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Title: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Draegan on July 23, 2009, 12:47:22 PM Emails from an Asshole (http://www.dontevenreply.com/index.php)
This guy basically answers want ads and strings the people along. I laughed at this one. Quote Original ad: I am a 18 year old looking for a summer job. it is hard for me to find work and I just want a job so I can afford a car for college next summer. I can clean, babysit, answer phones, pretty much whatever as long as it pays!! From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org Hey, I saw your ad looking for work and I think I have a job for you! I am looking for an assistant on my farm for the summer. It will involve working outdoors. Let me know if you are interested. Mike From Stephanie ******* to Me Hi Mike! I am interested in your job! I love animals and used to ride horses so a farm would be great! what kind of work would I be doing, and where is your farm located? it needs to be close to ******** so my parents can drop me off and pick meup From Mike Anderson to Stephanie ********* Stephanie, It is very close to **********. I'm glad to hear you are familiar with horses, because you will be primarily working with horses. My farm gets all the old horses that other farms don't need anymore, and they are starting to take up a lot of room in my stable, which I want to turn into a garage for my new truck. Therefore, the horses need to go. As my assistant, you will be in charge of killing the horses and dumping them in the lake behind my farm. I used to have a captive bolt pistol (cattle gun) that I used to put them down, but it broke when I tried to use it to tap a keg. You'll probably have to use my 12-gauge shotgun to put them down. Sometimes they don't die right away when you shoot them, and will start freaking out. You just have to stay calm and keep shooting. Don't worry, I'll show you how to use the shotgun if you aren't familiar with one. You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don't care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment. The lake isn't mine, it is my neighbor's. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn't around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won't see them. I have a lot of horses, and each horse takes about an hour and a half to dispose of, so you should have plenty of work. The job will pay $15 an hour. When can you start? Mike From Stephanie ******* to Me omg that is HORRIBLE! That is truely awful and sick!! Why cant you just give the poor horses away? sorry but I am not helping you slaughter horses!!! From Mike Anderson to Stephanie ********* Stephanie, I'm sorry if you are a bit surprised, but this is how farms work. You can't give away old horses, you have to kill them. I thought about it, and if you don't want to use the chainsaw to cut up the horses, you can just use my truck to drag them down to the lake. Do you have your license or permit? If not, this could be good driving practice for you. You don't want to pass up on this great job opportunity. Mike From Stephanie ******* to Me No that is not how farms work you are just SICK! I am NOT interested From Mike Anderson to Stephanie ********* Stephanie you are going to regret this some day when you try to get a real job. I think this would look great on your resume. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: K9 on July 23, 2009, 12:57:37 PM Good find :awesome_for_real:
Edit: Read a few more, there some great stuff here, thanks for the laughs. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: dusematic on July 23, 2009, 02:02:59 PM I laughed my ass off. Good one.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Draegan on July 23, 2009, 02:27:03 PM http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=18
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Ookii on July 23, 2009, 02:39:13 PM My favorite:
Quote Original ad: if anyone wants a ride from baltimore to nyc tomorow let me know! i am driving up there sometime tomorow afternoon and would be glad to help someone out if they want to throw up some money for gas. i drive a hybrid, so i wont need much! From Mike Partlow to *************@*********.org Hello, I do need a ride to New York tomorrow. That would be great. My only concern is the fact that you drive a hybrid car. I don't want to give people the idea that I care about the environment. Do you have another, more manly car that we could ride up in? I really don't want to be seen in a hybrid. I'll gladly compensate you for gas. Mike From christine ********* to Me no all i have is my hybrid. what is the big deal, who cares what people think? u should be glad to help the enviroment! From Mike Partlow to christine ********** I'm sorry Christine but it isn't the 60's anymore. People aren't a bunch of earth-saving hippies that run around and hug trees anymore. Does your car have tinted windows? I really don't want to be seen riding in that bitch-mobile. My only request is that you stop by a lake somewhere so I can dump a can of motor oil in it, to make up for all of the earth that your car will be saving. Don't worry, I'll pay for the motor oil. Mike From christine ********* to Me wtf is wrong with u! im not giving u a ride ur a jerk!!! From Mike Partlow to christine ********** Well I am sorry you won't have the privilege of riding with me. Fortunately for me, I found a better, more badass ride to NYC. I'll be sure to wave at your crappy little hybrid as we pass you in our F-350, spraying cans of aerosol out the window and throwing empty six-pack holders into the sea. Mike Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Ozzu on July 23, 2009, 02:59:57 PM :awesome_for_real:
