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Title: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: schild on June 29, 2005, 11:17:26 PM (http://www.f13.net/sicko/bloodrayne.jpg)
Directed by Uwe Boll Credited cast: Kristanna Loken .... Rayne Michael Madsen .... Vladimir Matthew Davis .... Sebastian (as Matt Davis) Michelle Rodriguez .... Katarin Ben Kingsley .... Kagan Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: MrHat on June 29, 2005, 11:21:23 PM Uwe Boll.
Dare you to say it the third time. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Jdub on June 29, 2005, 11:26:21 PM Uwe Derek Boll Smart UWE Derek BOLL Smart UWE DEREK BOLL SMART
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: schild on June 29, 2005, 11:29:11 PM Famine should be knocking at your door any minute now. He'll have 3 friends with him. I suggest NOT trying to resist. It'll just hurt more.
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: MrHat on June 29, 2005, 11:31:33 PM The message body was left empty.
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Murgos on June 30, 2005, 05:14:11 AM Ben Kingsly looks like he is getting ready to cry.
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Ironwood on June 30, 2005, 05:17:41 AM Ben Kingsly looks like he is getting ready to pay the mortgage. A lot of people seem to forget that it's a job like any other... Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Samprimary on June 30, 2005, 05:42:23 AM Oh, god.
Call me when Uwe has finally hunted down and killed every last atom of video game movie credibility. If we aren't already there. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Murgos on June 30, 2005, 05:54:57 AM Ben Kingsly looks like he is getting ready to pay the mortgage. A lot of people seem to forget that it's a job like any other... Condescending prick. I thought FIFY crap was bannable? Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Johny Cee on June 30, 2005, 05:58:53 AM I've always wanted to see someone spiral down into madness....
Quick, someone post an excerpt from Piers Anthony's latest! Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Ironwood on June 30, 2005, 06:01:51 AM Settle down there. You seem to be having a bad day.
I've spent the weekend in the company of various actors and been listening to the stories (one poor girl was in Batman Begins and regaled me with a few tales, the most important of which is that her 'scene' - if you want to call it that - got left on the cutting floor. Shame). However, my point is valid - a lot of people seem to take the whole 'they are artists, struggling for their art and cutting whole cloth from the tapestry of media' thing a little too seriously. (can you think of anyone here that fits the bill ?) It's nice sometimes to be reminded that, despite occasionally scoring multi-million pound deals and winning awards to the acclaim of millions, that these guys are getting up in the morning and making faces to pay the bills. Just like the rest of us. However, in the interests of keeping 'teh hate' flowing : Fuck you, you complete cockmunch. Seriously, Go fuck yourself you undressed wank. Awa, dare I add, and bile yer heid. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: MrHat on June 30, 2005, 06:26:27 AM Settle down there. You seem to be having a bad day. I've spent the weekend in the company of various actors and been listening to the stories (one poor girl was in Batman Begins and regaled me with a few tales, the most important of which is that her 'scene' - if you want to call it that - got left on the cutting floor. Shame). However, my point is valid - a lot of people seem to take the whole 'they are artists, struggling for their art and cutting whole cloth from the tapestry of media' thing a little too seriously. (can you think of anyone here that fits the bill ?) It's nice sometimes to be reminded that, despite occasionally scoring multi-million pound deals and winning awards to the acclaim of millions, that these guys are getting up in the morning and making faces to pay the bills. Just like the rest of us. However, in the interests of keeping 'teh hate' flowing : Fuck you, you complete cockmunch. Seriously, Go fuck yourself you undressed wank. Awa, dare I add, and bile yer heid. By the way, he's knighted too. Sir Kingsley. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Signe on June 30, 2005, 07:26:26 AM Why is everyone picking on Ben Kingsley? Geez, you people, he used to be Ghandi!
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: TheWalrus on June 30, 2005, 07:43:14 AM Chick looks a lil chubby to be playin Rayne. Just sayin.
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: MrHat on June 30, 2005, 07:46:55 AM Chick looks a lil chubby to be playin Rayne. Just sayin. No tits either. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Fargull on June 30, 2005, 07:59:27 AM The guy on the right looks like a casting extra from Dumb and Dumber... and yes, she looks about as gothic as a dixie chick...
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Yegolev on June 30, 2005, 08:01:52 AM Chubby? Madsen is chubby.
