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Archon Kill – normally it wouldn’t be newsworthy, but…
Some combat comedy care of Agony

I wouldn’t normally write something about a carrier kill, as they’re pretty common these days. Even titankills are somewhat less newsworthy than they used to be. This fight was, however, a little different, not for the combat, but for the comedy of the conversations that became public after the event. While not surpassing the honour tanking incident in Aunenen a few years ago, this is the best example of a solo capital screw-up I’ve seen in some time.

I wasn’t present for the fight, but I know many of the pilots involved. This article has been written from the killboards, Agony after action reports, discussions various forums, transcripts and recordings of the conversations and local chat logs collected from pilots involved.

The kill itself was fairly interesting, but I only record it here for some background. An Agony gang was out and about for a roam in Curse. Twenty-one ships undocked and while it was a mixed fleet, most people stuck to the more traditional Agony “fast and relatively light”. There were a couple of bigger ships in the mix for versatility though. No Agony capitals were involved in the battle.

While Agony was on the gate in Hemin, a Scorpion came in and decided to shout “DEAD MEAT” in local while lighting a cyno. The Scorpion was quickly dispatched, just as an Archon appeared on grid. At this stage it wasn’t known exactly what was coming in support, but the carrier was quickly locked down and engaged. Some of the Agony pilots, moved back to the station and in to different ships, while the tacklers kept the carrier in place. Some got more DPS, some fitted neuts, while others packed in the White Noise Generators for some racial ECM against an Amarr target. Whatever was necessary for a smallish sub-cap fleet to take out an Amarr carrier was quickly gathered.

The carrier lasted a while (almost 11 minutes), but eventually it was capped out with neuts and it’s tank broke. The whole time the Agony fleet were wondering where the support was, quite prepared to try popping any cyno ship before it could bring in cap support, but also watching the gates for a support fleet that never eventuated. A few ships came for a look, but bailed quickly. Probably when they realised that a co-ordinated rescue wasn’t in the plan. This wasn’t a pissant little corp with one carrier, but a sizeable alliance with a decent cap fleet, so the Agony pilots were active in trying to spot reinforcements. Executive Outcomes is enough to make a 21 man sub-capital fleet at least wary.

Agony lost one tech 1 frigate when it ventured too close for the only smart-bomb fitted to the carrier. The smart-bomb turned out to be an Amarr Navy variant with a slightly larger range than expected. The only other weapon fitted on the Archon was a rather ludicrously inadequate Snowball Launcher. His drones and fighters were deployed, but certain incompatibilities between drones and his own smart-bombs were discovered mid-fight – see the quotes below.

The carrier pilot was quite disappointed, but polite enough to the victors about his loss in local. He was first to post ‘gf’ in local, but a little less forgiving about his alliance and the level of support he got. Apparently, unbeknown to Agony, there were 3 other carriers that declined the invitation to jump when the cyno went up.

Here is the local chat (Note: Scorpion Pilot and Carrier Pilot are alts of the same person):

[23:47:08] EVE System > Channel changed to Hemin Local Channel
[01:02:52] Speedie Tappaja > DEAD MEAT <--------- EXE Scorpion
[01:02:53] Speedie Tappaja > MMMM
[01:14:50] Ghatar > gf <------------ EXE Archon

[01:14:54] Seagravity > gf
[01:15:00] Bazman > gf

[01:15:05] Ghatar > my fiuken alliance fuken sucks

[01:15:05] Mystic Boing > gf balls man
[01:15:07] Beef Hardslab > gf
[01:15:32] Feline Ferocity > gf
[01:15:34] Snow Prelude > gf
[01:15:37] Seagravity > o/

[01:15:46] Ghatar > GF
[01:15:50] Ghatar > fucken nice fight

[01:15:59] Seagravity > sorry man but good fight

[01:16:09] Ghatar > it was
[01:16:19] Ghatar > my fucken alliajnce dont got fucken bsalls

