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My Current one: Getting moved to a new cubicle. Only to be sat next to someone (there is a cube wall) that must eat some form of soggy cereal every morning AND CONSTANTLY SLURPS AND CHEWS WITH HIS FUCKING MOUTH OPEN FOR THE NEXT HOUR.


I want to move back to the other side of the building.


Anyone else have horror stories?

That's better than sitting near somebody who rarely baths, smokes, and eats lots of Indian curry.

Oh man...

That would be horrid if they didn't share.

I believe the problem is that they're sharing way too much.

I work at a grocery store, next to a guy in the deli who wears vinyl gloves that he doesn't change after going to the bathroom. He also doesn't wash his hands when he returns to work.

 :pedobear: :awesome_for_real:

Why would he, hes got the gloves on???

Pifft.

what the fuck! there's my zombie again! Shit!

why is that fucking zombie face so popular?! (http://www.f13.net/index.php?itemid=189)

Been there but in my situation it was a morbidly obese woman who did not (or could not) bathe. I had to go to HR about the issue because it was truly nauseating and even putting 4-5 air fresheners around my desk wouldn't help. After the HR discussion it improved a bit but then luckily I got moved to a different building.

Denny Crane would fix that fast.

We briefly had a guy that got up at 5AM :ye_gods: drove around with his bike for at least 20 miles :ye_gods: and showed up at work without taking a shower :uhrr:

Thankfully he moved into game development. True story.

Once, a lady I worked with in the corporate setting got a message delivered to her. She had a rep for not taking regular baths/showers and often showed up at work after a volunteer FD shift. Our mailboxes were public and sat on a window sill near managers offices. Somebody unwrapped a bar of soap and left it in her mailbox, which was publicly visible to all who walked by…

Sorta office related:

So, I went to high school with the son of one of the partners at my firm.  Typical small town stuff.

At this guy's 30th birthday party,  my boss and his wife gave me a ride home.  His daughter decided to put the heavy moves on me in the back seat of the car,  while her parents were in the front seat and her boyfriend/fiance was riding in a different car.

I made my escape at the next stop,  but she managed to appropriate the scarf I was wearing.  I pretend the incident never happened.

Lucky. You should've stayed in the car.

Was she hot?

Was she entirely made up ?

I love you, man.

/bro-hug

Ahaha.

Ironwood wins another day.

Ouch.  My lawyerly take on that:  you might as well have left her a winning lottery ticket saying "Payable by: us in a settlement after two years of litigation."

Your joking?



/leaves to remove coal from coworkers stockings....

I don't think it would qualify as hostile work environment though. That's not discriminating or harrassing anyone based on a legally protected status like being black, handicapped, or a woman. Perhaps I'm missing what they would sue for.

Well, in that particular department, everybody in a lead level position or higher seemed to occupy that slot only by lawsuit or threat of lawsuit… …it was so awful that the V-P in the department never came to a meeting without a HR escort…

And there was another individual who got canned, a black dude who had some rather unsavory sanitary practices and unkept hair teeming with lice… …but that wasn't the reason he got dismissed — it was for general surliness and yelling at coworkers and superiors. Shortly after his termination, phones were ringing in the office from his lawyer who was building a case for racial discrimination… …to which I laughed at the guy, telling him that normally someone like me is favorable to these sorts of acts and that there are cases where this is merited, but this is not one of them, and he would be foolish for pursuing this one…

That's startlingly similar to how my parents met, actually.

At my last job I sat near the quality assurance department, and everyday this absolute dinosaur of a woman would walk by with a good five pounds of McDonalds.  You could feel her coming from across the room.

Also, in college there was a guy on my floor who didn't shower for a good 4 months.  It got so bad that the RA had to force him to shower.  I was sandwiched between him and an indian fella who ate curry and played Everquest all day.  He didn't shower much either.

I don't think "smelly" qualifies as a protected class.

Maybe I'm just traumatized from all the sex discrimination cases I'm not able to throw out via summary judgment.  Although real cases pop up from time to time, most of it is of the "this was an employee that was totally fucking insane from day 1, but since a male manager called her a crazy bitch she gets to go to trial" variety.

Horror.  Hmm.

Morbidly obese woman shits herself while on shift, undetermined time.  Doesn't leave early.
Same woman drops her text pager in the toilet multiple times.
Same woman went to sleep on the sofa in the women's room.  We didn't go wake her.  Unfortunately, she woke up and barged into the fishbowl with five minutes to spare, before the next shift and the manager showed up.  I still hurt myself laughing at that one.

