f13.net

Will probably see this, seems like fairly mindless entertainment.

I do like Roger Ebert's review though (http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090623/REVIEWS/906239997)

Pretty scathing review, still going to see this the instant its convenient.

Made me laugh more than is right.

So then it's just as shitty as the first one. That's not a review, just a statement of probability.

No. Shittier.

At least that seems to be the consensus of all the reviews I've read so far.

You don't say.

Ebert is becoming more erratic. He gave 3/4 stars to Land of the Lost, the worst movie I've seen in some time.

Probably depends on how the drugs he's on mixes with the movie.

No.  No no nonononon.

I've just come back from seeing this.

It's Cancer.  It's fucking Vile.  It's the worst thing in a long time that I've seen. 

I just read on Wiki that Bay took a hastily written treatment and turned it into a script.  It fucking Shows.  This film is fucking awful and you'd be as well watching that Youtube of 'BAYSPLOSIONS' Again and again and again and fucking again.

It's awful.

And Megan Fox is Still Fucking Mucky.  Someone PLEASE wipe her fucking face.

So the old guard is once again slamming it.. meaning my son and nephews will love it.   Sounds like they did what they set out to do and it'll do well.

It's entirely possible to be both old and also tell that a movie is shit. Nice false dichotomy you got going there though.

I'm assuming he's making the point that you were looking for more when kids or younger people are just longer for the 'splosions with giant fucking robots.

I like splosions and giant robots if it is done well. Being an old bastard doesn't prevent that.

Take money from people with poor taste?  :awesome_for_real:

The thing I don't get about these new Transformers movies is that the robots themselves look idiotic. They don't look like vehicles or like anything other than a random collection of moving parts and they all pretty much look the same. It's absolutely terrible visual design, as if to create the robots they took a hammer to a bunch of Bionicles and then reassembled them randomly.

Given how fast this movie was pumped it it pretty much had to be shit. So no surprises there.

That's the intention. In the cartoon the Transformers look like robots made out of car parts. In the movie(s) (haven't seen the 2nd one yet) the car parts are just an adaptation to camouflage their real appearance when they landed on Earth and their real "form" wouldn't have any car parts dangling about at all.

Oh seriously, go and fuck yourself.  I loved the first one.

Thought the first one was audiovisual ass with occasional flashes of funny.

Glad to see missing the second one won't be a major hardship.

Someone REALLY needs to be present at every major movie deal, who's sole purpose is to stand there, with a large spiked impliment of destruction, and viciously beat anyone who even hints at the suggestion of the use of a Jar Jar binks style "comedy relief" character in the movie.   Seriously, the movie would be 100x better if the "Twins" had gotten vapourised in the first 20 seconds, in some kind of gritty ultra violent mechanical murder romp.

And gotta love how the token characters always seem to be the ones that get wasted.

First movie, the token black transformer bites it.
Second movie, the token female transformer bites it within 0.1 seconds of finishing her only line of dialogue.

Part of the charm of transformers is that the dude who turns into a jet looks like he can turn into a jet and watching him turn into a jet and back is cool. If he just magically morphs then what's the point?

Also I would point out that Optimus transforms into a big barrel-chested guy, Sideswipe turns into a sleek guy and Megatron / Galvatron / Shockwave can use their gun barrels in robot form. The fact that the robots take design elements from the vehicles is great, it ties their designs together and makes them visually distinct.

I am pretty sure this is the best review of this movie. Kind of long, but I am almost positive it's more entertaining than the movie itself:

http://io9.com/5301898/michael-bay-finally-made-an-art-movie

Awesome.  Now I kind of want to see the movie.

Wasn't a major plot point of the first movie that they were able to keep megatron frozen in stasis for decades? Why exactly do the decepticons want to destroy the sun if they can freeze like anything else?

For Energon.

They weren't planning on staying.


Dont ask me why.  It wasn't too clear.

Have you ever fallen into a city-sized Cuisinart that is grinding its way through a vast Chinese scrap metal field and had your face abraded with shards of aluminum and eyelash-size scraps of rusty torn iron, so all the skin is peeling off your face, your delicate nose-bones being flayed by grinding gear bits and yesterday's shredded microchips and at the same time that song "Citizen Soldier" from the National Guard commercials is blaring at top volume, and somewhere in the distance you can see that "The Hurt Locker" is screening for no good reason and there is sand inside what remains of your teeth and then Megan Fox float-flounces by (like the cow in "Twister"!) with her nipples nearly pouring out of her crop-top camisole and some kid is trying to give her a flower but she is like "I am sooo busy getting highly paid and even though the makeup department set their mirror to 'evening' instead of 'day' and so my beautiful perfect skin is sort of plastered needlessly with foundation, I am still the hottest sex doll on two legs," and so she doesn't take the flower, the poor sad flower, which stands for natural beauty, a flower which is then blenderized like a sad goose sucked into a jet turbine? If so, then you have seen the new "Transformers" movie, which opens tonight at midnight, and despite all this awful noise and machinery, the real star of this movie is Megan Fox's rack, which is unparalleled in our modern time.

