Parenting Fail

[IainC]

Father takes 14 year old son out to lose his virginity, picks wrong girl.

[Samwise]

I would comment, but since I don't have a child myself I don't think I'm allowed.

[voodoolily]

I don't think you need to be a parent to have an opinion on attempting to arrange the statutory rape of one's kid.

[Samwise]

I don't think you're allowed either.  At least for another few months.     YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT IS!!!

[Pennilenko]

Father takes 14 year old son out to lose his virginity, picks wrong girl.

Further proof that we need some sort of system that can sterilize people until they can prove some sort of readiness. I'm only half joking.

[Mrbloodworth]

Hasn't this been done from the dawn of time?

[Pennilenko]

Hasn't this been done from the dawn of time?

Nope, considering I had to find my own hookers. 

[IainC]

There's an additional level of fail in that the whores in that part of town are three deep on the pavements and the undercover police are very easy to spot (they're the ones who look like they've eaten in the past few days and don;t have trackmarks on their arms).

I used to live at the end of that street and really, you have to be trying really hard to not find an actual hooker around there.

[Grimwell]

He should have paid for a trip to Nevada. /fail

My kid is on his own. I'm not helping, or encouraging it. I'm telling lies about all the bad things that happen.

Ok, maybe not. Maybe I'm just trying to equip him with smarts and the ability to make wise decisions.

My daughters aren't old enough for me to worry over yet, and when they are I'll just shoot any male who approaches them. I think that's pretty fool proof. 

[Merusk]

I'm pretty sure your daughters are older than mine is, Grim.  It is time to worry.

[Grimwell]

They still measure their years in single digits. For the moment I'm safe.

[Merusk]

Hm yeah, guess they are younger.  Mine's 11 this year, she's already having "the talks" with her mother because talking to dad is too embarrassing.  Oh joy, oh joy.

[Salamok]

thats about the time i'll be grinding up the pill into her cheerios

[Oban]

thats about the time i'll be grinding up the pill into her cheerios

Oh my god, that is an awesome idea.

My current strategy mainly involves making my daughter wear sweat pants and running shoes.

CCW's are not allowed in Canada so I am really starting to get worried about the future.

[MahrinSkel]

Cleaning your guns while ruminating about the various ways to dispose of a body is very effective.

--Dave

[Merusk]

My current strategy mainly involves making my daughter wear sweat pants and running shoes.

In my experience, horny teenage boyfriends love sweatpants on their girls.  Pants and belts, however, suck.

Just throwing that out there.

[voodoolily]

My dad didn't let me date, or talk to boys on the phone, or wear makeup until I was 16. He also used to have my little brother keep an eye on me.

[Grimwell]

My dad didn't let me date, or talk to boys on the phone, or wear makeup until I was 16. He also used to have my little brother keep an eye on me.

...and how did you circumvent that anyway?

Seriously. My parents did a lot to keep me well behaved, and still failed because you can't stop everything your kids are going to think of. That noted, I remember everything I did, so the kids have to think up new things. Knowing what you did to  break those rules would help me know what to watch for with my girls. ;P

[Samwise]

Can't you just GPS-chip your kids these days and hook them up to RSS feeds so you always know where they are?

[Yegolev]

I'm glad I have a boy.  Also, he's on his own when it comes to getting sex.

[Hindenburg]

Why did the sergeat sound happy about making the father be registered as a sex offender?

[JWIV]

You guys keep talking - I'm still measuring my daughter's age in months, but I'm still taking notes.

[voodoolily]

...and how did you circumvent that anyway?

Seriously. My parents did a lot to keep me well behaved, and still failed because you can't stop everything your kids are going to think of. That noted, I remember everything I did, so the kids have to think up new things. Knowing what you did to  break those rules would help me know what to watch for with my girls. ;P

I only lied once to sneak out with a boy, but it was only to see a matinee. "I'm invited to stay at [random girlfriend]'s house tonight. Is that okay?" actually granted me much more freedom than they ever realized - it was usually a girl whose parents didn't have a set curfew, so even though I was technically staying at her house we stayed out until the wee hours. They might have suspected I was up to shenanigans, but I was still bringing home the grades and awards, so maybe it didn't matter. Most of the times I kissed boys was during summer breaks, during the day. One time I snuck out of my room at night but I was so paranoid about my dad catching me that I didn't have any fun and I snuck back in after less than an hour.

My dad also wouldn't let me get a driver's license. Also, I had a 10:00 curfew my junior year and an 11:00 curfew during my senior year.

[MahrinSkel]

Can't you just GPS-chip your kids these days and hook them up to RSS feeds so you always know where they are?

Not quite.  The smallest GPS/Cellular combo system available commercially is about the same size as a clamshell phone and needs regular recharging (or hardwiring into a power supply).  Of course, every major cellular provider will (for an additional fee) provide tracking of their cell phones, and the kids are more likely to walk out the door without their pants than without their phones.

--Dave (not that I've researched this, or anything)

EDIT: Apparently, there's a new product with a device the size of a matchbook, specifically marketed for tracking children.  With a little ingenuity you could embed it in a thick-soled shoe, and I have little doubt that you'll soon see shoes for sale that have them built-in.