This is probably all that I can actually talk about.

This thread terrfies me. 

One of the guys in my office had his cell in his front pocket while taking a shit.  The handles on the toilets are only about 10" off the seat, so you have to lean over if you're going to use your hand to flush. (Foot ftw.)  He does so and his phone falls in as he's pulling the lever.  The phone plugs-up the toilet and he's now watching the flood of his shit and toilet water overflow onto the floor.   I've never seen anyone as red as he was when the plumber brought the phone to him, wrapped in a plastic bag later that afternoon.

This isn't exactly an office story- it's an army story. Anyways, we were in the field and unloading our green duffel bags from a double door container. The platoon sargeant was in charge, watching as we formed a chain and tossed the bags from man to man. One of the bags fell and the platoon sargeant noticed there was no lock on it, so he decided to open the bag. Sure enough, there was a big ass, hot pink penis cozy nestled on the top of the contents. Our platoon sargeant picked up the hot dog heater by its cord and swung it like a lasso, chasing people around with the dong delighter while yelling out the name of the guy it belonged to, whose name was on the duffel. Great way to break the boredom.

I'm not quite sure what that means.

If I'm right, though, I'm very wyrded out.

You guys have sofas in your bathrooms? Classy place.

Not the guys, only the women.  Also, this is something present in many more places than you might suspect.

And bosses usually agree to the expense in the vain hope that one day they'll be on that sofa, balls deep in the wee lassie as she screams out his name in pleasure.

My wife's stepfather out-grossed that one.  Waaay back before he started farming, he accepted a job doing auto body work.  First night before starting the new job, he got so shitfaced drunk he spent the better part of the early morning puking.

Nothing too out of the ordinary for a single young adult male, right?  Well, he's had dentures since high school (it's a relatively common thing around these parts for people of his generation, apparently--some bad Scandahoovian genes floating around the pool or something, I dunno).  Poor bastard forgot to take his teeth out before the vomit-fest, and sho 'nuff they wound up being flushed.

What would a sane person do?  They'd say "fuck it" and go buy a new set of dentures.  Not this guy, though.  He called in sick for his first day of work to go dig up the septic tank to recover his choppers.  Now, had this been my dentures, I don't care what the fuck was used to clean them, you'd never get me to put them back in my mouth.  Apparently it wasn't such a big issue for him, though.

Working in a TV newsroom. Plunged into this environment after years in regular office-type space.

Open plan office design means I can see someone facing me, looking back at me over the monitor. And she's the hot newsreader everyone lusts after, all made up for TV, reading her email.

I am too distracted to work effectively. But my job is to meet unmissable deadlines for TV. Have you ever seen the news NOT go to air on time? No, it must always be on time, therefore deadlines are absolute and missing them is death.

I focus. And then the other two hot newsreaders everyone lusts after arrive, for a gossip session. Together the three of them lean towards the monitor, looking at some funny email attachment.

And it's two minutes to air.


Edit: Also, after reading the other posts ... urgently requiring a toilet while we are live on air with me as "the guy working in the background".

And then you had a foursome and didn't know the cameras were on...yeah yeah yeah I read that one.  :grin:

We had a fired employee shoot red paintballs at the boss's windows from the parking lot. Creepy, but not too bad. Later that year, security cameras caught one of our new hires stealing microwaves and other electronics from the other companies sub-leasing space from us.  The worst part: he was our only minority employee at the time.

Hopefully you learned your lesson.

Heheheheehehhehehehe.

Zing!

I have no horrible office stories. No wait, I take that back. I do have a good one, not really an office space type story though.

I was working late at night with my headphones on in a small building that was 2nd floor offices, 3rd floor apartments. At around 1 or 2 AM I go out the door to leave and notice that the office across from ours is open and the doorframe is lying in pieces on the floor. I'm a bit freaked out because I have no idea if the person who broke in is still around or not, so I creep outside and boko to a police station which is only a couple of minutes away. I end up coming back about 10 minutes later with the cops. They guy up the stairs guns drawn and for whatever reason I am right behind them. The whole time I'm thinking to myself just duck and cover if anything happens.

Weirdly enough they have *me* talk to the residents on the third floor to find out if they heard or saw anything. (The fuck? What was I, honorary junior investigator?) When they leave they also forget that they've propped open the back door with a brick and I have to remind them to remove it.

And ?  Did you come ?

Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!

 :awesome_for_real:

This is "Office Space - Horror stories". I'm not telling you about the office Christmas party here.

How can a guy named Tale NOT tell a story?