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HaemishM
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on: September 07, 2018, 10:17:34 AM

So I figured since the NFL 2018 season has officially begun, I can start our annual thread wherein we shit talk the teams, owners and the league.

Man, was it just me or did both of those teams look like the most boring, unimaginative offenses on the planet? They were dogshit through 3 quarters of really boring football. Philadelphia looked like they were tutoring Nick Foles in the Sam Bradford Art of the 3 Yard Out Checkdown and he wasn't really getting it, so they'd switch to the Jet Sweeps Are the Greatest Invention Ever curriculum, but only Jay Ajayi was able to do anything with that. Atlanta, OTOH, were playing the Forget There's Anyone Else Playing Besides Matt Ryan and Julio Jones playbook, which worked great between the 20's. Neither Kyle Shanahan or Frank Reich may not be great offensive coordinators, they both seem to have been sharper shed tools than Steve "I'm Not Think as You Drunk I Am" Sarkasian and whoever the fuck Doug Pederson gave the meaningless OC title to.

Also, the Green Zone? What the fuck, NBC? THIS IS NOT A THING. STOP IT.

Amazingly enough, I didn't think the refs did all that bad a job despite having to throw more flags on the field than are flapping outside the United Nations.
« Last Edit: September 24, 2018, 02:59:34 PM by HaemishM »

Paelos
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Reply #1 on: September 07, 2018, 10:21:27 AM

The Falcons are fucked until they realize they've hired the most unqualified person in the NFL to OC their offense, and the fact that Julio Jones isn't Superman and does actually have to show up and practice to get on the same page as the QB.

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HaemishM
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Reply #2 on: September 10, 2018, 12:03:23 PM

Hey guys, did you know that Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers are REALLY GOOD QUARTERBACKS? I mention the first because obviously, I watched the Texans/Pats game to see a rematch of the shootout from last season and I heard all about the magic of Tom Brady. Even though their offense mostly consisted of running the ball down Houston's throat and scoring off of Houston fuckups, and one pass to Gronk that should have been batted down if the corner had been paying attention to the ball. Also, Houston's offensive line is utter dogshit. It's hard to judge Watson's comeback from a knee injury when he's unable to scramble because his tackles can't block and his guards are fucking turnstiles. I swear, Bill O'Brien is just the least imaginative playcaller I've ever seen. His runs all come from a fucking coin flip of down the middle or pull off tackle and Watson's inaccuracy is either down to rust or the inability to set himself to throw with linebackers all up in his grill. And yet Houston still almost tied it up because their defense is pretty damn good.

I also watched the Green Bay game and yes, the announcers were similarly effusive in their praise of Rodgers, but at least in this case, it was deserved. After watching his dogshit offensive line allowing him to get harried until finally twisting his knee like a fucking wishbone, I then got the treat of watching Deshone Kizer (who we traded our best corner from last year for) bumblefuck his way to a strip sack and an INT on a screen, mostly because he can't read the pass rush, our numbnuts head coach won't give any help to our giant grain sack of a right tackle who is getting skullfucked by a future hall of fame pass rusher and our wideouts can't get separation in less than 5 seconds without running scramble drills. By the way, fuck scramble drill offense - I swear that is Mike McCarthy's only fucking contribution, he doesn't even have a playbook anymore, Rodgers just runs around like he's the last Jew in Poland 1939 and waits until someone comes open by accident. And yet, at halftime, they actually made an adjustment and started throwing quick routes instead of trying to keep Rodgers protected for more than 3 seconds. Our defense still overpursues the run, can't set the edge and is apparently now in the hands of a coach who thinks running no less than 6 DB's on every fucking play is GENIUS. Luckily, it was the Bears so Mitchell I LIKE TITTIES Trubisky missed on a 1-yard pass on 4th down and we win.

Rodgers is going to be in six pieces by the end of this season.

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Reply #3 on: September 10, 2018, 12:42:48 PM

The Cowboys are run by a Muppet and a Puppet so at this point I'm basically focusing on College Football until we win a damn game.

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Phildo
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Reply #4 on: September 10, 2018, 12:57:22 PM

My team tied the Browns.
01101010
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Reply #5 on: September 10, 2018, 01:10:40 PM

My team refuses to win.  Ohhhhh, I see.

"I want to watch it all burn in an orgy of smashed Coke machines and weasel rape." - HaemishM
HaemishM
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Reply #6 on: September 10, 2018, 01:22:35 PM

My team refuses to win.  Ohhhhh, I see.

