f13.net General Forums => The f13 Radicalthon => Topic started by: Paelos on July 25, 2011, 01:03:42 PM

Title: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: Paelos on July 25, 2011, 01:03:42 PM
Our reluctant hero, Tyrox, returns to face off against all the horrors in the plane of Oblivion. In this edition he will follow the main quest while giving you pictures and commentary the entire way. Here's a starter pic with class and race info. Let's begin!


It all started when I inherited that castle in the middle of nowhere, from a jackass uncle I'd thought was already long dead. You see, you have two choices when you are a kid from Skingrad that learns he can set fire to things with his mind. You either join the mages guild and follow the rules, or you hit the road and try to live free doing whatever you can to survive. I chose the latter. I've robbed and I've killed when someone wouldn't listen to reason. I make no apologies for either.

On highways, I'm known as a Nightblade. Think of me as a cross between a mage and an assassin. Unfortunately I'm too much of a renegade for the Mages, and I'm too sane to join the Dark Brotherhood. That left me to fend for myself. However, when I heard from one of the passing travelers that my uncle was dead and left everything to any relatives that could claim his fortune, I leapt at the opportunity. I also may have made sure no other cousins of mine could show up to make similar claims. That's neither here nor there. The point is, that castle was mine.

Things are never that simple though, especially when you enjoy drinking in taverns. On my way to the Imperial City, after taking care of some unpleasant business I won't go into, I stopped into an inn just outside of Bravil. I wanted to celebrate my good luck and inheritance. Big mistake as it turns out. I got wicked drunk, had a run in with some retarded Nord that insulted my family, and he hit me over the head with a chair.

Now, I really blame the Nord for the next part. He managed to hit me just hard enough to knock me loopy, but not hard enough to knock me out. When you do that to someone that can spit fire from his fingertips, bad things happen. Long story short, I tossed out fire like a drunken dragon and burned the entire inn to the ground. Nobody died, but the guards still toted me to the Imperial prisons and tossed my Breton ass in the slammer. That's where my rise to fame started, although all I ever wanted was to get my papers on my new abode. Oh, did I not mention it before? Yeah, I'm the guy who saved Tamriel from Oblivion.

When you're stuck in prison, there's fuckall to do except sleep and beat off. My record is 11 times in one day. I could have done better, but there was this stupid Dunmer in the next cell that kept ruining the romantic mood. If you can best that record, send me a letter and I'll mail you a plaque that says you have too much time on your hands. Hur-hur. Anyway, I was there for about two weeks after I set the inn on fire. To be fair, I always thought I'd end up in prison, but this was a really pussy way to do it. I mean, arson? That's pitiful. I've done much worse that I have no intention of confessing to. It's like Marlon the Beheader ending up in prison for stealing from the collection plate. Lame.

So, two weeks in and I'm beyond bored. That's when I hear the guards coming down the stairs talking all hushed and serious. Never, ever a good sign when that happens. Who should show up with them but the Emperor himself! I'm thinking, wow, that's great service that he would come all the way down here to the cells to sign my papers personally. That's how delusional I was at that point. Prison does that to a man. Along with many other things if you have a cell mate. I didn't, luckily.

The guards stop and get all pissy that I'm in the cell. It should have been empty, they think. I love disappointing guards, even unintentionally. They tell me to stay in the back and shut up. That's when they unlock my cage and the Emperor strolls in like he owns the place. Probably because he owns the country. He looks me up and down and stops. He says he's seen me in his dreams. Uh-oh, I think. Just when I was about to avoid the whole cell-mate issue, I'm about to get a truly royal pounding.

It turns out that's not what he meant. He tells me that I'm the chosen one to save this land, and that he doesn't have much time left. The Nine have a plan for me. I tell him if he would just sign my papers, I plan to be drinking Surilie Brothers wine by the barrel on top of my newly furnished tower. He shrugs and says we cannot change our fate, and then opens a passage in my wall. Are you fucking kidding me? There was a secret door in this place the whole time? God I should have spent less time rubbing one out and spent more time rubbing the walls.

He leaves through the passage and the guards tell me to fuck off and not follow them. Of course, being me, I follow them. We go through some twists and turns in the dark before I catch up to them. I'm pretty sneaky so they don't notice. That's when they get jumped by  three dudes wearing some demonic armor and these blood red robes. They cut down the captain and try to go after the other two guards. I jump out of the shadows and set one of them on fire. Why? I figure if I can save the Emperor's life, I might get those documents signed.

The guards are not impressed and tell me to get lost. They go through some gate and lock me out. See, this is why I hate guards. No matter what you do, you're always a convict to them. They are totally obtuse. I'm not so easily deterred, though. I grab the weapons and robes off the dead men and head through a hole in the side wall. I manage to battle through a side passage of the sewers, setting rats on fire the entire way. It wasn't pretty. I resolved that the first thing I was going to do when I got out was take a bath in rose water while a high elf chick massaged my back. I think the fumes were getting to me.

For a second time, I catch up to the Emperor's parade route, and for a second time he gets jumped by those blood red assholes. Once again, I jump out from the shadows to light up a couple of them. Shockingly the guards are even more pissed and threaten to run me through, until the Emperor stops them. Finally, a man with some sense. I can see now why he runs this country. He says that I should follow them and he will grant me a pardon. SCORE! Off we go. Suck on that you Imperial assholes.