Quote Hummer Rideshare Posted at: 2009-06-09 18:55:11 Original ad: looking for a ride from wilmington to manhattan next wednesday, any time during the day is good. I will pay for all of your gas as compensation. From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org Hello, I am driving to NYC for a business meeting around 10 AM on Wednesday and would be able to give you a ride. Let me know if you still need one. Mike From Chris ******* to Me mike, that sounds great. where do you want to meet to pick me up? i can meet you anywhere in wilmington. also, how much do you want for gas? chris Mike Anderson to Chris ******* Chris, I shouldn't need too much money for gas. I drive a Hummer H2 with a swapped motor, so gas really isn't a problem. It gets about 4 MPG highway and only takes premium, so I'd say about $100 should cover it. Mike From Chris ******* to Me what do you mean gas isnt a problem? 4 mpg is ridiculous. I was expecting to pay like 20 or 30 bucks tops! sorry but I'll have to pass Mike Anderson to Chris ******** If you only want to pay 30 bucks, that can get you as far as Exit 7 on the Jersey Turnpike. I can drop you off there, and you can hitchhike the rest of the way. I'm pretty sure hitchhiking is still legal in NJ so it shouldn't be a problem for you. I can pick you up on Naaman's Road in Wilmington by the Target shopping center around 9:30. From Chris ******* to Me are you serious? no I dont want to be dropped off in the middle of the turnpike. forget it Mike Anderson to Chris ******** Okay, I can give you a ride to Manhattan for $30, but in return, we need to stop at this guy's house in New Brunswick to get some money that he owes me. He's been dodging my calls, so he probably won't be too willing to give the money when we show up at his house. I need you to stand there and look intimidating so he realizes we mean business. How big are you? You should be at least 5'11 and 200 lbs. You can bring a big friend if you are scrawny, but you should ask him to throw up some gas money too. From Chris ******* to Me what the fuck is wrong with you? you sound like a drug dealer. i dont want to ride to manhattan with you Mike Anderson to Chris ******** Chris, I'm sorry that you have turned down my ride. I think you should change your ad on ********** to avoid any further confusion. I re-wrote it for you so all you have to do is click "edit" and then paste this where the original ad is: "scrawny man, not capable of intimidating people, looking for a ride from wilmington to new york. not willing to be reasonable in compensation for gas. will most likely complain about stupid stuff the whole ride up" From Chris ******* to Me fuck off asshole Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: NiX on July 23, 2009, 05:31:59 PM I printed a bunch off to read on the train ride home. I had to control my laughter for most of the ride.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Oban on July 23, 2009, 05:33:10 PM Thank you for the awesome find, I needed a good laugh today.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Segoris on July 23, 2009, 05:35:00 PM That website is fucking gold. Thanks for this.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: schild on July 23, 2009, 09:17:33 PM More like emails from a hero.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Cyrrex on July 27, 2009, 07:50:34 AM That shit is hysterical.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Draegan on July 28, 2009, 02:26:16 PM I missed this one last time:
Quote The Plumber That Can't Posted at: 2009-07-21 09:40:44 | 75 comments | Add Comment Original ad: I NEED CASH! I am a handyman and can do all kinds of work. I do plumbing, dry wall, electric, general construction, and any other job you need done! Email or call From Dan Gibson to *************@********.org Hello, Your handyman skills are needed. I have a problem I was hoping you would be able to help me with. Last night, when I was throwing up, I accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet and flushed it. It is a small phone, so I am pretty sure it made its way to my septic tank in the backyard. I need to get this phone back. It has an irreplaceable picture of my friend Tim hooking up with a fat chick, and I need this picture so I can taunt him with it for the rest of his life. I will hire you to sift through my septic tank to find the phone. It is a 1250 gallon septic tank, and has not been drained in a while. On the plus side, I will let you keep anything you find that is not my phone. There is probably a ton of spare change that was accidentally flushed, and maybe some other treasures. The pay for this job could potentially be huge. Please let me know when you can help. I am free all week. Just contact me via e-mail, because my phone obviously is in a world of shit (no pun intended) Thanks, Dan From ivan ******* to Me you must be out of your fucking mind. From Dan Gibson to ivan ******* So is that a yes? Your handyman ad said that you did plumbing. Dan From ivan ******* to Me yeah but did it say that i swim through tanks of fucking shit? no. you couldnt pay me a thousand dollars to do that. From Dan Gibson to ivan ******* Well I just thought that was implied with "I do plumbing." I didn't realize it meant that you didn't take jobs that you are too scared to do. I just remembered, a while ago, my ex-wife's engagement ring was accidentally flushed when I was nailing her on the toilet. If you find it, it is yours. It is only a cubic zirconia (fooled her, ha ha!), but it is still probably worth about $50. I also just flushed some air fresheners down the toilet, to freshen up the septic tank for you. Are you going to help me now or what? From ivan ******* to Me Wow You sound like a real classy guy. you dont need a handyman what you need is a fucking septic tank expert with a death wish. fuck off. From Dan Gibson to ivan ******* Nah, I think I just need a REAL handyman, not some pussy who says he does plumbing but then backs out when he finds out that the job is too hard. It isn't even a hard job, so I don't know what your problem is. Hell, my 10-year-old son could do this. In fact, he has done this before. I'd ask him to do it again but the ex took my kids and moved to Arizona. Will you hurry up and do the job? The phone is still ringing when I call it from the house, but the battery life will not last that long. I think I can even hear it when I stand outside over my septic tank. Tell you what, while you are sifting through it, I'll flush down some soap to clean the tank a little bit. From ivan ******* to Me gee i wonder why your wife took your kids...FUCK OFF. you are a fucking retard!! Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: voodoolily on July 28, 2009, 02:45:36 PM Our contractor/handyman is a dude named Dan. I sent the "Special" Wife to some mutual friends for lulz.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Tale on July 28, 2009, 03:42:20 PM Yawn. Another fake site, written for the clicks.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Cyrrex on July 28, 2009, 04:20:47 PM I'd actually wager these are real, but who knows.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: schild on July 28, 2009, 04:30:29 PM Yawn. Another fake site, written for the clicks. If it's fake, he's one of the best writers on the internet.Also, he would suffer from multiple personality disorder in a way unimaginable. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Trippy on July 28, 2009, 04:38:26 PM Doesn't have to be just one person. He could have friends writing the other parts.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: schild on July 28, 2009, 05:07:37 PM No one that funny keeps funny friends around. He's alpha-funny. He wouldn't dilute himself.