If you are talking about Cleveland, at least they won't go 0-16 this year! PROGRESS.

01101010
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Reply #7 on: September 10, 2018, 01:58:09 PM

My team refuses to win.  Ohhhhh, I see.

If you are talking about Cleveland, at least they won't go 0-16 this year! PROGRESS.

You are not helping.  why so serious?

They lost that game - well, the offense lost that game. I liked the defensive side of the ball. Defense gift wrapped that game and Hue still found a way not to win.

"I want to watch it all burn in an orgy of smashed Coke machines and weasel rape." - HaemishM
HaemishM
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Reply #8 on: September 10, 2018, 03:13:05 PM

Running the ball on first down with the score tied and less than 2 minutes left in the game seemed... well, it seemed like the Cincy thing to do.  why so serious?

Hoax
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Reply #9 on: September 10, 2018, 05:15:59 PM

Running the ball on first down with the score tied and less than 2 minutes left in the game seemed... well, it seemed like the Cincy thing to do.  why so serious?

That's 1-0 Cincy to you fucker

A nation consists of its laws. A nation does not consist of its situation at a given time. If an individual's morals are situational, then that individual is without morals. If a nation's laws are situational, that nation has no laws, and soon isn't a nation.
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01101010
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Reply #10 on: September 10, 2018, 08:30:59 PM

Running the ball on first down with the score tied and less than 2 minutes left in the game seemed... well, it seemed like the Cincy thing to do.  why so serious?

That's 1-0 Cincy to you fucker

Funny that, no one in the AFC North has a loss yet.

"I want to watch it all burn in an orgy of smashed Coke machines and weasel rape." - HaemishM
HaemishM
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Reply #11 on: September 11, 2018, 01:57:26 PM

Early returns on Sam Darnold looked good, despite the first play pick 6 he tossed on what was the rookiest of rookie mistakes. The rest of the night he looked decent, and I don't think I've ever seen a guy throw the ball so goddamn hard. It's not that he was throwing faster than someone else (like Favre could probably knuckle one in there harder) but it seemed like every time he reached back to throw it, he was trying to throw the dick out of the ball. The Lions, OTOH, were fucking awful at every level after that first pick 6. Their O line couldn't protect Stafford from a stiff breeze and as a result, the team still can't fucking run the ball. In addition to a lack of running game, Stafford played like shit when he wasn't picking up his clavicle. If I was him, rather than buying his O line dinner, I'd be sending them scorpions in boxes or some shit just to get someone else in there.

All hail the return of Chucky to Oakland. AND well that went off like a wet fart. Fuck ESPN for continually choking on Raider Nation cock, talking up the "tradition and heritage" of this team that is set to abandon the fucking city either next year or the year after. The piece of shit retard son of the piece of shit original owner had no qualms about telling Oakland to go fuck itself when Vegas waved $700 million at him, so he can eat shit and burn in hell with his father. I look forward to this Raiders team putting up Art Shell-era wins for the next two seasons as Gruden is exposed for the lucky bastard he's always been.

Cyrrex
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Reply #12 on: September 14, 2018, 07:28:54 AM

Best thing about the NFL so far this year:  despite all the fair and balanced reporting that might have made it seem in doubt, it turns out that America actually agrees with Colin Kaepernick, and Nike stocks are at an all time high or something.

Somebody should organize a national Take A Knee day.  I wonder just how shocked people would be to see how many actually agree with these guys when they see everything grind to a halt for 5 minutes.

Edit:  feel free to move if this is a bit too much political?

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Sky
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Reply #13 on: September 17, 2018, 02:43:49 PM

I don't get all angsty about players and stuff like you folks do, but I want to personally kick Tony Romo out of the airlock.

The old lady has such a love of the Patriots that I had to get Game Pass so she could watch their games (since they're mostly shut out of our NY market). We were subjected to Tony Romo's rambling, often incoherent stream-of-consciousness blathering to the point of distraction. Highlight was him literally yelling "take the time out" over and over again, as if he's sitting on his couch in East Redneck, Murca with his drunken fratbros.

While he does every now and again have some decent insightful commentary, it's like finding a peanut in a truckload of shit. And his cheerleading teams on how to beat the Patriots EVERY TIME is straight up unprofessional. I also love how he makes up little voices for the players, regressing directly to elementary school playground level.

01101010
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Reply #14 on: September 17, 2018, 03:55:01 PM

Still better than Phil Simms.

