f13.net

Just got done watching a show about ants on the Discovery Channel, and apparently Australia has a species of ant called the bulldog ant that grows up to an inch and a half, is highly aggressive, has gigantic mandibles and a wasp-like stinger.  Oh, and their sting has about a 3% chance of producing anaphylactic shock and possibly killing you.

Let's see...  Brown snakes, funnel web spiders, sharks of every description, crocs, and now giant hyper-aggressive killer ants.  Why would anyone live in this god forsaken hell-hole?  Seriously?  Love you people, but that entire continent just needs a fresh coat of napalm to kill off the nasty shit that infests it.

They didn't choose to go there, they're all convicts.

We're also running out of water on the east coast, the several year drought is causing all kinds of hell for farmers all over the country, and we're in the PAL region. Honestly I don't really know why we live here. Possibly because there's way too much land to not stick a whole lot of buildings on it just 'cause we can. And yeah, England didn't want us anymore because we stole their bread. :heartbreak:


On the subject of bull ants those things are pretty nasty. We used to go to this park an hour or so from where I lived and us kids would sometimes just spend all day messing with them and freaking out when they got angry. From memory they sting quite a bit when they bite/sting if you were unlucky enough to be gotten by one.

Still sounds better than the South American ants that eat horses and shit.

I MIGHT be able to put up with so many poinsonous thingys, as long as they didn't get in the house, car or my shoes.  They also have some terribly cute animals that you can't find anywhere else.   I couldn't, however, put up with the time zone.  That would absolutely kill me.

You need to change your avatar back to boobies.

Seconded.


I'd actually like to visit Australia, it's on my list of countries I'd consider moving to.  But I'm staying the fuck away from the wild.  I'll cower in the cities, thank you very much.

Why do people live in California or Florida? I think you're all nuts. I laugh when people complain about the snow around here. I'll take snow over killer insect/reptiles/snakes, hurricanes, tornados, floods, earthquakes, riots, etc.

I've been thinking seriously about eventually moving to Hawaii a few years down the line.  Great weather, and as long as you build on high ground the tsunamis shouldn't be much of a problem.  Of course, the need to be lava-vigilant is there, but still, that sounds better than Michigan.

Australia's third world resource-based economy is unique among developed nations. It primarily exports commodities and raw materials and primarily imports manufactured goods rather than the other way round. That it has maintained a high standard of living is mostly a matter of high wages due to constant labor shortage because, as the thread title points out, nobody's in a hurry to move there. High wages inspire mechanization and modernization, like they have in western Europe and the USA, so it takes fewer people to do the same amount of work... and those people need to be supervisors and technicians rather than laborers, which requires a stable and effective education infrastructure.

Some of those skilled, educated first-world workers find that they're in demand in nicer places and leave the country.

On the positive side, unemployment can only be a threat when there are more people than jobs, so Australia has rates down around 2-3% on its northern and western shores and only reaches highs of 4% in the east. Speaking of which.. it's important to note that when Calanthus says "running out of water on the east coast" we non-Austrialians understand he means "running out of water in the only part of the continent which ever had much worth drinking anyway". As unattractive as Big Gulp might find Melbourne, I'll bet he'd find it a lot nicer than Darwin.

So why move to Australia? Cost of living is low, standard of living is high, and it's easy to find a job.

What about drop bears?

Marsupials Of Unusual Size? I don't believe they exist.

Your comments about bulldog ants reminded my of this Dave Berry article (http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/columnists/dave_barry/5776275.htm) from a few years back about the fire ants in Florida whose stings can also cause people to go into anaphylactic shock.

They inhabit four-ecks which I think is a slightly less inebriated country.

Sorry, but every poisonous snake, insect, and aquatic death machine cancels out 10 cuddly, cute animals.  Imagine this; I bring you a basket of koala bears, wombats, and baby kangaroos and tell you, "Cuddle all you want, they love people!  Oh, but somewhere in the basket is an agressive brown snake that is coiled and ready to strike.  Have fun.".  Now, granted, those cuddly creatures are great, but their charm doesn't make up for the fact that there is apparently a critter every square foot in Australia that will kill you dead.  Shit, even the sting rays are taking out their wrath nowadays.