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Soukyan on June 30, 2005, 08:05:33 AM Why is everyone picking on Ben Kingsley? Geez, you people, he used to be Ghandi! Who's Ghandi? I knew a Gandhi once. He's dead now. ;) Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Furiously on June 30, 2005, 08:06:18 AM http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0398913/
Here. For a little spike of hope. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: jpark on June 30, 2005, 08:10:41 AM Settle down there. You seem to be having a bad day. I've spent the weekend in the company of various actors and been listening to the stories (one poor girl was in Batman Begins and regaled me with a few tales, the most important of which is that her 'scene' - if you want to call it that - got left on the cutting floor. Shame). Do tell - maybe you could include this in the batman thread - I would be interested to hear. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Murgos on June 30, 2005, 08:48:31 AM I like that Ironwood meets an extra who has her scene chopped and I have to suddenly be polite in referencing 'Sir' Ben Kinglsy's facial expressions?
So what if he did it for a paycheck? His IMAGE ON THE BOX does not look happy to be there. Get it yet? It is possible that he did it for a paycheck AND wishes he hadn't and regrets it - you know? IF the best image they can get of him in costume looks like he ate too many prunes then it probably says something about his state of mind and performance during the movie. Why the fuck am I explaining this? Oh, yeah because Ironwood needed to work his hollywood liason into the conversation even if it involved using a crowbar. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: RhyssaFireheart on June 30, 2005, 08:50:04 AM Guy on the right has this "Please don't hurt me, I really, really needed the money" look on his face. And it looks like he's got this funky mullet thing going on, too.
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Fargull on June 30, 2005, 09:16:18 AM That is a mullet? I thought it was a bad wig. Hope the poor guy does not actually have that hair.
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Merusk on June 30, 2005, 09:22:40 AM This movie couldn't possibly cause Haemish physical harm. I've got one for you.
Quenten Tarinto presents an Uwe Boll film, written by George Lucas and starring Tom Cruise, Roseanne Barr, and -through the CGI Wizadry of ILM- John Wayne. SB.EXE: The Movie That'd do him in. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: schild on June 30, 2005, 09:37:36 AM http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0398913/ Here. For a little spike of hope. Devon Aoki isn't hot enough and doesn't have the titties to play Kasumi. I predict massive failure. (I still want it to be good though). Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: AOFanboi on June 30, 2005, 10:09:57 AM His IMAGE ON THE BOX does not look happy to be there. Er, Kingsley never looks happy. Not in Dave, not in Schindler's List, not in Death and the Maiden. Etc. You get the drift. It's as he's always thinking "I could have been a world-renown pianist but noooo!" or something like that.Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Mr_PeaCH on June 30, 2005, 10:24:20 AM This movie couldn't possibly cause Haemish physical harm. I've got one for you. Quenten Tarinto presents an Uwe Boll film, written by George Lucas and starring Tom Cruise, Roseanne Barr, and -through the CGI Wizadry of ILM- John Wayne. SB.EXE: The Movie That'd do him in. Yep, that'd do it. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Dren on June 30, 2005, 10:28:26 AM The girl looks trailer park dumpy and not cool. She also looks like she is lost, not a viscious cold blooded killer. Did they even play the game before they raped it?
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: HaemishM on June 30, 2005, 11:37:41 AM No, no, see I'm immune to any of the damage this thread should have caused, because I'VE SEEN THE FUCKING TRAILER OF THIS STINKPILE.
Oh God, it's not even House of the Dead worthy. I weep for Michael Madsen, who could have traded all the cred from his performance in Reservoir Dogs for a serious action movie thing, and instead chose to do Species and other such illustrious movies, as well as ESPN's Poker show. I WEEP I TELL YOU. Though it could be worse, he could be Tom Sizemore and be forced to wear the worst Mo wig EVER as Pete Rose in Hustle. So he's got that going for him. But Ben Kingsley. He has NO EXCUSE for being in this movie. There are very few things he couldn't be cast as, and yet he seems bound and determined to be in this movie. His agent should be committing hari kari for ever having taken Uwe's call. And Bloodrayne? Luckily, it isn't like this franchise has any respecibility whatsoever. The first game was decent, but then they decided that the main character should show her pixelated boobies in Playboy to promote the sequel. Thank you, Idoru, but no. That's just retarded. Of course, add on that Uwe can't even get the fucking setting right (you know, that whole 1930's Louisiana not bearing ANY GODDAMN RESEMBLENCE to whatever 17th century Eastern Europeon Fuckelsvania they decided to set it in) and you have a recipe for EBOLA IN A DIXIE CUP WITH A CHASER OF EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Fabricated on June 30, 2005, 11:49:22 AM Jesus Christ, Rayne is a total butterface.
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: NiX on June 30, 2005, 11:50:48 AM You forgot to put that last line in big bold red, Haem.
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: HaemishM on June 30, 2005, 11:56:17 AM I did, but Bloodrayne is a vampire, and she sucked it dry by mistake.
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Fargull on June 30, 2005, 12:10:30 PM With Thunderbirds and now Bloodrayne, I keep thinking maybe Kingsly is a huge closet nerd and just has no sense of what works in a script on nerd specific movies. Thunderbirds was not bad strictly as a kid movie.