"I want to watch it all burn in an orgy of smashed Coke machines and weasel rape." - HaemishM
Phildo
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Reply #15 on: September 17, 2018, 04:02:31 PM

Looks like Josh Gordon is going to the Patriots.  50/50 lethal or a huge waste of time.
Zetleft
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Reply #16 on: September 17, 2018, 05:15:24 PM

Looks like Josh Gordon is going to the Patriots.  50/50 lethal or a huge waste of time.

It's like other teams go out of their way to help out the Patriots rather then their own teams  swamp poop
HaemishM
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Reply #17 on: September 17, 2018, 05:24:04 PM

Looks like Josh Gordon is going to the Patriots.  50/50 lethal or a huge waste of time.

Jesus. It's definitely like the rest of the league just doesn't want to win a fucking Super Bowl if it means giving a black man who smokes marijuana a job. FUCK ME, it's a goddamn 5th round pick for a guy they get to control at rookie rates for the next two fucking seasons, and if he isn't active for 10 games, the Pats will give up a meaningless 7th rounder.

I like Romo. Yes, he's an utter goober and extremely into the game but I actually find that refreshing over all the Tom Brady knob slobbering that most of the other broadcasters do.

I watched the Houston/Tennesse game  and holy shit, Houston DESERVES to lose for eternity for just how badly they've fucked up their offensive line. Deshaun Watson could be a great, highlight reel type QB with some seasoning, but the Texans seem determined to get him fucking killed and RGIII'ed out of the league as quickly as possible. When he makes big plays, it's often in spite of the shitty playcalling and the lack of blocking. They refuse to play with a fullback whose only job is picking up blitzes. And yet they still almost beat the Titans because the Titans had Blaine Gabbert starting instead of the soon-to-also-be-RGIII'ed Marcus Mariotta. Gabbert was their 3rd best rated passer yesterday behind a fucking cornerback and Derrick Henry. Also, fuck Derrick Henry for being fantasy points cancer.

I also watched the Jags beat the piss out of New England and the Gordon trade makes sense for the Pats. Without Edelman, they have no wideouts. That Jags front line was able to stifle the run game and get to Brady without doing much blitzing. Their corners are mouthy and legit. ALSO BLAKE BORTLES IS GOING TO CARRY MY FANTASY TEAM ALONG WITH TODD GURLEY, YA'LL. And they did all that without Leonard Fournette which should scare some people because Yeldon and Grant were actually really dangerous in the passing game as well as the running game.

01101010
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Reply #18 on: September 17, 2018, 06:37:07 PM

Jesus. It's definitely like the rest of the league just doesn't want to win a fucking Super Bowl if it means giving a black man who smokes marijuana a job. FUCK ME, it's a goddamn 5th round pick for a guy they get to control at rookie rates for the next two fucking seasons, and if he isn't active for 10 games, the Pats will give up a meaningless 7th rounder.

5th rounder...but still. I mean it's my Browns. They could have given them a 2nd rounder and the Browns would still not draft anyone who would help them. And I'm not broken up about Gordon. Cleveland gave him more chances than he should have received and missed more games than he has played. Now yeah, when he is on, he is a HoF worthy player putting up Madden numbers. But when he is off more than on and has been flaky this year? Best to cut bait now... I hope he works out and gets himself right, but chances aren't very likely.

"I want to watch it all burn in an orgy of smashed Coke machines and weasel rape." - HaemishM
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Reply #19 on: September 17, 2018, 07:46:30 PM

It's only a 5th rounder if Gordon plays.
01101010
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Reply #20 on: September 17, 2018, 07:59:48 PM

It's only a 5th rounder if Gordon plays.

5th rounder regardless. If he doesn't play, then the Browns send a 7th rounder to the Pats.

https://twitter.com/AdamSchefter/status/1041784583048650753

"I want to watch it all burn in an orgy of smashed Coke machines and weasel rape." - HaemishM
HaemishM
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Reply #21 on: September 17, 2018, 08:45:09 PM

Did anyone see the penalty on Clay Matthews that basically cost Green Bay a win? Because it was some super duper utter bullshit type of call. I don't know what the fuck the NFL expects pass rushers to be able to do now.

Cyrrex
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Reply #22 on: September 18, 2018, 12:12:35 AM

Apparently the NFL is doubling down and using it as a teaching tool:

https://www.yahoo.com/sports/nfl-reportedly-use-clay-matthews-controversial-penalty-example-illegal-qb-hit-203822011.html

I don't have words.  I am not even going to read the rationalization of why that might be a foul. 

