f13.net

Pizza Hut's Buffalo Chicken Pizza.

So the little woman wanted pizza last night, and had a hankering to experiment with this particularly bizarre sounding pizza pie. Thankfully, Pizza Hut had a special that gave you 1 of these mediums for $4.99 if you got a large of something else, so we got that.

Sweet Mother of Crap. This is the nastiest, most vile piece of culinary insult ever to splatter the ovens of America's most popular shitty pizza delivery service. Chickens, buffalos and anyone with taste buds everywhere should be picketing the restaurants to get them to bury this travesty six feet under then seal the hole with fucking concrete.

Now, I like spicy food, even spicy chicken wings. I enjoy good Cajun food, which can sometimes burn the paint off a wall with its spicy goodness. However, there is spicy and there is "OMFG MY FACE IS ON FIRE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHGHGH!!"

And when I say this shit is spicy, I mean the latter kind, the kind that isn't tasty in anyway, it's just hot. It's like a bottle of tabasco sauce crapped a rainbow in my mouth. I can only imagine the taste to be not unlike performing oral sex on a demoness in hell, while Hitler performs some naughty acts in your nether regions. You do not taste chicken. You do not taste crust. You do not taste cheese. You taste HOT SPICY SHITTY PEPPER TASTE. After 1 1/2 pieces (because I'm such a cheap bastard I was determined to eat the shit) and 4 glasses of apple juice, my lips were still burning. I finally had to shitcan the whole box and focus on the good pizza we ordered.

Do not spend money on this trash. You will regret it.

Apple juice doesn't do shit, you need milk and bread (particularly wonder or whole wheat). Now, I'm a complete whore for dems hot foods, and if this is as hot as you say I'm going to have to try one. That "MY FACE IS ON FIRE" moment is when spicy starts tasting good to me. If I don't like it though, there truly is something horribly wrong with the pizza. Will order one tomorrow and report back.

Damnit, too many carbs for me but I loooooooove spicy stuff.  Like "extra spicy" at the local Thai resturant spicy stuff when I still have to ask for the spicy tray and add more of that red powder of death shit they have..

Cevik, you should try to find yourself a burmese restaraunt. I've only been to a couple, but they both had this little plant with red peppers growing on it. I'm sure there's a joint near you and if they have the plant ask to try one.

Like I said above. I LOVE HOT. But this, mother of god, this resulted in what I seriously believed to be a molten lava enema FOR 8 HOURS. It was absolutely amazing. I think I lost 10 lbs, found taste buds I didn't know existed, and had a nasal drip for about 2 weeks. If anything tasted like burning, it was that. My entire face with just numb with pain. Awesome.

I am in the hotter is better camp. However, Pizza Hut's track record leads me to believe that this will suck even if it as spicy as Haemish reports. I do have to admit that I am now officially intrigued.

Does it have buffalo sauce instead of pizza sauce?

See, like I said, this wasn't GOOD spicy, this was just spicy for the sake of spicy. It was totally nasty.

I love the red shit you put in some Chinese soups, some kind of pepper sauce that only a little bit makes you breathe through your eyelids.

This stuff was nothing like that.

(http://www.huyfong.com/images/sriracha.jpg)

Is this the stuff? This rules in pho and over teriyaki.

I have eaten one of these, it was spicy but not as bad Haemish says.  I did like the Philly Cheese Steak Pizza from Domminos better though

That just sounds fucking repulsive. I have never once eaten a sandwitch and thought to myself "you know what, this would taste great on a pizza."

Domino's pizza will always suck until they quit using that psuedo-cheese that resembles melted plastic grocery bags. I have never voluntarily ordered Domino's pizza (I got stuck with it a couple of times in college and swore it would never happen again).



Mmmmm Reuben pizza. I think I just broke my appetite thinking about that one. /shudder

Do you guys have Papa Murphy's take and bake pizza up there in sunny Seattle?  That's my favorite pizza by far..

Their(Dominoes') thin crust pizza is great.  The rest of their pizza to me is barely edible.  But the thin crust they make is every bit as good at Pizza Hut's and with about half the grease.

Papa John's takes the cake for sheer grossness.  Their cheese resembles something that would likely be found in the construction of Michael Jackson's nose.  That shit just isn't organic.  In college I could eat about a piece before I'd feel like I was eating astroturf with sauce and have to hold back the urge to vomit (well, it was free).