More twists and turns. If this is an escape route, not only is it too long, but it's covered in those dudes you're trying to avoid. I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's pretty terrible. Oh and then we run into a section where one of the doors is locked and we've hit a dead end. Yeah, it's been upgraded to the worst escape route ever. So while the guards are dealing with our fourth wave of attacks, the Emperor confides in me that he's about to die. He pushes a necklace into my hands and tells me I have to meet up with Jauffrey at this monastery in the middle of nowhere. He will give me my pardon and tell me what to do. I'm confused, but just then one of these red cloaked jerkoffs comes out of the wall and puts a knife right in the Emperor's back. I manage to fend him off, but the Emperor's a goner. That was...creepy to say the least.

The guards come back and see me standing over a dead royal holding a necklace with blood on my sword. If it wasn't for the fact that I hadn't saved them twice already, I'm pretty sure that would have been the end of me right there. However, they believed my story that I had to go visit a monk to deliver this piece of property I've obviously stolen. Hell, I don't even believe my story, but these guards do. Like I said before, guards are idiots. I leave out the back of the sewer grates and taste my first breath of fresh air in a fortnight. It smells like shit, but I'm standing in a sewer pipe. Things can only go up from here.

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: WindupAtheist on July 25, 2011, 03:38:24 PM
Muy bueno. Carry on.

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: Sheepherder on July 25, 2011, 08:19:05 PM
Any Oblivion playthrough should be prefaced with a list of mods.  Also, if you're not going to fuck around with the mages guild but still want spellmaking and enchanting capabilities it's trivially easy to mod in.

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: Paelos on July 25, 2011, 08:57:46 PM
Any Oblivion playthrough should be prefaced with a list of mods.  Also, if you're not going to fuck around with the mages guild but still want spellmaking and enchanting capabilities it's trivially easy to mod in.

I'm playing the deluxe version with Knights of the Nine, Shivering Isles, Fighter's Stronghold, Spell Tome Treasures, Vile Lair, Mehrune's Razor, etc.

EDIT: Also in full disclosure I am actually doing the Mages Guild stuff, but the quests are horrible and I don't feel like writing about them. I mean, "Go get recommendations from everyone in the country?" Yeah, that's not really going to provide much fodder.

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: Ingmar on July 25, 2011, 10:27:09 PM
I think he means 3rd party mods. Are you using... none?  :ye_gods:

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: Paelos on July 25, 2011, 10:47:35 PM
I think he means 3rd party mods. Are you using... none?  :ye_gods:

None, yes.

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: Paelos on July 25, 2011, 10:53:21 PM
I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind to take that amulet, toss it in the lake, and head for the hills. I can't explain why I didn't do exactly that in retrospect, because it's exactly my M.O. to tell authority figures to cram their plans up their narrow asses. I figured now that they Emperor was dead my chances of getting that castle were about as good as it raining strawberry jam. What? I like jam. I've been living in the fucking woods, ok? Sometimes it's the simple things. Besides, everybody wants to rain naked chicks. You know what that gets you? A bunch of dead chicks when they hit the ground. That's only going to be fun for a couple of hours. Then gross. Then illegal.

 Still, I wanted that pardon. I figure walking a few miles not to have warrants hanging over my head might be worth the trip. So, off I go like a good little tool to the monastery. I stopped by my stash on the way to pick up some new clothes, my weapons, and few other things I needed for a long jaunt  to the boonies.

I'd been travelling for hours when I finally arrived at the monastery at dusk. It's a pretty unremarkable place as you would imagine. Just a bunch of gnarly old dudes living together talking about the Gods and what it's like to be a virgins at the ripe age of 60. "You know what a vagina looks like? No? Me either! High five!"

So I saunter into the place and ask for the head dipshit. That didn't go over well. I was asked to politely leave several times while I explained I held a magical necklace that the Emperor gave me in prison before he was assassinated by a bunch of dudes wearing conjured daedric armor. It doesn't sound THAT ridiculous does it? Finally, Jauffrey yells down to them to let me up, and I go to visit him in his study.

 I lay the story on the monk and he lays some truth on me. He's not really a monk. He is, in fact, the leader of a secret network of intelligence agents called the Blades that work specifically for the Emperor. They work in all facets of the country and blend in just like he does into mundane life. That's why he lives at a monastery in the middle of nowhere. I'm like, yeah really crackerjack job of intelligence there chief. The Emperor seemed to know exactly what was coming and you clowns were nowhere in sight. Maybe if the head of intelligence actually lived in the Imperial City instead of the fucking forest, you might be able to go down the street and buy a clue?

A back and forth of unpleasantness ensued. Things were said, but I've moved past it now. The main point is that we finally got on the same page, and he informed me that the Emperor actually fathered a bastard son. Jauffrey then went on to explain how my pardon was conditional on putting this bastard on the throne, and restoring order to Tamriel. Side benefit, new guy might sign my papers and give me my house. Just like that, I'm back on board!

Where was I? Oh right, I had to track down the bastard, Martin. He is a priest in the city of Kvatch. Easy enough, I think. Just go down the road, and tell ole Marty he's actually royalty, get him to sign my papers, and we're moving on up. So, I head to Kvatch. Horrible name for a city by the way. There's no way to actually say it out loud and make it sound attractive. I mean if you're running a tourist campaign, people want to go see the Shimmering Hills or something. Nobody summers in Kvatch. It would be like visiting sunny Pafloop.

I arrive in Kvatch just in time to notice the citizens in a complete panic. A quick interview with the local guard, and a look over the palisade, indicates that there is a giant, red, burning hell-gate that just erupted in front of the city. I just sighed and rubbed my temples. It was all going to be SOOOOO easy. Nope, instead fucking hell-gates start spawning.

Now, I may be a godless heathen, but I don't believe in coincidences like this. Somebody bad wants this bastard son dead, and he's willing to spawn demons to pull it off. That doesn't sit well with me. That bastard has to sign my deed first. The guard tells me that he's sent men into the gate, but nobody has managed to come back yet. You don't say? You sent idiot guards into a wall of fire and they haven't returned? Shocked, I am!

