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Captain's Log: Instead of boring you with my own update, here's an excerpt from the diary of newly minted Lieutenant, Tom Paris:




As it would turn out, I wasn't quite done with the war time promotions. We still needed a chief engineer because I guess the previous one of those died as well. There was only one person right for the job.

And it wasn't this guy.





I don't know how good of mechanics Klingon's usually are, but damned if I was going to give Carey an ounce of power on this ship.
















I've got to be honest, looking back on this now I complete forgot that Michael Jonas existed. Did he die somewhere along the way? Damned if I remember, but I'm pretty sure this is the last time you'll see him mentioned.

Anyhow, we kicked things off with an away mission to some caves. You know, just one of those run-of-the-mill organ harvesting cave systems you always hear about.





I have to be honest, we weren't entirely sure what to do in this situation. Fortunately, one of the organ snatchers burst in, took one look at as and ran.








Tuvok reached the only logical conclusion, several minutes after the rest of us.





I'm not entirely sure why I decided to chase after them. We broke into their home, and scared them off. They hadn't actually done anything to us and yet...





Don't let the title card here fool you. Mirror, Mirror in this context refers to the reflective surfaces inside the asteroid. You won't see a goateed Spock or sexual predator Kira at any point in this saga, and our story is poorer for it.



You know what a hall of mirrors can't fool? Just about any of our technology really.







They're suprisingly polite organ harvesters.









We had Doc whip up some home grown lungs for the ugly one. In return we got a surgical tool that would see a surprising amount of use on the rest of our journey. Seriously, they make jokes about how much coffee I drink on several occasions, but I think my #1 most used appliance is the Vidiian surgical tool

Captain's Log: How a 3-hour tour mission to the Badlands became a multi-year odyssey: By the time we arrived back at the array, the hobo squad was waiting for us.




I won't bore you with the details. Clearly you can see our numbers are bigger. Just picture that thing where stuff on the bridge starts sparking and we all pretend to shake around in our chairs.





This threat would hit slightly harder if he came even remotely close to penetrating our shields.





Meanwhile we got a final plea from the Caretaker. It wasn't the most compelling case.





The choice wasn't that hard. I paid $12 for the deluxe DLC and was going to see it through. I wanted to get home, but my irrational disdain for the Kazon left me wanting to stay in the Delta quadrant just to continue to make their lives hell.











Of course we're not sticking around either, because we don't care about the Ocampa that much. They'll probably be dead before we get home.



Just remembered our first officer died. He does have a name, but I don't remember, and couldn't pick the guy out of a lineup. Now who gets the thankless job of offering me advice that I'm going to ignore every time?





Sure, that guy right there.








I'm less enthused about this pair, nobody else is volunteering to set up the lunch buffet. Kes is generally less useful on a day-to-day level. I don't know who starts a medical career when they've got an estimated 5 years left to live, especially when our current doctor is functionally immortal, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.






Some of you may be asking yourselves who the fuck Xibaen is. Let me just say you'll be seeing more of him later.

I had forgotten the 1st season storylines -- this is fun re-experiencing them.

Captain's Log Supplemental: You do this job for any amount of time and you quickly learn that not all species develop like we do. Even so, Neelix bringing his 2-year-old girlfriend on board raised some eyebrows.

Our flesh and blood doctor died when our ship got brought here. Don't think I ever knew the guy's name. That left Kes to get examined by our EMH backup.





Say the line Doc.





Then it was back down onto the planet to have Kes lead us to the city she came from, where we'd hopefully find Paris and Chakotay.





The people there were surprisingly helpful. In a failed attempt at adding drama, there was an earthquake as we were leaving. I'll spare you the part where the away team had to make up a flight of stairs as the ground shook, because who cares?














At this point, Tuvok presented his hypothesis that the Caretaker fucked up the planet at some point and now takes care of the Ocampa as a way to make amends. They have the life-span of fruit flies so I'm not entirely sure why he bothers. Anyhow, the Caretaker is dying and he's been abducting people like us to find someone genetically compatible enough to turn into his replacement. At least we think that was his plan

With Paris and Chakotay back on board, it was time to head back to the Array and get ourselves home.

