Useless Conversation

[Ironwood]

If it makes you feel any better, that's like, you know, 60% of marriages right there.  It sucks balls.

[Samwise]

Pro tip for anyone doing strategy consulting: if your client's identity is supposed to be a secret from the consultant, maybe check the option in Google Calendar that hides the names of attendees from other attendees.

 

Good thing I'm a discreet professional who knows when it's appropriate to play dumb.  Still, though.

[Merusk]

If it makes you feel any better, that's like, you know, 60% of marriages right there.  It sucks balls.

Hm.. that's disheartening. Hopefully one learns from the errors of their first marriage. I suppose it also depends on the age you are when it dissolves and when you approach the second.

Sam: Reminds me of the time I had to teach a Headhunting company "Don't send mass e-mails, use BCC."  They had no idea wtf BCC was.  I'd have dropped them, but there's so very few who know anything about the AEC field.

[Ironwood]

That almost suggests you're open to the idea of remarrying. Oh dear.

[Merusk]

Yeah, we could have a whole blog post about things that would go on for pages. Suffice to say I've suddenly found I lost a LOT of anger and learned a bunch in the last 3 months.

I'm in a place I don't find the idea abhorrent but I have a definite list of "must haves" that is significantly longer than when I was in my 20's. In a distressing comment on society and how we raise women; even in their 40's most women don't seem to hit 1/3 of them.

[MahrinSkel]

Careful, that's how Red Pill shit starts. Losing the illusions that make you idealize your romantic partners is good, but don't let your newfound ability to see what's there instead of what you want to see keep you from the next step: Just because a woman is imperfect, doesn't mean she isn't worthy of love.

That being said: Having a set of dealbreakers like "Doesn't spend money she doesn't have, or drag me through the emotional wringer" isn't bad. Just don't get carried away.

--Dave

[Merusk]

Quite, QUITE aware of that. No, it's all non-crazy non-misogynistic shit like.

"Must have been employed as more than a retail worker/ entry-level position."
"Not looking for a parent for kids first."
"Has to have lived on their own in life."
"Doesn't let TV be a distraction/ excuse for a poorly kept house."
"Can manage their own money/ isn't in constant financial crisis."

Things I'd expect a woman to be using on a man as well. It's just sad to find even in your 40's there's shitloads of people who don't meet just those 5. The real kick to the head was the ones who openly listed they were looking for someone to be a dad to their young kids first. Nope! I'm open to being a step-dad, but that's not job #1 nor a basis for a relationship.

That's before the lifestyle things like, "doesn't say Church is central to life," and, "doesn't judge a 43-year-old guy who plays Star Wars dressup."  Those REALLY started to narrow options.

[Paelos]

My list was very simple but also meaningful:

Do we share a faith?
Do we have the same view on having/not having children?
Do we view money a similar way in terms of what it should and shouldn't be used for?
Can we live in the same house and work to keep it in good working order without the maintenance getting one-sided?
Can we support each other if one or the other loses a job for 6 months? If not can we set aside reserves to cover that difference?
Does she come from a broken home, or a family whose marriage has lasted?
Is her longest relationship longer than a year?

[rattran]

I had a very simple list:

Is she less crazy than me?

The amazing tits were a pleasant bonus.

[Nebu]

Dating in my 40's completely changed what I valued in a relationship.  My list was quite short in my 20's, but grew substantially longer the longer I was single.

I have found that the best way to see if you're compatible with someone is to experience a crisis together.  How people act in a crisis tells an awful lot about their core character.  

Reminds me of the quote: "You really know who you married when you divorce them."

[Sky]

There's a reason I'm back with my fiancee. Not sure we'll ever get married or that I'll ever buy a house with her. But the pickings in a small town are pretty slim, so I make the best of it. She mostly lets me do the stuff I want to do when I want to do it, and it's someone to hang out with and watch junk tv. I'd like more, but meh. Not up to years of wading through broken and needy people hoping to find someone maybe a bit less broken.

It does get tougher as the years go by and I continue to improve myself, though.