Nope, we've got to destroy Australia (and hell, throw in NZ for good measure.  We'll lose what, 10 sheep or so?) to prevent it's evil from spreading to the rest of the world.

One thing I've always wanted to laugh at an American for, but always forget, is the big deal you guys seemingly make out of black widow spiders (we call them red back spiders). They're just spiders you can find in any old shed. I used to always hear about "black widow" this and "black widow" that on TV and I always thought it must be this huge black spider with massive fangs. When I found out what it was I was very disappointed in you all. :roll:

I don't see the problem. You just don't fuck with nature in Australia or nature fucks you back. Fair enough for me. Bu then I'm not that much of an outdoor person. If they manage to keep my bicyle courses poisonous-death-free they can kill off and feed on all the hikers and hunters they can find.

Pictures (http://travel.mongabay.com/australia/)

Like living in Hawaii, but with fewer tourists, more room, less lava, and much more reasonable living costs.  In exchange, you just don't fuck around in places where people don't belong.  I can handle that.

Still wanna visit, still considering moving there eventually.

Doesn't Australia have some pretty strict requirements for coming to their country to set up a residence?  This project manager where I work spent more than a year preparing to actually move there with his wife.

If you're under 30, speak English, and have professional qualifications of almost any sort, then not really. Aged 30-45, and you'll need to be on their 'in demand' profession list - which is quite a long list.

http://www.immi.gov.au/skilled/general-skilled-migration/136/eligibility-applicant.htm

My Father lives in Noosa Heads (Queensland, about 2 hrs north of Brisbane by car). I love it there but I do agree, as a North Amercian the number of things that can kill you in the wilderness is intimidating.

It's worth it though...

(http://www.tourismnoosa.com.au/welcome/welcome/nheads.jpg)

A co-worker of mine wanted to immigrate there, but couldn't scrounge up enough 'points'. He's moving to NZ instead.

Years ago someone I knew tried but was rejected because his brother didn't meet the health requirements, even though he wasn't going.

Edited for erroneous letter removal.

They're also here in SC.  There are several mounds in my yard I get to try and kill every summer.  While in middle school, I kneeled down to unlock my bike - with my knee going right into an ant hill.  Ate up most of my leg, got into my pants/shoe, etc.  They are not fun.  On the other hand, once you get used to looking for them, they're not much of a problem. 

Fire ants? Yeah we got them too: http://www.abc.net.au/news/features/stories/s382049.htm :P

I grew up with fire ants.  I assume ALL ants bite now because of it.  Those little buggers will get all over you quick and bite you all the way down.

Yeah Australia is way dangerous because we have ants and spiders. And snakes. I wake up each day thinking "if I happen to go out searching for as many dangerous native animals as I can find - and I'll probably have to get the car and drive for a few hours out into the country - and then eat/fight them all, then go hide under a log where no one can find me... well shit, I might die."

I suffer this every day. I think they call it "I'm american and I've never left the urban area I grew up in so I imagine the world is really different to what it actually is"-phobia.

I believe Australian is actually the/one of the most urbanized countries in the world. But hey. Those ants! Shit!

Just don't go in the middle bit. 

(the advert above is now one with a bunch of bugs on it.  I hate you guys)

Okay, I agree with you that these guys are overestimating how dangerous Australia really is, but weren't you just lecturing me about high pedestals over in the Anna Nicole thread?

I hear Hawaii has a roach problem.

Maybe I need to get the Marion avatar back.

Why? Would we still go out and invent smart-cluster-death-ray-bombs if it wasn't for or irrational fear of tiny little spiders? You Australians are all accepting of alien things that may potentially kill you. Americans? We believe in killing them. Twice. And then blowing up the crater.

Err, about 50190284 sheep actually. And you won't even lose any poisonous snakes, spiders or bugs. Though I think we may have one kind of poisonous spider which no-one has seen for 20 years.

I'm all for keeping these countries, TardKommando.  After all, my favourite rugby team is from NZ and I have a very, very SMALL soft soft for cricket so we really do need Australia.  But you post isn't helping our cause any!   :x

Everyone seem to be forgetting about the most dangerous of Australia's critters.  The roving bands of post-apocalyptic marauders.

