New York and L.A., and anyone with a sensitive stomach, may want to steer clear of this complete film index. Those of you in the hinterlands: grab some popcorn, and enjoy. Oh, and you’ll probably want to wear a raincoat …
Anal blood, used by son to splatter audience
Analingus, performed by son on father
performed by daughter on father
performed by father on daughter
performed by son with mother’s feces in his mouth on infant
Anus, Cow’s, penetrated by unidentified person’s fist
Daughter’s, penetrated by father’s fist
Daughter’s, penetrated by grandfather
Dog’s, finger inserted into by daughter
Dog’s, penetrated by grandfather
Dog’s, penetrated by son
Father’s and son’s, alternately licked by daughter
Father’s, used to play bagpipes
Father’s, used to catch ping-pong balls
Grandmother’s, penetrated by son
Mother’s, penetrated by son
Mother’s, penetrated by father
Mother’s, penetrated by son
Son’s, penetrated by father
Audience, invited to masturbate niece and nephew
Axe handle, used by father to hit daughter’s head
Baseball bat, used by father to beat three daughters
used by father to beat wife
“Be a Clown,” sung by family in unison
Bicycle, ridden by grandmother while urinating on family
ridden by woman with outsized vaginal cavity from which men emerge spitting vaginal mucous on audience
Birth Canal, mother’s, infant son half reinserted into by father, who then anally penetrates son
Boil, popped by father on own back
Bucket of Feces, put over own head by daughter who then goose-steps around the stage
thrown by son into mother’s face
Buddhist Monk, raped orally and anally by indigenous tribesmen, then killed
Bullet Hole, shot in son’s head by father then used for intercourse
Burst Hemorrhoid, affixed by father to tip of nose
Cartwheels, performed by mother in the nude
Catholic priest, raped orally and anally by indigenous tribesmen
Copulation, performed by dog and daughter
performed by father and daughter
performed by father and daughter while daughter fellates son
performed by father and gorilla
performed by father and mother
performed by grandfather and mother
performed by son and grandmother
performed by son and mother
Cunnilingus, performed by father on wife
performed by son on daughter
Curry Powder, sprinkled by unidentified Indian man onto penis of unidentified African-American man
Defecation, by Betsy Ross
by entire family on stage in unison
by family dog on family
by father into wife’s mouth
by father on dead daughter
by father on stage
by man into woman’s vagina
by mother and father defecate on stage, with children frolicing in result
by mother into metal bucket
by mother into son’s mouth
Defecation and Urination, by dog on stage
Desk Drawer, slammed repeatedly by father to flatten penis
Diarrhea, attack of which propels son in circles around stage
Dog, penetrated by talent agent penetrates man anally while cat licks man’s testicles
Donkey, urinated on by father
Dried Semen, chipped off mother’s desk by father
Ejaculation, by father onto daughter’s rectum
by father onto entire family
by father onto mother’s face
by six dwarves on stage, one by one
Extra-Large Vagina, used by several men as hideout
Feces, applied by father in preparation for blackface routine
danced in by father
eaten by son
eaten out of grandmother’s rectum by father
Grandfather’s, eaten by daughter
Mother’s, removed from bucket and juggled by son while urinating into daughter’s mouth
rolled around in by family
rolled around in by father
skated through by family
slid through by family
slid through by female family members
Son’s, applied by mother on family members
splits performed into by family in unison
Feces and Urine, eaten off family by dog, who then jumps through hoop
rolled in by family
Fellatio, performed by Eddie Fisher on goat in MGM studio lot to the dismay of wife Debbie Reynolds
performed by father on infant son
performed by mother on donkey
performed by mother on father
performed by sister on brother
performed by son on father
performed on father by unborn baby as father penetrates pregnant mother anally
Finger, pulled by daughter to cause passage of gas
Fishhook, used by father to pierce penis
Fishhook-Pierced Penis, used by father to copulate with daughter
Fisting, particular enjoyment of by Mickey Rooney
Flaming Elephant Penises, juggled by unidentified man
Flattened Penis, used by father to beat children
used by father to knock out son’s eye, then penetrate eye socket
“God Bless America”, sung by grandparents while engaged in intercourse
Kazoo, placed in anus by grandmother to perform “Begin the Beguine” while fellating grandfather
Kerosene, added by son to bucket of urine and feces then ignited
Kiddie Pool, filled with Beef Entrails and Aborted Fetuses, waded into by family
Liberty Bell, cracked by signers of Declaration of Independence who hit it sliding through Betsy Ross’s feces
Light, flipped on by Amish father
Liquid Feces, gargled then swallowed by mother
Lit Cigar, inserted by father into mother’s anus
Liza Minnelli’s Swollen Clitoris, compared to Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade float
“Make Them Laugh,” sung by family in unison
Masturbation, performed by father into shot glass
performed by son onto mother multiple times
performed by son with outsized genitalia until the head of penis explodes
performed on son by mother
performed simultaneously by male family members onto dead grandmother
performed simultaneously by male family members onto dish
Mutual, performed by Siamese twins who are attached at derriere
Midget Uncle With Three Penises Protruding From Head, appearance on stage by
Mixture of Feces and Urine, applied to face by father
Mop Handle, inserted into unidentified man’s anus by unidentified African American man
“Nearer My God to Thee”, sung by daughter while juggling torches
Pinky Fingers, inserted by mother into father and son’s anuses as they ejaculate
Pope, penetrated by talent agent
Projectile Vomiting, by mother all over audience
Puddle of Semen, Feces, and Urine, coitus and oral sex performed by family in
Rabbi, raped orally and anally by indigenous tribesmen
Radio, listened to by Amish mother
Ring of Fire, jumped through by dog
Semen, drunk from shot glasses by mother
Father’s, eaten by mother out of daughter’s anus
Father’s, eaten by son off mother’s face
Father’s, spat out by infant after being born by mother
Male Family Members’, eaten by female family
Semen and Sweat Mixture, used by family to bathe
Shetland Pony, yielded live by grandmother during failed abortion, then ridden off stage by grandfather
Shoes, shined by Liza Minnelli with own vaginal mucous
Sixty-Nine, performed by father and daughter on each other
Smoke Rings, blown from mother’s vagina, then jumped through by son
Songs, sung by four unrelated men who fashion helmets out of their outsized genitalia
sung by mother as daughter masturbates father and son simultaneously
Striptease, performed by mother
Tampon, removed by father from wife’s vagina and thrown at wall, to which it sticks
“Tea for Two,” played by wife using her vagina as an instrument
Trapeze, used by family to performed act while urinating on audience
Unspecified Animal Manure, swum though by family
Urination, by dog on family
by family onto one another in unison
by three men on stage
Vagina, Daughter’s, penetrated by father’s fingers
Daughter’s, penetrated by father with hot curling iron
Daughter’s, penetrated by mother’s fist
Vomit, causing entire family to vomit when smelled
eaten by family member after vomiting
Vomiting, by son and daughter on stage in unison
by the entire family in unison
by three men on stage
Wallet, stolen by Hispanic male who then defecates on stage
“What a Wonderful World,” gas passed to tune of by son and daughter
Xylophone, played by son with penis
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