[Merusk]

Yep, longer lists come from failures than successes and from knowing where you can't compromise in a relationship. Being 43 it's going to be longer than 24, or even 33.  

For example: I know I'm a bit classist. I've hung-out with many retail and blue-collar types for a good portion of my life. I can't be in a relationship with one. I tried to make it work and I realize it was a huge mistake. No; I don't think canned cheese, Vienna sausages, canned meat, and Chickn N Biscuit are acceptable snacks. No; I don't want to go bowling.

etc. etc. for each item.

"Is she less crazy than me" doesn't work when you have kids of your own and are tired of dealing with shit. Well; unless all you're looking to do is get laid. That's not me. That's never been me.

[Paelos]

Dating in my 40's completely changed what I valued in a relationship.  My list was quite short in my 20's, but grew substantially longer the longer I was single.

I have found that the best way to see if you're compatible with someone is to experience a crisis together.  How people act in a crisis tells an awful lot about their core character.  

Reminds me of the quote: "You really know who you married when you divorce them."

I agree with the crisis. So far we've gone through several medical battles, housing issues, a flea infestation, the death of a close friend, possible job loss, and firing of several employees in our businesses.

And yet we're trucking along. We learned we can pick each other up and keep going together, finding time for each other in the process.

[Selby]

I've hung-out with many retail and blue-collar types for a good portion of my life. I can't be in a relationship with one. I tried to make it work and I realize it was a huge mistake. No; I don't think canned cheese, Vienna sausages, canned meat, and Chickn N Biscuit are acceptable snacks. No; I don't want to go bowling.

This has been an issue I've dealt with too. Less on the bowling/food aspects and more of "does not think payday loans are a good idea" and "does not go for cheapest monthly payment over months paid" type financial stuff and "does not laugh about the last book they read 'yeah, for high school'" type stuff.  I don't know if it's blue collar so much as "poor white trash" (to stereotype).

My remaining list is surprisingly low key but now includes things like "does not treat me like dirt/paycheck/maid."

Although if my current relationship ever ends, I'm done dating and can go back to celibacy guilt free.

[Polysorbate80]

The classist divide doesn't enter into it for me.  My criterion would be "Can I talk to this person without wanting to stab them through the mouth every time they open it?"

I know many upper class, well-educated persons whom I'd murder if I spent extended time in close proximity.  Likewise, many "retail/blue-collar" folks whose company I enjoy.


...then again, I like bowling every now and then.  Perhaps my opinions are suspect  

[Merusk]

Yeah, your opinion on bowling and likely drinking would put you out of my dating pool.

The "don't want to stab them" thing is really just a given. It's why I didn't even entertain the idea of even approaching any 20-somethings. I dealt with enough of them at the last job to know I'm just not in that space anymore.

[HaemishM]

Come on. Every married man who gets divorced HAS to have that period of "Bang every hot chick half his age that will let him" phase before they realize how stupid it is.

[Paelos]

I like bowling. I mean I'm not doing it more than twice a year, but it's not a bad way to kill a few hours before dinner or something.

I hate country concerts, county fairs, hunting, and camping. Basically anything country. That's the real divide around here on class bullshit for fun.

[Nebu]

Come on. Every married man who gets divorced HAS to have that period of "Bang every hot chick half his age that will let him" phase before they realize how stupid it is.

I enjoyed this period.  I'm over it now, but it was fun while it lasted.

[Xanthippe]

I've been married (happily) for so long that I'm probably not even qualified to speak as to what my shopping list would look like, but shared values, respect and a sense of humor are non-negotiable. I've sometimes not liked my husband but have never lost respect for him. It'd be over if I ever did. He makes me laugh an awful lot, and the longer we're married the more important humor seems.

I don't put up with any shit though. 2nd marriage, 3rd serious relationship, and what I learned in the first two was not to put up with any shit. I might be a little hard to live with as a result. Don't care. I'd rather live alone than put up with shit.

I bowled in a league once. I was terrible but it was fun. County fairs, fun (not every year though). Camping, done with that. Don't hunt but love to eat game so appreciate those who do. Those are class things? I thought they were just things. What are the high class things? Sitting in cafes sketching?