Megan Fox is a magical Disney cartoon, a Jessica Rabbit run wild, and she eagerly invites the camera to attend to her every crevice and flesh-folded intersection. Even as an avowed homosexual, I cannot help but notice just how feverishly she thrusts her secret parts towards the camera at every opportunity. (Of course, the camera thrusts back, as it has the hideous, orc-like eye of "director" Michael Bay leering behind it, and clearlyhe is touching some grotesque and unnaturally short and discolored protuberance of his own flesh the whole while.) In a slightly worse world, Megan Fox would be the star not of Hasbro's idiot "Transformer" franchise but of something that has the phrase "Double Penetration" in the title. All on her own, she is reeling back twenty years of gender and film studies textbooks. While we may have thought the male gaze was wilting or troublesome, Megan Fox proves that (for her and a select few others, at least) the male gaze is just some flimsy and pitiful little ray to rub her flesh up against so as to keep warm her nearly-exposed rump. She is hard to believe, with the soft kitty-cat stripper ways of a Gina Gershon melded with the hard machineness of a Linda Fiorentino.

Can this machine do anything else? It may not matter!

The plot behind the endlessly-long series of explosions that Megan Fox's rack is forced to endure is impossible to relate or understand. Of course, the world is going to end if the bad machines get their way. That is the plot in theory. In practice, there are a bunch of machines who are mad at other machines and they enter into many encounters where they whirl around, but if you are any kind of normal person, you won't be able to tell which machine is which, and so it will pretty much look like two or more enormous microwaves with swords violently mating. Some horrible chaos happened in the editing room where someone tried to make sense of this mess but it was too late. There are some ludicrous attempts at exposition. Actually, many of them—Hasbro & Co. are trying to throw so much into this movie to account for its endless run time, they have to keep stepping back and have some machine explain its motivation. This is hilariously sad.

There is exactly one funny joke in this endless, extremely long and unbelievably loud and nonsensical movie, and it has to do with the invention of the wheel. The rest of the things that pass for humor—which often take place at the worst possible time, as the "director" feels the need to add moments of levity to its explosions, thereby undermining his "end of the world" scenario constantly—are frat-boy fag jokes, crudities, robots farting, and general moronities. All told the script is WAY too crude for children; but also, far too childish for teenagers. At least people of every age and gender can have a relationship with Megan Fox's phantasmagorical rack.

—Choire (http://www.theawl.com/2009/06/flicked-off-transformers2-the-revenge-of-megan-foxs-rack)

But then Shithead LeBoob would never get another job! We can't let that happen.

Wait...nm...I am all for this.

Transformers BiiF:

This movie is awful, and I have a pretty low tolerance for mindless pap. It has entertaining moments, but every single scene is woefully predictable and the plot makes little sense. Enemies spontaneously come and go during scenes with no real logic, Shia is a douce, the minor characters are bland stereotypes and there is absolutely zero sense or suspense anywhere. The fights are unenjoyable because it is so hard to tell CGI robot from CGI robot from explosion. The only charm is a single new robot who enters late in the movie. The most annoying thing is that it feels bad to write a bad review of this movie; it's like punching a baby, easily done, but not positive or satisfying.

This movie is basically 2.5 hours of military hardware porn, interspersed with CGI.

Rating: Avoid.


This is true, sadly you have to sit through 1.5 hours of the movie to get to it. This moment briefly redeemed the movie for me, but as quickly as it came, it fell by the wayside.

Oh, and Megan Fox is still insanely hot.

This is what I'm thinking. I don't plan to go see it. I heard about the wigger Autobots and the ro-balls and I know that whatever reined in Bay on the first movie was missing for this one.

Movie will make bank though. There's a lot of morons who go to the movies to slurp shit and grin. I don't feel like picking Bay's corn out of my teeth this time around.

He messed up his hand so badly in his car crash that it's going to be a while before he works again.

I saw it last night. The theater was packed. The movie was alright. I was a little annoyed at the undercurrent of "Obama is an ani-military idiot!" until I remembered the thinly disguised Bush jab in hte last one. The fight scenees were marginally better, the plot was marginally worse.

2 1/2 hours long?  WHAAAT?  The first one was waaaaay too long.  What's wrong with these people?  I can't sit still that long to watch a film in my own comfy living room without a break, let alone a claustrophobic, smelly theatre filled with stinky, nasty strangers!  Even with tons of crazy special effects!  :uhrr:

If you sit through the film long enough, Bay will EXPLODE them all for you...

Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen's Wednesday midnight opening broke box office records by $16 million with its first screenings, becoming the largest Wednesday midnight opening ever... and the third biggest midnight opening of all time.

There is no god.

No. There is. And he is cruel.

Transformers is the new school fire and brimstone then?  Gotcha.

