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Author Topic: A Noob's Tale: Wherein I Die Playing DayZ  (Read 5138 times)
CmdrSlack
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on: June 22, 2012, 01:31:01 AM

This will by no means be even as awesome as Surli's version. However, you get to amuse yourself by reading my accounts of slamming my dick in the drawer a.k.a. trying to learn the game just after having your noob weapon revoked.

With a starter weapon, this was me figuring out DayZ:

Using X still made me really noisy. Or maybe it was just me. This is the same play session where my daughter woke up, came shambling into the living room, made a general "Uhrrrr" sound, and I screamed like a little girl.

After several abortive attempts, here's tonight's results.

I spend 30 mins trying to find a server with daylight. Many of the Russian servers kicked me for having too high of a ping.

I initially spawn at "quarry." I find it on my map, turn on my flashlight, and then lose connection. I relog, flashlight no worky. (I assume that pressing "L" is the button). Sooner or later, after trying many servers, I choose to respawn.

I spawn between two small ports. I sprint to the trees, ditch the odd zed on the way, then come up on Bor. I head the direction that I think is right for finding a deer stand. I find a house. I loot some ammo, several bandages, and some soda. Still no weapon for me.

I cut back around Bor and, after yakkety saxing some zeds out of LOS, I stumble upon a deer stand. It is empty. I log out in the tree stand because I am hoping for a less shitty result in the AM before I have to hit work.

I traded in my fun blog for several legal blogs. Or, "blawgs," as the cutesy attorney blawgosphere likes to call 'em.
CmdrSlack
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Reply #1 on: June 22, 2012, 01:30:52 PM

Spare time before work. I have so missed my flashlight.

Log in on an East Coast server -- black as pitch. Watch says 11:30. Not sure what's going on with that. Tree stand does, however contain a smoke grenade. I find it after turning on my flashlight. For some reason, I can't turn the damn thing off. The flashlight will also refuse to turn on at times. It's pretty much useless and only works when it wants to. I name it after my boss.

I log out and into a Chicago server. Ammo in the deer stand. No weapons. Fortunately, my best, yellow friend, Managing Partner, is still with me.

It occurs to me that a) I have no real time to get myself killed or find a weapon outside this deer stand; b) I like the deer stand and its majestic view of Bor; and c) I can probably log into several servers before leaving for work and see what has spawned in other, extra-dimensional tree stands. After several relogs, I still have no weapon. I do have assorted ammo, the smoke grenade, and a heat pack.

At least I still have Managing Partner.

I traded in my fun blog for several legal blogs. Or, "blawgs," as the cutesy attorney blawgosphere likes to call 'em.
Paelos
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Posts: 27075

Error 404: Title not found.


Reply #2 on: June 22, 2012, 01:51:36 PM

I like it. You've wandered into a deer stand with a tempremental flashlight. What could go wrong?

CPA, CFO, Sports Fan, Game when I have the time
Surlyboi
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Posts: 10568

eat a bag of dicks


Reply #3 on: June 22, 2012, 11:16:23 PM

Yes, managing partner is rather like most managing partners. Completely unreliable and capable of getting your shit fucked up in seconds.

Tuned in, immediately get to watch cringey Ubisoft talking head offering her deepest sympathies to the families impacted by the Orlando shooting while flanked by a man in a giraffe suit and some sort of "horrifically garish neon costumes through the ages" exhibit or something.  We need to stop this fucking planet right now and sort some shit out. -Kail
CmdrSlack
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Reply #4 on: June 23, 2012, 11:57:33 AM

Day 1 -- Back in the deer stand outside Bor. There is an AKM here now. Hurrah. There's a mag for an M16. Fuck. Managing Partner now has a new, equally useless friend. I name him Process Management Consultant. I notice a lootable house down the hill from the deer stand. My hunger and thirst are off the charts. I drink a Pepsi. Just one Pepsi.

My run down to the house is successful. I find a water bottle. I find more ammo that I can't use, but take anyway. I find more bandages. I think I'm up to 6 or 7 of them. I skirt around the outside of Bor, but don't readily notice enterable buildings. So I head away from Bor, across a huge field towards the treeline. So far so good. Hunger meter is becoming more insistent. Sooner or later, the wilderness gives way to a town with a church. I pop a smoke grenade and toss it to draw off most of the Zeds in this part of the town. A quick crouch run later, I'm in front of the church. This one cannot be entered. It appears there's not a single enterable building in the entire fucking place. Then a zed notices me. I run it through town, gathering an impressive train. I find ONE building that can be entered. It's one of those storage sheds with two doors. I sprint through, see that it's empty, keep going. About two second later, I am face down in some bushes while the zeds lose interest and walk away.