I tell him to step aside and let the big boys handle this one. After all, I can fight fire with fire. I step into the gate and end up where the color red goes to die. I do a quick scan of the area to see if I can find any of the guards they sent in.

In the distance there's this big pointy tower thing that looks fairly menacing. Logic tells me that when you want to figure out what's going on, it's usually in the tallest tower. So, off I go. Several imps tried to get in my way by tossing fireballs at me. However, I'm pretty handy with a blade, so they ended up getting skewered in short order. I don't mess around and head right into the tower. The thing is infested with daedra. I decide to sneak up on the mages and stab them in the back so I don't have to get any unwanted shock treatments. That method proved highly effective all the way to the top.

At the topmost part of the tower, which manages to be creepy as hell while leaking blood from the walls and covered in what looks like skin and bones, I find this odd room. Suspended right in the middle of it is a huge orb shooting fire straight down into the floor. I don't know what made me do it, but I just had to grab that stupid orb. As I did, the entire place started burning down around me. I was pretty sure that was the end, but as the flames reached their most intense, I found myself teleported back to the front of the gate. The only difference is that I was still holding that creepy orb and the gate was closed. I couldn't believe it. Ass-backwards into victory. I rule!

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: NowhereMan on July 26, 2011, 06:29:29 AM

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: Sheepherder on July 26, 2011, 03:29:11 PM
None, yes.

A musical response. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YUuyzQDmjY)

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: Paelos on July 28, 2011, 08:22:45 PM
While everyone was staring at me holding a glowing eye orb and standing in front of a now closed hellgate, I walk over to the Captain and tell him, "Your boys are dead. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some business in town." Then I walked off leaving them with their mouths hanging open. That's right guards. Soak in the greatness that is me.

I head to the chapel in the middle of town, dispatching a few remaining imps that happened to be in the courtyard. I knock on the door loudly and shout for them to let me in. Once I'm inside, the Captain of the Guard walks in behind me and starts giving orders. Of course. I pave the wave and Johnny Law starts telling everyone what to do again. Dick. I find Martin in front of the alter and introduce myself. He's naturally confused when I reveal that he's actually the Emperor's son, but I managed to get him to agree to come with me to the monastery so he can be put under Blades protection. He doesn't seem to care that Blades protection didn't mean jack shit to the last Emperor.

As I'm getting ready to leave, the Guard Captain stops me.

"We're not done," he says. "Not even close. This was only the first step. If this town is to be ours again, we'll need to get inside the castle. Are you ready to go? We need your help getting to the castle, but we need to move soon."
"Good luck with that, because I'm done. Capturing castles seems like a job for the guards," I reply.
He gets pissy, "How many times can I say it? There's no time to waste! Fall in line!"
I put my hands out in front of me with a soothing tone. "Tell you what, I have to see this man to safety. It's official Emperor's business. But I can assure you that I will return immediately to help you. You have my word."

That seemed to mollify him. I take Martin and walk out the door.

"Do you really intend to go back?" asked Martin.
"Hell no, he can suck my d-,"
Martin interrupted me, "A man is only as good as his word!"
"Yeah, well I guess you're not the only bastard around here then" I spit back with a half-cocked smile. "Now come on, we're late for your coronation party."

We traveled down the road in the dark, avoiding any other demons, red cloaks, or bears. Martin spent the entire time stopping every fifty yards to pick some flowers and put them in his pockets. He droned on and on about the healing power of herbs mixed up correctly and bottled. I asked if he knew how to mix up and whiskey and put that into bottles. He did not. Worthless. By the time we get to the monastery I'm already sorry I closed that hellgate and let him out.

Two bodies are on the ground as I approached the main gates, both monks. I tell Martin to get down, but it's too late. I get jumped on both sides by two red cloaks wielding daggers and screaming about the dawn. Thinking quickly, I cast a burdening spell on the one to my right and stop him in his tracks. I manage to parry the second attacker's daggers as Martin clocks him over the head with a club he had hidden. Ok, maybe he's not completely worthless. The attacker I've stunned snarls at me and tries to throw a dagger at my head, but not before I warm him up with a quick burst of flame. He laughed maniacally before he burned to a crisp. These guys are fucking insane.

We rush to the chapel where Jauffrey is fending off attacks from two more of these cult nuts. I behead the closest attacker while his back was turned. That move gives Jauffrey enough of an opening to dispatch the remaining cult member with a swift slash across the chest. I look around to notice that the old man had taken down three more red cloaks before I even showed up. Impressive. He might be a crazy old spy living in the middle of nowhere, but he can cut a bitch.

I inform him that I've got Martin, but he flips out and says we need to check on the Amulet. He left the amulet in his desk, and of course it's gone. I could care less, but Jauffrey is freaking out. It turns out that the only way they can declare a new Emperor is if he uses the Amulet of Kings to light the Dragon fires back in the Imperial City. Also, the Dragon Fires are the only thing protecting our countryside from massive gates from the plane of Oblivion opening up and releasing daedric demons. Of course, since the amulet was that important the master of spies decided to hide it IN AN UNLOCKED FUCKING DESK!

I manage to get over my urge to burn down the entire building with these two chuckleheads in it because I still need them to get that property. I didn't make four relatives disappear just to have these two morons ruin it now. Jauffrey says we need to get to Cloud Ruler Temple, an old castle north of Bruma, where we can stash Martin until he is safe. You know, that would have been a great place to STASH THE AMULET NUMBNUTS!!! GOD! No...no...I've moved on. It's in the past. I can kill him later.

