Laws of the Internet

[K9]

1. Godwin’s Law:

"As a Usenet discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1."

2. Poe’s Law:

“Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humour, it is impossible to create a parody of fundamentalism that someone won't mistake for the real thing.”

3. Rule 34:

“If it exists, there is porn of it.”

4. Skitt’s Law:

"any post correcting an error in another post will contain at least one error itself" or "the likelihood of an error in a post is directly proportional to the embarrassment it will cause the poster."

5. Scopie’s Law:

“In any discussion involving science or medicine, citing Whale.to as a credible source loses the argument immediately, and gets you laughed out of the room.”

6. Danth’s Law (also known as Parker’s Law):

“If you have to insist that you've won an internet argument, you've probably lost badly.”

7. Pommer’s Law:

“A person's mind can be changed by reading information on the internet. The nature of this change will be from having no opinion to having a wrong opinion.”

8. DeMyer's Laws (only the 2nd and 3rd laws apply generally):

2 - "Anyone who posts an argument on the internet which is largely quotations, can be very safely ignored and is deemed to have lost the argument before it has begun."
3 - "Anyone who posts a picture with a caption which does anything other than describe the picture is deemed to have already lost on the point they were trying to make and it can be ignored."

9. Cohen’s Law:

“Whoever resorts to the argument that ‘whoever resorts to the argument that... …has automatically lost the debate’ has automatically lost the debate.”

10. The Law of Exclamation:

"The more exclamation points used in an email (or other posting), the more likely it is a complete lie. This is also true for excessive capital letters."

[Yegolev]

Very good.  Now please illustrate the difference between spam and velveeta.

[MahrinSkel]

Very good.  Now please illustrate the difference between spam and velveeta.

I thought I was the only Usenet dinosaur around here who would know there ever was a difference.

--Dave

[sigil]

You'd have to post this in  Politics and a  couple dozen other boards (sites) to make with the cheesy goodness.

[Yegolev]

Too early for a snip from the jargon file?

   :jello: n.  [Usenet: by analogy with {spam}] A message that is
both excessively cross-posted and too frequently posted, as opposed to
{spam} (which is merely too frequently posted) or {velveeta} (which is
merely excessively cross-posted).  This term is widely recognized but
not commonly used; most people refer to both kinds of abuse or their
combination as spam.

The jello entry sums it up nicely.

Also:

   :Sturgeon's Law: prov.  "Ninety percent of everything is crap".
Derived from a quote by science fiction author Theodore Sturgeon, who
once said, "Sure, 90% of science fiction is crud.  That's because 90%
of everything is crud."  Oddly, when Sturgeon's Law is cited, the final
word is almost invariably changed to `crap'.  Compare {Hanlon's Razor},
{Ninety-Ninety Rule}.  Though this maxim originated in SF fandom, most
hackers recognize it and are all too aware of its truth.

[WayAbvPar]

2. Poe’s Law:

“Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humour, it is impossible to create a parody of fundamentalism that someone won't mistake for the real thing.”

That made me actually LOL.

[tazelbain]

Analysis

Poe's law is often used to mock conservatives and fundamentalists, based on its implicit assertion that fundamentalists and conservatives are so absurd as to be indistinguishable from parody. However, there is a fundamental flaw in this assertion. One might as well argue that genuine works of art are indistinguishable from cheap knockoffs, because some people are unable to distinguish between the two. Clearly, the cause of the mistake is not that the genuine article is no better than a mockery; rather, the cause of the mistake is that some people lack the critical thinking skills and/or experience to differentiate the two -- particularly in cases when an artist (or a parodist) goes to special efforts to emulate the genuine article.

Basically says conservatives and fundamentalists lack critical thinking skills.  Way to defend the Faith, dudes. 

[Yegolev]

"And to your left you can see The Drain.  We will begin circling it shortly.  Note the captain has turned on the NO SMOKING sign."

[Bzalthek]

Fuck the cap'n.  Light 'em up 'cause we're goin' down!

[LK]

7. Pommer’s Law:

“A person's mind can be changed by reading information on the internet. The nature of this change will be from having no opinion to having a wrong opinion.”

Oh man. That's awesome.

[SurfD]

So what was DeMyer's first law?

[Samwise]

You forgot one of the most important ones:

[Yegolev]

My evidence suggests the audience component is optional.

Also, yes: 2 + 3 = cats

[Samwise]

Also, yes: 2 + 3 = cats

That's what we call a "lemma".

[Triforcer]

Also-

Everyone on the Internet is a man.  If they send you a pic, its a lie.  If you talk to her on the phone and its a woman, he hired someone else.  If you meet her and she is a woman, she wasn't born a woman. 

[SurfD]

Also-

Everyone on the Internet is a man.  If they send you a pic, its a lie.  If you talk to her on the phone and its a woman, he hired someone else.  If you meet her and she is a woman, she wasn't born a woman. 

I prefer this version:

There's that rule about the internet.
Everyone who CLAIMS to be a "woman" is a "teenage girl".
Everyone who CLAIMS to be a "teenage girl" is a "man".
Everyone who CLAIMS to be a "man" is a "teenage boy".
And everyone who CLAIMS to be a "teenage boy" is an FBI agent.

[Ironwood]

 

[RhyssaFireheart]

Also-

Everyone on the Internet is a man.  If they send you a pic, its a lie.  If you talk to her on the phone and its a woman, he hired someone else.  If you meet her and she is a woman, she wasn't born a woman. 

I prefer this version:

There's that rule about the internet.
Everyone who CLAIMS to be a "woman" is a "teenage girl".
Everyone who CLAIMS to be a "teenage girl" is a "man".
Everyone who CLAIMS to be a "man" is a "teenage boy".
And everyone who CLAIMS to be a "teenage boy" is an FBI agent.

I thought it went "Welcome to the Internet!  Where men are men, women are men, and little girls are FBI agents."

[schild]