See, I don't really have anything against Dominos.  It's just a serviceable pizza; nothing special, but not in any way horrible either.  No, the pizza I reserve my hatred for is Little Caesar's.  That is such absolute garbage that I'm amazed they've stayed in business as long as they have.  It's a shame, too, because I believe in supporting anything even marginally Red Wings related, but I cannot stand that garbage.  I'd rather just bake some frozen grocery store pizza than eat that shit.

ETA:  As to Papa John's, yeah their pizza isn't too great either, but their garlic butter dip is the fucking bomb.  I swing by there just to buy the garlic butter for other food.

We had a Papa Murphys when I lived in Milwaukee, that was some good shit.  I'm not sure if there is any in the Nashville Area.

Just to be a pedant, I just wanted to point out, that the experience you get from eating hot peppers has nothing to do with your taste buds.
It's the pain receptors that's talkin' to you.

And spicy food may be invented elsewhere, but when it comes to the science and development of hot peppers, the US has the world beat (this is coming from someone who imports seeds from California, just to get the right selection for the kitchen)

I LOVE Papa Murphy's...my only complaint is that they don't deliver. I would be happy to cook the thing myself if they brought it out. That being said- I choose Papa Murphy's unless it is 9 PM and I am too lazy to go out and get anything to eat and am forced to get delivery pizza.

Apple juice?  There's your problem.  If you're going to have buffalo wing anything, you need to wash it down with beer!

Those tiny red peppers are hot as hell.  I saw them a lot in dishes when I was in Thailand.  One time I ate a whole raw one.  The only reason I did this was because I bet this girl, who was on the same trip, to eat one if I did.  I hated this girl and I was willing to take the heat just to see her in agony :)

Lol, my Mom grows those things in her garden (I'm Half-Thai). I grew up with "fucking HOT food". I can eat any other pepper raw, as if their cucumbers, after being raised with that stuff.

The worst of it was that if I pissed him off, my brother used to torture me with those things: Sometimes when I'd be sleeping or chilling out, I'd be interrupted with him pinning me down, rubbing dried chili peppers on my face. Let me just say that that is far worse than it may sound (needless to say, but I don't speak to my brother much these days either).

BTW: The perfect remedy is rice (pretty useless though when it's all over your fucking face).

Ok, time to add some science.

The chemical commonly found in spicy food is capsaicin (read  here (http://faq.gardenweb.com/faq/lists/pepper/2002075348029538.html))
This is a fat soluble molecule that is best diluted by eating or drinking something else with fat (like milk as suggested above).  So, if you eat something too spicy or get peppers rubbed on your face (that sucks man, especially if it gets in your eyes... OUCH!), use something fatty to decrease the severity.

Ahhh... science comes to the rescue to explain my Crisco fetish.

This problem is shared by the Philly Cheesesteak Pizza, but the problem isn't so much that the taste is horrible - its that you have about 8 to 10 slices of it.

Both pizzas I have had, and both pizzas I have enjoyed the first slice of, but halfway into my second slice, my stomach decided it had its fill of cleverly flavored pizza and kindly suggested that if I downed one more bite, it was all coming back out.

Both pizzas would make a great PERSONAL PAN PIZZA, but a whole pie of this? blech.

Yea, the Philly Cheesesteak pizza tasted great. I don't know how they did it or what black magic they used, but I do not think it was made from anything found on Earth.

Hence, the advent of ranch dipping sauce to compliment buffalo wings. Eating any variety of buffalo chicken without ranch is basically saying "I want to taste nothing but this fucking hot spicy ass buffalo sauce for the next hour".

Bring the noise.
Cheers...............

So you've never ordered a single Papa Murphy's?

There are some occasions when I am so close to a Papa Murphy's that my proximity and my hunger overcome my overwhelming laziness, so I have, in fact, eaten Papa Murphy's.

As a matter of fact, I am pretty damned sure I have eaten one with you, Furiously! It is always PM or Sub Shop #8 subs for gaming, after all.

eaten != ordered...

So does that mean one should lube up with Crisco in preparation for a dump after a night of eating spicy wings?

I prefer to squat in a bowl of mint ice cream. Seems to do the trick.