I mean, I am all for fast cars and sawed off shotguns but I really don't want to have to fight off attacks on my way home after a hard day at work.  And besides?  Who can get laid wearing football pads outside your clothes?

(http://stuntrev.com/stuntawards/roadwarrior/warrior.jpg)

Has anyone ever noticed the same mutant-y looking bloke appears in ALL those sorts of films from Australia.  He's in some films from other countries, too.  He's almost always a mutant and riding a motor bike.  It's that man from Midnight Oil, isn't it?

(http://www.midnight-oil.info/images/peter-garrett-politician.jpg)

Ok, maybe you can hold off nuking us until after the Rugby World Cup then.

Also I always thought the Mad Max world wouldn't be a bad setting for a game license. With fuel being the 'currency' and only two guns in the second movie (Max's sawed off and the .357 of Humungous or whatever his name was.) The rest would be an eclectic mix of crossbows and homemade flamethrowers. Throw in a razor edged boomerang or two.

Geez.  I make more typos than King Typo of Typovania.

Given that, what is a "soft soft"?  My mind is in the gutter, of course.

It was supposed to be "soft spot."  Of course, when I ignore my typos, I get questions.  I should know better.  Anyway, what did you THINK a soft soft was?  Just curious.

Obviously it's related to your avatar.

Had a big fucking white-tail spider (http://www.amonline.net.au/factsheets/white_tailed_spider.htm) in the bedroom a few nights ago at 3am. Tore the room apart till the fucker was dead. Took about an hour or so.

I hate them.

Still, I'd rather live here in Melbourne than anywhere else in the world, for quality of life alone. (Despite being ripped off on everything from games to.. well, everything else.)

Peter Garret is a Politician! Which is rather amusing. It would be much cooler if he had been in Mad Max.

I had no idea, but I was hoping it was dirty.

He was always very political so nobody was really surprised down here.

Surprised, no not perhaps that. But amused, yes.

I live in Melbourne.

Hate to burst your bubble - but the full name for the one species of funnelweb spider is the Sydney Funnel Web.  No prizes for guessing why its called that - it can only be found in about a 100km range of Sydney.  Pretty much every kid has a few close encounter with funnelweb stories from growing up.  They normally come into homes either after heavy rain, or during the springtime mating season.

So staying in the cities aint gonna help ya.

Australia just seems like one big, giant version of Texas to me. I already live in Texas though..

Would really love to live in New Zealand. Either that or Argentina. Both countries seem to offer the entire range of geographical types.

I can handle a few arachnids.  I lived backing up to a mountain in Arizona, scorpions would visit at least once a week.

I just don't want dingos breaking into my house.

I lived in Sydney for about two years. The worst thing I saw was a redback in someone's back yard. When it rained a Hunstman might come indoors, they're big and scary but pretty much harmless. I did know someone who periodically had funnel web colonies in their yard, though they lived way the hell out west. I went into the Blue Mountains a few times and never saw anything nasty. Around Sydney the only bad things are the funnel webs, I can't vouch for the rest of the country though. I live in Arizona now and am more concerned with scorpions than I ever was with stuff in Sydney.

Plus they're good to have around if a wolf has eaten your grandma.

So that's another person to mark down on the "Lives in Arizona" list.

Wtf, Scorpions? Fuck that.

No, Peter Garrett from Midnight Oil is too busy pretending to support US bases in Australia (in line with party policy) after a music career of lyrics like "US forces, give the nod, it's a setback for your country (http://www.peace-not-war.org/Music/MidnightOil/)".

The tall, gangly guy you're thinking of has gotta be Bruce Spence (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0817748/). I said Bruce Spence (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruce_Spence). He was in all the Mad Max stuff and other weird movies.

(http://www.brucespence.com/Pictures/Mad%20Max/max_9.jpg)

(http://www.brucespence.com/Pictures/Mad%20Max/max_8.jpg)

No, it's not him.  It was some guy who had a bit part.  Just one of the baddies.  I've seen him, or people who look exactly like him, in several scary films.  He likes playing bikers, too.  He/they just look a lot like Midnight Oil Guy.  He was in the original The Hills Have Eyes.  I'm pretty sure there's more than one of him.  A whole tribe, maybe.

