I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it I deserve luxury wipe!

[Shockeye]

Royal Flush

The Europeans and the Japanese are already all over it. Could toilet paper actually be the next frontier in affordable luxury?

by Dale Hrabi

Luxury toilet paper. At first it sounds like an insultingly obvious joke. Who would want such a thing? But then visions of those notorious $900 Gucci dog bowls flit through your mind, and you’re haunted by the possibility that your cynicism isn’t polished enough to second- guess the world’s hunger for tiny, absurd self-indulgences. You’d be right. Consider Renova Negro: This all-black toilet paper from Spain is brand new, real, and mercilessly chic. Very Pedro Almodóvar. And, as it turns out, 10 times more costly than the average Euro-wipe. Renova Negro is the brainchild of an established, successful company already famous for an ad campaign in which barely clad models dry-hump near a commode while rolls of toilet paper look on, unmoved, as though they’ve seen it all. In Japan, meanwhile, luxury toilet paper is de rigueur. Japanese rolls are routinely scented, extra-thick, aloe-moistened, strictly “virgin” (unrecycled), patterned, or — the latest trick — infused with pineapple enzymes to counteract odor. And in Germany the American brand Charmin Ultra is known as Charmin Deluxe; it comes in urbane black-and-charcoal-gray packaging“designed with the consumer in mind,” according to Procter and Gamble’s European division, “with a Gucci look and feel.”

Suddenly the question becomes not who would want luxury toilet paper but why don’t we already have it here? We’re Americans, damn it! No one tells us we’re not good enough to be manipulated by upscale design or writhing nude models! But even our most premium brand is marketed not with quasi-Gucci symbols but with a pudgy cartoon bear whose sole purpose is to ensure that we don’t freak out at the very thought of bathroom-related activities. “The bear is not intimidating,” says Celeste Kuta, a spokeswoman for American Charmin.“His facial expressions, and just the way he walks, convey his pleasure with the toilet paper. He lets us communicate the product’s benefits without having to talk about them.”

Is squeamishness alone depriving us of lavish toilet paper? We’re certainly not too cheap to fall for the scam. The U.S. luxury market is bloating by 15 percent a year, thanks partly to the rage for “trading up” from routine products to affordable luxuries (esoterically sumptuous jeans, those $48 key chains from Coach). According to a 2002 survey by American Demographics, 61 percent of 18-to-34-year-olds want a “lifestyle of luxury” and care less about quality than the ineffable “feeling” of entry-level lavishness.

“It’s certainly odd,” says James B. Twitchell, author of Living It Up: America’s Love Affair with Luxury. “Typically, the more common the product, the more susceptible it is to luxury commodification.” Take water, or toothbrushes. According to Kenn Fischburg, president of Toilet Paper World, one of the nation’s largest wholesale distributors, “A lot of people in the industry are asking, ‘Why can’t we follow the Starbucks model?’” People pay an extra $400 a year for “better” coffee, he notes, yet only $7 more for the best Charmin versus a poor-grade off- brand. (At home Fischburg alternates between two-ply Charmin Ultra and “less bulky” regular Charmin: “It’s not dissimilar from enjoying different kinds of wine, a chardonnay versus a cabernet.”) The stumbling block, he says, is that the product still lacks the prestige to justify the markup. “Americans aren’t ready to say, ‘I want to tell you about my wonderful experience in the toilet.’” Fischburg believes, however, that toilet paper is poised for an image-advertising makeover.

Michael Souter, a luxury branding and packaging consultant who has worked with Cartier and Estée Lauder and who heads up his own agency, Territory, embraces the conceptual potential of elite toilet paper:“I’d do it with Helmut Lang or Comme des Garçons. They’re both stark, intellectual brands with a certain provocative wit. With Comme des Garçons I’d go for a seasonal gift item: all-white wrapping with deadpan graphics listing the ingredients. Or Paul Smith would have the guts to do it. Take a good solid color, emboss their signature irregular stripe pattern on the tissue, add a subtle proprietary scent, maybe package it together with a turn-of-the-century-style ‘newspaper’ to read on the toilet. This would be about the store experience of buying that toilet paper. Or maybe you subtly display it in your bathroom on an open stainless steel shelf.” Souter pauses. “People would be appalled, but they were appalled by Evian, too.”

A connection between high fashion and toilet paper isn’t as strange as you might think. In trendsetting Canada a premium three-ply brand recently (and ingeniously) rechristened “Cashmere” staged a fashion show this past July for which designers crafted garments from white Cashmere. In its advertising the brand uses talking women, not silent bears, and gives away $10,000 diamond rings and $20,000 custom bathroom makeovers to link the name Cashmere to luxury. This toilet paper is currently the nation’s number one brand.

Will Americans be getting their hands on posh wipe anytime soon? Well, not from one allegedly gutsy company, at any rate.“Paul Smith is not interested in doing anything like this now or in the future,” said a spokesperson, softening the blow with a cheery, “Good luck!”