Also, Craigslist is solid freaking gold for shit like this. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Paelos on July 28, 2009, 10:25:38 PM Who cares if it's real? It's hilarious.
Hell, 95% of jokes a comic told you never actually happened. Laugh and don't give a shit. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Endie on July 29, 2009, 05:46:37 AM They're very funny. I agree with Tale that they're fake as hell (he chooses a character for the interlocutors well enough but tends to respond too fully) but realistic responses just wouldn't be as funny, so that's cool.
Besides, I've seen a lot of shops in my time and you can tell from the pixels. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: voodoolily on July 29, 2009, 09:46:33 AM I'd hazard that he responds to so many of these that he has a few replies to choose from. I mean, how many "I need a summer job" or "handyman for hire" want ads do you think are out there? Hundreds? He could send the same response to all of them and just sift through the ones that actually bite.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Broughden on July 29, 2009, 06:49:55 PM Maybe we should test this and email people on Craigslist. See if any funny responses ensue.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Endie on July 30, 2009, 03:09:15 AM Maybe we should test this and email people on Craigslist. See if any funny responses ensue. The people you are emailing are real people. Text communication does not mean that they lack emotions. I'd just picture the person proudly shouting to his wife downstairs "honey, I got an offer!" and her all hopeful and relieved that maybe their kid will get new clothes. Then him working it out and having to tell her that it was some dickhead lying to him to make strangers laugh at him. I suppose that's the unfortunate side-effect of giving a shit about people. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: lamaros on July 30, 2009, 03:16:27 AM So you can only laugh at the website ones as long as you think they're fake?
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Endie on July 30, 2009, 04:05:40 AM So you can only laugh at the website ones as long as you think they're fake? Yes. To clarify: I wouldn't find it enjoyable to watch many movies if they were real, either. That's fiction for you. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Tale on July 30, 2009, 04:58:41 AM Yawn. Another fake site, written for the clicks. If it's fake, he's one of the best writers on the internet.Also, he would suffer from multiple personality disorder in a way unimaginable. I'm sceptical about these sites by default. To me, they are poorly written - similar patterns appear over and over in responses. Multiply this by a million message boards, emails, IMs, and it's payday. Coming soon: where in the US is your Craigslist victim's accent from? Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: voodoolily on July 30, 2009, 10:11:12 AM Maybe we should test this and email people on Craigslist. See if any funny responses ensue. The people you are emailing are real people. Text communication does not mean that they lack emotions. I'd just picture the person proudly shouting to his wife downstairs "honey, I got an offer!" and her all hopeful and relieved that maybe their kid will get new clothes. Then him working it out and having to tell her that it was some dickhead lying to him to make strangers laugh at him. I suppose that's the unfortunate side-effect of giving a shit about people. Welcome to the internet, pussy. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Samwise on July 30, 2009, 12:46:26 PM I'd just picture the person proudly shouting to his wife downstairs "honey, I got an offer!" and her all hopeful and relieved that maybe their kid will get new clothes. Then him working it out and having to tell her that it was some dickhead lying to him to make strangers laugh at him. I suppose that's the unfortunate side-effect of giving a shit about people. Quote From Me to *************@*********.org Hey, I saw your ad and will be able to help you out. The best thing to do for dry wall holes is to tape over the entire hole with strips of duct tape, and then paint over the duct tape. If you have wallpaper, I could just put wallpaper over the hole. That would be even easier. After the repair, nobody should lean up on the wall or it will probably tear again. I suggest hanging a picture over the hole. I have some old framed pictures of Bon Jovi that I could bring and install over the hole. I am available all week, and my rate is $25/hr. When can I stop by? -Dan If I got an email like that in response to a wanted ad I'd posted I would laugh my fucking ass off and thank the guy for it. The fact that someone could actually take that offer seriously, Bon Jovi and all, just makes it even funnier. I did feel a little bad for the 17 year old kid who did not know that a nest of angry hornets in the engine and a flyswatter to deal with them is not a standard feature on a car, and earnestly replied that he'd happily fork over his $4k. Just a little. If the guy was really mean he could probably scam a lot of these people out of their money, and completely legally, like that guy who sold an empty Wii box on eBay, clearly advertised as such, to some illiterate for $300. I think it's to his credit that he continues making the emails increasingly ludicrous until they finally "get it" rather than making a genuine effort to string them along. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: voodoolily on July 30, 2009, 12:51:42 PM I did feel a little bad for the 17 year old kid who did not know that a nest of angry hornets in the engine and a flyswatter to deal with them is not a standard feature on a car, and earnestly replied that he'd happily fork over his $4k. Just a little. Don't, it's the best education that kid can get. :why_so_serious: Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Cyrrex on July 30, 2009, 01:21:05 PM I did feel a little bad for the 17 year old kid who did not know that a nest of angry hornets in the engine and a flyswatter to deal with them is not a standard feature on a car, and earnestly replied that he'd happily fork over his $4k. Just a little. Don't, it's the best education that kid can get. :why_so_serious: A rare insight as to how VL will be raising her fetus. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: voodoolily on July 30, 2009, 01:34:02 PM It's better than finding out that the internet is full of stranger danger the other way! :hello_thar:
Besides, my kid will know that spray adhesive is the best way to deal with a hornet's nest. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Oban on July 30, 2009, 02:52:25 PM Flaming sticky hornets, what could go wrong?