You're talking about Michael Berryman. He was in Weird Science too.

(http://www.hobbystar.com/comiccontoronto2006/images/06berryman2.jpg)

Okay.  There was an actor in Mad Max 2 who looked like that.  I've seen either him or his clones in loads of films, usually bit parts.  They're nearly always mutants.

I like the new avatard, Feet.

What else did she shave?

Peter Garrett's bonce, of course.

She will always be Feet!  There is no escape!

To be honest I'm not sure the snake would be my biggest concern. The fact that most Australian fauna is lazy, and generally couldn't be bothered to come over and give you a good clawing, doesn't mean it can't....

Wombats - "However, this lack of fear also means that they may display acts of aggression if provoked, or if they are simply in a bad mood. Its sheer weight makes a charging wombat capable of knocking an average-sized man over, and their sharp teeth and powerful jaws can result in severe wounds. The naturalist Harry Frauca once received a bite 2 cm deep into the flesh of his leg—through a rubber boot, trousers and thick woollen socks (Underhill, 1993). A young boy let into an enclosure unprotected to feed a wombat at a caravan park was charged, knocked over, and bitten and scratched all over."

"Kangaroos are shy and retiring by nature, and in normal circumstances present no threat to humans. Male kangaroos often "box" amongst each other, playfully, for dominance, or in competition for mates. The dexterity of their forepaws is utilised in both punching and grappling with the foe, but the real danger lies in a serious kick with the hindleg. The sharpened toenails can disembowel an opponent."

Of course with the Koala you'd have to wake the thing up first, and probably attach it to your face yourself.

So what you're saying is, "Australia; Even the cuddly bits will kill or maim you."

I like what Al Murray, Pub Landlord says when he discovers there are Australians in his audience: welcome back lahv, you've done your time, you've paid your debt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4-oR-l9pQQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4-oR-l9pQQ)

I will once again pipe in with my love for the west coast, or the Pacific Northwest as you 'mericans like to call it. Almost no dangerous spiders or snakes to speak of. If you go four hours inland and hit the Okanagan desert, you might find a rattler or the odd black widow if you look hard. Once in a blue moon you get a cougar attack on a kid up north or in the boonies.

Only dangerous animal in Vancouver is the odd mistreated Pitbull that was trained to guard a grow op. Or maybe a Black bear hiking up Grouse mountain, but to get attacked by one of those you have to do something really, really stupid.

Once attached however, they are much like a facehugger.












"They killed him taking it off..."

We don't got no Sydney Funnel Webs here in Melbourne.

They don't have them in Adelaide either, but fuck living in Adelaide.

How about in Kalangadoo? Doesn't matter, I just wanted to say Kalangadoo. I'll say it again. Kalangadoo.

Woomera.

I remember someone talking about Aussie movies once: "Wogga Wogga Hughes and the Sacred Bongawonga Tree".  :-D

To me, ridiculing the sound of Australian Aboriginal (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7cbkxn4G8U) names in that way isn't appropriate. When I was a kid, comedians could get laughs with "ching chong Chinaman", bone-nose "ooga booga" Pacific islander impressions, "mammy" with black facepaint, red Indians and "how". The sounds of different cultures were ridiculed because people didn't know enough to respect them.

Ah fuck, it's another opportunity to link Peter Garrett (there's even a crocodile): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7N5ZsCGjUz0

BTW in around 1990 I bootlegged that and more Oils stuff from TV on VHS tape and copied the sound to a cassette tape. The Oils in Central Australia was the ultimate music for me and my friends - we did voluntary work out there on an Aboriginal settlement, building kit homes, driving around in the same kind of vehicles on the same kind of red dirt roads, playing that music.

Identity politics, thankfully, is sooo 1990s.  I am relieved that "appropriateness" as a weasel-words way of criticising humour is on the retreat.