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: ahoythematey on June 30, 2005, 12:20:19 PM Maybe Kingsley has become a scientologist.
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Jdub on June 30, 2005, 12:41:31 PM What the hell did Uwe do to Kristanna Loken, btw? She was the female terminator in T3, and she was good looking once upon a time...
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Furiously on June 30, 2005, 12:41:53 PM How did she look hot in the terminator is my question...
edit - damn you Jdub. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Yegolev on June 30, 2005, 12:42:38 PM Maybe Kingsley has become a scientologist. He might get better parts if he was. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Shockeye on June 30, 2005, 12:44:09 PM I always get Michael Madsen and that dude with the fake penis who beat up Heidi Fleiss confused.
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Signe on June 30, 2005, 01:09:11 PM Nearly everyone loves Sean Connery but he's also proof that some people just can't say no. Maybe Ben Kingsley is the same way. I saw an interview once with Sean Connery and he said, as a defense, that he felt it was better to be working than looking for work. I suppose some people will take nearly anything if it's all that's on the table.
Silly people... why work if you don't have to? If I had as much money as Connery, I'd say no to everything. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Riggswolfe on June 30, 2005, 01:45:20 PM Sean Connery has said no to lots of stuff. He turned down the part of Gandalf in Lord of the Rings for instance. Problem is, he either has no clue what will be a good movie or has the worst agent in the world. Next to Ben Kingsley's.
I have also seen the trailer Haemish. It was 5 minutes. Which was about 4 and a 1/2 minutes too long. Which is weird. I liked the actress in T3. I like Michael Madsen. This trailer made me want to pull my intestines out of my own anus and strangle myself with them. Coming soon, Spiderman 3 by Uwe Boll. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: NiX on June 30, 2005, 03:35:50 PM Coming soon, Spiderman 3 by Uwe Boll. You filthy bastard! TAKE THAT BACK! Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Abagadro on June 30, 2005, 03:46:30 PM I'm just anxiously awaiting Dungeon Siege with bated breath.
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Polysorbate80 on June 30, 2005, 03:55:01 PM The girl looks trailer park dumpy and not cool. She also looks like she is lost, not a viscious cold blooded killer. Did they even play the game before they raped it? I was thinking "Alyson Hannigan with Down's Syndrome", myself Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: WayAbvPar on June 30, 2005, 04:00:18 PM I'm just anxiously awaiting Dungeon Siege with bated breath. Thank you for being the first person EVAR on the Internet to spell this correctly. Well, other than me =) Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: schild on June 30, 2005, 05:42:07 PM I'm just anxiously awaiting Dungeon Siege with bated breath. Thank you for being the first person EVAR on the Internet to spell this correctly. Well, other than me =) How the fuck else do you spell it? I've never seen anyone spell it wrong. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Signe on June 30, 2005, 05:51:52 PM Most people say 'baited' breath. It's an old fisherman's joke... or muff divers joke... or something. I think.
Anyway, it's almost never spelled correctly. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Samwise on June 30, 2005, 06:37:41 PM Some of my other favorites are "bare with me for a second here" and "I'm going to pour over this and get back to you".
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Trippy on June 30, 2005, 11:42:00 PM I'm just anxiously awaiting Dungeon Siege with bated breath. I can sort of understand why Hollywood continues to give work to this guy -- with rentals and DVD sales these days even crappy low-budget movies can make at least some money for studios -- but why on earth would they allow this guy to direct a $60 million dollar movie (http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20050701/film_nm/film_dungeon_dc;_ylt=A9FJqYt84cRC0EEBRwBxFb8C;_ylu=X3oDMTBiMW04NW9mBHNlYwMlJVRPUCUl)? That's mind-boggling.Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Arnold on July 01, 2005, 12:59:20 AM Some of my other favorites are "bare with me for a second here" and "I'm going to pour over this and get back to you". What about "galdang"? WTF? Or, "I don't want to hear any more of your dribble." Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Furiously on July 01, 2005, 07:22:15 AM Loken signed up with him again?????
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: HaemishM on July 01, 2005, 09:34:23 AM I'm just anxiously awaiting Dungeon Siege with bated breath. I can sort of understand why Hollywood continues to give work to this guy -- with rentals and DVD sales these days even crappy low-budget movies can make at least some money for studios -- but why on earth would they allow this guy to direct a $60 million dollar movie (http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20050701/film_nm/film_dungeon_dc;_ylt=A9FJqYt84cRC0EEBRwBxFb8C;_ylu=X3oDMTBiMW04NW9mBHNlYwMlJVRPUCUl)? That's mind-boggling.Ok, now THAT causes me physical pain. I LIKE Jason Statham, though he has been cast in some truly bad movies over here, and generally misused to the nth degree. But an UWE BOLL FLICK? BASED ON DUNGEON SIEGE, a derivative clone of a deriviative hack and slash game? GAHHHH FUCK ME! I eagerly await word that Dungeon Siege will be based in modern day San Francisco, and Statham will pack twin pistols of death that he carries on his pack mule name Paco. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Furiously on July 01, 2005, 11:09:37 AM Someday the limited edition Uwe Boll DVD director's cut collection of his films will go for big money on Ebay.
