f13.net

First trailer out - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfJVoF5ko1Y
December 2016.

Spanish inquisition and Kanya West  :uhrr:

Looking forward to watching this with a bucket of doritos and a 2L of mountain dew.

2L of Meth couldn't make this look good.

Shrooms. Or maybe mescaline. Not acid, you'd try to jump off the roof of the theater.

--Dave

That really just highlights how bad the whole "Animus" cyberpunk part of the plot was fucking terrible.

I hope there's a fifteen minute scene of Fassbinder walking slowly around the Abstergo offices looking at computer terminals and post-it notes.

So, what's the RottenTomatoes over under on this one? 25%?

Holy shit that looks bad. Would have been better to just go all the way and cast Keanu in it, but he probably has standards these days.

It really does.

A lot of plots that work well in the context of video games don't work well in other mediums, and Assassin's Creed doesn't even have a particular good plot to begin with.

They hook some guy up to a machine that allows him to like...jump around in 3D space so that he can re-enact, uh, genetically coded memories of past lives or some shit? For some reason?

In the video game it's just some sci-fi bullshit to add a twist on what would otherwise be Ye Olde Timey Adveture Game, in a movie it feels really weird.

I always felt that cyberpunk plot part was just a tagged on distraction. It certainly felt that way narratively, and as far as the gameplay in the future world, it was non-existent. I'm not sure why they ever included it. I was much more interested in medieval assassin simulator than future criminal dude who's plugged into a medieval assassin simulator.

I never played that game and that trailer confused me. Is Fassbender controlling a real assassin or not? What for? Why did this movie need Fasbender at all?

Machine is used to go into his past lives to recreate what happened I think?  I never got into the AC series myself.

Some evil corporation kidnaps the main character and hooks him up to some machine that can through the power of magic retrieve the memories of past generations. This guy is the descendent of some assassins. In the first game there is some macguffin they hope to find by having the guy relieve his past memories.  In the game the machine also is just like a table they hook him up to and it's like dreaming, but whatever.

The story was the weakest part of the Assassin's Creed games and this movie looks just awful.

I have sporadically enjoyed this series of games (gonna play the newest one soon) but I can't think of a framing device in a game that I have hated more than the Assassin's Creed one. Every time I have to come out of the past in these fucking things I stop playing for a few days until I can bear to endure that bullshit in order to get back to what's fun. I not only hate the gameplay of those intervals, such as it is, I hate the very idea of the whole thing. All of it. It's like being told I have to stop having sex on the beach so that I can go get a root canal.

I like this game, we really should do pools for this sort of thing.  Just as the fantasy league is making the latest season of GoT entertaining no matter what actually happens on screen.   :awesome_for_real:

Yes in the games you are just recalling past memories from ancestors, you aren't actually "acting out" things yourself. The trailer makes it looks like Fassbender's character is acting out memories in "real-life".

In the game it worked as an excuse to move time forward, basically, to avoid the "6 months later" subtitle. It never bothered me, but I can see why others would hate it.

I would put large amounts of money on the logic being that the game seemed too samey and generic and that they needed a "Unique Selling Point."


Yes, and also provided things like mission fails due to "de-synching", an in-game explanation for how you can die but try again, etc. It allows for a lot of the more "gamey" elements to have an in-world explanation. (Though that explanation is really dumb)

It's my understanding that the later games have leaned less and less on the modern-times stuff, so I think even Ubi realizes that it doesn't add much to the franchise.

Yeah, it's shifted from "you are Desmond Miles, reliving his ancestors genetic memories" to a first person "you, the player, are reliving someone else's genetic memories" which I find a lot less convoluted.

It's still pretty terrible and generally harmful to the game narrative, though.  I just finished AC Unity and the modern day plot is basically:

Seems about right :why_so_serious:

(http://i.imgur.com/Vryixvm.png)

What's funny is they probably could have had an interesting plot for the movie if they just ignored modern times and made Altair the full protagonist.

This is a joke, right?

There was nothing wrong with Altiar. Hell he was a moral philosopher compared with, say, the protagonist of God of War.

The only reason they are setting it in the time of the Spanish Inquisition rather than the Crusades is that its a lot safer to bash Catholics than potentially piss off Muslims.  :oh_i_see:

This right here. I ragequit the original almost immediately when I found out that was the plot device, and only gave the 2nd one a look after extreme encouragement from coworkers that amounted to "ignore the dumb story and stab people." This is a "Netflix and chill laugh at" at best.

The mythos in the AC games is far far worse than just the reliving memories plot device. The back story of the games, trying not to give too much away, actually revolves around god-like beings, the preservation/ressurection of their species and doomsday devices. Seriously.

That honestly makes me want to play the game more -- that it's more interesting than just jumping off buildings stabbing people.

I suppose I should get over it, but the only reason I haven't played the series is my crankiness towards Ubisoft. But I really really don't like having to sign into Uplay and the whole have to be always connected thing.

Yeah, I know. :dead_horse:

But none of this makes me want to see the movie at all.

If you want to play one of the games out of curiosity then AC2 is the best of them. AC4 is reputedly pretty good too, but I haven't played any of them bar 1 and 2.

But yeah there is this backstory of the backstory about Aliens and stuff that you probably are better off not thinking about.

The game would probably frustrate the hell out of you, then, since the weird alien stuff is generally only there to deliberately cocktease you through ten more hours of stabbing.  It's usually only ever mentioned in the last half hour or so and left on a cliffhanger so you'll buy the sequel in the hopes that they'll explain it (spoiler: nope).

It's written in the same way as something like the X-Files or Lost, where the authors obviously had kind of a vague idea of something at one point but it's been spun out way beyond the point they had planned and now they're kind of trying to hastily improvise what comes next without being too obvious about it.  The whole thing is "interesting" mainly because they tell you nothing and keep it all mysterious and vague, and once you get past that there's nothing there.

AC 2 had this collectable video you could run around collecting bits for, which started with a messege that "They have all lied to us!". But at the end all you found it was was 2 naked people running through a city with various scenes shown (like a blacksmith) and then they run out of it, hold up the magic McGuffin from AC1 and look at the camera in shock.

Vague as hell. Did they explain it? Did they hell.

Umm, if you played the game, it was pretty damn obvious what it was, and they didnt really need to explain it, since it made perfect sense in the context of the game setting.   The two naked people were Adam and Eve, the McGuffin from AC 1 was kind of conveniently named the Apple of Eden, and it didnt really take much to put two and two together with the Exposition from the alien hologram at the end of the game to figure out that Adam and Eve basically escaped from the Ruins of an Alien City with the Apple and took off to become the founders of the human race.

Well, lets be fair, it was obvious it was Adam and eve from the second you saw them. The rest was hardly a stretch.

Eh don't worry everyone, "only" 65% of the movie (http://www.polygon.com/2016/5/16/11686326/assassins-creed-movie-setting-present-day) will be set in the current timeframe.

I hadn't seen that trailer yet. Dumb soundtrack for it.

Like the Angry Birds and Warcraft movies, this one is just too many years too late.

Except Angry Birds, unlike the other two, looks like it might actually be amusing. Plus at least my 12 year old wants to see it.

BWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH.

Jesus wept.

I just got back from seeing this. Jeremy Irons is now 0 for 2 on good films based on games franchises.

It's not awful, it's just ... forgettable. The dialogue is bad, the CGI is brown and nothing makes any sense.

Saw this because I'm traveling and needed to kill a few hours outside of the hotel.

Know what an action game about stealthy assasins in renaissance times needs? Lots of exposition set in the modern age in a soulless grey-white box.

Know what templars think is a GREAT plan? Keeping tons of assassins in a free-association non-prison surrounded by artifacts and weapons of their past lives. While also hooking them into a regression machine that teaches them how to use those weapons via reawakened memories that linger afterwards.

Know what makes a great ending to a movie?  "Oh, shit.. almost 2 hours.. let's do the end scene now, even though we built up for a huge fight"

Brilliant.

I'm sensing sarcasm.