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Topic: Overheard in New York. (Read 3851 times)
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Fabricated
Moderator
Posts: 8978
~Living the Dream~
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http://www.overheardinnewyork.comIf only half of these are true it's still fucking fantastic. Chinese guy: Hey, now that you're here we can go to Sylvia's in Harlem and get some soul food. Black guy: What do you mean, "now that I'm here"? What, you can't go to Harlem by yourself, but now that you've got your token black you're safe? That's fucked up. Chinese guy: Let me ask you something: would you go to Harlem alone at night? Black guy: OK, that's not the point. Manager: My son likes white girls. I'm like, 'Boy, don't you know white people smell funny?! They smell like chicken when it's wet outside!' Coworker: Oh, yeah, they do be smellin' weird. God Squad lady: Praise Jesus! You won't be saved without Jesus! You have to start believing in Jesus to be saved! Jesus will always be there for you! Suit #1: Would it be so awful if we pushed her out when the doors open? Suit #2: No. Jesus will save her. Mother with little girl: Excuse me. My daughter wants to know if you're a pirate. Woman wearing bandana: No. I'm just a lesbian.
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"The world is populated in the main by people who should not exist." - George Bernard Shaw
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bhodi
Moderator
Posts: 6817
No lie.
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It's like bash.org and inpassing.org had a baby. Man: It was nice to meet you. Now will you shake my hand?
Little boy: No.
Man: Why not?
Little boy: Because she gave you her number, but she already has a boyfriend! I don't like that.
Woman: Shut up. That's not true.
Little boy: If it isn't, then why did it say "Jason and Trish, together forever" on your phone, when I turned it on right now?
Woman: Together forever, my ass; now shut up!
Girl #1: Ben's hot, but I think he's gay.
Girl #2: No way. Why?
Girl #1: He asked me if my carpet matches my drapes.
Girl #2: I don't think he's gay.
Girl #1: Oh yeah?
Girl #2: Call him up and tell him he can chew on your carpet!
Girl #1: What?
Girl #1: So when was your first kiss?
Girl #2: My 17th birthday.
Girl #1: How about your first time making out?
Girl #2: Also my 17th birthday.
Girl #1: ...first blowjob?
Girl #2: This is awkward. 17th birthday, again.
Girl #1: How about when you lost your virginity?
Girl #2: 17th.
Girl #1: How about the first time you --
Girl #2: I know what you're about to ask, and the answer is "my 17th birthday" again.
Girl #1: God damn! What the hell did you do for your 18th birthday?
and my favorite: Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.
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« Last Edit: January 22, 2007, 07:46:37 PM by bhodi »
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Yoru
Moderator
Posts: 4615
the y master, king of bourbon
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I love it. Makes me nostalgic for home.
And reminds me why I never, ever want to actually go back and live there. :)
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Vedi
Terracotta Army
Posts: 499
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Doctor to patient: Sir, I am going to prescribe you two things -- some burn cream for, well, you know, and some advice: try not to cook without your pants on.
--Beth Israel Hospital Emergency Room
Tourist lady: Man, there must be something going on in New York today!
Flustered man: It's called Christmas, bitch.
--Disney Store, 5th Ave & 55th
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« Last Edit: January 23, 2007, 02:38:24 AM by Vedi »
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WayAbvPar
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Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England. I am totally stealing that. |
When speaking of the MMOG industry, the glass may be half full, but it's full of urine. HaemishM
Always wear clean underwear because you never know when a Tory Government is going to fuck you.- Ironwood
Libertarians make fun of everyone because they can't see beyond the event horizons of their own assholes Surlyboi
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Merusk
Terracotta Army
Posts: 27449
Badge Whore
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Disturbing I Have Never Known Where the Line Is
Dude #1: This one girl I hooked up with once made me choke her and shit when we fucked. She wanted to struggle, and I had to pry her legs open and hold her down. And she cried afterward.
Dude #2, laughing: Dude... Are you sure you weren't raping this girl?