As a Scotsman, I hear plenty of drunkness humour, meanness allusions and kilt/skirt jokes.  I don't care!  I find lots of Scotsman humour very funny.  And I certainly don't feel threatened by the stuff that isn't funny.  I don't understand, though, why a person can tell a drunk Scotsman joke - God knows that there are enough of them - but not a drunk Aborigine joke (that would be professional suicide for most comedians).  Do people believe that Scots can stand up for themselves but that Aborigines somehow need protected from the big bad comics on account of some weakness?

What's it like around the Univ. of Western Australia? Probably taking a transfer to there when I finish here. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO ATTACH A KOALA TO MY FACE! OH GAWD!

Bunk - Certain people in Van are more dangerous than any animal could ever be.

I'm amazed that nobody has yet brought up the only feasible reason to move to Australia: Australian women.  A woman who grew up surrounded by poisonous creatures and has a voice with the nice twang of a British accent but without the snooty undertones?  Hell yes.

Nope.   Scotts are white.

And now the Australia thread travels to Politics.  Onward!

Not all Scots are white. Just saying. Indigenous peoples of Scotland, you say? Not rally a valid concept any time in recorded history.

Significant difference in mindset between us: to me, Scots are anyone who comes here and says they feel that they're Scottish.  Whatever colour, creed or place of origin.  And we all get to be the butt of the "you're mean" jokes.  It's just the price for the cool accent.  :-D

I don't think it is on the retreat. There is simply humour in toeing the line and even crossing it, or pretending not to have any respect, while actually having respect. Many people in the audience and on the Internet are mistaking this for a return to cultural disrespect.

But the buzzphrase "weasel words" is a crutch. If you don't like my word "appropriateness", you've a problem with my personal choice of words, not some kind of global 1990s movement. It looked to me like you were mimicking the sound of Aboriginal words without knowing what you were doing. It's not a major problem, it just gave me an opportunity to mention stuff I care about.


As a Scotsman myself - I was born and raised in Edinburgh before moving to Australia - I like and accept self-deprecating humour the same way. But the Scots have survived. And laughing at yourself is a quality. Whereas if you went back to when William Wallace has just been beheaded and the Londoners standing over him make a drunk Scotsman joke and roar with laughter, it's fucked up.

Australian Aboriginal people are still in a struggle for cultural survival. Alcoholism is one of the major problems in Aboriginal communities. The current government has put things back about 20 years by dismantling their political representation and community funding (there's an attitude that everyone should just have to integrate into white Australian culture). A white Aussie making a drunk Aborigine joke signals a right-wing political position.

Aboriginal humour itself is all about taking the piss and comedy set-ups for deep belly laughs. You get drunk Aborigine jokes and mimickry of fellow Aborigines. But at the same time, vicious racist jokes are rampant in white Australia - it's got elements of apartheid South African attitudes, except the black people are the minority here.

But the blackfellas (acceptable non-racist term) usually have the last laugh.


This kind of thing went on a lot. There are still places today called Goondoowindi, Coonowrin, Coonabarabran, Goonawarra, Coongulla, Goornong, Cunderdin, Goona Gully.

P.S. The comments about racist humour are in response to your mention of drunk Scotsman/Aborigine jokes - I don't think anything you said was racist at all, I'm just trying to detail some sensitive issues.

Fair enough on your points about the specifics of the Aborigine position: during the later years of the anti-apartheid struggle I was surprised that any attempt to raise Australian treatment of their own native population was consistently - and I mean this quite literally - shouted down.

As regards the wider issue of the retreat of identity politics in liberal thought: well, I suspect that if I start arguing, citing stuff and tempt you into replying then others will pile in and it will, indeed, be off to politics with a massive, predictable and regurgitated, right vs left argument.  Precis: identity politics is maintaining a position on the campus, but with increasingly illiberal legislation being promulgated, the importance of the defence of traditional western, liberal (not US "liberal") ideas about jury trial, habeus corpus, freedom of speech and presumption of innocence is increasing.

Or because it's funny if you're not an uptight cunt.
You know how to take the fun out of a joke. You do realize you can joke about things but have responsible views supporting freedom for all mankind, yes?

