f13.net

No, you did not read that title wrong.  Apparently Michael Bay knows more than you do.

http://popwatch.ew.com/2012/03/19/michael-bay-teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-aliens/

That's it, Hollywood, just trash all of my childhood memories  :uhrr:

Michael Bay must be stopped. No matter the cost.

(http://blog.newsok.com/nerdage/files/2008/10/optimus_prime.jpg)

Apparently Bay stopped himself, probably because he couldn't get what he wanted. (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/15/teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles_n_1601139.html)

Script? When has Michael Bay ever needed a script?

Ok. Took the family to see this, since I'm a fan of the original and it rubbed off on my boy. Let me state right away that I really wanted to hate this show. I had heard some things that Bay had done to try and earfuck my childhood, and I wasn't pleased. I wanted to hate it. But I couldn't.

The bad:

Karai is horribly, horribly miscast. Just such an awesome glaring error, to my mind it overshadowed the rest of the bad. And the rest of the bad is pretty bad. This is one old chick, and Karai is not supposed to be someone's gramma yet.

Bay fucked the origin story. Not as bad as threatened, but it still irritated me. A lot.

Shredder. A giant Ironman samurai. Pretty fucking silly. Magnetic knives flying everywhere...he needed a big red nose it was that ridiculous.

The voice for Splinter was just wrong. It bothered me. I know this part is actually kinda nitpicky, but it just didn't sound like the Splinter I know.

The mutagen was wrong. This plays into the origin part a bit, but it deserves its own spot for the way it was used.

April O'Neill. Fuck your fixation with Megan Fox, Mr. Bay. She blows, and not in the way you keep hoping. Terrible actress, terrible casting, fuck you. I would rather have seen the chick from the Wendy's commercials do this.

The good:

Turtles man. The voice acting for the brothers was spot on. It was the Turtles on screen. Pretty fucking cool. The show wasn't filled with Baysplosions, although there were a couple, and the writing for them was damn good. This one good spot alone took all of the punch away from the bad. I came away liking this movie a lot because of these guys. Everyone in the family enjoyed it. I don't know that you need to rush to the theatre to see it, but the 3d works well without being terribly overdone. I don't miss the money I spent to see it.

Bay was only a producer on this. Steven Speilberg is a producer on Transformers, so pinning this on Bay is like pinning that on Spielberg.

Guess I owe him an apology letter.

Spielberg was Executive Producer not a regular Producer. Some Producers, like Jerry Bruckheimer, do have a strong impact on look/feel/style of the final movie independent of the director. I don't know enough about Michael Bay to know whether or not he's like a Bruckheimer or he's more of the typical Producer which is responsible for acquiring the resources a Director needs to make the money and doesn't have significant influence over the look/feel/style of the movie.

Michael Bay was a Jerry Bruckheimer prodigy.

As I said, Bay's influence was barely noticeable in the movie. Still hate Megan Fox.

Megan Fox is the number one reason I might not see this until it's on blu-ray. By blu-ray I mean the internet. By the internet I mean magically on my machine so I can hate-watch it.

She's literally Hitler.

A *hot* Hitler.

Naw, I hate resting bitch face. She's just a piece of shit.

Wanna hear the new origins?

That sounds entirely as expected.

Utterly retarded.

I attribute that to this movement towards complex "lore", "mystery boxes" , "who is the yellow king???" nonsense audiences have come to expect and dissect. This idea that everything has to be cutely connected and that there's all sorts of banal hidden meaning for audiences to chat about, discuss over freeze-frames, etc. It's like plot porn.

It was so cool how Darth Vader was Luke's father, now everyone has to be a father, long lost brother, or at least their father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.

I always love those "Megan Fox - sharp elbows, 2/10 would not bang" posts.  I'm pretty sure most of you would let her fart on you and then punch you in the face a dozen times if it just meant you could be in her presence for 10 seconds.  In short, you are all liars or catholic priests.

Jennifer's Body is the only Megan Fox film I've seen and she was fine it it. Maybe even good. (Movie itself suffered badly from Diablo Cody Syndrome)

I don't really get nerds hating on Megan Fox.

Megan Fox is a catch22 actress.

Directors who want the super hot girl in their movie generally don't know how to write for/direct female roles.  Directors who CAN direct/write well for female parts aren't usually hiring the hottest actress in the lead roles because it's unrealistic.