I know this thread isn't about Shadowbane, but does playing City of Heroes help with the burning?

Hunger and morbid curiousity have overcome me. I just ordered a Buffalo Chicken pizza. Stand by for a report on exactly how fowl (Ha!) it is.

I'll be ordering one as well most likely.

That was a few hours ago. How are you holding up?

oh shit, forgot about the post. Called pizza hut 10 minutes after close. Ordering tomorrow. I may frontpage a review on it. Why? Because I haven't beaten any games to review. Though I may writeup La Pucelle soon. I'm near the end.

I didn't hate it as much as Haemish did, but wasn't overly impressed. Got it on thin crust, which made it really friggin' dry. I soon remembered why I quit ordering from Pizza Hut in the first place.

I can't tell if the pizza was shitty or if it was just the average Hut shittiness I was tasting. My poor belly is not too enthused so far. I'll keep any late night restroom emergency details to myself. Mint ice cream on standby!

I don't understand you people.  Someone takes the time to make an extra special post warning you NOT to eat some horrible peetzzah shit and what is the first thing you do?  You are all insane.

Here's my advice:

Don't drink the bleach that's under the kitchen sink.  It really tastes awful.

Wow, I'm almost interested in this pizza now.

Pizza Hut is my favorite pizza place, but I never get to order from there since all the locations are on the other side of town. It's usually just Papa John's (okay) or Dominos (again, okay. Crust tastes like styrofoam though).

Damn you all to hell. I'm craving some Blazin' wings from BW3 now.

In my last job I'd eat out almost every day.   It wasn't too good on the pocketbook (I don't want to think about how much better that money would have been applied towards college), but I became quite the eating out gourmet.    (Amazing I managed to escape with only 220 lbs under my belt.)

I have to say that when I'm looking for hot and spicy, I'd visit the local Samurai Sams (http://www.samuraisams.net/) and use one of those chinese hot mustard packets on my chicken and steak rice bowl.     Though admittedly it's a little hard to savor how spicy it is when your taste buds and half your face is temporarily paralyzed.

A Baja Fresh (http://www.bajafresh.com/) Burrito Mexicano Spicey made with hot sauce and with extra hot sauce is pretty good along those lines too.   (They're very dry, so you'll definately want some extra sauce to moisten them up.    The Burrito Ultimos are better for just regular eating, you can eat them without the extra sauce without gagging from lack of moisture.)

That said, haven't tried the Buffalo Chicken at Pizza Hut.   Rarely do have Buffalo Chicken Wings, really.   Too much bone, too little meat for my liking.

See, I've had Reuben pizza, and though it doesn't sound appetizing, it really is pretty good. I'm not sure if I could eat a whole pizza of it, but by the slice, it's pretty damn good.

I know that milk would help ease the spicy, I just didn't expect the shit to be that spicy. I've had buffalo wings that aren't all that spicy, just the slight tickling and warmth you get from well-spiced foods. So I had my normal apple juice (I try to drink mostly juice or juice blends instead of soda nowadays and my prostate thanks me) instead of milk. I should have just not ordered the shit, but we wanted to try it.

I just pretty much don't like any of the pizza places we have down here. Dominos is ok, but only with that thin cracker crust they have. Pizza Hut is always too greasy. Papa John's best quality is that garlic butter dipping sauce you use to flavor the "pizza bones" with. Little Caesar's .... meh.

I so wish I could just order up an Abate's Pizza. If you are ever in New Haven, Connecticut, you must do three things for your tummy. Visit the Long Wharf during the day and get a bazillion hot dogs from a truck vendor named Sweeney. He's there every day and my god, there is no heaven like that of a Sweeney's Hot dog, whatever way you like hot dogs. Secondly, order yourself a pizza of any type from Abate's pizza. They make good classic Italian pizza pie, thin crust, not overloaded with toppings like most delivery franchise pizza. Third, get an appetizer of fried calamari with the pizza.

If I ever find myself in New Haven, CT the first thing I'll do is think to myself:

"What in the holy fuck am I doing in New Haven."

Depending on the medical reasons for switching to juice, you may want to consider getting away from that as well. Fruit juice isn't much better than soda in terms of sugar content. It's somewhat less acidic, thanks to the absence of caffeine. IIRC, soda and coffee have a tendency to cause kidney stones for some folks.