If you didn't expect transformers 2 to break opening records you were an idiot.  Whether the movie is 2 and a half hours of brilliant cinema or just fart jokes people would have come in droves based on the first one. 

What will be a true test is seeing how well this movie does in the coming weeks with word of mouth.

Just saw it and it fully deserves the shit its receiving. Ignoring the undecipherable plot the battle scenes were so jumbled and confusing most of the time i could not even tell what was going on. Most of the time it just cuts to a scene full of battling robots with no sense of context. My eyes are fairly craptastic and my seat was a ways back, but most of the time I couldn't even tell who was who, let alone catch the details of the fights themselves.

Thank you for that.

Guess I need to go see it then.

No, Seriously, you don't.

Megan can be found all over the internet in various states of undress.  You miss nothing by missing this movie.

<blah>

Wait, I've read that before.  In this thread...

Hahaha, wow, I was overwhelmed.

I think the opening weekend is partly a testament to how much timing matters for summer films. There hasn't been much out for a few weeks, there isn't much that's hotly anticipated yet, a lot of people are bored and want to go sit in a cool theater. So if you get your product out at the right moment, you score as long as it looks moderately entertaining. I would expect a big, big dropoff for this in a week's time.

I enjoyed it, but the way I enjoy most Godzilla movies.  Its shit, the plot is moronic, and hot chicks are there to give you something to look at while they spout exposition before the next scene of giant things smacking each other around.

Would be interesting to see how much the opening correlates with the above average high temps accross most of the country this week.

Transformers 2 FAQ! (http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/06/bonus_robs_transformers_2_faqs.php?page=1)

Exactly !!!  And I'm glad I wasn't the only one who noticed the 6 Decepticons thing...

His actual review of it is pretty good too. (http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/06/tr_review_transformers_revenge_of_the_fallen.php)

 :awesome_for_real:

That FAQ was very well done.

If you like this site, you may like this movie. (http://www.explosionsandboobs.com/)

I saw it, I didn't think it was horrible.  It's kind of what I expected from a Michael Bay movie.  The plot isn't great but it's not really as hard to follow as people make it out to be.  Or maybe it's because I don't try to think when I see movies like this, I basically just turn my brain off.

Irony.  From the review above your post.

Come on now, when you when you're in the desert scrubland and mountain ranges just outside of the smithsonian in DC. and you're going to the Great pyramids of Jordan, complete with the John Turturo talking to admirals on walkie talies about insane shit and ... *BAM*

Sorry, synapses exploded in my head. everything smells like smoke and I can taste copper.  I think I"m going to lie down

They didn't give two shits about this movie. man even the 'splosions were crap and *BAM* ok, can't afford to many of those. Just don't see this crap. ever.

First transformers kicked ass.

Godzilla is awesome. How dare you.

(http://www.clisham.com-a.googlepages.com/godzillaandson.jpg)

Ah so cute :awesome_for_real:

The scene where he coughs up some "smoke rings" is one of the greatest moments in movie history evah! :drill:

Edit: of the

I really need to know one thing, is there at least 3 scenes as cool as when Megatron transforms right above the street in LA and the cars are flying everywhere?  Just that scene made the first one ok to watch, barely, but this sounds like its going to need 3+

Don't say fight scenes unless they are very different from the first one, I had a really hard time figuring out who was doing what in any of the terrible fight scenes in the first one.

The negative reviews for The Fallen sounds like everything that was wrong with the first one.

Bumblebee pissing on Turturo.  Jazz as a racial stereotype.  Soundwave pantsing the Beef.  Inconsistencies between scenes, masturbation jokes, incomprehensible action, terrible humor, a retarded story.  It had them all.

Bay just cranked it up 11 this time around.

This was probably the biggest wtf moment for me, and I noticed the 5-6 transformer mismatch on the diving experience.

1) Outside Smithstonian
2) inside smithstonian
3) Robot punches hole in wall everyone walks out and they are in.... fields

I mean, how did nobody raise comment on this stuff while the movie was being made.

Cause Michael Bay was Executive Producer *and* Director -- i.e. he was his own boss and he did whatever he wanted. And as long as his movies continue to make boatloads of money that'll continue.

Prime going drizzt is pretty awesome. But it suffers from the same "wtf is is going on?" flaw as the first movie times 1000.

I didn't realize Mr. Ebert was a 35+ Tech Manager from Scotland. Hey there.   I meant what Nix said, with a bit of the snarky "parting people from their money" that Margalis quipped.   

It's a simple formula and its aim is to generate big box office bucks, hype the restaurant tie-ins and sell the merchandise, not produce the next Gone With the Wind.    Like I said, the son and nephews will eat it up while I'll - again- say "wtf?" to the whole thing.    Revisiting some of my old favorites on the trip to DC this past weekend I realized they were shit, too, to a 35 year old guy looking at it with any kind of thinking.  However they still get lots of love from old men with the blinders of nostalgia on.