I really need some food. And ammo. Or a Lee Enfield, Makarov, 12 gauge, or M16. Anything that will kill zombies would be great.

I start following power lines towards what I assume is another town. Back at the coast. Man, it'd be great to know where the hell I am. I find an enterable building on the edge of this coastal town. Inside, moar bandages. Most importantly, tasty tasty beans. I eat the beans and ponder whether Rocket will code in some kind of farting side effect that will attract zeds. With no idea where I am, I decide to camp in the house. Tomorrow, I'll figure out where the heck I am.

There has to be the right combo of ammo + gun somewhere, right?

I traded in my fun blog for several legal blogs. Or, "blawgs," as the cutesy attorney blawgosphere likes to call 'em.
CmdrSlack
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Posts: 4388


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Reply #5 on: June 23, 2012, 12:37:33 PM

Looking at this DayZ map that BW linked in the discussion thread, I think that I managed to find Pavlovo and then ended up in Kamenka. If so, I am going to make a trip north to the supermarket. Looks like there are some deer stands on the way.

I traded in my fun blog for several legal blogs. Or, "blawgs," as the cutesy attorney blawgosphere likes to call 'em.
Muffled
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Posts: 257


Reply #6 on: June 24, 2012, 12:32:42 AM

If you see any barns on the way in they are excellent places to pick up a shotgun of the double-barreled or 1866 variety, or a crossbow if you can stand the ammo restrictions on them.  Assuming you're comfortable sneaking past the half dozen zombies that hang out by barns, that is.
CmdrSlack
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Reply #7 on: June 24, 2012, 11:35:34 AM

Day 2

So I was right I managed to end up on the western edge of Kramenka.

The house has no food and my hunger meter is terribad again. With Managing Partner and Process Management Consultant in tow, I head to the north side of town, avoiding some Zeus along the way. At the northern edge of town are two lootable houses. I enter the first one. No food. I can hear the buzzing of flies. I exit the house and skirt around back. My finger slips and my crouch turns to a full stand, alerting a zombie. I know this due to sudden blood loss.

I run. North, into the woods, I run. 4k blood later, I find a rock to circle and lose the zed. I bandage. Oh fuck. So much for losing the zed. I lose him again, now just shy of 7k blood left. This time, my running got me to one of the three tree stands on the road to Pavlovo. Loads of ammo. For a shotgun. I hear another body. I spend several minutes searching in circles from the deer stand. Nothing. Back into the stand. I have shit to get done and it is as good of a place as any to log off and plot my route to the farm and the supermarket, both north of Pavlovo. I plan to skirt way the fuck around Pavlovo. That place sucks.

I traded in my fun blog for several legal blogs. Or, "blawgs," as the cutesy attorney blawgosphere likes to call 'em.
CmdrSlack
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Posts: 4388


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Reply #8 on: June 24, 2012, 12:28:37 PM

Day 2, part 2

Back in the tree stand. Different server. The Chicago servers are mostly high population and I prefer regular servers for 3rd person view. Rolling while prone is more fun. Given that I lack a headset beyond the one that came with SOCOM, I tend to say, "Whee!" when I do this. On a previous character, I spawned in "wilderness." My daughter and I had great fun rolling down hills. Then we logged out and went outside and rolled down real hills. But I digress.

This particular server is the Chicago White Nation server.  ACK! Nazi Zeds fuck off.

I have that red broken chain on my screen. But what is this in the deer stand?

Holy shit, an M1014. 8 slugs. Red chain, which I assume means shitty connection, still there. Fuck it.

I loot the shotgun, ditch my Stanag mag and the Enfield ammo. I give Process Management Consultant his walking papers. I keep my 3 clips of Makarov ammo. I need to keep Managing Partner on his toes.

Thing is, the red chain persists.

I log out of the server. I find one set to Regular. Log in. Wait forever. Spawn.

I still have the M1014. Fuck yeah. Gotta run errands and wash the car. Wait, 3 boxes of painkillers and a road flare? Yes, please.

Hunger meter is still le pissed. I need to finish my bullshit before I am forced to play on a high ping server just to have daylight.

Next order of business: Zelenogorsk supermarket.

I am rolling with Jello Biafra. There will be beans.

I traded in my fun blog for several legal blogs. Or, "blawgs," as the cutesy attorney blawgosphere likes to call 'em.
Paelos
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Posts: 27075

Error 404: Title not found.


Reply #9 on: June 24, 2012, 02:31:52 PM

On a previous character, I spawned in "wilderness." My daughter and I had great fun rolling down hills. Then we logged out and went outside and rolled down real hills. But I digress.

I would like to point out that this is adorable.

Carry on.

CPA, CFO, Sports Fan, Game when I have the time
CmdrSlack
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Reply #10 on: June 24, 2012, 06:18:30 PM

Molly is my copilot.

