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These are real, from today's Valentines Day personals section of The Herald Sun (http://heraldsun.news.com.au), a newspaper in Australia. Sorry for the formatting - they're as tweeted with comments by TV/radio personality @mariekehardy (http://twitter.com/mariekehardy).
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'V - V 99 999'. This is one of those hidden messages for drug couriers I think.

'I just want you to know I think you're grouse/For building us such a beautiful new house.'

'SMID - The man who believes he has 22 Wives! 20 of them are Bi's.'

'ur 2nd 2none thanku 4 brightening up my life u mean everything 2 me i love u with all my heart.' Go away, you awful man.

'Your happiness means the world to me. If that means I have to eat salad, I will eat salad.' VEGETARIANS OF THE WORLD UNITE!

'SEXY PRINCESS: As our hearts bleed and our eyes weap/the aches and pains never seem to end.' There is so much wrong here. Mostly 'weap'.

'I love you like a fat kid loves cake'. Believe it or not, I have already seen this twice today. Hardly sensitive during an obesity crisis.

'Only time will tell/If we stand the test of time/The clock is ticking!' Way to be optimistic, Doomy McDoomsday.

'PJM66. Q: Am I your Lord? (will you marry me). A: Love is a slave to the heart not the soul (Yes I will).' BDSM is totally back, you guys.

I would give my right arm to live tweet the photographs that accompany some of the messages.

'My dear sister. I really love you and care about you.' This is the equivalent of getting a pity card from your mum.

'More than 20 years since I left your side we are back together as one and this time 4ever.' There's hope for Jennifer Aniston yet.

Let's cut the bullshit: 'Ryan, enjoy this message! Next year we'll be married and I won't have to do this anymore.'

'MOSES B. Unto my twin flame and our son Zadkiel whom awaits patiently with me for the veil of ignorance to lift'. This one scares me.

'MEL: I TOLD YOU THAT YOU LOVE ME!! The past 12 months have been difficult, you really haven't been well'. What's the bet she's in a coma?

When IT consultants get racy: 'Dear Megan. You continue to excite, interest and pleasure me after all these years.'

'Hey ya big poof. You've brightened up my life. Happy Valentine's.' And who said romance was dead?

'LOU - Remember (Mr Chips). ITCHY BUMFACE'. The fact that this actually means something to someone is twelve shades of wrong.

'We met at CHILLOUT on Sunday. You wore a suit and a man's felt hat. My senses must have trekked away.' Um, that's called opiates.

'Leigh at Broadford, please contact Claire at Doncaster East'. SWOON.

'It's taken 21 years for me to get it right/I hope u appreciate this when I see you tonight.' He's just been released from jail, hasn't he?

Anyone who writes 'Peachy bum I WUV U! I'm so lucky to have u! Luv your bubbles ganoosh' really should have been put down at birth.

'You have a tattoo of my name on your rear/But of needles I have a fear/So I did the next best thing/I engraved your name upon my ring.'

'KATIE BEAR - You re the pop in my corn, the raisin in my bun and the pooh on my shoe'. SERIOUSLY WHO WRITES THIS FUCKING SHIT.

'KANE(DADDY!) Lots of seal kisses for u xx Daddy! Love u nearly as much as I luv Mr Spotty!' Nice to see the Fritzls are still in touch.

'I OPENED MY EYES AND I SAW YOU! WOW! LIKE A BEAUTIFUL SWAN, GLIDING GRACEFULLY ALONG THE WATER!' Waking up from a drug coma is awesome.

'HEY LISA. Nothing - Ha Ha. Love - Sweaty Cheeks'. Hands up who's getting a well-deserved kick in the nuts this morning?

Finally, a nice one. 'JOAN. From 1957 until the 12th of never is a long, long time. Love you forever, Kevin.' OLD PEOPLE TOTALLY DO IT.

How to make having a baby sound revolting: 'FELICITY - Thanx for Archer, he rocks! And thanx for going through yuck for the next one.'

The 'Time To Move On' award: 'Even after 38 years the sadness still fills my heart when I think of of the day you told me it was over.'

'GERRY - You may not be my Valentine, but you sure are the best Dad in the world. Lisa XOXO'. O...kaaay.....

'CAROL KUPSCH - the rapture of our dalliance become the elysium of coverture.' Looks like somebody got a thesaurus for Valentine's Day.

File this one under 'best not to think about it': 'CHERYL - You came, you overwhelmed. Your squeals and size will never be forgotten.'

'BUBBA: Careful! Water dwagons play on dis woad! I luv ya even though we grump sometimes! Luv ur Bunnynose!' This person should be shot.

'BRETT MOLONEY My Gift from 'LORD KING JESUS CHRIST' I Love You ETERNALLY My Mighty Man of GOD.' Why do Christians need to shout so much?

Early favourite: 'ANDREW! YOU STILL DRIVE ME CRAZY! BUT I STILL LOVE YOU! STILL WAITING FOR THE OTHER 6 INCHES YOU PROMISED ME!! JIM XO'

The sad ones really depress me. 'I miss you, let's reignite the flame'. 'We can get through this, we always do...don't give up.'

Firstly: if you're going to pay good money to put a notice in the paper, learn the fucking difference between 'your' and 'you're'.

Right, time to live-Tweet the Herald Sun's Valentine's Day messages of love. AND NO, I DIDN'T GET ONE THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

(empty post - combined second wave into first)

Cool story bro.