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f13.net  |  f13.net General Forums  |  General Discussion  |  Serious Business  |  Topic: F13 St00pid Joke Thread 0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
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Author Topic: F13 St00pid Joke Thread  (Read 38154 times)
Endie
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Reply #210 on: June 26, 2009, 02:24:53 AM

I'd been saying he looked pale for ages.

My blog: http://endie.net

Twitter - Endieposts

"What else would one expect of Scottish sociopaths sipping their single malt Glenlivit [sic]?" Jack Thompson
Oban
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Posts: 4662


Reply #211 on: July 05, 2009, 06:32:53 AM

What’s the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?

The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

Palin 2012 : Let's go out with a bang!
Oban
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Posts: 4662


Reply #212 on: July 07, 2009, 04:13:20 PM

Home Depot Scam

A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also, December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each



-----

An atheist was walking through the woods...

"What majestic trees! "
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.


As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
« Last Edit: July 07, 2009, 04:18:23 PM by Oban »

Palin 2012 : Let's go out with a bang!
Draegan
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Reply #213 on: July 13, 2009, 01:47:10 PM

That bear joke is awesome.
Merusk
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Reply #214 on: July 16, 2009, 03:59:23 AM

"Sex after marriage is logically impossible.  You have to overcome the paradox of, 'Oh, this again,' with, 'Hey, where did you learn that?!'"

- Emo Phillips

I can't get past the panties - Alluvian
I really like the cocks. - Lantyssa
People rarely believe just how good I am at sucking. - Lantyssa
I love the swinging dongs - Signe
Oban
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Reply #215 on: July 28, 2009, 05:51:31 PM


Palin 2012 : Let's go out with a bang!
IainC
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Posts: 5583

Wargaming.net


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Reply #216 on: August 21, 2009, 12:09:43 PM

How do you find Will Smith when it's snowing?


- And in stranger Iains, even Death may die -

SerialForeigner Photography.
Oban
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Posts: 4662


Reply #217 on: August 27, 2009, 03:18:57 PM

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?


At the funeral, there is one less drunk.

Palin 2012 : Let's go out with a bang!
Lantyssa
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Reply #218 on: August 27, 2009, 03:37:00 PM

The spouse is too upset to drink?  (The stiff is quite pickled...)

Hahahaha!  I'm really good at this!
Oban
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Posts: 4662


Reply #219 on: October 06, 2009, 12:14:42 AM

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATTLE airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Palin 2012 : Let's go out with a bang!
Trippy
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Reply #220 on: October 06, 2009, 12:17:07 AM

Zing!
Nebu
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Reply #221 on: October 30, 2009, 08:03:51 AM

My mother just sent me a bunch of old Red Skelton material and I thought I'd share it with you lot. 

If you don't know who Red Skelton was, look HERE

Quote from: Red Skelton
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a Little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .

3. I take my wife everywhere....
But she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary."Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric Toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place To sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well Because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8.. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
For the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
First name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

"Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other."

-  Mark Twain
Sky
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I love my TV an' hug my TV an' call it 'George'.


WWW
Reply #222 on: October 30, 2009, 08:26:05 AM

I love the Red Skelton.

JWIV
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Reply #223 on: March 17, 2010, 11:16:34 AM

Heard this one today

 What's Irish and makes Captain Kirk mad?
Merusk
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Reply #224 on: August 20, 2011, 04:45:26 PM

Because my daughter told me and it's sooo dumb.

How many Saiyns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


I can't get past the panties - Alluvian
I really like the cocks. - Lantyssa
People rarely believe just how good I am at sucking. - Lantyssa
I love the swinging dongs - Signe
Sky
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Posts: 28834

I love my TV an' hug my TV an' call it 'George'.


WWW
Reply #225 on: August 21, 2011, 12:30:18 PM

"I've been married for 38 years, and I don't regret one of them."

"The year I don't regret was 1979..."

Arthur_Parker
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Internet Detective


Reply #226 on: August 25, 2011, 01:20:12 PM

Edinburgh Fringe funniest

Quote
1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."
Ironwood
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Reply #227 on: September 14, 2011, 12:23:38 AM

Traffic cop to Werner Heisenberg: 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg to traffic cop: 'No, but I know exactly where I am.'

"Mr Soft Owl has Seen Some Shit." - Sun Tzu
Lantyssa
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Reply #228 on: September 14, 2011, 05:28:47 AM

That's so stupid, but as a chemist I can't stop laughing at it.

Hahahaha!  I'm really good at this!
LK
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Reply #229 on: September 16, 2011, 02:44:53 PM

Dude I Know: "I don't have a problem with gay clubs, but it does make me uneasy being there. When a girl gets her ass grabbed, she has every right to slap the guy. So when a gay guy grabs my ass at a gay club, he can expect to see my fist."
Me: "I think that's what he was after."

"Then there's the double-barreled shotgun from Doom 2 - no-one within your entire household could be of any doubt that it's been fired because it sounds like God slamming a door on his fingers." - Yahtzee Croshaw
lamaros
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Reply #230 on: September 16, 2011, 04:39:59 PM

Don't give up your day job...

Expect poison from the standing water.
Paelos
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Posts: 26543

Error 404: Title not found.


Reply #231 on: September 17, 2011, 05:54:20 AM

What's the difference between the moon and a fat chick's ass?

Men have landed on the moon.

