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"Trapped under a beam with the countdown ticking away, the monster just on the other side of the battered door, and my friends are trying to free me, I look up at them and yell, "Go on without me. I'll be alright. I'll hold him off while you escape!" And my friends, because they know my sacrifice won't be in vain, make their getaway and when the monster breaks through just as the explosives go off, I know I died saving the lives of my dearest friends."

That pretty much sums up my experience reading Aaron Rayburn's novel, THE SHADOW GOD. I took one for the team, so the rest of you would NEVER have to be subjected to this beast. I beg you, don't let my selflessness be for nothing. Heed my warning. This is the worst book ever written.

The back cover copy reads "Craig Johnson had two best friends, two caring parents, a hot girlfriend, and a nice truck--not bad for a twenty-year-old." Already we're in trouble. The author photo shows Rayburn in all his mid-20s virginal glory. Manson contacts, a black cap turned backwards with a red 666 monogrammed on it, he's posing next to what looks like a rubber demon. His bio includes the line "He also says that he owes a great deal of gratitude to the Devil . . . for filling his mind with such horrific images."

If this book is the most horrific thing the devil can come up, I think humanity is safe from the threat of hell.

There are so many things wrong with this book, I decided to keep notes so I could present them in an orderly fashion, with quotes to back me up. I don't want you to take my word for this novel's horridness, I'm going to let Rayburn speak for himself. We'll start with the plot.

Craig Johnson was cursed at birth when his parents left the town church led by the possibly-evil Father Spiers. Spiers then tricked Craig's father Matt into strangling him, only in the end, Matt had killed, not Father Spiers, but one of the doctors. So Matt's been in jail Craig's entire life. Shortly after Craig's 20th birthday he begins to notice a blue light emanating from his bedroom closet. He calls for his mommy (I'm not making that up, it's on page 14), but she doesn't see any light, so he plays it off like he'd seen a rat, and asks her to check in his closet. After she leaves, Craig is compelled to enter the light, which takes him to the Dark World, which is sometimes like a vast black void, paved of course cuz you have to have something to walk on in a void, and sometimes is like Craig's own neighborhood, complete with the houses of his friends. Those friends, Todd and Mark, are also pulled into the Dark World, but they make their escape and then begins the action as the three try to solve the mystery of the blue light and the dark world. To sum up--this book is 454 pages, okay?--Craig is the reincarnation of Abel, the Shadow God is Cain, and Father Spiers is Cain's acolyte, sent to prepare for his return to the real world. In the midst of all this Mark is killed and resurrected by Ridley, a club owner/satanist (he runs The Satanist Group Association. Again, I wish I was making this up!) and servant to Spiers and the Shadow God.

Craig's girlfriend, his mother, his father, as well as Mark's sister Margie and Todd's parents, are all killed and the cops think Craig did it. One cop does, anyway, Detective Jim Underwood, son of the doctor Craig's father Matt strangled to death 20 years earlier. DUN-DUN-DUN!!! There's a showdown where Craig is sucked into another portal to face Cain, who then becomes a dragon, and Todd jumps in to help his friend, they all die--except Craig--and we live happily ever after.

Okay, I know it doesn't seem THAT bad from the plot. But I haven't begun quoting yet. Mark Twain said, "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug."

Rayburn wasn't even close.

"Spiers's eyes popped extraneously from their sockets, as his face turned from a deep red to a sickly purple."

"Extraneous" means "irrelevant." I don't think that's what he meant. At least, I hope not.

Here's my favorite:

"The lamp's glow was very weak compared to the blue glow emancipating from the basement."

Emanating, Rayburn, EMANATING. When will people learn never to trust their SpellCheck without verifying it's the word they meant??? There are, in total, 11 instances of Rayburn using the wrong word, and believe me, each one is funnier than the last.

Okay, one more.

"It infiltrated his lungs, filling them with a kind of innovativeness he had never felt before."

