Finally, the Hello Kitty Online Beta. I've been waiting five years for this, so I may as well play it on day fucking one. It will go down as the second shortest amount of time that I have spent in an MMOG, 1st place prize still held by Vanguard. I lasted about 6 minutes in the latter and I lasted about 12 minutes in the former. Mostly because I got lost while I was fresh off the boat. Yea, you start as a FOB, so what? I had the plan of making an 8 year old little girl and entrapping predators with my doe eyes and a child's vocabulary. It was all going fine until my first quest, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Sabrina is (or was) a blue eyed, blue haired member of the Hello Kitty Aryan Army. Don't question it, aryans have blue hair in animu world. Ask your weaboo friend you won't take out in public if you don't believe me. ANYWAY, I start making small talk in chat. I'm very nice about it and I use a lot of emoticons, because bitches love smileys and so do dirty old men, I think. Not that I ever found out and I definitely wouldn't know from experience.
I'm walking along, having to use the the world map because the minimap is completely and totally useless, and none of it is going well because the game maxes at 1024x768, so, to put it bluntly, I couldn't see shit. I wander to this tutorial guy or whatever and he's all "here's some green clothes, you blue-haired freak." And I'm like "thanks, talking animal." He's all "Go get 20 clovers" and I'm OK with this because I'm on a mission, not because I want to get 20 clovers. Nonetheless, I gave him a 'fuck you very much' and went to find clovers. Like any good MMORPG, the first quest is already inaccessible by anyone under the age of 12. I actually have to harvest 'shamrocks' to get 'clovers.' Now, I knew this because I'm not really
a six year old girl (I just play one in MMOGs) but how many kids are really going to know this who don't hail from that country over yonder?
So I'm chatting it up and getting my 20 clovers. I got pretty pissed because I got a rare clover but then I realized it went towards my 20 clover quest, so I was pretty happy about that (the developers thought of everything!). By now I was talking about crafting in chat and people were complaining and using words like "grind" and "production" and I'm simply too young to understand these concepts. So I ask questions for clarification on nearly every single thing said in chat. It's nice to know that even in a game like this people can understand the idea of a grind. I keep pounding away with the questions though, because they kept saying things that are obviously totally foreign to me. What can I say, I'm an inquisitive little girl. An inquisitive little girl that types way too fast, maybe I gave myself away with that.
Then people start talking about the word filter and shit and chat is getting pretty boring. Then someone drops the word religion and I'm already hating my little experiment. Frankly, I don't want to deal with the politics forum in a game designed for prepubescent girls, even though ours sometimes mirrors that exact situation. No worries though, after I get this quest I'm going to beat the shit out of some oblong creatures with faces that I saw on the beach while walking down to this little pissant of a quest giver.
So I turn in my 20 clovers, and the little animal is all "hey bitch, great job, here's some eggs now go get me 15 rare clovers."
NO. I WILL NOT PLAY THIS. I WILL NOT PLAY IT IN A HOUSE, I WILL NOT PLAY IT WITH A MOUSE. I WILL NOT GIVE THIS ANY EFFORT, I WILL NOT PLAY IT TO ENTRAP PERVERTS.
But is it fun? Well, that depends. How bored did you get this summer? As far as I can tell, they didn't nerf the entire playerbase on launch day.
Also, everything was pink. EVERYTHING. But it's not cute, the art is terrible.