Jello, Managing Partner and I are heading north with no delay.

I am not used to having a gun and accidentally squeeze off a round. Out of nowhere, a zed is on me. It takes me several rounds to hit it. #fail.

Molly is screeching at me to shoot the zed. She then backs it up with, "Nice job, dad. You finally got it."

By my reckoning, we are close to the supermarket. This is good. I have 1 slug left and 8 pellet rounds after that. I can almost taste the beans.

I traded in my fun blog for several legal blogs. Or, "blawgs," as the cutesy attorney blawgosphere likes to call 'em.
Surlyboi
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Posts: 10568

eat a bag of dicks


Reply #11 on: June 24, 2012, 07:00:06 PM

Molly is my copilot.

I approve wholeheartedly.

Tuned in, immediately get to watch cringey Ubisoft talking head offering her deepest sympathies to the families impacted by the Orlando shooting while flanked by a man in a giraffe suit and some sort of "horrifically garish neon costumes through the ages" exhibit or something.  We need to stop this fucking planet right now and sort some shit out. -Kail
CmdrSlack
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Reply #12 on: June 25, 2012, 09:44:30 AM

Day 3.

I spend the day skulking along the road. I'm pretty sure that I'm headed north. Then, not so sure. It's rainy, so the sun is not an option. I finally determine (thanks to a road sign) that I am travelling the wrong way. I turn around. Pass up Pavlovo again. I find two enterable buildings that are across the road from each other. Most of the zeds are near the edges of the area. I try to toss a flare, but it would appear that flares are only awesome at night and not in the rain.

I crawl to the first building, loud zombie sounds nearby. Ah. He's in the building. Instead of being smart and bringing up iron sights, I waste a few rounds shooting it. I take down one that runs in after the sound of the shots. The third one kills me as I am now out of ammo and trapped in a building with only one exit.

I made several key mistakes on that little run. First mistake was not using iron sights when I had to shoot. The second was not crossing the street to the building with a front and back door to handle the zombies from there. At least then I'd have had an escape route. The biggest was ignoring my gut and investigating the area. I was pretty sure that the loot in those buildings would be shit, but I still had to go look. That was dumb.

I traded in my fun blog for several legal blogs. Or, "blawgs," as the cutesy attorney blawgosphere likes to call 'em.
CmdrSlack
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Reply #13 on: July 15, 2012, 03:27:48 PM

Latest playthrough:

I spawn on an island off the coast of Kamyshovo. After scouting around, I realize that I'm off the coast of Otmel. It has a reasonably good boathouse. At least, that's what the map on my deus ex iPadina tells me.

It turns out that walking the tiny plank bridge to the building is a pain. I get it done. No nearby zeds. Inside the building, I discover . . . nothing. Not a single spawn appears to be populated. I climb the ladder, check the loft, climb back down, and promptly fall into the water. Then I see it: every fucking spawn in this place is on the under-side of the floor.

I try to loot a pile, but cannot target it. Suddenly, a zed stumbles down into the water towards me. I skirt around, get back on shore, and back over the plank bridge. The zed now has friends, but they're all in the water.

After some creeping around and aiming my view, I discover that the loot piles can be looted from this side of the floor. I leave with two cans of sardines, soda, a frag grenade, some shotgun slugs, and a hunting knife.

I then trek up to the deer stand above Kamyshovo. M1014. Nice. The kid needs me. I log out.

Log back in on a different server (cheap, but hey) and find a slightly larger pack with an AK74 Kobra in the stand. I juggle gear and keep both guns.

A quick jog up to Rog nets me some bandages, a water bottle, matches, and a watch. I decide to test out filling the water bottle at a pond/lake. I have several sodas and a full water bottle at this point. There is no reason for me to do this task. I do it anyway.

I fuck up navigating and end up at the lake west of Dobryy. You know, just north of the Elektro power plant. I start to hear bullets whizzing by me at the edge of the lake.

I crouch run to the other side of the road, up the hill towards the treeline. Instead of just getting into the trees and then sprinting, I turn to see if I can figure out where the gunfire is coming from.

And then I'm dead in two shots.


I traded in my fun blog for several legal blogs. Or, "blawgs," as the cutesy attorney blawgosphere likes to call 'em.
Kageru
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Reply #14 on: July 16, 2012, 06:33:11 AM

I fuck up navigating and end up at the lake west of Dobryy. You know, just north of the Elektro power plant. I start to hear bullets whizzing by me at the edge of the lake.

I crouch run to the other side of the road, up the hill towards the treeline. Instead of just getting into the trees and then sprinting, I turn to see if I can figure out where the gunfire is coming from.

And then I'm dead in two shots.