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: voodoolily on July 30, 2009, 03:11:17 PM They can't fly when their wings are glued to the floor.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: MrHat on July 30, 2009, 03:20:28 PM They can't fly when their wings are glued to the floor. I'm glad you're on our side. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Endie on July 30, 2009, 04:10:47 PM I thought voodoolilly was joking with the welcome to the internet meme. If not, well... Some people think one way about others and some don't. I'm happy with my way and I'm sure the other way is at least amusing.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: voodoolily on July 30, 2009, 04:16:53 PM I thought voodoolilly was joking with the welcome to the internet meme. If not, well... Some people think one way about others and some don't. I'm happy with my way and I'm sure the other way is at least amusing. I was joking (kind of) - I've used that phrase before (Bunk has it as one of his sigs). But I still think that your pleas for compassion are falling on deaf ears here. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Cyrrex on July 30, 2009, 04:24:45 PM I think there's very little misfortune here for the victims in question, so I'll laugh at it heartily. That isn't to say I am above finding the funny in someone's genuine misfortune (there is often plenty of humor to be found there)...that doesn't mean I don't also feel for them.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Endie on July 30, 2009, 04:33:21 PM That's cool lily I was more kinda surprised because I know at least one genuinely lovely thing you did irl.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: voodoolily on July 30, 2009, 04:35:00 PM That's cool lily I was more kinda surprised because I know at least one genuinely lovely thing you did irl. You just keep your mouth shut about that, Endie. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Endie on July 30, 2009, 04:40:47 PM I am defined by discretion.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: naum on July 30, 2009, 05:12:03 PM Eh, being a jerk on Craigslist is not the most egregious injustice that can be imposed on those soliciting commerce on the interwebs. Like stated, the guy could exercise a little more twistedness and really exploit…
However, I think what these guys are doing (http://419eater.com/) is totally immoral and reprehensible even if they defend their shenanigans by declaring the victims to be unsympathetic scammers unworthy of respect. Pilfering money is one thing but sending people on cross-country goose chase, and instructing them in a manner that will cause them physical harm along with tugging at their emotional strings by telling them family members have died, etc.… A great piece on it was done by Ira Glass @ This American Life (http://www.thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?episode=363) — not much text but it's a fascinating 30 minute listen… Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Draegan on August 25, 2009, 02:44:12 PM Quote PARROT WANTED I am looking for a parrot for my two children. I used to have a parrot and loved her and would love to see my kids have one. Really any kind of parrot will do. I have a vet that can check it out - please email me if you have a parrot you don't want! Thanks! From Me to **************@*********.org Hi there! I have an African Grey parrot that my wife and I do not want anymore. It would be great for your kids! Let me know if you want him. Mike From Sandra ********* to Me Mike - tell me about your parrot! How old is he? Do you have any pictures of him? Why do you want to get rid of him? From Me to Sandra *********** Sandra, My parrot is 2 years old. I don't have any pictures, but he looks like a typical parrot. We are getting rid of him because my wife does not like him. My wife and I argue a lot, and the parrot seems to have picked up some of the things I have said and just shouts them at my wife when she walks by. I think the final straw was when the parrot called her a "stupid fat twat." She takes it personally, even though I tell her that she shouldn't be self-conscious just because a parrot thinks she is fat. Now I will admit that I trained it to say "nice cellulite, bitch" whenever my wife walks by, but the parrot pretty much just curses at everyone now. Whenever I walk in the door, it calls me a "cocksucking grundle licker." It kind of gets annoying when it is the first thing I hear after working all day. Also, I let my friend watch the parrot for a week when I was on vacation, and ever since then, the parrot sings "The Final Countdown" by Europe every night at 4 in the morning. It often wakes me up and I am tired of it. I don't even like that song. The parrot also has an issue with defecating in its cage. It will wait until I let it out, and then immediately fly over to the kitchen and shit on my food. If I don't let him out, he starts yelling "I have to shit!" until I let him out. It can go on for hours. My wife pretty much told me either the parrot goes, or she will leave me. So I have no choice but to get rid of him. His name is Sam. I think he will be great for your kids, as long as they aren't fat and won't take the insults he yells at them personally. I can set up a time for you to come check him out this week if you want. What day works for you? Mike From Sandra ********* to Me Mike, I don't think that parrot would be appropriate for my kids - they are only five and seven years old. From Me to Sandra *********** Sandra, I think he would be great for your kids. I didn't mean to scare you off with the bad description of the parrot. He really is a nice parrot. There is a way to prevent him from shouting obscenities. I found that if I soak his food in drain cleaner and then give it to him, it burns up his throat and he doesn't talk for a few days. I can include a bottle of Draino and a few bags of bird food with him, if you want. Mike From Sandra ********* to Me Are you serious? That can kill him!! He sounds like he was a nice parrot but you have no idea how to take care of him! Give him to the SPCA! From Me to Sandra *********** Excuse me? I know how to take care of a parrot. It sounds like you don't know how to take care of your kids if you are always turning down free, lovable pets for them. THAT can kill their spirits. Why even put an ad up if you aren't willing to be reasonable? Sorry this parrot isn't perfect. You can't expect people to give you Toucan fucking Sam for free. I can't take him to the SPCA. They told me never to come back after I tried to give them a bunch of rats that my rat trap caught but didn't kill. If you don't take my parrot, I'm afraid my only option is to release him into my backyard, and then shoot him with my shotgun for sport. From Sandra ********* to Me You are a f*cking lunatic. From Me to Sandra *********** Sandra please take my parrot. I just checked and I don't have any more birdshot shells for my gun. Please don't make me have to drive all the way to Delaware to get more. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Draegan on August 25, 2009, 02:49:50 PM One more...