That's a really tired argument. It isn't blinders of nostalgia that makes people like me hate on the Bayformers, it's real, serious problems with things like the art direction, robot design, cinematography and plot (or lack thereof).

I think we can safely say he wasn't even aiming for Battlefield Earth at this point.

I liked it. Not as much as the first but I liked it.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY liked the previews for 2012, GI Joe.
The Last Airbender? WTF? No idea what that shit was.

It doesn't matter.. it's a Shyamalan movie so it will suck 10 times more then anything Bay could make.

Like a Bay movie without explosions.

Exactly!  At least Bay can do explosions!

I get the feeling you've confused yourself and you took his comment out of context.

While not wanting to prolong the argument, I'm surprised kids like this.  It's a mish mash of confusing nonsense.

Wait, never mind.  I have to go watch 'In The Night Garden' with Elena.

 :uhrr:

Its the greatest stupid movie ever made, replacing the original which previously held that distinction.

'In The Night Garden' makes 'Boohbah' look like a hardcore drama series. If you can, steer her towards 'Pocoyo' - that can at least be funny.

Is this movie better or worse than Robot Jocks?

Now there is a cheesy robot movie done right.

Superior robots, inferior everything else.

Lawl I just watched this movie again like a week ago.

Not sure which film you're talking about, but I do remember a Robot Jox.

2012 might be interesting. Two things make GI Joe a muss not see movie for me:

1) The same damn Wayans brother that was in Dungeons and Dragons has a part in this
2) Those stupid ass suits. I promise you that in practice you'll be wishing for Transformers fight scenes since at least you can tell who Optimus is. In GI Joe it'll be 5 people in mechanical suits versus 5 people in variations of black leather. Good luck with that.

Going to say the same thing about Joe as I said about Transformers 1:

As long as I see (Optimus smacking someone/Baroness in leather) I'll be a happy man.

Now, if they follow the story of 'Hush Job' and have the Baroness stripped to her sussies in a closet;  so much the better.

Wow, you really got it bad don't you?  Are sussies underpants, or something less than that?

I would guess a garter belt ("suspenders")

Looking at the box office numbers, there's no collapse big enough to keep this from being a huge success. It did $200m in the first four days. Star Trek, a big hit in it's own right, has done $246m thus far over the course of it's entire two month run. Jesus.

While on holiday, I explained to the wife my grand theory of My Attraction to Real Life Women as it Relates to The Baroness.

She was less than impressed.

But she looks like the baroness.  As all the women I've ever been happy with have.

I know.  I know.

Leave me alone.

Hang on here.  The TF thread has turned into the GI Joe thread.  Which is down there.

 :uhrr:

IMO there is no wrong place or time to discuss the baroness.

Meh.  Scarlett's better. 

But I always did like redheads.

I disagree.

However, the only way to be certain is to strip them both naked, cover them in oil and have them fight it out.

This just confirms my belief that you've always had good taste in women. ;D

Would be a much better movie than either transformers2 or gi joe

Transformers 3, robots masturbating to human females wrestling in oil.

That would be better than anything ever made ever.  It would be the end of mankind as we would have nothing left to strive for.

GET THIS MAN $100 $200 $350 MILLION DOLLARS - WE GO INTO PRE-PRODUCTION ON TUESDAY!  :grin:

My vote would be for Dr. Girlfriend and Molotov Cocktease.

TRotF in one minute.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fqN_wCK9hM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fqN_wCK9hM)

That looks vaguely like something from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Just seen it. For a kids movie, it was OK. I just felt aside from Optimus and Bumblebee, the rest of the autobots seem to be underused. And wasn't Bumblebee voice fixed at the end of the first one or something? There'll be sequel, I'm sure of it. I just hope they take away these Afrobots comic relief crap out of it.

What was your first clue Nostradamus, the $228 mil it took in for it's first 7 days?

Up to $250m and we're only now going into it's second weekend. It'll probably take a weekend-to-weekend dropoff at least 60 percent. These huge front-loaded blockbusters with $100m openers almost always do. But you know, I'm really not picking up hate for this movie from the sort of people who matter in the financial equation. By which I mean kids, teenagers, uncritical dudes who liked Transformers as a kid but don't have a blog full of action figure reviews.

This kind of movie rarely has genuine legs, but I'm not anticipating a real collapse either. It'll crush that Johnny Depp gangster flick head-to-head this weekend. We'll see if it beats out Ice Age 3. Probably not, unless Ice Age flops in comparison to it's predecessors.

Bruno comes out the weekend after too, and that's going to be pretty big; at least that's what I expect.

I'll be surprised if Bruno does anywhere near as well as Borat. The character just isn't as funny, there's a certain young male demographic that'll be squicked by it, and it doesn't have anywhere near the publicity. The whole spat with the Kazakh government, Borat holding a press conference in front of the White House, trying to push a note to "Glorious Warlord Bush" through the gate to the guard, and so forth. You can't buy that sort of publicity.