Well...in Transformers she just plays the bimbo love interest no? And in Turtles she's April. Good acting is always better than bad acting but those roles should be played by hotties and the acting required is somewhat limited.

I get hating a guy like Shia LaBeouf. The guy isn't a good actor and is cast in roles where he needs to act. I mean, he was in a teen Rear Window remake - he probably should have some acting chops.

I think you can legit say that Shia LaBeouf is a problem in Crystal Skull - even he admits he fucked up on that film. (Disclaimer: I have only seen clips and that will never change) I don't see how anyone could plausibly argue that Megan Fox is a problem with the Transformers movies. It's not like Denise Richards being cast as a nuclear physicist. It seems to me that Fox is cast in roles she's appropriate for and does at least ok in them. She's not bringing down movies as far as I can tell.

Fox gets reflected hate from the hate for the transformers movies, and the fact that bay likes to have a woman he can lick the camera over like a tongue, so anyone with 3 brain cells and not suffering from testosterone poisoning got sick of her.

Yeeeeaaah.  That is a ridiculous distortion of reality.  Sweaty Megan Fox action was probably one of the more positive things to come out of those movies. 

I am going to go way out on a limb here and submit that the average male of the human species would like few things better than 15 minutes of adult time with Megan Fox.  Protestations to the contrary are nothing more than fake Nerd Hate.  Fake.

As in, not actual.  Transparently false.

Well that's what I'm saying.  Whether Fox can or can't act well, she's not going to be given many parts that will ever shine.  Sure a great actor can take even a shit script and turn out a brilliant performance but she's obviously not a master performer.  She's likely a perfectly good actress that may never get a chance to stretch her acting chops or improve them because of the roles she gets.

Of course, an actor is always to blame for the roles they take but I'm guessing these are the only roles she gets offered.

Of course those are the roles she's offered.  Despite the neckbeards saying otherwise, those are the roles we want to see her in.  And shame on that Michael Bay dude for also finding her to be stupidly attractive!  He should hire uglier, more realistic looking women, because that is what the public wants to see.

Don't be purposefully obtuse.  Of course Michael Bay wants hot women in his movies, he makes movies about women being hot sex objects and shit exploding.  That's the point, getting hired to be "the hot girl" will never be a way to show people you can act because those parts are incredibly vapid.  Maybe she can act, maybe she can't but we'll never know.

People with more than 3 brain cells watch the Transformers movies?  :awesome_for_real:

Anyway...I'm still not getting it. It's not like she's being cast in a 'Dangerous Liasons' remake that could be good then screwing it up. She's not in the Whedon girl role where she's cast as a scientist or martial arts expert and it's laughable.

I don't like it when young hot people get cast in roles they can't perform in and sink the premise but I don't see that happening here. I don't want to see her as Ripley in an Alien reboot or as one of the new female Ghostbusters or some shit, but I have a hard time being offended by her playing a hot girlfriend in a brainless action movie.

Leave Megan Fox alone!

I'm not sure why my post made you think I was being obtuse.   Some of it was snarky.  I agree with you.  And I rather think that Bay's adeptness at hiring really hot women for those parts is one of his only redeeming qualities.

I saw the Turtle's trailer the other day and was literally wondering to myself who they let rape my childhood and why did this movie somehow look like a transformers movie (I genuinely had no idea this movie was even a thing, let alone who was making it).  And then they show a few of Fox's scenes, all the blood whooshed out of my cranium, and all was right with the world once again.

Megan Fox gets hate because she appears to be every bit as vapid as the characters she portrays. Her best role was as the hot bimbo suspected of embezzling from the wife's store in This is 40. Maybe she's not vapid but none of the roles she's been in has shown anything otherwise. Call it nerd rage or whatever, but I can't stand her. That doesn't mean where the rules of the universe to break down, and I was single and she was willing that I wouldn't hate bang her like she was a fucking drum. My God, have you seen her? She's so physically hot, she burns the eyeballs.

But once you get past the reptile brain part of your body, she's really kind of annoying. Also, it doesn't help that Michael Bay figuratively molests her with a camera every time she's on screen in the Transformers movies. I mean, it gets creepy after a while.

She's very greasy.

And her face appears to always be swollen.

It was less creepy than the blonde in #3.  The camera fucking there made me uncomfortable. But that's a derail.