[Cyrrex]

Jesus people, this thread is such a downer right now.  I have been thinking about this kind of stuff a lot lately myself, but seeing all of you saying a lot of the same things going through my head...heavy.

[Abagadro]

First marriage. 23 years and counting. Stable and happy! 

Biggest issue is that I am a big meat eater, my wife is a pescetarian, and my boy is a staunch vegetarian. Makes family meals challenging.

[Nebu]

First marriage. 23 years and counting. Stable and happy! 

Biggest issue is that I am a big meat eater, my wife is a pescetarian, and my boy is a staunch vegetarian. Makes family meals challenging.

If that's you're biggest issue, then you win at marriage.   

[RhyssaFireheart]

Wow, not sure I'd say the thread is a downer, but it's in kind of a weird place right now.

I know I have about nothing to add because A - I'm a woman and B - I've had exactly one actual/serious relationship in my life and we hit 24 years married back in May.  I've pretty much never even been in the dating pool to know what my list would be.  And if something ever happened to my husband, I'd happily just keep trucking along as a single dog mom.  Well, I'd take the opportunity to leave Illinois finally, but that's about it.

If I had to have a list, it would include things like "have to be friends first" and "makes me laugh" and "we can talk about events in the news respectfully" and general stuff like that. 

[Ironwood]

You're in the delightful position that my wife is in.  Which probably worries you more because now you have to worry what he's saying behind your back in HIS message boards.

 

[Sky]

Yeah, sense of humor is a must. And finding someone who can keep up with mine is...challenging. I'm serious when I need to be, which is...not often.

Oddly, we do better in tough situations and when things are good is when we get strained.

[Teleku]

Come on. Every married man who gets divorced HAS to have that period of "Bang every hot chick half his age that will let him" phase before they realize how stupid it is.

I enjoyed this period.  I'm over it now, but it was fun while it lasted.

I've pretty much just been running with that, and think I will indefinitely.   

[Merusk]

Come on. Every married man who gets divorced HAS to have that period of "Bang every hot chick half his age that will let him" phase before they realize how stupid it is.

I enjoyed this period.  I'm over it now, but it was fun while it lasted.

It's not me, never been me. I don't think I have that in me at all. Sex is part of a connection, not just bumping uglies. I'll just rub one out if all I want to do is cum. I was celibate for a year and a half in college before I met the Ex.  vOv

[schild]

Yeah, sense of humor is a must. And finding someone who can keep up with mine is...challenging.

But

you're not that funny

[Samwise]

Come on. Every married man who gets divorced HAS to have that period of "Bang every hot chick half his age that will let him" phase before they realize how stupid it is.

I enjoyed this period.  I'm over it now, but it was fun while it lasted.

It's not me, never been me. I don't think I have that in me at all. Sex is part of a connection, not just bumping uglies. I'll just rub one out if all I want to do is cum. I was celibate for a year and a half in college before I met the Ex.  vOv

I said similar things during the first, oh, six months after my divorce.

 

[IainC]

I really can't get my head around the idea of only ever having had one significant relationship. It just seems to be rooted in a different time when you married the first person you slept with or else her father was going to shoot you.

I mean, I get that my lifestyle is not for everyone, but amongst my friends and acquaintances, serial monogamy is still the most common thing.

[Yegolev]

Would help hide the body?
Can tolerate my shit?

If it happens, I'm not getting remarried.

Somewhat related: I've grown a handlebar moustache and goat-tee.  Suddenly lots of people just start talking to me without needing something, where previously I mostly flew under people's radar.  This is great because I don't like being the first one to start talking.

Might put some beads in the tee.  On the fence.

[IainC]

Might put some beads in the tee.  On the fence.

I have viking beard jewellery. I can recommend it.

[Nebu]

Yeg: Next step is either a pet monkey or a talking parrot on your shoulder. 

You'll be the hit at parties... if you aren't already.   

[rattran]

I trimmed my beard, so it's merely lumberjack level now, but 2 of my cats ride on my shoulder whenever they can (one at a time). It's a hell of a look. Short hair/long beard does get people to just come up and talk at you all over the country.