I expect it to be far less funny. But after the first movie i think he is more plugged in. I only vaguely knew who the guy was before Borat. I think it was kind of a sleeper hit (very well may be wrong). While this one, even if less funny is fucking everywhere.

Well Ice Age 3 did indeed open $27 million lower than the last one, and Transformers 2 maintained the top slot by a nose. It's dropoff was 61% which is about what I expected and perfectly respectable for a movie of this sort. It will have surpassed the gross of the first one before it's third weekend begins.

Ebert speaks. (http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/2009/07/i_am_a_brainiac.html).

And Ebert scores.

What the hell is wrong with hollywood?

Got 20 minutes? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgYhLIThTvk)

Sorry if this (http://io9.com/5301898/michael-bay-finally-made-an-art-movie) has been posted before, made me laugh.

Three times now, lol.

Is that some kind of a record for DNRTFT reposts in this short of a thead?

Did anyone else laugh their fucking asses off when Shia was cumming his pants during the classroom scene?  A solid 10 on the unintentional comedy scale.  Otehr than that, Fox was hot, the explosions were cool, the plot was a block of colby longhorn, and there were scenes that made you feel embarassed for Michael Bay.


Edit:  Have we already discussed the racist vibe?  What about the right-wing vibe?

This really wasn't all that bad. Nor was the first.

I also liked Optimus much better in it. I didn't realize how badass he was supposed to be.

 :oh_i_see:

What ?

He's Optimus Fucking Prime.

You saw this right?
Anyways, good cgi fights. And explosions. Michael Bay or not, it was entertaining.  :grin:

All the transformers just seemed to squishy in general. I mean fuck, the fallen was literally punched through the chest and he was supposedly one of the strongest ones.

That's what I'm trying to say though. Optimus just totally assrapes everything in this movie. All decepticons are squishy compared to him. The only reason he seemed squishy is because he had to take on like 4 of them, plus Megatron stabbing him in the back. I think it would follow that the Fallen would get his shit handed to him, seeing that Optimus already being who he is, also took on Jetfire's power. Made for a pretty anticlimactic fight though.

Exactly, Optimus is a "PRIME." He is of the pure race. All the others including the other autobots are weakened due to their impurity. The whole move is a cover for a neo-nazi wet dream about racial purity and shit. Cant you guys see that?

I'm still not getting where the confusion is, Stray.

Did you watch any of the old stuff ?  Did you see the original animated movie ?  The one where there was a seige of Autobot city that lasted 7 hours until Optimus arrived and KILLED ALL THE OPPOSITION SINGLE HANDED ?

Prime is simply that.  Best First.

Christ, he's risen from the dead a couple of times now.

Like robot Jesus?

I remember the movie and the series, but vaguely.. I was probably like 7 then. I remember crying... ironically because Prime got killed.  :grin:

But anyways, no.. I didn't realize he could kick everyone's ass so easily.

Optimus Prime is the Chuck Norris/Vin Diesel of the Transforming robot world.

Just watched it... now THAT was some bad writing.

All true...but it makes for a shitty movie.

The whole movie was shitty.  Nothing was going to change that.

Megatrons arrogant blathering was always funny to me considering how often Prime handed him his lungs.

That was a different dynamic tho.  The whole point of the Autobots vs Decepticons was that nine times out of ten the Decepticons were going to get trounced.  But the clue is kinda in the name ;  They are sneaky sons of bitches that rely on the peaceful nature of the transformers to gain power.   Bullying, pack oriented nutjobs who rely on scheming to get ahead of the game.  Megatron, for all his power, usually beat the Autobots when he was using his mind and being a sneaky son of a bitch.

If Prime hadn't stepped in to the fight on Autobot City, the war would have been OVER.  Not many people get this.  Megatron had the whole autobot populace stitched up like a kipper and it was only his defeat there followed by the interference of Unicron that saved Autobots from extinction.

Ahem.

Which is wholly what made Optimus' death so crushing.. and Rodimus that much more aggravating.

lol

I still haven't seen this, I'm waiting on DVD, but everything I hear about Prime being a badass in this movie kinda makes me want to cringe. I know how Bay portrays his badass characters... it isn't pretty, and not even funny. Just kinda pathetic.

Ironwood can run around calling everyone cunts all he wants, I'll still love him because he fucking gets Transformers: The Movie.

lol

I am not being ironic.

It isn't cheesy or anything like that. I really wouldn't Bay per se either. It's just good CG for a few brief scenes. Otherwise, the character is still the same Prime he was in the first movie. Which wasn't all that bad either.

[edit] The only glaring problem with these movies imho is that the transformers are virtually indistinguishable from each other.. Outside of Bumblebee and Optimus..and maybe a couple of others, I can't make them out well.