Quote The following post is a set of e-mails from me actually trying to sell my TV. I guess I was asking too much for it. Original ad: PLASMA HDTV - $850 I'm selling my 42" 720p Samsung Plasma TV (PN42A410). I bought it a year ago and there is nothing wrong with it. I just want to get a bigger TV with more P's. From ************@yahoo.com to Me hey will you take $700 for it From Me to ************@yahoo.com You are asking me to drop the price by $150. I am willing to do this if you let me shoot you in the groin with my paintball gun 20 times in a row. You can't wear a cup. I get to set the velocity to 450 FPS. From ************@yahoo.com to Me seriously? From Me to ************@yahoo.com Yes. 20 shots and its yours. From ************@yahoo.com to Me uhh no. hows $750 sound From Me to ************@yahoo.com Do you have a girlfriend? If you do, and she is hot (I'll need pics), and she blows me, you can have the TV for $750. You can't watch either. From ************@yahoo.com to Me fuck off dude From Me to ************@yahoo.com Tell you what, I'll sell it to you for $900 and you won't have to do any of that stuff. From ************@yahoo.com to Me wtf your ad said $850 From Me to ************@yahoo.com I added $50 for you trying to haggle me. I'll remove this $50 haggling fee if you let me break an empty vodka bottle over your head. From ************@yahoo.com to Me fuck off From **************@comcast.net to Me A TV like that goes for $699 brand new at Best Buy. I'll give you $400 for it? From Me to **************@comcast.net For $400, I will cut the TV in half with a sawzall and give you half of it. Which half would you like? The left half has all of the HDMI inputs, and the right half has the power/channel/input buttons. From **************@comcast.net to Me I guess I'm going to Best Buy... From Me to **************@comcast.net WAIT! Before you go to Best Buy, consider my new offer: I'll sell you the TV for my new low price of $800. Also, I was planning on leaving it on a paused frame of gay porn all weekend so it would be burned into the screen, but I won't do this if you accept my offer within the next 10 minutes. From cory ***** to Me ill give you $600 cash for your tv From Me to cory ***** Sounds good! When can you come get it? From cory ***** to Me where do you live? From Me to cory ***** **** ******* From cory ***** to Me well ya i know that but like whats your address From Me to cory ***** I'm not telling you that. Sorry, but I just don't trust people from the internet. From cory ***** to Me well do you want to deliver it to my place? From Me to cory ***** And get kidnapped? I don't think so. Here's how it is going down: We'll meet Sunday afternoon in a crowded part of town. Lets say High St, by the courthouse. I'll be walking towards Market St and you'll be walking away from it at precisely 1:00 (when the courthouse clock goes off.) Have a black suitcase ready with $600 in unmarked, non-sequential US twenty-dollar bills. I'll have a suitcase as well, and be wearing a black suit. Tell me what you plan on wearing. We will accidentally bump into each other, drop our suitcases, and pick up the other person's suitcase and continue walking. The suitcase you pick up will have a key inside it to a 1998 Ford Econoline that will be parked on Miner Street. Use the key to open the back of the van, which will have the TV inside of it. Take the TV, and leave the key in the van. You will be watched so don't try anything funny. If the suitcase does not have $600 in it, the van will be destroyed. Does this work for you? From cory ***** to Me no wtf From Me to cory ***** why not? Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: voodoolily on August 25, 2009, 05:22:28 PM I bought a crib from a chick on craigslist and she insisted that I meet her at a grocery store parking lot. I think she was all scared after that pregnant lady got murdered by some crazy bitch on craigslist who was tryna sell baby clothes (http://chattahbox.com/us/2009/06/08/craigslist-linked-to-gruesome-murder-of-pregnant-woman-death-of-baby/).
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Nerf on August 25, 2009, 05:34:11 PM If it was something substantially less than $650, I'd totally do the whole briefcase swap just to see if he went through with it. Thats a pretty epic way to buy a TV.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Hindenburg on August 25, 2009, 06:50:24 PM Except that you're giving him the money first.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Nerf on August 25, 2009, 07:14:50 PM If it was something substantially less than $650 Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Samwise on August 25, 2009, 07:20:02 PM Except that you're giving him the money first. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: lamaros on August 25, 2009, 07:24:25 PM If it was something substantially less than $650. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Draegan on August 25, 2009, 07:30:46 PM Except that you're giving him the money first. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: schild on August 25, 2009, 07:37:35 PM Oh, oh, more more.
Someone quote it again. It'll get funny this time. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Samwise on August 25, 2009, 07:59:20 PM Oh, oh, more more. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Furiously on August 25, 2009, 10:27:11 PM Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Nerf on August 25, 2009, 11:16:34 PM 's so easy to join!
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Tebonas on August 26, 2009, 06:20:51 AM You people kill hornets? Wasps I get, they are aggressive buggers. But killing hornets must just be for the fun of it. I'm always glad when I have a hornets nest nearby. They kill off the real nuisances, there are quite mellow for insects, and their poison is less potent than that of a bee if you happen to corner them and make them afraid. Go kill wasps instead! One stung me last week right under my armpit just for standing around and talking. Fuckers!
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: chargerrich on August 26, 2009, 07:13:32 AM OYG that is hilarious! Love the parrot one in particular!