Saying someone has resting bitch face has nothing to do with her attractiveness. Her body is absolutely bangin.

But she has resting bitch face, independent of that.

In movies I have to look at something for 90 minutes after paying $10+ for the privilege to do so. Megan Fox is not worth that.


This just makes no sense to me. The vast majority of women in Hollywood are unrealistically hot. Pick one that is both hot and doesn't suck. And maybe one that falls within the scope of April. Slapping a yellow jacket on her doesn't an April make.

I don't like her because I watched an interview with her once. Bitchy, stupid, and arrogant. Just a solidly terrible person. I have no need to see any more of her movies. Turtles was an exception, because, ya know, turtles.

If my vague memories of the comics are right, April shouldn't be played by someone hot in the first place. And she needs to have a really awful perm.

It's you.  You are part of the problem!

There's a line in an old Sydney Potier movie called "To Sir with love" that says "no man stays interested in a slut for long" and that's basically the problem. Yeah she's hot, but simple saying that the guys wouldn't bang her given the opportunity is missing the point. Yeah they probably would, but they would kick her out the door afterwards. And frankly once you have seen her "hi I'm hot" act for the umteemth time, it's just irritating. That's why Holywood cycles through hot females pretty fast.

Plus I read an interview with some of the guys on the production crew once and it was pretty clear that not one of them could stand her. The line that stuck with me is (paraphrasing, its been a while) "Yeah she's real hot when you are spraying glistener on her abdomen for the fifth time. Then we talk about how in the next movie Megatron should step on her as no-one would miss her"

Megan Fox at 18 was so hot I would drink her bath water.  However many plastic surgeries she has had since, it is at least 10 too many. She looks like a sweaty space alien.

Thank god I don't find her attractive any more, or I might be in danger of going to see this turd. Michael Bay is going to live until he is 90 and make movies the whole way, isn't he?  :crying_panda:

I saw her on Conan the other day. It's exactly like that sentence. Comes in, smoking hot omfg is she hot and then she opens her mouth...

I submit that you are all being totally honest with your proclaimed annoyance of her, and at the same time I'm willing to bet that you'd all agree to be her personal slave for a while, even if no naughty stuff was involved.

... for about a minute. Then we would all leave as we would be in danger of punching her.

I guarantee you, if there was no hate banging involved, there would be no reason whatsoever for me to hang around with her, much less be her slave. The minute sex came off the table, the personality comes to the fore. If she is as annoying as I think, I wouldn't want to be in the same room with her.

I'm not 20 anymore.  I'm married and have a kid.  Banging anonymous hot women hasn't been a real consideration of mine in a long time.  I'm able to evaluate actress on their various qualities, not just bangability.  

That being said, I don't really care about Megan Fox.  She has a dumb tattoo, but I'm willing to look beyond that. The turtles look creepy and the movie looked dumb.  I don't think I'll bother seeing this.

You're making a mistake.

I've been staring at beta vmware software all day.  You're going to need to be more specific.

I'm sayin ghead and wait for it to come out on dvd or what have you, but it's worth watching. Not watching it all would be a mistake.

Good to know.  PPV and HBO keep me happy.  I don't get to see movies in theaters.  Is there a name for movie-phobia? My son has it. Weird as hell.

Dislikes-annoying-people-sticky-floors-yucky-bathrooms-poor-AC-unadjustable-volumes-and-super-expensive-treats-ia?

People confusing "i don't like her" with "i wouldn't bang her" are being obtuse.  I don't like her at all, i would still bang her even if she killed my dog.

Movie was alright.. The Turtles themselves were pretty well done imo.  The changes to the origins aren't too horrible, but I'd prefer the original.  I didn't like Shredder, but if this movie gets us to Krang in the sequel more power to them.

Several of those are just from choosing poor theaters. We have like 10 theaters within a half hour drive here, but I go to the same one every time because never once has the goddamn floor been sticky, the bathrooms are always clean, and they have like 8 credit card kiosks. Some of my friends still argue that Theater_X is 5 minutes closer or showing the movie 15 minutes sooner but I have chosen this hill to die on.

I wish it was just that my son disliked the experience, he's never been.  It's more that he considers movies to be some sort of evil conspiracy to get him to stop doing what he'd rather be doing right now.  And bad guys.  There's always bad guys.  He'll get 15 minutes into anything and then it's time to shut it off. 