To be honest, I don't know what word he meant, but I keep seeing Craig's lung filing patents for a dozen new inventions, getting promotions for discovering an even newer formula for Tide laundry detergent, or finding the cure for cancer.

Then there are the characters. Craig and his buddies are all 20, they're in college, and they have cars and money. Craig bribes the guard with hundred dollar bills when he's trying to get in to see his father in
prison. Yet never in the entire book do these men go to class, nor to a job. Where did Craig get his "nice truck"? His mother works "odd jobs", so I doubt she co-signed the loan.

And the dialogue. Oh dear, the dialogue.

"That's probably the fiercest dragon known to man," Craig tells Todd toward the end. Because, you know, we have so many different kinds of dragons in the world with which to compare.

Okay, so he uses the wrong word and his characters are morons. You can overlook a misused word here and LOTS of writers are horrible with characters. Hell, I'm guilty of this myself. But sometimes he just
plain gets his facts WRONG:

"The stranger was beastly in size with thick, bushy eyebrows, a prominent protruding forehead, and a thick, black coarse beard. His gait was that of a mammal--a Neanderthal."

I know I never went to college, but um . . . do you think Rayburn knows HUMAN BEINGS are mammals as well?

And later we learn that Cain and Abel were Neanderthals who lived in the stone age, feared dinosaurs, and that Cain was kicked out of the Garden of Eden for slaying his brother. Dude, Cain and Abel weren't born until a LONG time after Adam and Eve--the only two people who ever lived in the Garden of Eden--were kicked out.

And not only is this the worst book ever written, it's also the worst-written book ever.

Behold:

"Of all the things to think, he never thought he'd think that."

And:

"Already, he knew he wouldn't be able to do it. In fact, he KNEW he wouldn't."

???

Wasn't that already established in the previous sentence?

"Eubanks looked annoyed. He exhaled annoyingly and said..."

You know what? I could do this all night.

THE SHADOW GOD is the perfect example of everything that's wrong with publishing in today's world. Anyone with the notion--talent or not--can write a "book", then contact a place like AuthorHouse ("publisher" of this fine volume and, I'm sure, Rayburn's second novel which I don't care enough to look up the title to), and unleash this mess on an unsuspecting world. And then we wonder why no one reads anymore. Why should they? If this is the kind of stuff they're being subjected to.

Used to be a writer had to learn to WRITE before they could get published. Now, all you need is a couple thousand dollars and you got yourself a book. Talent? Who needs it? Skill? What for? Learning to write? Are you kidding me? Forget about it, I've got this here manyooscript and an address I can get it printed, I'mma be one of dem novelists. Riches, here I comes!!!

It's enough to make aspiring writers want to give up seeking legitimate publishing venues. Please don't. Just be sure to write better than this guy. God knows it won't be difficult. Or should I say, God knows it won't be deficit.

5.0 out of 5 stars  AWESOME, May 20, 2006
By    P. Holsinger (OH United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   
I got to read this book as it was being written and could not wait for the next chapter to be ready. It is an incredible story that keeps you wanting more with every page you read.

5.0 out of 5 stars Outstanding!!!, July 12, 2005
By    Craig Johnson "Craig" (California) - See all my reviews
fast-paced! A horrifyingly good read! It's about time someone claimed Stephen King's throne!!

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Attention to all you nerds who have suddenly plagued my page with insults and propaganda.

Cease posting your infantile words or i will be issuing permanent bans.

I have also made a record of all the email addresses sending me spam. It clearly states NO SPAM. Why do you send me crap? My inbox is cluttered with ****. So **** you.

Why do you insult my work? It has gotten good reviews. Alot of my friends have said it was suspenseful and had a good plot. A killer combination for a horror story.

I am a simple man, making a simple living, leave me alone, or devil karma will get you.

This is your final warning.

"Of all the things to think, he never thought he'd think that."