Thanks for posting these, I do not dare go to the site at work :ye_gods: Keep em coming! Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: voodoolily on August 26, 2009, 09:25:50 AM You people kill hornets? Wasps I get, they are aggressive buggers. But killing hornets must just be for the fun of it. I'm always glad when I have a hornets nest nearby. They kill off the real nuisances, there are quite mellow for insects, and their poison is less potent than that of a bee if you happen to corner them and make them afraid. Go kill wasps instead! One stung me last week right under my armpit just for standing around and talking. Fuckers! I'm not sure you know what you're talking about. Hornets/yellow jackets are aggressive scavengers and sting for no reason. Wasps are pollinating insects that lay their eggs inside pest insects, and they keep to themselves. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Tebonas on August 26, 2009, 10:05:16 AM Oh, it seems we are really talking about different animals. Then for clarification:
When I say Hornet I mean the European hornet (Vespa Crabro). Cute as a Kitty. They even back down and flee if possible (except when defending their nest). Yellow jackets (Vespula Germanica or Vulgaris), are the vicious bastards I talk about when I say Wasps. I guess you are talking about the Bald-faced hornet (Dolichovespula maculata), which really sounds like a piece of work as well. It technically is a Wasp, but called a Hornet in the US (that I was not aware of, sorry for that). Hell, there even is a European subspecies of the Bald-faces hornet, the Dolichovespula media. Seems it is a nasty animal as well. The more I read about it, the more I wonder whats wrong with the Crabos. Hippy Pinko European Socialist hornets. I guess all that healthcare pampered them :awesome_for_real: Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Sky on August 26, 2009, 10:25:35 AM I found two hornet nests in my neighbor's house just talking to him at the fence. He swore at the amount of bees and I said "well, there's a lot of activity through your foundation block". Then I saw the massive activity from his eaves, there was a half-inch hole where two boards didn't meet up and it was literally swarming with them. He didn't even know they were there.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: voodoolily on August 26, 2009, 10:32:58 AM I guess you are talking about the Bald-faced hornet (Dolichovespula maculata), which really sounds like a piece of work as well. It technically is a Wasp, but called a Hornet in the US (that I was not aware of, sorry for that). Bald-faced hornets are pretty scary, mostly on account of the fact that they're huge and nest close to the ground (I've come *thisclose* to accidentally punting one whilst walking through tall grass - their nest looks like a big, gray medicine ball). When I say "wasp" I mean any of the various paper wasps (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paper_wasp), which are what we commonly get in this part of North America. They're still Vespids, but of different genera (Polistes). In South America, the fig trees that comprise the rainforests are completely dependent on wasps for pollination. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: NowhereMan on August 27, 2009, 01:12:09 AM Yeah, wasp anywhere in Europe means a yellow jacket. That's one Americanism I was not aware of, I'd heard the term yellow jacket but always assumed it was some sort of hornet thing since it got differentiated from wasps. Also it's now getting nearer that wonderful time of year when wasps get kicked out of their nests and become pointlessly aggressive.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Cyrrex on August 27, 2009, 07:56:07 AM Not "pointlessly" aggressive. They got you scared, don't they?
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: NowhereMan on August 27, 2009, 09:53:19 AM Great, they manage to turn people who would otherwise ignore them into people hell bent on their destruction. Other animals pissing off human beings is like spitting in the jocks' food in High school, they'll be stunned enough for a minut but then they're probably going to try and beat the shit out of you.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: tazelbain on August 27, 2009, 10:16:38 AM Ya, what a bunch of dumbasses....
WTF. You have issues. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: voodoolily on August 27, 2009, 12:41:28 PM Yeah, wasp anywhere in Europe means a yellow jacket. That's one Americanism I was not aware of, I'd heard the term yellow jacket but always assumed it was some sort of hornet thing since it got differentiated from wasps. Also it's now getting nearer that wonderful time of year when wasps get kicked out of their nests and become pointlessly aggressive. The yellow jackets (hornets) do just sting out of spite this time of year, since the winter kills them they have nothing to lose. Makes mushroom picking more interesting. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Hawkbit on August 27, 2009, 03:50:02 PM Anyone mess with mud daub wasps before? I had a mud/clay nest outside of my front door a few years ago and managed to kill the offending wasps involved. When I knocked down the nest, it broke open on the ground and out came a bunch of stuff.