[WayAbvPar]

All that picture makes me see is skidmarks on that guy's tighty whiteys. 

[Nebu]

Well, I never thought people would pay $1-5 for a bottle of water similar to what comes out of the tap in most metropolitan areas.  I see nothing but success for these folks. 

[Merusk]

Well, I never thought people would pay $1-5 for a bottle of water similar to what comes out of the tap in most metropolitan areas.  I see nothing but success for these folks. 

There's a sucker born every minute.  The hard part is finding out what that sucker will fall for. Scientology, "Direct Marketing" programs, $8 Coffee, $4 water or $7 toilet paper.  I think I'm going to work on the $8 scented wet-nap.

[Sky]

There's some quote I often mangle about selling wine. It's about a guy who is tasting wine at a vinyard and asks the difference between two wines. One is $50/bottle, the other is $400/bottle. The employee answers "Some people want to pay $400 for a bottle of wine."

Wish I could remember the quote more clearly, I use it often.

[Samwise]

It's true.  There is wine in existence that costs hundreds of thousands of dollars per bottle.  It is not by any account (even hardcore wine snobs) hundreds of thousands of times better than other wine, it just costs that much because there are one or two jackasses who will pay that much simply because it's stupid to do so.

[Paelos]

It's true.  There is wine in existence that costs hundreds of thousands of dollars per bottle.  It is not by any account (even hardcore wine snobs) hundreds of thousands of times better than other wine, it just costs that much because there are one or two jackasses who will pay that much simply because it's stupid to do so.

It's the 1787 Chateau Lafite, a Bordeaux.

[stray]

There's some quote I often mangle about selling wine. It's about a guy who is tasting wine at a vinyard and asks the difference between two wines. One is $50/bottle, the other is $400/bottle. The employee answers "Some people want to pay $400 for a bottle of wine."

Wish I could remember the quote more clearly, I use it often.

You drink Bud Light, don't you?

Though I've never paid more than $100 yet, flavor and price do tend to go hand in hand with wine (That is, as long as it isn't too old...The truly crazy prices are for collectors, not drinkers). Not that some of these good wines are priced what they should be....All I'm saying is that they are better. Try some of it yourself.

[edit] Though I will say that, personally, I'm happy with $40 wines.....Because I like Malbec. It seems to be the best kept (or shoved aside?) secret in wine snobbery land, and for now, most of the good brands are fairly cheap.

[Paelos]

If you want a high rated good cheaper side wine, try the Chateau St. Michelle 2001 Cabernet. It's a Columbian valley wine with a pricetag at about $14 and a wine rating of 85/100.

[Samwise]

There is also apparently "modern" wine (as in created within the last decade or two) that goes for ridiculous prices.  Kinda like limited collector's editions or something.

I find wine snobbery baffling in the extreme.  I may be a beer snob, but I still don't pay more than $20 per bottle.

[Furiously]

If you want a high rated good cheaper side wine, try the Chateau St. Michelle 2001 Cabernet. It's a Columbian valley wine with a pricetag at about $14 and a wine rating of 85/100.

Skip their Cab, go to the winery and get their Muscat Canelli.

My favorite winery is down the street from them actually. It's http://www.facelliwinery.com/ Their late harvest syrah is a fun dessert wine. Their Cab is much better then Chateau St. Michelle's.  (You can skip the Cab Franc). But the Red Table Wine is great for a $9.99 bottle.

[HaemishM]

Fuck Wine snobs in their snooty noses. Drink what you want.

As for that article about toilet paper? It makes me want to stab all advertising people with my rigid cock.

[Shockeye]

As for that article about toilet paper? It makes me want to stab all advertising people with my rigid cock.

I'm sure those 2 inches are really putting The Fear into them.

[HaemishM]

When it's skullfucking their eye sockets, they'll be regretting that Cadillac of TP ad.

[Shockeye]

When it's skullfucking their eye sockets, they'll be regretting that Cadillac of TP ad.

Wow, you're full of spite today.

Must be the $400 Xbox 360 news.

Have a Fresca.

[AOFanboi]

Must be the $400 Xbox 360 news.

Remember that's a $300 XBox 360 with extras worth $180 - a formidable bargain! Buy now! Regret later!

The console industry is learning from the car indystry.

[Paelos]

Must be the $400 Xbox 360 news.

Remember that's a $300 XBox 360 with extras worth $180 - a formidable bargain! Buy now! Regret later!

The console industry is learning from the car indystry.

Remember kids, sometimes "y", just not in this case.

Yes I'm a jackass, but come on!

[Murgos]

Aww, give him a break the y and u keys are right next to each other.

[HaemishM]

I think he was mixing the terms "industry" and "dysentery." I know when I think of the gaming industry, I feel an impending explosive colon decompression.

[Shockeye]

I think he was mixing the terms "industry" and "dysentery." I know when I think of the gaming industry, I feel an impending explosive colon decompression.

You're never going to get into the IGDA with comments like that.