This is always how I assumed my game would end, but the tedium of hugging tree's and crawling around won out first.

Is a man not entitled to the hurf of his durf?
- Simond
Slayerik
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Victim: Sirius Maximus


Reply #15 on: July 19, 2012, 10:41:03 AM

I'm going to piggy-back on this thread with some of my own experiences in Day-Z

Day 0 - Some Shit Town on the Coast

I awaken with a throbbing headache, laying on a cold beach in Russia. That was one hell of a bachelor party! I reluctantly climb to my feet, brushing the sand off my mouth when I come to the realization the someone has played a horrible joke on me. Questions begin to flood my mind. What happened last night? Why am I alone, with only a backpack and my trusty ball cap on? Where the fuck am I?

Next to a light house on the coast. That much I sort out. I climb to the top of the lighthouse to get my bearings, and see a small town down the coast.

Well, guess it's time to hoof it. I walk on the side of the road, each step a nail pounding into my head, but something else just isn't right. There is no traffic. WTF is going on here? As I approach the town, it is eerily quiet. I notice a person crawling aimlessly along the ground. What is he doing? Where is half of his head?Huh? Jesus fuckin' christ, there are more like him. It's a goddamn zombie village. WOODS, NOW.

I do my best to be quiet as I make my way up the hill. The hangover now obliterated by adrenaline, I stick to the outskirts of town. There are no people anywhere. This has got to be a nightmare.

Pinch.

Nope. Just me and these mindless creatures. Time to get outta here and find another town and get some help. I stick to the woods along the coastal road, doing my best to keep an eye out for anything...living or undead. The next town is more of the same. I have to find some supplies. I check some houses along the outskirts of town and find some pepsi and bandages. Beats nothing, I guess. Hey a road flare.....Great! During my search of a shed, I hear a bone-chilling shriek. AHH! Fuck, they are fast. It just gashed the shit outta my arm! RUN SLAY! Oh god, fuck...it's after me. And it's fast for as bad as it looks. I run as hard as I can, blood spraying from the deep gash. I zig zag through some trees and eventually lose him. I run and run, not taking any chances.

Christ, I'm still bleeding. I patch myself up with one of the bandages...drink my pepsi, and decide I'm going to kill every last motherfucking one of these bastards.


I know now that I need a weapon. But I'm scared shitless of these things. I stick to my plan of following the coast, in the cover of woods. I'm a little woozy from the blood I lost, but it's no time to be a pussy. Find a weapon, something.

Along the coast, I stumble upon a couple large hangers at what looks to be the remains of a military airbase. My hopes of refuge are quickly dashed upon by the wandering zombies. I know I have to get there. Military bases have a lot of two things. Republicans and guns. This is one time I'd take a bunch of the former! The latter may be just as good. I follow the treeline as far as it will take me, surprisingly I don't seem to stir up any trouble. I army crawl the rest of the way to a building beside the hangars. The sound of flies overtakes the distant moans of the undead, and I see my first dead dead person. I briefly pause before rifling through his possessions. An Ax. Fuck yes. A can of pasta and pistol magazine are quickly thrown in my pack. No gun, but oh well! I head to the stairs and get to the 2nd story...and there she is. An AKM. She is beautiful. Then I realize, I can't handle a large axe and an assault rifle. But, the rifle has no ammo. Bone ass dry. Decision time. An ax that can kill things now, or an AK that can REALLY kill shit later. I chose the AK.

I head out after a thorough search of the building, confident I can avoid these zombies long enough to find some ammo. Then I'll fuck them up. Bad plan. As I scurry through the hangars one of the bastards notices me. He claws me pretty good, and I am forced to run back to the ax. After fumbling around for a minute, I get my wits about me and cleave the head sheer off the beast. And I'm bleeding again. Patch patch. I'm not feeling so hot.....

I systematically ax murder every undead fucker in the area, and finish my search...I find probably three clips of AK ammo....but 5.56, not the large 7.62 that the AKM uses. Eventually I find it in an industrial shed...an AKM clip. I load the gorgeous rifle, and now it's time to hunt.

I notice what seems to be medical tents towards the sound of the coast. I need help. I've lost a lot of blood.  I notice some zombies hanging around... CRACK CRACK CRACK. No more zombies. I climb up the military guard posts, finding an AK kobra. Since I have no idea the difference, I decided to leave that one there as it had smaller rounds than my 7.62. If I need it, I'll come back.

Turns out zombies don't much like the sound of gunfire. I keep dropping them, but more keep coming. Another one claws me, and I'm bleeding out again. This is it. This is how it ends. A pile of zombies and an empty AKM. Farewell cruel zombie world.



"I have more qualifications than Jesus and earn more than this whole board put together.  My ego is huge and my modesty non-existant." -Ironwood
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