CPA, Sports blogger, Mount and Blade enthusiast
Braves by the Numbers, my sports blog
Teleku
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http://tinyurl.com/d89qk7g


Reply #232 on: September 17, 2011, 07:30:42 PM

Man, you guys are really trying to make this thread live up to its title.

So anyways, a baby seal walks into a club....

"My great-grandfather did not travel across four thousand miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this nation overrun by immigrants.  He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland. That's the rumor."
-Stephen Colbert
Paelos
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Error 404: Title not found.


Reply #233 on: September 17, 2011, 08:30:01 PM

Why did the man decide to stay with his whiskey-maker wife?

He said he loved her still.

CPA, Sports blogger, Mount and Blade enthusiast
Braves by the Numbers, my sports blog
Merusk
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Reply #234 on: March 07, 2016, 11:04:51 AM

Damnit why is this so dead. RISE.

I spent over an hour at my wife's grave last night.
Poor woman, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

I can't get past the panties - Alluvian
I really like the cocks. - Lantyssa
People rarely believe just how good I am at sucking. - Lantyssa
I love the swinging dongs - Signe
calapine
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Solely responsible for the thread on "The Condom Wall."


Reply #235 on: March 07, 2016, 11:54:52 AM

Czechoslovakia, Cold War:

Gustav Husak [Secretary General of the Communist Party of Czechoslovakia] is walking around Prague, picking up rocks and collecting them in his pocket while making beeping sounds. His assistant gets worried about his mental health, calls Moscow and explains the situation. The man on the other end sighs and says:

-Oh shit, we must have accidentally sent him the Lunokhod orders again.



---------


A man gets eaten by Leonid Brezhnev and meets Gustav Husak in his stomach. He asks him:

"Comrade Secretary General, did you get eaten too?"

"No, I came here through the other end."




Ukraine, contemporary:

At the beginning of the first session of a freshly elected Ukrainian parliament the speaker doesn't know which fraction should be allowed to make the first speech.

"Western Ukrainian nationalists will start rambling about getting rid of Russians, Eastern Ukrainian nationalists will start blaming Jews, perhaps I'll let the Greens speak first."

A representative of the Green party accepts the invitation and starts his speech:

"My friends, my brother and sisters! What have we done to our beloved country? The rivers are drying up, the trees are being destroyed by wildfires! How will we drown kikes and hang moscals if we let this continue?!"

« Last Edit: March 07, 2016, 12:11:00 PM by calapine »

Restoration is a perfectly valid school of magic!
shiznitz
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the plural of mangina


Reply #236 on: March 28, 2016, 01:36:06 PM

The WNBA.

I have never played WoW.
Paelos
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Posts: 26543

Error 404: Title not found.


Reply #237 on: March 29, 2016, 07:27:09 AM

How do you know if a Tenneesee fan is married?
There are dip stains on both sides of the truck.

CPA, Sports blogger, Mount and Blade enthusiast
Braves by the Numbers, my sports blog
pants
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Reply #238 on: March 29, 2016, 06:40:25 PM

A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "Why the long face?".


What's green and eats meat?  Syphillis.



Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupt-
MOOO!
Brofellos
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Reply #239 on: April 22, 2016, 08:42:46 AM

What's yellow and wears a mask?

The Lone Lemon.
Jade Falcon
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Reply #240 on: April 22, 2016, 08:45:32 AM

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?



Nothing she just gagged a little.
Merusk
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Reply #241 on: April 22, 2016, 03:24:51 PM

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
To hide in cherry trees

Why don't they paint them purple?
You ever try to hide in a grapevine?

Why do t they hide in orange groves?
Orange isn't flattering with grey.

How do you even know they do it to hide in cherry trees, anyway?
Have YOU ever seen one in a cherry tree?

So why DO elephants like to hide in cherry trees?
Their hobby is jumping out and stomping on people.

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants?
Look, a herd of elephants.

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he did t recognize them

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of giraffes?
Ha, you can't fool me twice, elephants! 

So how did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.

I can't get past the panties - Alluvian
I really like the cocks. - Lantyssa
People rarely believe just how good I am at sucking. - Lantyssa
I love the swinging dongs - Signe
jgsugden
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Posts: 2614


Reply #242 on: April 22, 2016, 03:43:35 PM

A horse walked into a bar and ordered a Long Island Ice Tea.  The bartender took one look at his long face and said, "Hey buddy, I can't serve you.  Looking like that, you've got to be some kind of drunk."

The horse paused and thought about the bartenders words for a moment.  With a sad sigh he responded, "I don't think I am."  And then he disappeared.

I know some of you might not get that joke.  It is based upon Descartes famous saying, "I think, therefore I am."

It might have helped you if I'd explained that before the joke, but that would have been putting Decartes before the horse.

I miss Good Eats.  *Sniff*
calapine
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Solely responsible for the thread on "The Condom Wall."


Reply #243 on: September 22, 2016, 11:51:54 PM

"Children, you must know how good, very good Lenin was. Once old good Lenin was sitting on the bench in a park, sharpening his razor.
A little girl came and sit close to him. Lenin sharps the razor a bit, then looks at the girl and smiles. Sharps the razor, looks at the girl and smiles. And then the girl went off."

"So how does it show his goodness?"

"He could slit her throat any moment!

Restoration is a perfectly valid school of magic!
calapine
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Posts: 3565

Solely responsible for the thread on "The Condom Wall."


Reply #244 on: September 23, 2016, 01:03:17 AM

Have you ever smelled moth balls??


Yes?


How did you get their little legs far enough apart?

Restoration is a perfectly valid school of magic!
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