The nest contained larvae of the wasps, little wiggling worms. It also dumped out hundreds of little things that on closer inspection, I found to be paralyzed spiders. Yes, you read that right. The wasp bites the spiders with a paralyzing agent and carries them off to the nest where the spiders stay enclosed for days, maybe weeks until the larvae hatch to eat. Scary thread material here folks. Super duper derail, btw. Glad to be a part. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Endie on August 27, 2009, 05:13:24 PM Anyone mess with mud daub wasps before? I had a mud/clay nest outside of my front door a few years ago and managed to kill the offending wasps involved. When I knocked down the nest, it broke open on the ground and out came a bunch of stuff. The nest contained larvae of the wasps, little wiggling worms. It also dumped out hundreds of little things that on closer inspection, I found to be paralyzed spiders. Yes, you read that right. The wasp bites the spiders with a paralyzing agent and carries them off to the nest where the spiders stay enclosed for days, maybe weeks until the larvae hatch to eat. Scary thread material here folks. Super duper derail, btw. Glad to be a part. Spiders do that to others. That's some Dante-esque punishment-fits-the-crime shit right there. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Torinak on August 27, 2009, 06:43:31 PM I guess you are talking about the Bald-faced hornet (Dolichovespula maculata), which really sounds like a piece of work as well. It technically is a Wasp, but called a Hornet in the US (that I was not aware of, sorry for that). Bald-faced hornets are pretty scary, mostly on account of the fact that they're huge and nest close to the ground (I've come *thisclose* to accidentally punting one whilst walking through tall grass - their nest looks like a big, gray medicine ball). When I say "wasp" I mean any of the various paper wasps (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paper_wasp), which are what we commonly get in this part of North America. They're still Vespids, but of different genera (Polistes). In South America, the fig trees that comprise the rainforests are completely dependent on wasps for pollination. Whoa, these Yeah, we'll remove the nests once they freeze this winter, and will probably try to keep them from returning (at least too close to the house), but they haven't been a problem so far, with two volleyball-sized nests in a bush a bit outside our front door, and a beachball-sized nest (!) on our shed. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: 01101010 on August 27, 2009, 07:15:31 PM Whoa, these Yeah, we'll remove the nests once they freeze this winter, and will probably try to keep them from returning (at least too close to the house), but they haven't been a problem so far, with two volleyball-sized nests in a bush a bit outside our front door, and a beachball-sized nest (!) on our shed. See.... no. No way, no sir. Insects equipped with not only flight but small sharp melee weapons? fuck that... they are getting the gas face. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: voodoolily on August 28, 2009, 11:05:37 AM Whoa, these Yeah, we'll remove the nests once they freeze this winter, and will probably try to keep them from returning (at least too close to the house), but they haven't been a problem so far, with two volleyball-sized nests in a bush a bit outside our front door, and a beachball-sized nest (!) on our shed. I would hazard that the fumes from the lawnmower must've calmed them a bit. Though their sting only gets a rating of 2.0 on the Schmidt Sting Pain Index (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schmidt_Sting_Pain_Index). Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: IainC on August 28, 2009, 12:13:07 PM Back on the original topic the guy who did the spider gif (http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html) has some pretty funny email exchanges on his blog.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: voodoolily on August 28, 2009, 02:45:48 PM Back on the original topic the guy who did the spider gif (http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html) has some pretty funny email exchanges on his blog. A Baby's Smile is kinda funny. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: 01101010 on September 02, 2009, 05:42:27 PM Along the theme of the thread... this (http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=665847) made me laugh.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: IainC on September 03, 2009, 01:40:44 AM Along the theme of the thread... this (http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=665847) made me laugh. That's the guy in my link two posts up. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: lamaros on September 03, 2009, 02:09:48 AM The emails to the guy having a housewarming party are also amusing.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: 01101010 on September 03, 2009, 08:30:35 AM Along the theme of the thread... this (http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=665847) made me laugh. That's the guy in my link two posts up. ah shit. I dropped the ball. Sometimes I miss the links. Sry. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Arthur_Parker on March 18, 2010, 12:50:27 PM Back on the original topic the guy who did the spider gif (http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html) has some pretty funny email exchanges on his blog. From the same blog, I liked this. Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus have a sword fight. (http://www.27bslash6.com/easter.html) Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Draegan on March 19, 2010, 08:12:46 AM lol
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: LK on March 19, 2010, 10:19:44 AM Holy crap did he ever nail that guy. The best part is when he pointed out how he was breaking the law calling himself a chaplain, and then it all fell apart.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Segoris on March 19, 2010, 11:22:16 AM That was pure awesome.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Samwise on March 19, 2010, 11:31:20 AM I lost it at the cactus wearing a hat. Genius.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Arthur_Parker on October 14, 2010, 01:46:51 AM It looks like a dog with a blanket on it. I'm not going to waste anyones time sending an officer out to check that. (http://www.27bslash6.com/trash.html)
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: lamaros on October 14, 2010, 03:32:53 AM Quote I checked with Carol at the mini golf hut and no pants were found on the fence. I doubt any of that really happened. That looks like a dog with a blanket on it. I'm not going to waste anyones time sending an officer out to check that. Yes! Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Nerf on October 14, 2010, 04:14:07 AM Quote I checked with Carol at the mini golf hut and no pants were found on the fence. I doubt any of that really happened. That looks like a dog with a blanket on it. I'm not going to waste anyones time sending an officer out to check that. Yes! I preferred this bit: Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Segoris on October 14, 2010, 06:58:29 AM Quote I checked with Carol at the mini golf hut and no pants were found on the fence. I doubt any of that really happened. That looks like a dog with a blanket on it. I'm not going to waste anyones time sending an officer out to check that. Yes! That quote was awesome, but with the accompanying picture it went from awesome to :drill: Here's something for the cat thread: Quote Due to the abundant supply of cats in the area, I'm surprised bears bother with the trash at all. As I have run over at least four cats this week and one of those did not put up much of a chase Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: schild on October 14, 2010, 07:18:05 AM Preferred the foggot one prior ( http://www.27bslash6.com/foggot.html ). Though, it felt fake.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Khaldun on October 14, 2010, 07:38:15 AM It did a bit but then I thought about some forums I've read while trawling through online sewers of various kinds, and, well, there are at least some people out there who are really like that.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Lantyssa on October 14, 2010, 11:43:25 AM I read it and it had me in stitches. The end was simple but beautiful.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Paelos on October 14, 2010, 12:23:34 PM I love the dog in the coat in the car. That had my rolling.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Cadaverine on October 14, 2010, 05:12:54 PM I think I've ruptured something. :drill:
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Abagadro on October 15, 2010, 10:39:05 PM Quote others prefer the company of a woman two KFC family buckets away from upsetting the planet's rotational axis. Dude is awesome. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: squirrel on October 16, 2010, 07:52:33 PM Quote Also, while I was able to persuade the bear to exit my vehicle by pretending to be an old lady looking for her cat, it is now inside my premises. Oh dear - I'm laughing so hard I hurt. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Arthur_Parker on January 16, 2011, 02:35:10 PM I am sick to death of dealing with you designers. Being able to draw and dressing like women doesn't make you special (http://www.27bslash6.com/bob.html)
Quote The Jumping Frog charge relates to an event early on in my career when I made the mistake of offering a client a fixed price for a two hundred page website. Once the design was signed off and the build completed over a three month period, the client requested that each page include a frog jumping around the screen because his wife liked frogs. Purchasing a frog from the local pet store and filming it by holding a camera above and a cigarette lighter behind to persuade it to jump, I spent the next two weeks incorporating it into every page of the website. A few days later, the client described the addition as "very annoying" and requested it be removed and replaced with a 3D animated frog jumping onto the screen, holding a thumb up, and speaking the words "jump on down and grab a bargain." After providing a quote for this, I was informed that the amendments would be made "under the original fixed price or no payment would be made at all." The next day, their home page was replaced with a single image of a frog giving the finger and a voice bubble stating "I jump for cash, bitch." Another one, not sure if his date order is messed up or what on the homepage. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Sand on January 17, 2011, 01:13:09 PM I just spent the last 4 hours of work time devoted to nothing but reading that guy's blog.