This movie was full of poop and fail. Not only do all but a few of the transformers look alike in robot form, the robot forms make no sense for any sort of combat. They're covered with tiny, moving delicate parts. Even made out of fabulous space alloys that not even the Mooninites can comprehend that shit would get bent like crazy. Post-fight, all those guys would work about as well as two pocket watches that you took the cases off of and banged together by taping them to the heads of a couple of hammers.

Just watched it. It was terrible.

I was in "Wow this doesn't make ANY fucking sense but whatever, I'll just turn my brain off and enjoy!" mode for like the first half. Then they got to Egypt and it just turned into this TEDIOUS LABORIOUS GOD DAMN ENDLESS battle sequence that just went on and on and fucking on for the entire rest of the movie.

There were HUGE segments of shit that belonged on the cutting room floor and which only served to bloat the movie out to way longer than it had any reason to be. Endless whirligig fights where you couldn't tell anyone apart, long bullshit wanking to every single piece of military hardware in the US arsenal... fuck. I have never been that bored looking at that much destruction.

It was completely fucking stupid. But I was prepared for stupid. What I'm not able to stomach from this movie is the fact that it's FUCKING BORING.

This movies honestly does not deserve the words, but anyway. Yeah it was bad. Really bad, like I really can't think of another movie that failed so dramatically on so many fronts.

But beyond being bad it was just incredibly lazy and amateur. Towards the end of the movie (on blueray) the aspect ratio changed several times between scenes going into and out of letterbox, I mean seriously, you couldn't keep the aspect ratio consistent, that was too hard? Also some of the CGI sequences (especially later in the film) were clearly half finished or done on the cheap, as they looked absolutely horrible, like made for TV SyFy movie horrible.

Fuck! I could go on for pages about how broken this movie is. Instead I will give you all my theory about it's existence. I believe that someone, with the help of Hollywood and Micheal Bay, is attempting to find out just how incredibly bad a movie has to be for America to reject it. Or if they can simply cram enough explosions, sex, and crude humor into two hours and no one will ever care.

Fake Edit: There is one failure that I must mention. The racist twins. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!?  What in Gods name were they thinking? From earlier posts I had assumed they would be a one shot gag, over in seconds and forgotten. But no! They probably have more fucking screen time and dialog then Optimus Prime.

It played out like bad fanfiction. Exactly like it. The kind where the writer doesn't bother to plot anything out ahead of time and just keeps typing, making shit up as they go along just to connect and justify the handful of "cool" scenes they had in mind.

"Okay there's a Transformer who's been hiding in the Smithsonian for years somehow, that's awesome, and then I want to have a big fight around one of the Egyptian pyramids. Wait, how do I get them to... Fuck it, Transformers can teleport now!"

Which is neither here nor there. What killed it for me was the lack of editing. I like explosions, Michael Bay. Just pick like your hundred best ones and keep the movie down to two hours. I hadn't yawned during that much carnage since Kill Bill.

It felt like a movie written as a film school class project. "Everyone write your own scene for the movie! It's about robots and a college kid and army guys!" Then they took them all and duct taped them together.

Did we really need 25 minutes of generic American Pie/College Comedy movie jammed in to the middle, just so that we could now have Decepticons become Terminators?

The entire Devastator sequence was inane - obviously shoe horned in just for merchandising and puting him in the trailer. He climbed up the pyramid, purely just so that the Jesus could call in a rail gun strike on him. Cool, ok.

Now, five minutes later in the movie, bad guys on top of the same fucking pyramid, about to destroy the world... Why don't they shoot off that fucking rail gun again?!
 :uhrr:

I love tearing apart bad movies. I think that's why I watch them.

You know, I enjoyed the first movie alot. This one? It had a few good scenes. That's about the best I can say. G.I. Joe was art compared to this movie and I usually enjoy Bay as a director.

Yep. I just saw this on DVD tonight. I didn't hate it, but it was a mishmash of story ideas and SFX with no concept of pacing or communicating to the audience.
Even if all you're communicating is "Badass robots fighting! Yar!" you have to actually accomplish that. Throwing shit at the camera and hoping it sticks is clownshoes.

In their defense, neither of the screenwriters claimed to like the movie when interviewed this past summer.

I read that. During the writers strike, Bay just kept on going and worked from the outline Orci and Kurtzman had done, instead of waiting for them to come back and write a real script. By the time the strike was over, I imagine the damage had been done.

Sounds like TF2 was the Tabula Rasa of sci fi movies. BIZOW!

I started watching it last night, and I'm going to try to finish it. But holy fuck, it's bad. Hurtful bad. I could only stomach the first hour so far. I mean, I knew I'd hate it - I watch a movie like this so I can talk about how bad it is. But man, it was worse than I thought it could be. Dialogue (if you can call it that) written by methhead frat boys trumpeting being methhead frat boys. Military equipment knob polishing and overly dramatic music played over the knobbing. Megan Fox draped across the screen in the most suggestive poses possible just because. No reason, just because. I have no idea what this movie is about. The camera will not stop moving ever. That's the part that irritates me the most. It's just lazy filmmaking. We don't have anything interesting or sensible to say in this scene so we'll move the camera to give it some sort of action. Oh and EXPLOSION!!!! Shit just blows up for no reason.