Spoiler: We do not get ourselves home.

Captain's Log: With the Caretaker proving useless at the moment we turned our attention towards a lead for getting Chakotay and Paris back. I'm sure as hell not going on any away missions myself and I need the fodder.





Speaking a body to put in harm's way...








Neelix claimed to have a contact on the planet who was the leader of a tribe of Kazon; a species that would have been laughed out of any other quadrant, and most of the Delta quadrant as well. While the Federation was on the verge of war with the Dominion, our nemesis for the early going would a bunch of space hobos who couldn't pose a threat to us even when we helped them.





Once it became apparent that the Kazon were only marginally more fond of Neelix than we were, things escalated quickly





As it would turn out, Neelix's main motivation in taking us to the Kazon was to recover his child bride from them.







I've got plans for you Neelix...

Captain's Log Supplemental: It was time to beam the Maquis on board Voyager. Two crews, once enemies, now working together in an arrangement sure to cause mildly explosive tension once or twice a season.




Tuvok got the team-building off to a great start by revealing himself as a duplicitous bitch that was working for me the whole time.









As fun as this was, it was time to get Banjo man on the line and move the plot along.





Not very helpful, but after a quick wardrobe change (was he just wearing his Starfleet uniform under the Maquis disguise), Tuvok had a lead.

Captain's Log:

Options were admittedly low at this point so the best we could do was to canary-in-a-coal-mine two expendable crew members into the ominous structure.






I'm sure our banjo-playing abductor was trying to put us at ease but missed the mark with the Deliverance vibes.






Kim and Paris attempted to make the best of it, determined to put on the greatest show ever performed in a barn.





Instead, they found themselves faced with the decision of whether they should wake up the half-Klingon woman or the guy who has the superpower of occasionally turning into a bad Native American stereotype when he gets a spotlight episode. Night of the Comet is great, but this was no hard decision.

Captain's Log:

Our tale begins with the newly launched Voyager being tasked to track down a Maquis ship in the Badlands. Who are the Maquis you may ask? You know what, it doesn't really matter. This story takes place far away from all the context that defines their group and their goals. Suffice it to say that they're outlaws and many of them are former Federation. Notable members include fan favorite-ish Ro Laren, and generic white dude Michael Eddington. The story of Voyager features 4 3 2 notable Maquis characters. Maybe the guy that played Chucky in the Child's Play movies will show up here, I don't know. Likeness rights, they are a bitch.

But getting back to the start of things, this is what we're working with:







A former current convict, and the franchise's own Charlie Brown.

We're just going to rapid-fire through this first bit of setup here because it all just happens and there's fuckall for choice involved:

Of the starship, uh... Voyager.

It's mission: To get the crew back to the Alpha Quadrant, even if the Prime Directive gets violated harder than an Orion slave girl at a pon farr orgy. To remind the Kazon that they're the most dogshit recurring villains in all of Trek. To get some measure of use out of having just rewatched seven seasons of mediocre Star Trek, which was still easier for me than getting through one season of The Expanse.




Edit: Star Trek: Voyager – Across the Unknown (just going to toss that in for the search engine).

https://phys.org/news/2025-11-sulfur-cave-spiders-arachnid-megacity.html

Researchers may have discovered the world's biggest spider web, a massive subterranean structure spanning over 100 square meters in a sulfur cave on the Albania–Greece border. The multilayered web along a wall near the cave entrance is home to a colony of approximately 69,000 Tegenaria domestica (also known as the domestic house spider) and 42,000 Prinerigone vagans spiders. This is believed to be the first documented case of colonial web formation for both species.

Spider megacity

Researchers, including members of the Czech Speleological Society, were exploring sulfur caves in 2022 to survey underground wildlife. In one cavern, they found the huge spider megacity and reported it to other scientists, who made several site visits to learn more about the unusual colony.

The team identified the two species by running DNA tests and studying their morphology. Both are usually solitary, so finding them coexisting in a colony was a major surprise, as several researchers detail in a paper published in the journal Subterranean Biology.

To estimate the colony size, the study authors counted individual funnel webs in random sections and extrapolated the density. After measuring the length and width of the web-covered wall section, they calculated the surface area to be 106 square meters.