[01:16:23] Feline Ferocity > still ? you tho =P
[01:16:24] Sever Aldaria > lol

[01:16:26] Ghatar > like tweeny weny balls

[01:16:36] Blood Thorn > very good fight man, you do have balls
[01:16:50] Sever Aldaria > if just 1 of your alliance guys would have come to help you then you might have lived =(
[01:16:59] Sever Aldaria > with another carrier I mean

[01:17:00] Ghatar > I fucken now
[01:17:05] Ghatar > my guys dont got fucken balls
[01:17:10] Ghatar > these guys are fucken pussies

[01:17:16] Seagravity > i feel sorry but excited
[01:17:27] Midorisan > good job bringing it
[01:17:34] Midorisan > sry your mates dont

[01:20:44] Alex Keys > i made it <------------ EXE Falcon 5 minutes too late to rescue him

In the background and unknown to the Agony Fleet at the time, there was a conversation going on in TeamSpeak. Fortunately all this was being recorded and was subsequently released and can be found on various web-sites (see links listed below). Nubs is a word that’s used a lot in the conversation, you’d expect it would be pronounced noobs or newbs (rhyming with tubes or boobs), but no, apparently it rhymes with tubs, rubs and subs. The words balls, retards, pussies and quite a few I’d prefer my young daughter to not hear also featured heavily, but these all seem to be pronounced as you’d expect.

Here are some highlights from the TeamSpeak conversations – it alternates between I’m uber and I’m in trouble, seemingly randomly, until he realises he’s screwed:

This is the start of the engagement while he’s in the Scorpion:
“Guys, Guys I found a camp, I found a camp, twenty guys, twenty-one guys right now. Yeah we’re gonna totally hot-drop these fucking cunts. These are Agony motherfuckers, they can’t fucken PvP at all………I’m gonna cyno and I’m gonna broadcast and we’re gonna fucken own these guys. They only have small shit, one battleship and the rest small shit.”

“We’re going to totally own these fucking nubs……I can totally own these guys alone if you guys are not coming with me.”

"I still have 5 points on me but no worries I am killing these nubs”

“Carrier in trouble in Hemin” followed almost immediately by “Don’t worry, I’ll own these guys alone, don’t bother coming”

"I can tank these guys forever and they can't do shit to me - I can tank these nubs forever"


"Oh Shit, I'm armor repping this guy"

"I should stop smartbombing, I am hitting my own drones"

"Agony can't PVP anyway they are all nubs"

"I FUCKING KILLED SOMEONE yeah" (It was a T1 frigate) "I am that fucking UBER"

"I am just going to own these nubs, my tank is totally owning these guys"

"The nub Dominix warped out I am too uber for him"

Towards the end of the engagement (almost 10 minutes in to a fight that was 11 minutes and 8 seconds from the time the Scorp shouted “DEAD MEAT” to the carrier pilot calling “gf” in local):
Unknown Alliance Member: "We should probably help him"

And then the aftermath conversation
“You guys didn’t have any balls, you need some fucken balls”.

“Nobody in Curse has any balls”

“I’m going to see if <didn’t exactly catch the name – maybe Malteaser> will reimburse my ship” (greeted with some amazement and much laughter by his alliance mates).

Unknown Alliance Member: “This has made my night” and same guy later “That may have been one of the greatest nerd rages I’ve heard….of the…um....week”

This was followed by a side bet on how long it would take him to rage-quit. Bets were in the range of two to ten minutes from what I heard, I was laughing quite hard by this stage.

Speedie returns and has this to say:
“Fuck you guys, you’re fucking retards, fucking pussies, all of you, FUCKING PUSSIES” - I’m guessing his request for reimbursement was denied.

And here are some links to the audio:

http://204.118.41.9/eve/SPEEDIE_CAP_FLEET.mp3
http://204.118.41.9/eve/part2.mp3
http://204.118.41.9/eve/part3.mp3


Baka Lakadaka
Agony Unleashed

Fucken pussies

<@Speedie> Speedie is the anthropomorphic personification of all the shining qualities of EXE in the form a finnish dude.
<@Speedie> you fucking cunt