This movie is Uwe Boll levels of bad.

I now feel like I have to see this. Don't usually do watching movies on-line but there's no way I'm going to pay just to see how truly awful this is. Especially seeing as if it's as bad as people are saying I'm probably going to stop watching it 20 minutes in.

Edit: Ok I lasted almost half an hour. The military are riding around on trikes with missile launchers? The 'elite international task force' consists of having on British guy and a small union jack (importantly about half the size of the US flag) and reports directly to the Pentagon and White House? The whole fucking college bullshit with a roommate that has set up his on-line business in their palatial room? What the Fuck?

On top of all that it seems like there's only about 3 autobots that can do anything to Decepticons, what the hell is the point of having an elite task force costing probably billions when it's clear that those three are the only ones that can fucking do anything? This movie is horrible and based on this thread is only going to get worse.

TF2 made bank. Bay may suck at making movies, but he's pretty good at making money.

Tabula Rasa had a decent script. It may have been a lot of things but they had some good writers. Some of it was laugh out loud funny, especially the never ending circular conversation between 2 guards about how hot it was standing beside a river of lava.

See, this is the thing;  I didn't mind the first movie at all.  It worked, even though it wasn't exactly high art.

This one is so shit that it totally ruins the idea of big robots hitting each other.  How the fuck do you ruin that ?

IT'S BIG ROBOTS HITTING EACH OTHER!!!

Jetfire in the movie said it best "Plot, pacing, story? Blah!" Revenge was a pure action movie. This is Big Robots Hitting Each Other. And it isn't that great after all.

Big robots hitting each other with slightly better design so you could tell them apart and some (any) screen time devoted to developing their characters along with a plot that actually made some semblance of sense would have been awesome. I don't understand why every big action alien movie seems to need to have an hour of "America rah-rah-rah!" in it.

Ditch the humans beyond fringe figures, maybe include Sam as someone who gets to hang with the autobots but frankly we don't need to care about him all that much. Hell just give us some All-spark warrrglbarrrgl and then have the auto-bots debating what to do with him while the Decepticons try to grab him. There were big robots hittin each other but apart from Optimus and maybe Bumblebee the robots weren't really anything more than epic cool scenery or maybe cool weapons. Hell that fucking railgun got more screentime and plot importance than 99% of them. That (ridiculous plot fuckery and pointless racism aside) is why this movie was shit.

Big robots hitting each other might have been interesting. But I'm almost 2 hours into the movie now and there have been 2 scenes of big robots fighting each other. 2. The rest has been just gobs of nonsensical, unconnected scenes shot by a methhead, with dialogue that I don't think has one complete sentence among the lot. It's the cinematic equivalent of taking ants from one ant hill and throwing them in another ant hill and watching them fight, only less interesting. Big robots hitting each other would be an improvement on this. I really cannot fathom how anyone could look at the shooting script for this piece of shit and think they should have spent $200 million on it. Nor can I understand how anyone could like it or pay money to see it, much less so many people that it made its budget back and then some.

Among a sea of dumb movies, it takes the prize for dumb.

Fuck I have a feeling I'm gonna see this over the weekend. this thread has piqued my curiosity.

That's what it did to me and honestly I only watched the whole thing in the end because I kept being kinda bored. I did it in half hour increments with about an hour between each one because I just couldn't fucking face it anymore. Don't do it if there's anything at all short of staring at a wall that you might be able to do.

That's the danger of big opening weekends. I'd bet this movie made a huge amount of its total money in that weekend, more than most movies do even. Alot of people were probably like me. Liked the first one and heard there would be more robot goodness in this one and went and were like "WTF?"

No. Like it or not, Transformers 2 had perfectly acceptable legs for the way it was sold. Compare it to Iron Man, a relatively recent front-loaded event picture that any sane human can agree was a much better movie. TF2 had an opening weekend only about $10m greater than Iron Man, but a total domestic gross around $80m greater and a worldwide gross about $250m greater than Iron Man. Sad as it may be, this was NOT a case of people being suckered by hype into seeing a movie they hated. TF2 did 75% of it's business after that first big weekend was over.

Oh, and here's the kicker. It wasn't just the domestic American box office. Check out where the grosses came from for these movies.

Iron Man: 54% domestic, 46% international
Dark Knight: 53% domestic, 47% international
TF2: 48% domestic, 52% international

If you spend enough money on quality special effects, everybody will watch.

To me it simply demonstrates that in the depths of summer during shitty economic times, people will happily pay money to sit in an air conditioned room and watch explosions for two and a half hours. Escapism sells, I guess, even if it isn't very good.

The alternative is that there are a lot of people out there who thought this was a good movie.