He is a genius. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Sky on January 19, 2011, 07:23:51 AM Love that site. Catching up on some of the new ones, I like when he puts "tarded" or "dneck" as the subject for his emails.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Ironwood on January 20, 2011, 02:45:06 AM Oh God, the Chatroulette one. I can't breathe.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: NowhereMan on January 20, 2011, 03:10:47 AM Quote "You can't trust girls. When I get a girlfriend I am not going to tell her where I live or work." His son is very advanced. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: stu on January 20, 2011, 10:26:04 AM Haha He sent the Christmas CD to his former boss from a couple posts up.
Quote Wow. More proof that you really are a complete dickhead. A whole cd of you humming? I hope you sank a lot of money into this and starve to death. Robert Schaefer , Managing Director Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Arthur_Parker on March 22, 2014, 12:48:13 PM "YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR TIMESHEETS. EVERYONE DOES." (http://www.27bslash6.com/timesheets.html)
Quote 10am Arrived at work. Answered the phone on Simon's desk with "Hello, this is Simon Dempsey speaking. How may I be of help to you?" Told client I would have a pdf to them "as quick as a cheetah." 10.30am Accessed Simon’s computer using his secret password ‘Archmage’ in order to locate and send requested pdf to client. Sent. Read Simon's emails. Replied to his mother regarding her question about what to get Auntie Maureen for her birthday. Recommended jumping castle. 11.30am Attempted to log into Simon's Facebook. Clicked 'send me my password'. Checked Simon's email. Logged into Simon's Facebook. Changed status to single. Sent Karen a message saying "Ignore the status change. We haven't broken up. I just don't want anyone to know I have a girlfriend." Looked at pictures Simon uploaded of himself in a boat. Googled the names of the two guys in Miami Vice. Tagged Simon's nipples 'Sony' and 'Chubbs'. 4pm Left for the day. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Cyrrex on August 24, 2012, 03:54:30 AM What's with the influx of gold selling idiots today? That said, I like the snarky attitude of this particular one.
Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Murgos on August 24, 2012, 05:24:38 AM This one is interesting. It seems to be the result of a web search hit on stuff in this thread and then posting a random sentence from those results.
This particular phrase gets one hit, a response to David Thorne's Humming Album. David Thorne is pretty much the inventor of the 'stupid email chain' thing that this thread is about. So, clever, but not quite there yet. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: 01101010 on August 24, 2012, 05:41:06 AM What's with the influx of gold selling idiots today? That said, I like the snarky attitude of this particular one. They are adapting... Skynet is evolving. Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: Nerf on August 25, 2012, 01:04:58 AM "YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR TIMESHEETS. EVERYONE DOES." (http://www.27bslash6.com/timesheets.html) Quote 10am Arrived at work. Answered the phone on Simon's desk with "Hello, this is Simon Dempsey speaking. How may I be of help to you?" Told client I would have a pdf to them "as quick as a cheetah." 10.30am Accessed Simon’s computer using his secret password ‘Archmage’ in order to locate and send requested pdf to client. Sent. Read Simon's emails. Replied to his mother regarding her question about what to get Auntie Maureen for her birthday. Recommended jumping castle. 11.30am Attempted to log into Simon's Facebook. Clicked 'send me my password'. Checked Simon's email. Logged into Simon's Facebook. Changed status to single. Sent Karen a message saying "Ignore the status change. We haven't broken up. I just don't want anyone to know I have a girlfriend." Looked at pictures Simon uploaded of himself in a boat. Googled the names of the two guys in Miami Vice. Tagged Simon's nipples 'Sony' and 'Chubbs'. 4pm Left for the day. Holy fuck, Arthur is posting from THE FUTURE. Can you tell me if I ever found enough time to actually configure my new CMMS software? Title: Re: Emails from an Asshole Post by: ghost on September 04, 2012, 02:51:37 PM This is perfect (http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=84).
Quote Hilarity ensues...... |