f13.net

All details of my involvement in this will revealed around midnight EST.

If the details are to be revealed in The Sun, I'm sure it will have something to do with the Queen giving you a BJ in front of Brad, Jen and her 43 corgies.  It won't be on page 3, however, as none of you have big enough tits.

So Brad calls me up the other day, the conversation - as I recall, went something like this. It may be wise, however, to not believe anything I say as I'm addled with alcohol and the thought of Brad Pitt calling me makes my stomach start a duel with itself.

"Hey, schild..." he says, before I have a chance to even ask who it is.

"What manner of madman calls someone at 4'oclock in the morning and expects someone to be there?" I reply.

"It seems as though Jen just can't get enough of me. She knows she has no future career now that friends is over and every movie she's in turns out to be a financial disaster no matter how many critics or geeks say they love it. I've got beautiful women knocking down my door, but it's as though I can't turn Rac...Jen down." He says to me, as if he was some sort of all-star athlete at his local high school.

At this point I can't help but think hackers have broken into my T-Mobile and revealed my phone number to every celebrity in America. Christ. I can't let this happen. I must remember to call my provider at dawn. I'll wake their ass up and demand a new number. They won't be able to turn me down. They'll go out of their way to offer me a number with '666' somewhere in it. No one wants to be stalked by mega-celebrities. Least of all, me.

"Brad, I'm sorry, I can't help you. You're surrounded by beautiful women, and for some reason you want to go back to Jen. She's practically wilting in Hollywood years, damnit! You've no choice but to turn her down and chase after the youngest tart within 10 yards of you. Make it snappy, the tabloids need to hit the press in an hour, and they need fresh meat. Give them what they need, Brad. If you don't, you may end up being the new father of Bat Boy. That destroyed Billy-Bob Thornton and it will destroy you as well."

I've no clue if Billy-Bob is the father of Bat Boy. Nor if the tabloids actually pinned him as such. But I've got fair reason to believe that any child he fathers will come out some sort of mutant. Maybe bat. Definately not boy. Wild animals can't father human babies. This is a fact. Billy-Bob is no human.

"Brad, look, I'm hanging up now, I've got something to do before the next full moon. You have to handle this bizarre turn of events on your own. No one will stop you, and I'll call off the dogs. Don't travel anywhere near Encinitas though. The people there are unpredictable and happen to be devout followers of the Church de Paparazzi. They will shoot to kill."

I hang up and immediately rush downstairs to start making calls. After 3 hours of twisting words and weaving lies, I finally convince these bastards that Jen and Brad are getting back together. America's sweethearts, indeed.

I resurrected seven people that day, including myself. Twice.

Boy, I bet you have a hangover today!  Please don't drink and walk around in public... I hear there's a bad moon rising.

A reasonable attempt at Hunters style.  Not bad but you shouldn't actually copy him you know?  Just try and blend it in with your own style, otherwise you just end up as 'that guy that tries really hard to write kinda like Hunter used to.'

I was going to say something to the affect I remember reading that somewhere.

But you said it so much nicer.

You two are going to make schild cry...

Ashlee Schildson!  :evil:

That took me like 10 minutes to write. I fired it off before I went to bed. We try giving you people nice things. You know the rest.

"This here's a kaiser blade, mmmm-hmmmm, some folks call it a sling blade. Mmmm-hmmmm. I call it a kaiser blade."

I was going to try and avoid saying something. But I can't. Did no one see the fucking pop culture reference in that post? It was a terrible reference, I'll admit. But, comeon!

I saw one every paragraph or so.  Which one are you referring to?

The funny one. The rest was gibberish.

This sentence got an audible guffaw out of me:

I'll give you a hint. It's not in the body of the post.

Π (http://forums.f13.net/index.php?topic=968.msg52096#msg52096)?

Way to go, plagiarising your own literary icon.

Bruce

It's a meaningless fucking post on a silly video game related message board. Posted in the after hours, in sleep deprived and drunken state at that.

Plagiarism is kind of a strong word, isn't it?

I invented the phrase "way to go."  I am suing you, Bruce.

Plagiarism? Listen up bottom feeder, you watch your tongue or a pack of wolverines will be unleashed upon you.

Just send a mongoose after him.

Or any amphibious rodent. Perhaps a marmot.

Actually, it turns own schild didn't plagiarize as much as I thought, just imitated.  So I apologized to him, so you boobs in the peanut gallery can go back to do whatever it is you do when you're not sending rabid animals after me.

Bruce

They're not rabid. They just don't like you.

And I'm sure they have their reasons...

I thought you liked that Bruce...  :-P

A kind of blind dating of sorts.

Perhaps I should point out that two people in this thread have furry avatars and I am neither.

Bruce

An action figure mongoose with a sniper rifle is not a furry. Jackass.

Cue Bruce coming back and claiming that he meant avatars who WERE furry, not who were A FURRY.

Wait for it... wait for it...

NOW!

At this point I am hoping for an SB.EXE error...

(http://www.quantum-spirituality.com/coverlarge.sl.jpg)

If only my mere presence could charm women as easily as it derails threads.

Bruce

Maybe if the women in question deep down want to be Hello Kitty.