[Cadaverine]

Can't you just GPS-chip your kids these days and hook them up to RSS feeds so you always know where they are?

Not quite.  The smallest GPS/Cellular combo system available commercially is about the same size as a clamshell phone and needs regular recharging (or hardwiring into a power supply).  Of course, every major cellular provider will (for an additional fee) provide tracking of their cell phones, and the kids are more likely to walk out the door without their pants than without their phones.

--Dave (not that I've researched this, or anything)

EDIT: Apparently, there's a new product with a device the size of a matchbook, specifically marketed for tracking children.  With a little ingenuity you could embed it in a thick-soled shoe, and I have little doubt that you'll soon see shoes for sale that have them built-in.

And before they're even on the shelf, there'll be links up one side of the interwebs, and down the other on how to circumvent them.

Fortunately, I have a son, not a daughter.  Still, knowing how I was as a kid, the best I can hope is to instill some common sense in the boy, and hope for the best. 

[voodoolily]

They make them for pets, so I'm sure they can be used in kids. They get injected under the skin.

Oh nevermind, that's only good for kids/pets that get picked up, not for tracking their location.

[Merusk]

Can't you just GPS-chip your kids these days and hook them up to RSS feeds so you always know where they are?

Even if they did, I fooled around more AT my girlfriend's places than I ever did at random places in cars or outdoors. While their parents were home, no less.

Co-ed sports like swimming and band trips are also a no-no if you're going to be paranoid about it.  Hell, just send them to an all girls school but be prepared for them to slut it up in college.

[Strazos]

Man, all this talk just makes me wish I had even Tried to do "bad things" as a kid. I just had no desire to, or I just had no course of action available to me.

Hell, by the time I was 13, I didn't have any sort of curfew. Lot of good that did me.

[SnakeCharmer]

I'm glad I have a boy.  Also, he's on his own when it comes to getting sex.

With a son, you just have to worry about one dick.
With a daughter, you have to worry about all of them.

[Selby]

...and how did you circumvent that anyway?

My dad's authoritarian hand never really felt like it was something to fight against until I moved out.  My sister was banging her boyfriend on the couch in the living room with my parents home while I wasn't allowed to date.  So I just never did.  It made me the well-rounded individual I am today.

[Lantyssa]

I'm glad I won't have any kids to have to worry about it.  I would have a breakdown trying to reconcile my views with trying to keep them from making the many, many stupid mistakes my friends did.  (I was far too boring to have my own mistakes to let them learn from. *sigh*)

[Sheepherder]

Cleaning your guns while ruminating about the various ways to dispose of a body is very effective.

--Dave

Box springs from a bed frame.  You sandwich the (unconscious / dead) person between  two of them and wire them together.  They act simultaneously as a restraint, carrying handle, and ballast.

[MahrinSkel]

Well, if you've got time to prepare, cremation is really the way to go.  If you don't have access to a mortuary crematorium, one for animals will do (most agricultural vets and factory hog farms will have one), or a biohazard waste incinerator.  In a pinch you can use a large pottery kiln, but you'll need a way of draining off the rendered fat without setting it on fire immediately, you probably would have to bake at 500 for a day or so until all the fat and moisture is gone before cranking it up above a thousand for about 6 hours, and the barbecue smell is going to carry a long way.  You'll still have bones (reduced to calcium carbonate and brittle) and any metallic implants and dental work (make sure to separate those out, they often have ID numbers that can be traced), but those are comparatively easy to deal with.

There's always the old-school "sleep with the fishes", but don't go cliche with the cement overshoes.  The body rots and bloats up and the bones of the feet pull right out or separate, and then you've got a floater.  If you can't encase the body completely in concrete, then wrap it in a few layers of wide-mesh chicken wire and securely wire about 40-50 pounds worth of iron weights to it.  Chicken wire lets the worms and fish get in there, and a couple of years in a biologically active body of water will take care of the problem.  Oh, make sure you undress the body, and if you wrapped it in plastic make plenty of cuts right before you sink it.

In a pinch a large freezer can buy you time to come up with something more permanent, but make sure you arrange things so the posture the body freezes in is a convenient one for later handling (don't forget the clothes!), and if it's not frost-free you need the plastic wrap again (actually a good idea in general, dead bodies tend to leak even if they don't have extra holes in them).

Wood chipper into a stream is always a decent option, but it can be amazingly difficult to find a running stream where you can work un-observed for the 2 hours or so you'll need, and you'll have to prepare the body into chunks that can fit (getting the pelvis to that point is going to take some serious saw or axe work).  And it's nearly impossible to get every fragment out of the machine, so you're going to need to dispose of that as well.

Now, I've heard that an industrial size sausage grinder can take care of a body in a real hurry, then you just flush the resulting paste down the sewers.  But that's a little gross and if they've got a titanium screw in their leg or something, the machine is going to jam up.  How are you going to explain *that* to the repair guys?

--Dave

[Merusk]

Pig farm, dude. Pig farm.

[Der Helm]

You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig".