f13.net

Possibly based on a book by Maya Angelou, Human Centipede: The First Sequence is an absolutely real movie that we at FunnyCrave didn’t make up because if we had made it up people would have just thought we’re retarded. Luckily now you can think it about someone else while we show you pictures.

There’s a horror festival over in the UK called FrightFest and writer/director Tom Six wanted to be remembered apparently, so he submitted his film about a surgeon who specializes in conjoined twins (we’d not be so crass as to use the non-politically correct term “Siamese twins”, only a uncouth twat would do that), who decides that mankind would be way better off if we were all sewn together ass to mouth in some long centipede chain. You can see how that makes sense.

Now, we all agreed with Rosario Dawson in Clerks II when she said sometimes it’s OK to go ass to mouth, but this probably isn’t one of those times. And really, is it even scientifically accurate? Do centipedes toss this much salad?

You’ll notice in the description this movie wasn’t half assed either, so to speak. This isn’t lazy ass to mouth sewing, the doctor apparently removes teeth and molds buttocks to properly facilitate the ass-to-mouth surgery. Read that again to fully appreciate what is likely going to reign as the most ridiculous sentence ever published on this website for ages. That means time on screen is devoted to letting you, the audience, know that the doctor is reshaping an ass so that a face can fit in it. And then sewing the face to the ass.

It’s hard to judge a movie without seeing it, however if the trailer for the movie involves people whose mouths are sewn to other people’s asses you can probably make some plausible guesses about what kind of movie you’re about to see. It’s like judging a book by its cover. If the cover is blank, sky blue paper, maybe you need to open it up and at least read a chapter. If the cover says “A Hobo’s Guide to Salting Beef in Your Own Underpants” then you can make a judgment call.

What makes matters worse — or, arguably, better — is that Human Centipede is no shoddily-constructed piece of witless schlock. Laser makes for a terrific villain and Dutch director Tom Six has put together his nightmare yarn with Cronenbergian care and precision. He may also, it appears, be planning a sequel, given that the full name of the movie is Human Centipede: First Sequence. (http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/04/13/human-centipede-is-this-the-most-disgusting-horror-film-of-all-time/)

It also doesn't help that I personally think the actor playing the doctor is brilliant, and would really like to see his performance in this.

The doctor looked good, but the girls were crap. Overall, the movie seems dumb. Not even specifically bad, just dumb. Before I looked at the youtube sidebar and saw all the related videos, I was convinced it was some top tier parody video.


Also, they totally missed the chance to one up Donkey Punch by naming this movie Ass To Mouth.

I really enjoy horror films, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere, for me at least.  Frankly, after watching Hostel in the theatre I can pass on all the new horror which is nothing but gore and shock factor.  Its not really scary, just disturbing. 

Williams actually manages to deliver a good performance despite the fact that she spends half the movie's running time naked, on all fours and crying muffled sobs into a guy's butt cheeks.

I might end up watching it.  I managed to make it through El Superbeasto, so I can probably watch this.

you're a brave man. It took me 4 tries and several glasses of maker's mark to make it through. It was a wierd experience since I thought the animation was first rate, but everything else was absolute shit.