Dude #1, laughing: Man, fuck you. [Abruptly stops laughing, pales] ... Fuck, man... |
The past cannot be changed. The future is yet within your power.
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Strazos
Greetings from the Slave Coast
Posts: 15542
The World's Worst Game: Curry or Covid
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Pure Comedic Platinum.
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Fear the Backstab!
"Plato said the virtuous man is at all times ready for a grammar snake attack." - we are lesion
"Hell is other people." -Sartre
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Fabricated
Moderator
Posts: 8978
~Living the Dream~
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Conductor: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, this is your conductor. It seems that many of you enjoy cramming into this train as if there is not another one directly behind us. But I understand, for I am a very sexy conductor, and everyone wants to be on my train. If you do, please stand clear of the doors. Thank you.
--6 train, 59th St |
"The world is populated in the main by people who should not exist." - George Bernard Shaw
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lamaros
Terracotta Army
Posts: 8021
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Girl: I'm looking for a play for school.
Bookseller: What's the name?
Girl: Antigen.
Bookseller: You mean Antigone?
Girl: What's the difference?
Bookseller: One's a play about a girl and her dead brother, and the other is a play that hasn't been written yet about carbohydrates and proteins.
Girl: Oh. The dead one, then. --Barnes & Noble, Court St. I wish i was there! |
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Samwise
Moderator
Posts: 19324
sentient yeast infection
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Conductor: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, this is your conductor. It seems that many of you enjoy cramming into this train as if there is not another one directly behind us. But I understand, for I am a very sexy conductor, and everyone wants to be on my train. If you do, please stand clear of the doors. Thank you.
--6 train, 59th St Heh, that sounds just like the guy who'd drive my morning bus some days when I was living in SF. He always brightened my day. |
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Yoru
Moderator
Posts: 4615
the y master, king of bourbon
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Conductor: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, this is your conductor. It seems that many of you enjoy cramming into this train as if there is not another one directly behind us. But I understand, for I am a very sexy conductor, and everyone wants to be on my train. If you do, please stand clear of the doors. Thank you.
--6 train, 59th St Heh, that sounds just like the guy who'd drive my morning bus some days when I was living in SF. He always brightened my day. I think he's driving the 10:05 AM N-line now. Whenever we pull up to a stop, he says stuff like "Hasta la vista, passengers! You have a nice day and remember, Muni loves you." Sometimes I'm a little late to work just to catch that train. :) |
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Evangolis
Contributor
Posts: 1220
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Heard the exact reverse of the Manager/Co-worker from my white boss working construction in Nebraska.
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"It was a difficult party" - an unexpected word combination from ex-Merry Prankster and author Robert Stone.
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Lantyssa
Terracotta Army
Posts: 20848
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My new favorite: Black girl: Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, and I'm just so hot that I wish I could fuck myself.
White girl: Oh my god, me too!
Black girl: Really, you look at yourself naked in the mirror, too?
White girl: No, I look at you in the mirror, silly. |
Hahahaha! I'm really good at this!
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Samwise
Moderator
Posts: 19324
sentient yeast infection
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Le brilliant. Mother to friend: So, I had a hot flash the other day, and I was like, 'Oh my god! Am I going through menopause?' and--
Son: --Mom! What does 'menopause' mean? [Mother ignores him.] If you don't tell me, I'll yell it in public until you do! |
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koboshi
Contributor
Posts: 304
Camping is a legitimate strategy.
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I’ve got to add one, not from NY mind you, first hand.
Waiting in line at Wawa at 2am with two energy drinks in hand the couple behind me starts talking to me, evidently oblivious of each other...
Girl over right shoulder: What are you buying?
Guy over left shoulder: Hey...
Girl over right shoulder: You know that won't work...
Guy over left shoulder: <just above a whisper> What are you… some kind of fireman?
Girl over right shoulder: Those two will just cancel each other out.
Stupid in one ear and surreal in the other, I’ve never taken drugs but I'm pretty sure that’s what LSD would feel like.
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-We must teach them Max!
Hey, where do you keep that gun?