So, whatever.  He'll get over it.  Someday.

http://grantland.com/hollywood-prospectus/teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-movie-review/

The next turtles needs to take place in a beach so she wears less clothing that's all.
The nerd rage can burn forever as long my cockles are pleased.

This is all I am saying.  It is amusing to say the least when the nerd gallery resoundingly agrees with each other that the frequently dubbed world's most beautiful woman is, in fact, below their standards.  Sure, you might be willing to bang her if she asked nicely and you were allowed to pull her hair in anger and spew obscenities, but you'd kick that bitch to the CURB five minutes later, because that is how you roll.

Yes, she was hotter at 18.  Yes, she is still mind-shatteringly hot.
Yes, she is probably stupid and annoying.  My wife is stupid and annoying.  So is yours.
Sure, she looks all greasy and sweaty and that is yukky.  YUKKY I say. 
Yeah, her face is all swollen and crooked due to the plastic surgery. 
Either that or she has become a mother and the hormones will fuck you that way. 
Either that or your retinas are covered with Cheetoh dust.

*weeps with his dick in his left hand*

And this discussion is exactly why she was cast in this movie.  Instead of talking about what a bad film it is, we have people arguing about having sex with Megan Fox.  Meanwhile, I watched a movie critic break down the plot of this film, and it's The Amazing Spider-Man.  It's just The Amazing Spider-Man with turtles and ninja robots.  This is a really dumb reboot of a franchise that already has one excellent film adaptation.  (OK, I'll admit that might just be nostalgia talking, but the original movie is at least pretty good.)

Also, the new turtles are creepy looking.

Here, Moviebob at The Escapist does a better job of explaining all this (http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/escape-to-the-movies/9634-Teenage-Mutant-Ninja-Turtles-Kids-Deserved-Better-Than-This).

Someday you too will be old and understand how lusting after vapid, mindless women gets old.  You don't believe us now, but it happens to us all. Even the ogling thread gets little more than a "yep, wow" from the 38+ crowd.


So it's based on the 90's turtles and not the new incarnation where April is an active agent vs. a damsel in distress. Makes sense since in the new series April is a tween vs. a 20-something, but they could have made the shift. They just chose not to, which is typical of Bay's projects.


It's nostalgia. The wife and son watched the original three this past weekend as some channel on cable was showing them all. The practical effects were still really good, but the over-all movie was "meh" at best.

Not sure if you're genuinely an idiot, or are just really great at role playing one. Nobody here said she's below their standards. We're all just old enough to know that we wouldn't want to listen to somebody this stupid, self centered, and shallow, just for a fuck. I'm sure at this point you're just a walking cock that spurts at anything that has tits and moves, but one day there's a good chance you'll grow out of it. We're hoping anyway.

There is a reason duct tape was invented.   :awesome_for_real:

I really tried to re-rail this thread, but you guys didn't listen.  Fine.  Let's talk about Megan Fox some more.

I remember thinking the film was ok when I watched it in the theater. Enjoyable, but I had no desire to see it again. However, the sequels were atrocious.

Now to thankfully move on from the subject of some annoying woman, lets look at some fake "Controversy." Yes this is a few weeks old but it kinda shows the marketing for this...

http://www.buzzfeed.com/emilyorley/paramount-deletes-controversial-911-teenage-mutant-ninja-tur#4jky2yu


And by god those turtles are hideous.

I may or may not be a genuine idiot.  I am posting in a thread about a TMNT on a gaming website that has a higher-than-average nerd quotient, and I find it beyond amusing when 8 out of 10 posters claims in profound terms how repulsed they are about the female in question, who they clearly find to have sharp knees and would not bang.  Or they find her annoying and stupid.  Or they dislike her (perfect) fake tits and artificial tan.  Or how she has clearly had work done on her face.  Or how she has a bitchy looking expression.  And so on.  It could have just as easily been about any of dozens of other female actresses, all of whom by most measurements most normal people would consider to be utterly out of their league.  As such, I respond back here with snark, embellishment, and even a little bit of troll.  Mostly for the fun of it.  Partly because my eyes are bruised from all the rolling. 

I wish you would spend half this much effort posting in the T&A thread instead of shitting up a thread about a shit movie.

Pet peeve.  Sorry, i'll stop.

You forgot her toe thumbs.