Have A Nice Period!

[Signe]

 
 This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American
 company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She
 really gets rolling after the first paragraph...
 
 Dear Mr. Thatcher,
 I have been a loyal user of your ' Always ' maxi pads for over 20
 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak
 Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
 riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up
 and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
 
 But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
 Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial
 it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
 secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
 Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered
 from the curse?  I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month
 is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
 violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my
 body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes
 to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body
 amazing?
 
 As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
 seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
 customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know
 about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
 intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You
 surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last
 week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
 boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he
 told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.

Crazy!

 
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
 just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings
 me to the reason for my letter.
 
 Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
 reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-
 pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
 'Have a Happy Period.'
 
 Are you fu**ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your
 tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
 laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did
 anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did
 it, James?
 
 FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will
 never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack
 yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just
 so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a
 hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
 
 For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to
 slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to
 say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer'
 or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong' , or are you just picking on us?
 Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
 immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
 chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
 certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
 brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.
 Always.
 
 Best,
 Wendi Aarons Austin , TX
 
 PC Magazine ' s 2007 editors ' choice for best webmail-award-winning
 letter

[MrHat]

Heh.

[WayAbvPar]

he
 told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.

He's not wrong.

[Ookii]

Lolz @ guy's replies in the period thread.  WE SHOULDN'T BE IN HERE.

[Merusk]

Do you think the ladies would be as obliging about a prostate exam or vasectomy thread? Nah.

The pre-menstrual psycho bitch stereotype is odd.  Everything I've read said the discomfort and cramping is common, but not the psychotic mood swings.  Perhaps the ladies are just hiding it really well, and lying on the surveys.

Still, we fixed erectile dysfunction in 70 year olds before worrying about cramping, dryness or other female issues. Fuck, is any of that even on "the list" at this point? Hrm.

[Gutboy Barrelhouse]

Hey the last Grey's had a dude that took a chainsaw and cut off his foot with it in the hospital. Great TV.

[Xanthippe]

The pre-menstrual psycho bitch stereotype is odd.  Everything I've read said the discomfort and cramping is common, but not the psychotic mood swings.  Perhaps the ladies are just hiding it really well, and lying on the surveys.

You've never been on my regular chat channel.

[Paelos]

Women in my family just get snarkier, and they cut you less slack. There's no crazed crying spells or large fits. A woman I dated in the past had 3 sisters and a mother who were all on the same cycle.

To counteract that, the father had a regular monthly fishing trip planned with his friends.

[murdoc]

Hey the last Grey's had a dude that took a chainsaw and cut off his foot with it in the hospital. Great TV.

You watch Grey's Anatomy?

[lamaros]

Women in my family just get snarkier, and they cut you less slack. There's no crazed crying spells or large fits. A woman I dated in the past had 3 sisters and a mother who were all on the same cycle.

When women live close together their cycles tend to the same. You probably know, but hey!

[Signe]

I don't have a cycle.  I have a scooter.

[rk47]

Maybe they shd just replace it with a  sticker

[Paelos]

I don't have a cycle.  I have a scooter.

That's a thinker.

[Ironwood]

Nowt worse than a Scooter in your Cooter.

[Oban]

[voodoolily]

Ahem. Gentlemen, you may want to cover your ears.

I am about to embark on a journey that I haven't visited since I was 16 (when I went on Depo-Provera). Tonight, I will begin my first round of "the green ones" in my pack of birth control pills, to which I just switched (from Depo-Provera) three weeks ago. I may actually have my first regular period for the first time in 15 years tomorrow. I have only menstruated approximately 20 or 30 times in my entire life because of strictly-regimented hormonal manipulation.

I feel like a kid on Christmas eve. Countdown to the crimson tide!

[Samwise]

Mazeltov?

[Paelos]

And you thought she was bitchy before!

[voodoolily]

heh, I've been more worried that all these years of bitch was because of the birth control, and that when I went off or switched I would turn out to be really sweet and sincere, and that sauced wouldn't like me as much. 

[Sky]

Yeah. I used to think I was lazy and my apartment was an organizational nightmare because I smoked too much pot.

Turns out I'm more motivated and organized when I smoke pot, the place is a total nightmare now. Clean, but zomg where is mah stuffs?

[Phildo]

I used to have a roommate that would sit around and play Mario Kart all day.  Then he would get high and trim the bushes, mow the lawn or completely rearrange the furniture in his room.

[RhyssaFireheart]

I must be some freak of nature female then, because I've never had the severe mood swings or painful periods that so many women seem to complain about, or that seem to be the stereotype about periods in general.  And this is coming from someone who dealt with abnormal bleeding for years after having a ectopic pregnancy.  In fact, the only pain I ever had from the ectopic was when I thought I was miscarrying, and that was solved once .. nm, tmi there.  My doctor couldn't believe I wasn't in pain from the ectopic itself.

Still, that letter is pretty funny, although I have to ask wtf wears pads?  Those are nasty and just feel unhygienic.
 

[NiX]

Still, that letter is pretty funny, although I have to ask wtf wears pads?  Those are nasty and just feel unhygienic.

I thought the same thing. Any girl I know that's openly talked about their period has mentioned how pads are the devil. Either way, my girlfriend doesn't go psycho on her period. She just gets overly horny. It's actually annoying.

[HaemishM]

I have seen multiple instances of the psycho period effect. It does exist and it is truly terrible in its fury.

[Sky]

My fiancee has a Glare of Doom.