Cunts. Oh, how I hope that didn't offend any women in the audience. I must want all women in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant!  :roll: :cry: :|

On cultural issues, good comics will often do one of a few things; make fun of their own race/culture/group, make fun of someone else's and then have them turn the tables during the routine, or make fun of everyone, including themselves.  Bad comics will make fun of others to build up a sense of superiority within themselves / their audiance.   

Edit:  Look, the news goes and offers me a wonderful example of what I mean. (http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/04/08/imus.ap/index.html)

I'm sure Endie, Tale and Righ will be offended by the word "cunt"... because Scottish men are so sensitive in that respect, you know.

You're right.  I think Sacha Baron Cohen is a superb example of this: an idiot could watch Borat and just see someone making fun of illiberal post-Soviet successor states.  And on that level alone, it would probably be funny.  But when you watch him using that very humour to make fun of the prejudices of his American interlocutors, it's hilarious.  Getting an audience to laugh and to consider their own views is a rare trick.

And Signe's spot on.  As far as offensive terms for genitalia go in Scotland, "cunt" barely ranks in the top thirty or so.  It's just a term of endearment used, for example, when I phone my mum.

Bad comics are those that don't make you laugh. The material doesn't mean shit, it's all about the funny. That 'sense of superiority' is a crock of shit promulgated directly from your ass.

 :roll: :roll: :-P

Yes, yes I'm the bad insensitive guy. Boo hoo, I'll go whip myself in the corner now.

Next we'll discuss how many south africans can get 'african american' scholarships...

a) There are some people on the Scottish political scene who would agree with you when you say "Scotts [sic] are white."  I spend a lot of time arguing with these people, and am involved in a couple of organisations to counter such bigotry.  If you say it without qualification then yes, I'm going to argue.  If you meant something more complex or subtle than that then I apologise for the misunderstanding.

b) If you play the aggressive identity politics card then you're always going to be vulnerable to that sort of riposte.  Yours was a cheap, low blow ("What would you know, honkey-ass Jocko?") and nobody involved in political debate over the past decade or two has survived without knowing how to counter that sort of thing.  I just happen to believe what I said.  I'd guess that, given a moment, you'd probably agree, too: nationality and statehood have nothing to do with blood or soil.

c) As an aside, your quoting makes it look as if I was somehow managing to argue with Righ, which of course was anything but the case.

OK.  I'm Scottish.  This Thread took a retarded turn somewhere.

Seriously, it seems that we on f13 will fight about ANYTHING these days.  Yes, I'm including myself in the list of stupid people.

We gotta stop it.

Yes, Endie, I meant something completly different than a jab at Scotts, or that somehow there weren't any non-white Scotts.  It was a jab at the "omg you're white and a male, you should feel bad because of all this evil you've unleashed on the world" politics of the last 10-15 years.  See, it's ok to make fun of Scotts as drunks, because they're "white".  "White people are 'bad' so it's ok to mock and denigrate them."

Nothing I post in 'serious business' is ever completely serious.  It's at best a very, very dry or dark jab at something.  But of course now someone will come along and tell me that I'm wrong about the politics statement, blah blah blah.

It's a web board, stop taking it so seriously, have some joy, it's free.

Cool, but you should use more green if that's what you're doing.  My irony sensor is obviously only functioning at Utah levels.

And we're Scots.  Scotts are like him (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Falcon_Scott) or even, God forbid, him (http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Scott_Kurtz).

Of course, I disagree with this mightily, if I'm reading it right.

Come on.  Argue.  Fight about it.  You know you want to.  Give in to your aggression and your journey to the politics forum will be complete.

As someone who emigrated to the US during adolescense, I have some sense of what it takes to truely become 'nationalized' in a country you're not originally from. I think its all about the individual. Whereas I have clung to my European origins fiercely, despite having an American mother, I've met immigrants who shook off their old world heritage as quickly as they could and soon blended into American society far more succesfully than, I did, despite my mixed origin.

I've met Spanish immigrants to Germany who no longer speak a word of Spanish and have little to no sense of connection to Spain. On the other hand, just down the street from me in Seattle there are Chinese communities where folks live their whole lives within their cultural enclave and barely speak English.

I look at it like Prison :  If you haven't served your time here, you don't get to call yourself an ex-con.

You mean like this guy?

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=19901054