Jauffrey takes Martin to Cloud Ruler Temple and they have a nice little meeting where all the Blades salute him as Emperor. I ask Martin that since he's Emperor now, would he mind signing my deed. He tells me he can't do that until he's been formally crowned and the Empire is safe. Of course not. Asshole. So I guess it's up to me to help save the world, huh? As long as I don't have to go into any more of those stupid gates, fine.

I head back to the Imperial City to find an agent named Baurus. He's got a lead on the cult of red cloaks that keeps attacking us. Apparently they are called the Mythic Dawn, and we need to get that Amulet back from them. I meet up with him in a tavern in the Elven Gardens district.

Baurus tells me to sit down. There's a man behind him. He says that he's going to get up and that man will follow him into the basement. I'm supposed to follow that man. So he wants me to follow two dudes down into the cellar. It sounds a lot gayer than it actually turned out. All we did was kill the spy following Baurus. Apparently his investigation into the Mythic Dawn had attracted some unwanted attention from a few of the members. The dead guy happened to be carrying Volume One of the Mythic Dawn Commentaries on the Mysterium Xarxes.

Now I'm not one for books. I'm more of a fighter than a reader, but I've occasionally cracked the seals on a few choice scrolls in order to boost my spell selection. So I can read, despite what my previous girlfriends might tell you. Still, most of the time the authors in Tamriel write one good first book and then ramble on sequel after sequel stretching out the story forever while commenting for page after page about the drapes. That's why when Baurus tells me we need to find all these volumes, I cringe. However, after reading the first few pages of Volume One, I already know they are full of too much crazy for a guy like me to even understand.

Still, I don't need to read the books to find all the books. That's the saving grace. Luckily there's a bookstore where the guy tells me he's got a copy of Volume 2, which he sells to me. The downside is that Volumes 3 and 4 are impossible to find. However, he does have a copy of Volume 3 promised to another buyer. Minor setback. I just wait for the guy to come pick up his book and follow him home. As he makes the turn into an alley, I yell out, "IMPERIAL BUSINESS!" and knock him unconscious. Three down and one to go. I also find a note in the elf's pocket that indicates he has a meeting with someone to get book four. Guess where? The Sewers! It's not a trip to the Imperial City until I'm knee deep in shit.

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: Paelos on August 02, 2011, 04:19:12 PM
Back to the sewers. It wasn't long ago that I was wandering around these tunnels trying to fight my way out of prison. Now, I'm willingly heading back down there to meet up with God-knows-who to get a book because we have to find the super secret meeting place of the Mythic Dawn. Oh and my comrade is the same dude who was down here when the emperor was killed in the first place. What could go wrong?!?!

Turns out we find more goblins and mudcrabs down there in the smelly dark. Why? Because nobody in their right mind would ever come down here to clean them out. Except us. I like to think of it as a public service instead of a stupid chore. The worst part is that mudcrab meat that's been stewing in sewer water isn't exactly sellable. I don't even bother butchering the things on the way.

Baurus and I arrive at a door at the bottom of a staircase. He says the meeting will take place in there and he wants to be the one who plays the interested bookbuyer. Fine by me. I'll play the guy who sits upstairs on the railing and rains down hellfire on his enemies. I'm a natural at that role. Baurus goes through the door and sits down at a little table that looks extremely out of place in a small sewer room. I look down from the overlook at the top of the stairs in the dark.

The "Sponsor" walks into the room wearing one of those blood red robes. He starts to prattle on about the Path and enlightenment and blah blah blah. What he DOESN'T mention is that two more cultists are coming into the room from the upstairs landing carrying torches. I didn't expect that one. Thinking quickly, I jump out from the shadows and toss a silence spell at the Sponsor, keeping him from casting his bound armor and weapons. Baurus draws his dagger quickly, and shivs the Sponsor in the stomach. That leaves me to deal with the other two. I toss a few fireballs wildly as I jump off the landing and join Baurus. Together we managed a defensive position and defeated the other two members with minor injuries. A quick inventory of the bodies gives us a sewer key, a frost resistence ring (which is fucking useless because all demons cast shock and fire), and Book Four. Score!

With all the books in my hot little hands, I emerge from the sewers and head directly to the Arcane University. They, of course, refuse to let me in because I smell like refuse. A quick shower and change of robes later, I get to speak with the smartypants lizard-chick who knows all about these Daedric cults. The only problem is she has no idea how these four books lead to the cult's meeting place. She believes there is a secret to them, however, and wants me to come back tomorrow. Yeah, screw that. I'll just solve it myself.

Turns out the answer is simple. In fact, anyone but a lizard could figure it out. The first letter in each paragraph of the four books is capitalized, and they spell out a clue. "GREEN EMPEROR WAY WHERE TOWER TOUCHES MIDDAY SUN." For those that have never spent time incarcerated in the Imperial City, or for any other reason, Green Emperor Way is the plaza of the Imperial Palace. I head there at noon and look to see where the shadows fall. There's a tomb in one of the graveyards there, and the sun has illuminated a map of Tamriel. That's the location of the shrine! Why has no one noticed this? It's sitting in the middle of the biggest city in the world, across from the palace! Now I know what they mean about hiding something in plain sight.

The Shrine is actually in a cave in the middle of northeastern nowhere. Sewers and caves. Nobody ever plots evil above ground it seems. Quite cliche if you asked me. I mean, if I went hunting evil, I can pretty much assume it's not going to be in a farmhouse. Anyway, I head down into the caves to meet a lone red cloak guarding the entry door. He says "The Dawn the is Breaking," then waits for me to respond. Obviously it's some sort of code. Luckily I know the password. It's called "A Knife in the Face." After checking his body I put on a robe, grab his keys and sally forth. I'm met by another cultist who demands I give him all my gear before I enter. I also give him the password. It works in all situations.