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Abagadro on July 01, 2005, 11:26:53 AM I don't think "Hollywood" gives him any money (DS doesn't have a distributor for this reason). He executive produces most of this crap, so he likely gets most of his money directly from investors, likely in Germany. For some reason Germany provides MONUMENTAL tax advantages for producing films through German companies. I think these movies are all gigantic tax shelters.
EDIT: Here is an article about the German tax shelters and how Hollywood also uses them to generate profits: http://www.slate.com/id/2117309 Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Shockeye on July 01, 2005, 11:28:06 AM tax outhouses
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: HaemishM on July 01, 2005, 11:58:49 AM Goddamn. Uwe Boll is nothing but a tax-fraud scheme?
LE BRILLANT! Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Simond on July 01, 2005, 01:12:56 PM That's certainly the most plausible explaination I've heard.
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Samwise on July 01, 2005, 01:59:29 PM "So, in order for the scheme to work, we'd have to find a sure fire flop..."
(http://eyeonsoaps.com/soapjournal021803_files/image002.jpg) Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: TheWalrus on July 01, 2005, 06:19:06 PM Isn't that from House of the Dead?
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Jeff Kelly on July 02, 2005, 12:59:40 AM For some reason Germany provides MONUMENTAL tax advantages for producing films through German companies. I think these movies are all gigantic tax shelters. EDIT: Here is an article about the German tax shelters and how Hollywood also uses them to generate profits: http://www.slate.com/id/2117309 Yeah, that was one of the many stupid decisions of our administration. They wanted to boost the german movie business by providing tax cuts to movie projects and by creating a movie fund for those projects. The law involved was so badly made that subsequently every fucking hollywood studio got money out of this fund and was tax exempt in germany if they used some kind of german-based production company. Look at the poster of some hollywood blockbuster, there is a good chance that you'll find the logo of the "Deutsche Filmförderfond" (german movie fund) This won't work any longer however because the law got scarpped. We have a certain breed of totally stupid politicians, they have great ideas (or at least what they themselves deem great) but the laws they make are so buggy that you can hear most lawyers in germany cringe with frustration. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: AOFanboi on July 02, 2005, 01:31:48 AM "So, in order for the scheme to work, we'd have to find a sure fire flop..." Ach, das Ironi!(http://eyeonsoaps.com/soapjournal021803_files/image002.jpg) Then again, apparently this little gem (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0318627/) is among the most popular UMD titles. Sony fans are incomprehensible sometimes. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Trippy on July 02, 2005, 02:55:04 AM Then again, apparently this little gem (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0318627/) is among the most popular UMD titles. Sony fans are incomprehensible sometimes. What's not to like about Sienna Guillory as Jill Valentine (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0347149/photogallery-ss-0)?Edit: changed wording Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Teleku on July 04, 2005, 07:13:28 PM Off of the IMDB page for Dungeon Siege:
Burt Reynolds .... King Konreid Now how could this movie possibly be bad? Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: schild on July 04, 2005, 07:33:09 PM Burt Reynolds .... King Konreid Now how could this movie possibly be bad? Quote from: IMDB Directed by Uwe Boll It's on the internet. It seems IMDB knows Uwe Bolls true form. Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: AOFanboi on July 05, 2005, 08:50:27 AM Burt Reynolds .... King Konreid Dungeons and Dragons had Jeremy "The Mission" Irons in it. Just mentioning. See you forgot your sarcasm green.Now how could this movie possibly be bad? Then again Irons does tend to end up in not exactly art fare (http://uk.imdb.com/title/tt0268695/) most of the time. Okay, how about Raul Julia in Streetfighter? Bob Hoskins in Super Mario Brothers? Tom Hanks and Anne Francis in this little stinker (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084314/)? Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: WindupAtheist on July 05, 2005, 10:46:24 AM The Time Machine wasn't that bad. I actually thought the Goth morlock king Irons played was kinda cool, and should have been used for more than ten minutes.
Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: Samwise on July 09, 2005, 05:59:31 PM Or, "I don't want to hear any more of your dribble." Another one: "sorted past". Title: Re: Dear Haemish: We Wish To Cause You Physical Harm Post by: WindupAtheist on July 10, 2005, 06:39:10 AM Oh, my biggest complaint about Time Machine: A twenty megaton bomb blows the moon into chunks? Look up gravitational binding energy, assholes!
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