Water and unsweetened iced tea are my main liquid staples nowadays, with the occasional glass of wine, mixed drink, milk, diet soda, or sugar free drink mix (i.e. Kool Aid, Crystal Light).

/derail

Bring the noise.
Cheers.................

There's a joint near me that makes an awesome taco pizza. It's got  little chunks of chorizo and ground beef with crushed tortilla chips and a mystery taco sauce. After it comes out of the oven they throw lettuce and tomatoe over it.
It's fuggin mint.
I usually chow the whole thing adding some red hot on it and then stay pinned in my easy chair for an hour while it digests.

Dear lord, then you're probably pinned to the john for another hour while it plays the conga on your colon. And anything that has "mystery sauce" and mexican in the same item should be taken seriously. Anything the mexicans consider a mystery can't be healthy.

Can you Fed Ex one to me? That sounds awesome. Taco pizzas done right are da bomb, yo.

Caffeine plays hell with the prostate. Some fruit juices, especially cranberry juice (or a mixed variant thereof) helps with that. After having had a prostate infection many years ago, I can tell you without any hesitation that you do not ever want to have one. Ever. It's just like a kidney infection, except it only hurts men. And it hurts like a motherfucker. When I had it, the doctor told me to lay off caffeinated beverages, especially soda. In the months prior to the infection, I had been doing some stupid things to my body, including average sleep times of about 4 hours a night, as well as sucking down 1-liter bottles of Mountain Dew with every meal except breakfast and many times in between. All that caffeine and sugar kept me awake, zipping like a fucking crank addict and played hell with my waterworks. After that, I swore off soda for like a year and showed a marked improvement.

For those men wishing to avoid prostate problems (and I would if I were you) later in life, heed the juice.

The preceding message gave you entirely too much insight into my pants, but there you go. I suffer for us all.

I must have caffeine in the morning to prevent myself from going on a shooting spree. However, I balance my caffeine intake with copious amounts of Talking Rain water (at work) or ice water (at home). I have heard horror stories about kidney stones and other <ahem> tract issues, and I want exactly zero part of any of them.

It's a mystery to me but if I paid attention to those spanish classes it might not be. Then again some things are better off left unknown. I can usually walk away from spicy food unscathed. The thing that ruins me is Kentucky Fried Chicken. Eat that for dinner and by 3 in the morning I'm buckled over. My body is so anti KFC it performs a complete system purge usually requiring me to stay within 20 yds of a toilet well into the next day .

I'm about to sit down to 14 episodes of West Wing and a Buffalo Pizza from Pizza Hut. Details later tonight - that is if my ass hasn't melted to the toilet. But I think it's safe to assume Haemish is a pussy.

Ok, yea, it's official - Haemish is a big culinary pussy. So if any of us ever meet him we shouldn't take him somewhere that puts pepper on food.

In his defence, The Buffalo Chicken pizza is COVERED IN BUFFALO SAUCE. And I know some people can handle some hots but buffalo sauce does get to them. So there's a chance it was just that. I mean it's oozing off the pizza.

I'm a whore for buffalo sauce. And I like this pizza.

Hey I like buffalo sauce on buffalo wings. I likes the hot... you should see the chili I eat. But this shit just tasted nasty, and not at all in the vein of "Things I'd like to eat again."

The possibility strikes me that they might have just screwed up the Buffalo Chicken you ordered that night.    I don't know if they just get the wings out of a package and drop it in a deep-fat frier like a common deli or actually prepare the Buffalo Chicken sauce on location.    If the later possibility, somebody might have mucked up the formula.

Don't do it, Haemish!  It's a trick!  They are all obviously trying to fool you into ordering another.  Nicely set up and well co-ordinated joke... but you are much too clever to fall into that trap... aren't you?

Oh, tricky, Signe's trying to trick Haemish into ordering the Buffalo Chicken by not ordering it.   Subtle, very zen.

Don't worry, no amount of tortue, coercion or bribery will get me to eat that filth on crust again.

Ok, maybe bribery. I accept all denominations, but quantity must be large.

I donate 10,000 chicken fajitas.

Where from are these mysterious chicken fa-jitas that you speak of?

Family Guy. It's the most expensive meal I've ever bought.

Screw you and your HORRIBLE mential picture.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!