I sneak to the edge of a ceremony that's already in progress. There, some priest looking dude is preaching to a bunch of cultists about the coming dawn. I can see he's wearing the Amulet of Kings, but there's no way I can get to him while he's surrounded by lackeys. I assume that this guy is Mankar Cameron, the leader of these jerkoffs, and the guy who wrote all those horrible books. When he's done preaching his stupid sermon to the red cloaks, I watch in horror as he opens up a portal to his own "Paradise." I realize, too late, that he is trying to escape, and I jump from the shadows to stop him. Unfortunately the portal closes before I can go in after him and I'm attacked on all sides by the cultists. Ok, it wasn't the best plan in the world. So, surrouned by about ten bloodthirsty fiends I do the only thing I know how to do. I start flinging fire at everything that will burn.

I managed to hit a few of the cultists and they go up in flames like candles. The rest are momentarily distracted by the crazy-fire-flinging Breton, and try to put their fellow nutjobs out. I take the opportunity to grab their sacred book right off the altar and run like hell. I mean I was GONE. I am many things: a thief, a murderer, and a mercenary, but I'm not an idiot. I wasn't going to take on 10 to 1 odds in a dank cave. That's suicide and I have too much to live for, like my kickass property in the mountains.

I manage to get out of the caves and haul ass back to Cloud Ruler Temple. I immediately go to find the Imperial Bastard. I go to speak with him and before I can even get started he says, "You didn't get the Amulet, did you?" You know what chief? With that kind of attitude you can go fuck yourself. I slam the huge book on his little desk and say, "Here's some light reading. Eat a dick, your highness," and I stalk off. Jauffrey tries to stop me about halfway down the path, and I tell him I'm done. I'm not fighting anymore for some upstart bastard who just assumes I'll fail before I even show up. After some back and forth, Jauffrey manages to calm me down, but only once I get an absolute guarantee that Martin will sign my deed when this is all over. In the meantime, he says he wants me to take care of some Mythic Dawn spies that have been trying to get intel on Cloud Ruler Temple. That's good, because right now, I want nothing more than to see some blood flow.

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: Paelos on August 04, 2011, 03:01:02 PM
The snow is just starting to fall at dusk near the Daedric shrine just north of the city of Bruma. It's a light snow, the kind that immediately disappears when it touches your clothes and melts into your hair. The wind blows in from the east, bringing the faint smell of wood cookfires just starting up in the city proper. Somewhere in the far distance of the grey sky I hear the solitary cry of a hawk in flight, probably circling an unsuspecting prey somewhere far below. It's a peaceful place where I wait, behind a lone rock near the shrine. Quietly, I scrape my dagger across the legs of my light armor as I await the spy who I'm expected to eliminate. Funny how you notice the stark beauty of your surroundings before you assassinate someone in cold blood.

I see the spy approach from the road, creeping towards the shrine amongst the sparse undergrowth. She's alone, which is good. Supposedly there are two spies, but it will be easier to take them down one at a time, assuming I can get to them quickly. I slow my breathing so the frost won't give away my position. I have no intention of just tossing spells at people who will most likely run from a fight. Instead I creep around to the side of the trees as she searches around the stones, looking for some sort of drop that I'm guessing her comrade left there. In a flash I'm at a full sprint from my hiding position, but the wind muffles my approach. She picks up my scent just in time to turn in panic, but it's too late. My knife is already under her chin and slides easily into the soft part of her neck. Her eyes widen as she makes a gagging nose and blood trickles from her mouth.

"Tell Cameron I'm coming..." I snarl at her as her body goes slack. Once I figure out how to get to that paradise, that guy is in for a world of hurt. I don't like people that escape into nebulous etherial portals. That's cheating.

I check the body and come up with a key to her house, and of course a copy of the cult book. I think I'm figuring out how Cameron got all his fancy clothes now. He's obviously selling a ton of these things. On the inside cover, I find the spy's name, Jearl. I head into the town and locate her house, opening the front door with the key. A quick scan of the area shows that there is a poorly hidden trap door under the main rug in the center of the room. Nice hiding place by the way. If I'm ever checking a suspected cultist's house for contraband, I'd NEVER check under the rugs! Maybe that fools guards. That's a frightening thought.

I go down the trap door into a rather cramped basement that includes another bed, some more cult books, a few skulls, and what looks like an unsealed parchment. The parchment is actually the orders for Jearl and the other spy, Saveri, who was apparently living in this cozy cult-hole. The orders indicate that the "Master" was pleased to hear that they have been opening more Oblivion gates, and that they are nearing a cleansing. The spies were supposed to figure out the weaknesses in Cloud Ruler Temple so they could send in a demon invasion via something called a "Great Gate." That sounds bad. Hey, but at the end they say an Imperial Agent who rescued Martin shouldn't be confronted because he's too dangerous and not to be trifled with. That's me! I'm not to be trifled with! Awesome, finally some respect! I guess setting half the shrine on fire got me some brownie points with these nutjobs. It's a shame I have to kill them all. They obviously recognize talent, unlike Imperial dipshit up in the temple.

I plan on taking these orders back to Jauffrey, but as I climb up to the main house level, I got jumped by the other spy. Frankly, I should have seen that coming, but I was all caught up in being "dangeous and not to be trifled with." It obviously went right to my head. Also, what the hell, she's ignoring a direct order not to trifle with me! The Mythic Dawn's chain of command has completely broken down. Luckily, I turned fast enough to take the blade right in the arm instead of the heart. That hurt like hell, but left me a free arm to slug her right in her sneaky face. While she was stunned I took the opportunity to light her up. She ran around screaming and fell into the bedding, which burst into flames. Long story short, I burned down the entire house. The guards were pissed, of course, but all I had to do was flash my "Imperial Business!" smile at them and they had to eat shit. I'm an untouchable, untrifleable badass! I think I just made up that word.

