f13.net

I will probably make new enemies and lose newfound friends for this one, but I hold that this is the greatest concept of a movie, but turned to complete shit.  :awesome_for_real:

Personally though, I can still somehow forgive it because Kate Beckinsale hasn't been hotter.

As for the concept, if it was done right, it could be better than the Mummy easily (although that isn't a great feat). It could be better than the Hellboy movies (actually, Del Toro could probably do a good version of this). It could even be better than Pirates. I compare those because they're all successful kind of no brainer action films that play with classic/fantasy/horror concepts... Pirates is the greatest of them obviously..  But the crown jewel of a movie like that would be the one with Dracula working with BOTH Dr. Frankenstein and a Werewolf together. Hah

Some would say that the failure is in the underlying idea, but I disagree. The Dracula action movie is the greatest idea that simply hasn't been pulled off yet (I have few hopes for the upcoming Castlevania movie either). And by Dracula, I mean Dracula. Not Blade or Underworld.

If I had the money, this would be the kind of piece of shit I'd make (I just think I'd do it better).

This was a horrible, horrible movie on every level. The plot, dialogue, characterisations and pacing were all completely off. There are no redeeming features to this movie at all. Kate Beckinsale may be hot but it's not worth sitting through this level of utter shit to see a pretty girl on screen tbh.

Also, how the fuck do you get typecast as a feral amnesiac with a mysterious past?

 :grin:

She looked better in the Underworlds. I didn't like her perm in Van Helsing.

Something about the gypsy thing, and a beige blouse popping out of a black leather corset.

I agree.


I also agree.


Definitely

If a vial of liquid is so vastly important, why do you throw it out over a deep crevice to a guy swinging on a rope (or whatever. my memory's foggy on the specifics as its been a while since I've seen it)?

This movie wasn't even good camp. It was craptastically bad and insulted even my low intelligence.

I will defend until my dying day that "Van Helsing" is worse than "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen".

Also: hot women don't make crap films more watchable. Ever. I never ever accept the "the film was stupid, script were an insult to my intelligence, characters were dull, but the lead actress was hot and / or popped her top" as a defence for a movie. "Hitman" sucked hard no matter how much boobage there was in it. "Van Helsing" didn't even have boobs on show.

I pity David Wenham (sp?). Great actor, doomed to secondary parts in US films.

Agreed. She has never been hotter than she was in Underworld, in fact it redeemed my dislike of her from her Pearl Harbor days.

As for this movie it's close but was all flash and no substance. The idea was great, and I liked their take on the Frankenstein monster, hell I liked their take on all of the monsters, but somehow things never gelled right. And the whole "Dracula can only be killed by the Wolfman" thing was retarded and that was my only complaint about the monsters, though it was a biggy.

I enjoyed Van Helsing so much that I bought the DVD.

Van Helsing was a great concept. I mean, who doesn't love the guilty pleasure of the old style monster movies, and the idea of turning that into an action movie with hot chick and Wolverine, how could it lose?

Easily. It was shitty shit shit shit. Horrible acting that tried to camp it up, even though the setting and film style were intentionally dark. It never took the material seriously, and instead of that coming off as fun and interesting, it was just braindead stupid. Dracula's accent was what finally made me turn it off halfway through. I just couldn't take it anymore.

Yeah, I was gonna say that. It might have jumped a notch (say, 3%) if Dracula had been better. Actually, Dracula should have been the one thing not too campy.

Quite a ridiculous amount of CGI in this too... Not all that good really either. But I think the finale is quite kickass looking. Lots of lightning and little demons flying around and shit. Cool.

:why_so_serious:

Like I always say, keep your expectations low enough and you will always be pleasantly surprised.  My expectations of a movie combining Dracula, a werewolf, Frankenstein's monster with some guy in a duster and fedora with a repeating crossbow were sufficiently low.

My expectations of anything approaching a decent film were checked at the door. This film still managed to be insultingly bad however.

I am a huge fan of bad and campy movies, but Van Helsing was just pure crap. It was the perfect idea for an over the top campy movie. Instead, we got two hours of crap that made Bloodrayne look like art.

Uwe Boll makes better campy monster movies than Van Helsing was.

No, no, no.. Now you guys are exaggerating. Bloodrayne is painful. PAINFUL. And I didn't even get past the first 15 minutes, I think (the chick's still hot though  :why_so_serious:). This is just goofy and "typically bad".

I have never seen this.

I am going to acquire it now.

I've made it through all of Boll's movies that I've watched. I didn't make it past the hour mark in Van Helsing.

Well you missed the great finale then.  :grin:

Postal was fucking great.

Sort of.

One of the worst movies I've ever seen.  My wife and I were actually kind of pissed we didn't turn it off halfway through. 

Apparently I have bad taste.  What else is new?

AvP Requiem was Actually Bad.

Actually, I liked Requiem too. Bring on more AvP sequels, I say.  :awesome_for_real:.

[edit]

IMDB Trivia:

This is the first time in the franchise that a Chestburster emerges from a child.

How could you tell if AVP requiem was bad or not could you actually make out what was going on through the blackness?

I think this is the only film where I have had my disbelief so violently grounded that I actually shouted "that makes no sense" at the film screen.

If by great you meant "retarded to a level that makes retarded look retarded and then with angels in clouds just to rub in the retarded further", then yeah, the finale was great.

I really like Richard Roxborough (sp?). He can be a great actor - I keep looking at "Blue Murder" as evidence of this. But he was hamstrung as Dracula. And Frankenstein was continually the damsel in distress. "Van Helsing" was awful, but somehow avoided the nerd mauling it deserved.

This.

I have no idea how rational adults could have written that ending and not spotted how utterly stupid it was while they were filming it. Hell, even a quick glance through the synopsis should point out how mind-meltingly dumb the whole thing is.

I made it through 23 minutes and deleted it.

My girlfriend picked this up on DVD for £2 last year in some supermarket sale. We felt totally ripped off once we actually watched it.

I think I love discussing Van Helsing even more than watching the movie.

I can't think of much I'd enjoy less than watching the movie.

Worse than exile within the Phantom Zone?

At least there there's a chance of grabbing Helen Slaters ass.

I think I love smacking myself in the nuts with Van Helsing more than watching the movie.

A friend of mine had midnight showing tickets to this movie and said it was going to be the best ever.  I still give him hell about it and his response is always "shut up."  Yeah, because I was RIGHT!  It was crap.

You mean you want Hugh Jackman to slap your nuts, right?