"Already, he knew he wouldn't be able to do it. In fact, he KNEW he wouldn't."

Everyone could do whatever they wanted: make movies, music, TV, etc. And since it was all free, and therefore was no was no way to make money on it, there was no industry to prevent crap from coming out. As a result, nothing was really worth watchin. And therefore nothing was worth doing.

Made me remember the absolute worst book I've ever read (http://www.amazon.com/Escape-Australwitz-Allan-W-Halligan/dp/1552127672). Someone gave it to me as a present. Never got to ask him why before he died.

Morte says:
Can we get a novelization of this review instead?

37 of 38 people think this post adds to the discussion.

Douglas Mcauliffe says:
I agree with Morte, a novel about the reviewer struggling to read this profane script would could be magnificent. Best done in the style of Lovecraft... Or perhaps Howard, if the reviewer has to fight the book in blood-soaked single combat.

13 of 14 people think this post adds to the discussion.

[Admin] Aaron

Jun 11th, 2008 - 10:12 PM    Re: Your reviews lie

You have all recieved youre last warning. I am in the process of currently tracking all of youre ips and pinging your home adressess. you should not have commencemed a war with me

I think Phildo has offered to purchase and read it for us.

I pity him already.

I don't support giving this igit any money.  But if you could steal a copy, that would be okay.

I love that quote so much I am keeping it for posterity where others can see it and admire its beauty, in my sig.

Get thee to a library, stat.

      Lightning stabbed aimlessly at the earth as Victor McCullough peered outside his huge, bay
window -- the only window in the entire house.

       Victor had designed the house with only one window because he said windows of a house
were the eyes to its soul and he felt that a house had too many outlets to other worlds. And he
made sure his house was different. He felt his house didn't need to see any further into other
worlds than it already could with the one window. He and his window spent many days and
nights in the Study, gazing out at the Pacific Ocean.

     The blissful view overlooked an expanse of land which Victor had inherited and turned into
his very own golf course.

Ed Wood has come back to haunt us.

22 Tails of Suspence and Terror...

The Devil's Children
by
Aaron Rayburn

Sigged for posterior?

I've never tried pirating a book before, so if someone can find a copy for me

I've never tried pirating a book before, so if someone can find a copy for me, I will in fact read it.  And hate you all.  But I'll try and pick out some more choice morsels.

I'll also see if it's available at any of the bookstores near me.  For research?

Gorgothica is...
the darkest recess of our minds where thoughts and images of the grotesque, evil and morbid reside; A part of every mind in which creative genius of horror emanates.

You take that back, damn you! Ed was a saint.

Man this thread is too good. Seriously someone has to get more quotes from that damn book.

It's leading you to the edge of the world, Craig. Stop now before you fall into the pits of hell.

I believe I am already there, he thought morbidly. Craig held his hands to his ears to block the freezing wind and shut out the voices in his head. He couldn't take anymore of it. The exposed skin of his body ached from the biting wind. He wondered when the inhumanity was going to stop.

Not until your dead, Craig! NOT UNTIL YOU'RE DEAD!

Just then, Craig screamed at the top of his lungs. He screamed for perhaps a full minute, driving all his inner voices away.

He stopped abruptly, letting his head swim a little. After a moment, he opened his eyes and peered into the mystic black. Far off into the distance, there was a tiny speck of light. Craig's bloodshot, cold, gray eyes stared fixedly on the seemingly distant star. "Holy fuck," he muttered.

Holy fuck was right. Craig was appalled that he was actually seeing something. His fear of blindness was temporarily over. He hollered into the vast darkness. The chilling breeze died instantly and the distant speck of light wavered like a twinkling star.

Craig looked around himself through the darkness. There was only the lonely speck far off into the distance. He began to walk toward it. Whatever it was, it was something. And in this world, that was definitely something to give full attention to. Craig's curiosity got the better of him and before he knew it, he was sprinting as fast as he could toward the glowing light.