Back to the Temple. Jauffrey is upset that the Dawn is planning to open a Great Gate. I ask him if he knows what that is, and he says it's like a regular gate only bigger. I don't know why I asked. I knew what the answer would be, and it's not helping my urge to just kill the lot of these guys and let the Dawn have it's go at the country. The only problem is I'm pretty sure the cultists wouldn't let me live at this point, so I'm stuck with these guys. I find Martin reading the book (shocker) and he apologizes about his outburst earlier. He was just frustrated. Water under the bridge once I get my castle, man. I ask him what the next move is. Martin believes that he can open our own gate to Cameron's Paradise, but it's going to require a lot of really complicated items that are extremely hard to find. I don't like that he used complicated and extremely in the same sentence. Especially when he tells me that he wants me to go get them.

First on the list, a Deadric Artifact. Yeah. And that's the easy one.

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: Paelos on August 05, 2011, 09:08:09 AM
At this point Tyrox is level 20 because I've done some side quests for the Mages. I also had to murder some vampire hunters so the Brotherhood is after me. I'm not sure if people would like me to do a writeup on the Brotherhood stuff, or just stick with the main, or if they are reading at all at this point.

So, if yall are looking at a specific place to hit quests, I've hit the part of the game where the character is viable.  :drill:

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: carnifex27 on August 08, 2011, 12:48:17 AM
I'm reading at least:)  By all means write up whatever you found interesting to do or think you could do a good write up for.  That being said, I did most of the side quests and stalled out in the main quest, so you are farther in the main quest than I ever got.  This means that the main quest line is the one I'm more interested in reading about.

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: Paelos on August 09, 2011, 01:09:28 PM
Let me explain something about the Daedric "Gods." They are cocksuckers. Every last one of them. Why anybody in their right mind would ever want to worship one of these things is beyond me. Every time someone gives themselves over to the power of a Daedric Lord, they end up with some horrible malady that kills them. That's not an oversimplification of the matter, either. I've read books and shit on this. Well, a book. Ok, it was a page in story with pictures, but the point remains. They suck.

That being said, I need a Daedric Arifact. Why? I have no idea. Bastard boy says we need one. I'm sorry, EMPEROR Septim says we need one. His word should be good enough, I've been informed. Repeatedly. The Blades don't really have a sense of humor about the situation since the last emperor got poked full of holes and portals opened up everywhere. Personally, I think it's pretty damned funny. I mean talk about shit going from bad to worse in a matter of hours. Not only is your leader dead, but silly looking monsters are shooting out of flaming assholes all over the landscape? And your only salvation is a bastard priest who's lost his faith, but only if he gets back a necklace from a cult leader who's escaped into an alternate reality? It doesn't get more ridiculous!

So as it stands, I have to pick a Daedric God, kiss it's ass, and get an artifact. Nevermind that people have been trying to do this for thousands of years, I have to pull it off in a couple days. I'm good, but we're pushing my limits here. I end up choosing Azura, because she's one of the three "good" Daedra who will probably make me jump through the least hoops. I travelled a good ways into the mountains to find this statue of Azura surrounded by followers. The priest in charge there said to even approach the statue and ask a question, I would have to gather some glow dust and leave it there at dawn or dusk. Luckily, there were wisps everywhere. I killed one, and pissed off several more, one of which knocked the head priest unconscious. I found that extremely amusing because I'm a dick.

I wait by this statue for a couple of hours, trying to have conversation with the other people worshipping at this far-flung location north of Cheydinhal. One of them is a Khajiit refugee from Morrowind who escaped slavery after someone called the Neverneen showed up. I didn't follow most of it because it made no sense. Something about red mountains, ash monsters, fire and explosions, and some kind of flesh curse. Frankly, it sounded made up. The other was a Nord who said he just got lost in the mountains and found the statue. From that point on, he was enthralled with the Daedric Lord and returned every day hoping she would talk to him. Great, so just leaving glow dust and tossing woo at this stone chick for days on end doesn't produce many results. Been there.

Finally dusk arrives, and I push a few of these other idiots aside to set my glow dust on the shrine and hope for the best. I place the dust down and mentally project my need of an artifact to save the world. To my shock, a terrifyingly loud female voice pierces my mind. She tells me that she understands my plight and will give me what I require if I end some of her worshippers' suffering. No problem, kill the lot of these idiots, consider it done. The voice stops me and says that it means a group of vampires who have holed themselves up in a cave to the west. They sacrificed themselves to kill an evil vampire and thus became vampires in turn. To avoid inflicting their curse upon the populace they sealed themselves in the cave forever. My job is to go put them out of their eternal misery.

I have two problems with this. One, see what I meant about Daedric Lords? Follow them and you end up as a fucking vampire in a hole praying for death. Two, didn't sending people to deal with vampires cause the whole problem in the first place? Now, instead of sending five guys to deal with one vampire, you're sending one guy to deal with five? That's just piss poor planning on your part, lady. I'm sure as shit not going toe-to-toe with five lonely blood-suckers in some dank cave. However, I do need that artifact. So I agree, but I've got a better plan than just hacking away and hoping for the best.

