GI Joe

[WindupAtheist]

From some denned thread, a bunch of Something Awful "Cobra After Action Reports" as posted by Miasma before the denning.

linka

I love these things.  I could read shit like this forever.

[Nebu]

Does anyone else find it interesting that, in GI Joe, it's the villain that is getting all the interest?

[schild]

No, because the heroes are lame jock morons. And they're the spitting image of everything wrong with America today.

That should send this to politics right quick.

[voodoolily]

Also, villains are almost always sexy, and Americans are obsessed with sex.

[Nebu]

No, because the heroes are lame jock morons. And they're the spitting image of everything wrong with America today.

Thank you for nailing my point for me.

[WindupAtheist]

GI Joe merely reacted, it was Cobra that was always coming up with insane schemes to blow up the ocean and shit.  The bit in "Cobra Stops the World" where they enslave a bunch of natives and make them dig up diamonds to power a diamond-powered laser beam that turns oil tankers invisible is the perfect example.  I mean, what the fuck?

Then there's the whole "surprisingly competent up until being fucking idiots" angle.  Successfully installing over a hundred ICBMs inside the continental United States itself, then... broadcasting a map with their locations on TV.  Blowing up all the world's oil production... then getting stuck fucking around with the aforementioned diamond-powered invisibility beam.  Carving Cobra Commander's hooded face into the fucking moon with a giant laser, as technically impressive as it is ridiculously pointless.

GI Joe was just a dumber version of the actual US military.  Cobra was fucking batshit insane.

[Nebu]

It's kind of like those overly elaborate, yet easily escapable plans to kill James Bond. 

Sharks with frikken laser beams and all that. 

[WindupAtheist]

I remember that "draw a face on the moon" episode.  Even the other Cobra leaders thought it was a fucking stupid idea.  But I'll tell you who's competent, the unseen Cobra telecommunications corps.  Cobra Commander's plots might be an endless stream of insane failures, but whenever he needed to appear on every television in the world simultaneously to announce one of them, bam.

[Merusk]

The Televiper union thanks you for your support.

[Stormwaltz]

From some denned thread

"The topic or board you are looking for appears to be either missing or off limits to you."

Fascinating!

[WindupAtheist]

Do rednames not get to see the Den?  But that's where all the best stuff is!   

[Tebonas]

We protect the Reds from that stuff, because their fragile psyche couldn't handle it and they would run off being screaming and drooling madmen. And screaming and drooling at the same time ain't pretty I tell you!

[Ookii]

The sekret is out!!! 

[Paelos]

The sekret is out!!! 

Hide the womens!

[Tebonas]

Did I break the code? Nobody told me how to break the code! I didn't want to break the code! Don't hurt me!

[Signe]

Storm isn't like a REAL red name.  He's more like just us punters.  Poor Storm.  He's too important to see the good stuff. 

[Lantyssa]

Storm isn't like a REAL red name.  He's more like just us punters.  Poor Storm.  He's too important to see the good stuff.

He's not like us.  He's played THAT game.

(Of course he could become like us by letting us be able to play, too...)

[lariac]

This guy shouldn't bag on Cobra trying to franchise, those startup fees and royalties can be a real money maker.

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/cobra-afteraction-report-7.php

[rk47]

it's all the same with transformers, a bunch of good robo-cars and truckers go against a band of evil robo-jets.
i remember being quite excited when firestar, a robo-jet transformers joined autobots. FINALLY AIR AUTOBOT!!!

[Dtrain]

Also, villains are almost always sexy, and Americans are obsessed with sex.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

[Mrbloodworth]

yeah baby, yeah. 

[Lantyssa]

I'd so be asking to help with laundry detail.

[Mrbloodworth]

I'd so be asking to help with laundry detail.

Fuck that, id be making laundry, dirty. 





That there is like three fantasies in one there, that is.

[Lakov_Sanite]

I'd so be asking to help with laundry detail.

Fuck that, id be making laundry, dirty. 





That there is like three fantasies in one there, that is.

I can only imagine dave chapelle walking in the room in slow motion.

[Merusk]

That there is like three fantasies in one there, that is.

I count 6. Possibly 7, but I'm not sure laundry is actually a fetish.

[Dtrain]

Also, this.

[Fabricated]

I was convinced as a kid that the Baroness was actually a dude.

Also I like how they genetically engineer a savior for Cobra, and in the movie he turns a living snake into a spear and throws it through Duke's heart.

Only the suits didn't like the idea of Duke dying and forced them to add a line in at the end stating that he was 'in a coma' and was 'going to be okay'.

...and then they decided they LIKED the good guy dying angle and used it in the Transformers movie...unfortunately the Transformers had a much younger audience and thus much childhood trauma was born.

[SurfD]

Except that, if memory serves me, the Transformers movie killed off Optimus at least a year before GI Joe failed to kill off duke.

[Fordel]

Prime dieing upset me on many levels as a kid.


There was the "Nooooo! Not Prime! :(" sadness.

Then there was the "He's a fucking robot, put him back together assholes!"

[WindupAtheist]

Yeah.  There was some pre-movie Transformers episode where Prime got decapitated and Megatron was carrying his head around while it fucking TALKED TO HIM for some reason.  It's like... wait... what?  Now being shot a few times kill him?

[Fordel]

And his gun arm was attached to some tower and they turned his torso into a Robo-Croc.

[Mrbloodworth]

That there is like three fantasies in one there, that is.

I count 6. Possibly 7, but I'm not sure laundry is actually a fetish.

Being domestic certainly is. Nothing like walking up and interrupting a drier unloading. 

[Fabricated]

Except that, if memory serves me, the Transformers movie killed off Optimus at least a year before GI Joe failed to kill off duke.

I'll have to find it but there was an interview with the guys who made G.I. Joe where they talk about exactly what I said. They wanted to kill off Duke since his toy line was ending and they were convinced G.I. Joe fans were mature enough to handle it. Suits didn't like it and made them add that line in at the end. Then they went ahead and did it for Prime. Heh.

Edit: Yep, here it is.

http://www.joeheadquarters.com/interviews_dixon.shtml

[Velorath]

Except that, if memory serves me, the Transformers movie killed off Optimus at least a year before GI Joe failed to kill off duke.

I'll have to find it but there was an interview with the guys who made G.I. Joe where they talk about exactly what I said. They wanted to kill off Duke since his toy line was ending and they were convinced G.I. Joe fans were mature enough to handle it. Suits didn't like it and made them add that line in at the end. Then they went ahead and did it for Prime. Heh.

Edit: Yep, here it is.

http://www.joeheadquarters.com/interviews_dixon.shtml

Which clearly shows what SurfD was saying.  It wasn't until after the reaction to Prime's death that they backed out of killing off Duke.

The younger Transformer fans freaked when Optimus Prime went to that big junkyard in the sky; there had been nothing in the tone of the story that indicated it could take such an ominous turn (yeah, Orson Welles was going to eat the galaxy, but that was all a fun Star Wars-ish romp; it wasn't like somebody you knew and liked was going to bite it). Parents howled in protest to Hasbro, and Hasbro decreed G.I. Joe: The Movie be slightly re-edited and re-dubbed to indicate Duke survived (that clunky "We just heard Duke's going to be all right -- yea!" ending).

[NowhereMan]

Heh, I love the way he receives a phone calling telling him his brother's ok and then looks up at the stars to thank him. As a kid it used to confuse me, I never knew why he didn't just tell him on the phone.