I'm no cynic, but I'm not blind to how tasteless a lot of people can be.

My buddy at work loved TF2. He is an otherwise intelligent man. I do not understand.

I finished watching it and blogged my review. The fight between Bumblebee and the unnamed red Decepticon was decent. The rest of the movie was just a goddamn nightmare.

Interesting. I caught the scene where the Decepticons abduct Sam's parents, but completely missed the pot brownie scene. I thought his mom was just crazy. I blame watching fatigue. There's no way anyone not on speed can follow this movie from start to finish.

This cracked me up, and I can't think of anywhere else for it.

What, this is a movie?! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCPo1VWRpwc&feature=player_profilepage)

Following that entire series lead me to this.  How TF2 should have ended. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEdZ-yjxHLI&feature=PlayList&p=dOWv76j71Ew)

Nice series of vids from those guys, too.

This movie was so painful to watch on so many levels.

I had to stop after the submarine, on the surface, detected robots in the ocean.

Subjected myself to watching a bit of the Spike TV Scream awards last night. Based on those, apparently the masses really don't care how bad this movie was. Best Actress - Megan Fox, Best Newcomer Actress - the blonde terminator ripoff chick that had three lines...  :uhrr:

They even nominated Bay for best director. JJ Abrahms saved us from the universe imploding there.

Oh come on... that shit was great. If the sub hadn't been on the surface, we would have never gotten the cool Baysian OMG EMERGENCY DIVE!!!! stuff. The fact that they said Megatron was 9300 fathoms deep and that the 5 "contacts" could possibly be 5 deep sea recovery vehicles in the middle of the ocean randomly fucking around was just splendid. I especially loved that even though megatron was supposed to be almost twice as deep as the deepest part of the Marianas Trench, there were still lots of starfish and half a dozen octopi living in his mouth and neck. Maybe they were living on his residual energon!. Gentlemen, I'm going to pitch a script to Bay for Transformers 3: RISE OF TEH ENERGOCTOPONS. And yes, "teh" will be part of the actual title, it would really resonate with the target market.

9300 Fathoms?  That's only what, 55 800 feet below the surface, around 24 552 psi?

I can say with much pride that I will merrily go to my grave having never seen so much as a second of either movie outside of being subjected to the trailers.  The rest of you poor bastards have my sympathies, however.

I think I enjoyed TF2 more than Alien Resurrection (which I just saw for the first time a few days ago).

TF1 was fun. Stupid, but fun. I don't have anything against stupid fun. Despite being just about the same length as TF2, it seemed way the hell shorter due to being at least reasonably well-paced.

Quite possible.  You have to really, REALLY be into the Alien series to even remotely enjoy the last ~45 mins or so of Resurrection, which destroy the entire rest of the movie.   TF2 is at least consistent in what it provides.

Ok I caught the first 15 minutes of this on the plane before the pilot shut it off for landing...

(fuck spoiler tags)

The first fight I actually enjoyed. Then we get to the happy arguing families with gay dogs and the little Decepticons erupting from household appliances. Then the hero guy after doing the most lame "please don't leave me" scene on the planet (to the hooker that was draped over a motorbike) decides to fight the foot high robots with a fire extinguisher. Not doing something sensible like, you know, hitting them with the big metal fire extinguisher. No, by spraying them with CO2. The foot high robots, who were of course not really bothered by this, open fire on 6 foot good guy with real bullets at a range of about a foot. And completely miss. And then he calls on his pet Autobot to save the day (who doesn't have a voice due to them not hiring the actor again or something). The hooker did a striptease to put on a white dress and hold flowers for some reason. And then Soundwave hooked up to a big defense satellite without anyone noticing to listen in on the guys with the small union jack...

I was left with a great sense of the contribution this has made to the art of filmmaking, a sense that the tragedy of the story would have stayed with me forever, and the conviction that this film deserves an oscar. I can only imagine the delights that would have awaited me if I could have watched the rest of the film...

Brain Cancer.

Insipid. 

I like Alien Resurrection. Not sure what you're referring to about the last 45 mins, but it's got a pretty good cast. It's got Ron Perlman and Brad Dourif.. that right there already is cool. Sigourney is still a cool bitch in it though, and Michael Wincott's always great. I've always been a Winona fanboy, so there's that too.


edit: Basically, I'm not picky about the "Alien" story. Aliens kill, people die. Those movies work or not for me if I can just get behind the characters (and that takes a good cast I guess). Same as any other horror. That's why 3 doesn't work. Can't get interested in a bunch of prisoners and a bald Ripley. The whole mood of that movie isn't frantic or fun either. Just bleak.

The first part of the movie is fantastic and I dug it.  Everything after and including Ripley having sex with the alien?  Utter shit that ruins the first part of the movie for me.  Your mileage obviously varies.

Can anyone find a clip of Shia cumming his pants in that opening classroom scene?  That was the best (and funniest) part of the movie.