-None of your damn business, Sam.
-Shall we dance?
-Lets!
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Sky
Terracotta Army
Posts: 32117
I love my TV an' hug my TV an' call it 'George'.
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I remember a couple months ago at our favorite restaurant there was a couple behind us that were both talking on their cell phones through the entire meal. He was making business calls about real estate, trying to get guys to get construction done; she was making personal calls about hair, nails, makeup, clothes, etc.
We have many of these moments that really make us appreciate each other. Like...every time we are forced to go to walmart. It's like a genetic freakshow.
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Paelos
Contributor
Posts: 27075
Error 404: Title not found.
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I remember a couple months ago at our favorite restaurant there was a couple behind us that were both talking on their cell phones through the entire meal. He was making business calls about real estate, trying to get guys to get construction done; she was making personal calls about hair, nails, makeup, clothes, etc.
We have many of these moments that really make us appreciate each other. Like...every time we are forced to go to walmart. It's like a genetic freakshow.
Walmart is like the state fair without funnel cakes. |
CPA, CFO, Sports Fan, Game when I have the time
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Dren
Terracotta Army
Posts: 2419
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I remember a couple months ago at our favorite restaurant there was a couple behind us that were both talking on their cell phones through the entire meal. He was making business calls about real estate, trying to get guys to get construction done; she was making personal calls about hair, nails, makeup, clothes, etc.
We have many of these moments that really make us appreciate each other. Like...every time we are forced to go to walmart. It's like a genetic freakshow.
Walmart is like the state fair without funnel cakes. And yet it still smells the same... |
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Sky
Terracotta Army
Posts: 32117
I love my TV an' hug my TV an' call it 'George'.
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Walmart is like the state fair without funnel cakes.
And yet it still smells the same... One of the skills I've picked up working at a public library is automatically holding my breath whenever I walk past someone. |
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Ironwood
Terracotta Army
Posts: 28240
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Six-year-old boy: Look, Daddy -- another Picasso!
Father: No, it isn't. You know better than that. Fucking Harsh. |
"Mr Soft Owl has Seen Some Shit." - Sun Tzu
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Murgos
Terracotta Army
Posts: 7474
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One of the skills I've picked up working at a public library is automatically holding my breath whenever I walk past someone.
Good thinking, wouldn't want anyone to get a contact high at the library. |
"You have all recieved youre last warning. I am in the process of currently tracking all of youre ips and pinging your home adressess. you should not have commencemed a war with me" - Aaron Rayburn
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Furiously
Terracotta Army
Posts: 7199
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One of the skills I've picked up working at a public library is automatically holding my breath whenever I walk past someone.
Good thinking, wouldn't want anyone to get a contact high at the library. I know the guy Sky is talking about. BO and sewage are not good for a contact high. |
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Dren
Terracotta Army
Posts: 2419
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This happens wherever, whenever...
Two weeks ago, northern midwest, 6 year old's hockey game. Man standing next to us. He looked clean and well dressed, but everytime time he opened his mouth to speak I had the urge to purge. I was very close to asking him if he seriously ate shit for breakfast that day.
Then I thought, "He may actually have some kind of throat rot caused by cancer and I'd feel really bad for asking..."
Either way, I'm actually on the verge of gagging now just thinking about it. And the rink was outdoors! With a decent wind!
Err, yeah, New York. What's up with that?
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Oban
Terracotta Army
Posts: 4662
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Palin 2012 : Let's go out with a bang!
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Fabricated
Moderator
Posts: 8978
~Living the Dream~
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These are great. Dude: Sitting here eating these Nerds is the best day of my life, ever. Well, this and my wedding day.
Flight attendant on intercom: Please turn off your cell phones, pagers, iPods, laptops... Basically, anything that is bringing you joy right now, just turn it off.
Conductor: This is Second Ave. Transfer here to the V train. Ladies and gentlemen, the V train across the platform will leave first. [Train empties out.] Psych! [F train leaves first.]
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"The world is populated in the main by people who should not exist." - George Bernard Shaw
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