I swing back by Cheydinhal and grab a few supplies from my buddy Borba the orc. She's got a stash of some of the cheapest whiskey money can buy. After grabbing a case of the stuff, I head up to the cave. I work my way down into the depths, sneaking quietly, and pouring out whiskey all over the place as I go. When I get down to the large cavern I see the vampires standing around talking. I empty out the rest of the whiskey except one bottle. I pop the top on that last bottle and stuff a rag down into it with a little left at the top.

When I'm ready, I yell out to the vampires, "HEY SUCKHEADS! FRESH MEAT!" and I haul ass to the front door. I can hear them chasing me as I go, but I'm faster. Years of running all over the woods of Tamriel have turned me into a physical specimen. When I reach the top I light the rag with a fingertip fire spell. I wait until I see them all charging right at me from the bottom. Then, I smash the bottle on the rocks and rush out the door. The entire place went up in flames, and I hear the shreiking of the vampires as they burn to a crisp. I love the smell of burned vampire in the morning. It smells like...victory.

When I head back to Azura's shrine, I see there are five candles burning behind her where there weren't any before. I open my mind to the statue and her that eerie voice. She thanks me for freeing her subjects and says that the five candles will burn forever near her in memory of their sacrifice. No thanks to me I guess? I guess if the choice is an artifact or a memorial candle, I'll take the artifact. So, that's how I came into possession of Azura's star. I'm sure another mage who was into the whole conjuring an soul trapping thing would think this thing a miracle of Daedric lore. To me it's just a rock carved in the shape of a star that Martin's gonna smash in a few days anyway. If I can't swing it, drink it, wear it, or fuck it, I don't want it. Worst gift ever. Thanks for nothing, bitch. Back to Martin to see what else he has up his illegitimate sleeve.

I take it back to el Bastardo and he says it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. Mmmhmm. Get a room. What's next on the list. Martin says we need the blood of a god. What? Last time I checked, Gods don't bleed. What the hell does that mean? He says it confused him as well, but he believes that we need to get an item from a god that spent some time on earth as a mortal. The most obvious choice to him is Talos, the ascended Divine of Tiber Septim. So, Martin wants me to go grab great-great-great-great-great-grandaddy's armor that's in an enchanted tomb sealed by the founder of the blades and guarded by the souls of the four most powerful knights in history.

I'm gonna need more whiskey.

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: Sir T on August 09, 2011, 01:26:17 PM
You gave martin Asura's star???  :ye_gods: :ye_gods: :ye_gods: :ye_gods: :ye_gods:

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: Paelos on August 09, 2011, 01:33:24 PM
You gave martin Asura's star???  :ye_gods: :ye_gods: :ye_gods: :ye_gods: :ye_gods:

Haha, yes.  :grin:

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: Paelos on August 09, 2011, 05:59:32 PM
Added more pics that I had on the home computer to the storyline.

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: Sheepherder on August 11, 2011, 01:47:30 AM
Should have given him the Sanguine Rose:

"I never thought to see this again. I once possessed it, briefly ... a lifetime ago, it seems now ...
To obtain it, and then give it up ... I honor your dedication to our cause."
The Book of Daedra:

Sanguine, whose sphere is hedonistic revelry and debauchery, and passionate indulgences of darker natures.

Title: Re: I've Fought Mudcrabs Tougher Than You: A Guide to Oblivion
Post by: Paelos on August 22, 2011, 01:10:14 PM
Nothing is ever simple. Once you've established yourself as the one man who can close the Oblivion gates, there's no shortage of nuthuggers who want your services in exchange for their help. Bruma is like that, especially since it's becoming readily apparent through the Mythic Dawn's plans that the city is directly in the path of their Daedric God's wrath. Now me, I could care less about saving cities. The only reason I'm even bothering is because if Bruma falls, there's not much in the way of the demons overrunning Cloud Ruler Temple. The Temple could hold out for a few months against any onslaught, but eventually with no support, the monsters would crack it open like a ripe mudcrab and suck out the Imperial goodness hidden inside. Then, thousands of years of fiery burning and darkness where the rest of us die horrible deaths. Or some shit like that. Jauffrey painted the mental picture for me while he was convincing me to head to Bruma and help them learn how to destroy the gates.

Thing is, I'm done doing shit for free, or for the promise of future profit. I'm going full merc now. The Blades want closed gates, I demand a bounty. 1000g per gate. It's a wildly outrageous fee. Hell, it's enough to buy a convicted murderer off the gibbet, but thems the breaks. That Imperial treasury has to be pretty goddamn full after all the taxes I paid. Well, not really. Maybe that the other people paid that I stole from in the past. I've robbed a few tax caravans in my time. They were brimming with gold. The Empire ain't hurting for coin despite all the dead leaders and Oblivion war. Jauffrey curses me for a mercenary and a brigand. Uh, duh. Now pay up. He gives me 200g up front and says I'll get the rest upon return. It better be here, bucko, or you can find yourself another patsy out there who knows how to close these things. Or you can cart your old ass through the fire and see how that works out.

The Bruma head of the guard wants me to show him and his men what to do on the other side of the gate. I have three rules. One, keep up. Two, shut up. Three, no heroics. You fall, you die. I'm not risking my ass for any "leave no man behind" guard mantras or whatever other bullshit honor code they like to pretend they have. Four men agree to go in with the captain. Odds of them all coming out again are less than zero. We all suit up and head into hell. This gate is way different than the last version with small imps tossing fireballs. No, instead we have crazy bitch spiders with hot torsos and spider bodies that summon smaller baby bitch spiders that paralyze you while the main bitch spider shoots lightning out of her mouth to kill you. Oh and we have the ever popular man-bear-gator thing that runs around spewing fire out it's mouth while jumping 15 feet through the air to attack you with it's huge claws. And how can I forgot the blue-skinned shirtless demons with spikey hair that summon other demons to attack you while flinging spells? Stop laughing. That's actually what they looked like.