Maybe it was a way out, he thought known people who had talked about the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe this was a very large tunnel and that speck was the light at the end of it. He could only pray harder that it was.
As Craig got nearer and nearer, he saw that the speck of light was a large ball of fire, lazily drifting in the middle of the air.

"What the hell?" he muttered. He drifted closer, feeling a tinge of heat for the first time. It felt so good. He wondered if the fireball was dangerous. It almost had to be if it existed in this world, didn't it? Craig was almost sure that nothing good could ever come from this world.

"Hello?" Craig said tentatively.

The orange ball of flame flickered soundlessly in the pitch black of the Dark World. It cast odd orange light on the concrete below.

It's a ghost, Craig's mind screamed. It is a lost soul who has been trapped here.... just like you.
Craig refused to believe that. Though it was a ball of fire precariously floating in the middle of the air, Craig had to accept it because it was there in front of him. He was seeing it with his very own eyes. Still, his mind planted that seed of doubt.

"Who are you?" Craig asked.

The flaming sphere flickered, then a change began. The flame dulled from the bright orange to a glowing azure. Suddenly, it began to sprout limbs. It's changing into a monster.

Craig's mind yelled at him to run, but he stood still, unable to move, watching the glowing transformation. Even if he did run, again, where would he go?

The burning, blue fire was transforming into a figure. Craig starred transfixed as the object propagated a head. The head stretched the taunt skin of its shoulders as it came up and out. It was bald with dominant features, short horns where its ears should have been, and piercing, black eyes, and a large flat nose. It growled softly, lifting up its arms.
It is a demon, Craig thought on the verge of fainting. His mouth suddenly went dry and he trembled, fear building inside him to a near hysteria.

The demon floated several feet into the air, shining radiantly with that ominous, blue light Craig had seen in his bedroom. Suddenly, the demon stopped growling and craned its neck toward Craig.

The demon floated several feet into the air, shining radiantly with that ominous, blue light Craig had seen in his bedroom. Suddenly, the demon stopped growling and craned its neck toward Craig.

Craig held his hands to his ears to block the freezing wind and shut out the voices in his head.

Craig was appalled that he was actually seeing something. His fear of blindness was temporarily over.

Whatever it was, it was something. And in this world, that was definitely something to give full attention to.

He wondered if the fireball was dangerous.

Though it was a ball of fire precariously floating in the middle of the air, Craig had to accept it because it was there in front of him. He was seeing it with his very own eyes. Still, his mind planted that seed of doubt.

The burning, blue fire was transforming into a figure. Craig starred transfixed as the object propagated a head.

The demon floated several feet into the air, shining radiantly..

Believe me, if it weren't for editors, we would never have heard of writers like Stephen King, Tom Clancy and John Grisham.

That writing makes me feel so much better about myself.

I thought you were pro the editing process?  Talk about being out of context with the surrounding sentences.

It may not have been fair to include King with Grisham and Clancy.  King has shown the ability to move outside of his genre and has produced some genuinely great works despite his pulp fiction.  Misery stands out in my mind.

Grisham is a guilty pleasure of mine (well, guilty pleasure when traveling...since I seem to not read anything of his otherwise). The plots are entertaining, if you like Po' Country Lawyer stuff. Not much there, as far as writing goes though, so I agree.

I've never been able to finish a King novel. Very difficult to follow for me. He's the king of tangents. And even if they aren't tangents, and that there's some way it'll all make sense eventually, I simply stop giving a shit.

Shining radiantly is redundant.  Radiant literally means shining.

Ooo! New MMO Matrial Arts game from Korea: Shining Radiant Path Of Divinely Forceful Emanations!

Or maybe its a new Kung-fu cereal. I can't tell.

You need to expand that statement if you want me to fully understand your objection.

Shit edited is still shit. You must hate editors if you'd want to labour them with such a horrible task. Things this bad get dumped in the wastebin.