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Sir T
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Reply #23 on: September 18, 2018, 06:08:42 AM

Perspective of someone who knows fuck all on that : Hang on, a shoulder tackle to the Abdomen is a foul now??? What the hell is he supposed to do otherwise, tickle the guy? That's a well executed rugby tackle.

Sometimes irony is pretty ironic.
01101010
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Reply #24 on: September 18, 2018, 06:24:04 AM

Perspective of someone who knows fuck all on that : Hang on, a shoulder tackle to the Abdomen is a foul now??? What the hell is he supposed to do otherwise, tickle the guy? That's a well executed rugby tackle.

Yeah, the NFL tackling rules on QBs has pretty much jumped the shark.

That said, I hear the Favre is making calls.  why so serious?

"I want to watch it all burn in an orgy of smashed Coke machines and weasel rape." - HaemishM
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Reply #25 on: September 18, 2018, 08:31:00 AM

Fuck Clay Matthews. Any foul by him is a good call.

When speaking of the MMOG industry, the glass may be half full, but it's full of urine. HaemishM

Always wear clean underwear because you never know when a Tory Government is going to fuck you.- Ironwood

Who the hell taught you how to write? Fuck, that sentence is like internet transmitted face-attacking knives. Jesus. schild
HaemishM
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Reply #26 on: September 18, 2018, 09:38:38 AM

Apparently the NFL is doubling down and using it as a teaching tool:

https://www.yahoo.com/sports/nfl-reportedly-use-clay-matthews-controversial-penalty-example-illegal-qb-hit-203822011.html

I don't have words.  I am not even going to read the rationalization of why that might be a foul. 

Oh they can fuck right the fuck off. That tackle was goddam textbook perfect. From the earliest days of playing football, coaches drilled it into me how to tackle and if I could visualize it as an actual play, that was it from start to finish.

Cyrrex
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Reply #27 on: September 18, 2018, 11:56:13 PM

When I first saw it I thought to myself "actually, he could have done a better job wrapping his arms".  Other than Fantasy Football, I think this shit has really helped me get over my NFL obsession.

Fuck Clay Matthews. Any foul by him is a good call.

Oh, and this.  If a BS call is going to happen to anyone, I am fine with it being Clay Matthews.

Never, ever assume someone that short and fat has their shit together. - Schild
HaemishM
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Reply #28 on: September 19, 2018, 09:57:54 AM

You two can shut your dirty whore mouths. Clay can do no wrong.

Actually, he can because the pass interference call against him during the Bears game was completely correct and deserved, and almost cost us big time. The call in the Vikings game was complete horseshit though.

Sir T
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Reply #29 on: September 19, 2018, 06:37:17 PM

The NFL has clarified what is an acceptable tackle technique.

« Last Edit: September 20, 2018, 03:52:35 PM by Sir T »

Sometimes irony is pretty ironic.
Paelos
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Reply #30 on: September 20, 2018, 12:14:03 PM

This is verging on the third season in a row where I want to watch the NFL, yet I find myself basically doing other things. Because life changes and the NFL has made itself less appointment-level viewing than before.

NOTE: This has absolutely not happened with college football, if anything I'm watching more now.

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TheWalrus
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Reply #31 on: September 20, 2018, 12:19:30 PM

Russell Wilson is competing with Toro on who can chew the most grass. Hawks are done this year.

Paelos: Somebody find that post where I declared Seattle dead, because those fuckers are NFL cockroaches in the NFC.
HaemishM
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Reply #32 on: September 20, 2018, 02:22:33 PM

I did a search on my guide for the NFL games I'd have available to watch this week. Holy fuck, this is shit matchup weekend.

Browns v Jets
Saints v Falcons
Cowboys v Seahawks
Patriots v Lions
Steelers vs Tampa Bay

The fuck? Not one of those games interests me in the slightest. They are either shit teams masquerading as good or competitive teams (Bucs, Falcons) or they are going to be one-sided laffers like Pats/Lions or they have the BROWS AND THE JETS. What retarded cockhead thought this was an acceptable slate of televised games?

Phildo
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Reply #33 on: September 20, 2018, 03:10:38 PM

Thought you'd relish a chance to root for the Bucs over the Steelers
HaemishM
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Reply #34 on: September 20, 2018, 03:17:50 PM

I hate the Bucs, mainly because of Jameis Winston and if he were starting instead of being suspended for groping an Uber driver, we could call that game the Rapist Bowl. However, I think it will end up being the game where the real Ryan Fitzmagic shows up and the Bucs get found out as the shitty team they really are.

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