So about five minutes into the place, and as I expected, all the guards except the captain are dead. The only reason he's not dead is because he's a candy ass who pretends to be already dead whenever something attacks. Fat load of the help that is. It's learned something very important about killing daedric monsters on this jaunt though. They really really hate lightning spells. In fact, that seems to be the number one way to take any of them down quickly. Unless it's a lightning stone giant, then it's a recipe for disaster. As per usual, my backup plan is to whip out a 2-handed sword and hack them to bits. Both are equally effective. Inside the the huge tower (there's always a huge tower) I tell the captain to quit being a pussy and just wait until I clear out the place. I go into sneak mode and assassinate group after group of stupid Dremora casters. They can be dangeous if they see you coming since they summon a bunch of angry triceratops looking things, but if you stab them in the throat from behind they can only summon a very frothy gurgling noise.

We get to the sigil stone room and I tell the captain to put his hand on the stone. We both pull it off the stand and the world erupts into fire. I cackle maniacally just to really scare the piss out of him. It worked. I literally made the captain wet himself when we both emerged on the other end of the closed gate. I took the stone from him and told him that's what he gets for feigning death. He might as well look the part. I seriously doubt he and his guards can do the job with 100 men, but at least they know what it takes now.

Here's the bad news. Now that Bruma knows how screwed they are, they need more men. Which means I have to help them recruit guards. Let me remind you how truly ironic it is that they are asking a known highwaymen and ex-criminal that he should help guards recruit guards. I know, it boggles the mind. What can I say, I'm a whore for gold? I am. So now, it's my job to head to all the other cities of the Empire and see if they can donate a few bodies to the Bruma cause. I start with Cheydinhal since it's close by. Guess what Cheydinhal's response is? They have Oblivion gates too! They need help! Everyone needs help! Gates everywhere! OH NOES! Ugh.

In every crisis there is an opportunity...for me to make a shit-ton of cash. I tell them my price of 1000g to close the gate, and they have to send men to help Bruma. Lord Dunmer agrees, but only if I can find information concerning his son, who just happened to go into the gate with his drunken buddies, The Knights of the Thorn. Oh that's rich. Daddy's little treasure got bored just making up stories about besting mythical creatures and decided to go try out the real thing. Lord Dunmer said the kid has always been in a pain in the ass, but he needs me to find out if the kid is dead. I ask around and get the full story that the kid is a spoiled piece of shit. The guards hate him. The citizens hate him. I get the distinct feeling that everyone would be a lot happier if he never came back. Still, I have to go into the gate anyway to shut down the demon hub, so I vow to keep my eyes peeled for him.

Once more into the breach. This version of Oblivion turns out to be mostly caves and holes. Drop down, kill man-bear-gator, drop down, kill lightning giant, drop down, kill spider bitch, exit. On the other side, I meet up with little lord Dunmer and his scared buddy. Little Lord tells me it's about time that I arrived, and that they have been cutting demons down by the score. Never mind the 3 dead bodies of his friends I found on the way down her. He orders me to go on ahead and they will protect my flanks. Uh huh. A quick chat with his frightened friend reveals that Little Lord is, shockingly, full of shit. They loudly tells me they got cut off and have been waiting for any kind of help. He's screaming about voices and that they are in way over their heads. I tell him to calm the fuck down, stick close and follow my lead. He of course ignores that sound advice and panics, running right into a living vine that rips his head off. I sorta get a chuckle about a Knight of the Thorn getting killed by a thorny vine. What? It's funny if you think about it. No? Whatever, you had to be there.

Little Lord follows behind me shouting commands as I do all the fighting and he generally acts all pompous and worthless. I understand fully why everyone hates this idiot. Not only does he have that ivory tower voice of the priviledged that gets under your skin, but the moment something dangerous gets close he tries to get behind me. Protecting my flank, indeed. Shrieking hysterically like a wet Khajiit is not the best protection in the world. Anyway, because I'm a sneaky badass, we manage to get to the top of the tower with only a few minor cuts and bruises. Also, I manage to collect a badass new daedric blade that cuts through armor like a hot knife through lordlings. As we approach the sigil stone, Little Lord gets a funny look in his eyes. He walks slowly towards it smiling and muttering.

"This! The final proof. I've suffered their insults for long enough. This stone will be my pinnacle trophy. No one will dare to cross me!" he rambles.
"There's only one problem with that theory," I say as a walk behind him.
"Oh? And what is that, peasant?" he snarls at me as he reaches for the stone.
"You didn't make it..." I say as I slip my dagger under the base of his skull.

The blade makes all too quick work of him, and Little Lord goes limp like a puppet that's had it's strings cut. A shame really. If he wasn't such a dick I might have let him live. I mean I'm not a completely cold-blooded bastard. Most of the time anyway. Besides, who is going to miss him?

Turns out nobody. The guards just sort of nudge each other and sagely nod when I tell them the news. I can almost sense their contained celebrations. The sick thing is the father's reaction was even worse. He doesn't ask what happened. He doesn't ask how the kid died. He just says that he's saddened and that I probably did all I could. Um, wow. The fact he even said it with a smile turned my stomach. I hated my dad, and I'm pretty sure he hated me, but he never actively wished me dead. I'm putting this guy on my list of loose ends to take care of when this Imperial business is over and done with. Some people just don't deserve to see the fruits of my labor. I take my gold payment and send the men to Bruma.

I guess I better head to the other cities and take care of business. Anybody want to bet it doesn't have to do with closing Oblivion gates? I have 2,000 gold to bet against that right now.