Young, in love and confused.

[photek]

Hello F13.

I'm in dire need of psychological evaluation and help, so I figured I'd share my story here and hopefully get some clarification and an objective perspective on my case since my head is kinda lost. I don't know what to do. So this is the story.. I met this girl about five-six months ago who is extremely beautiful, attractive, smart, full of ambitions and she was superawesome, the attitude (lady), meh, I could go on for a long time. We were different though and there is an age difference, she is turning 20 this year, I'm turning 24. She is going to be a pilot and is currently a hair model, I like drawing pixels and banging drums and playing guitars (music). She is new to relationships and I have had several long ones so I'm the experienced one in this case. However, we started hanging out after meeting at this club and went on as "just friends", but the more time she spent with me, the more she realized that it wasn't just friendship and we started dating, going out, things evolved naturally etcetra until we ended up together. VICTORY!!!! Johnny Chase voice]

Or so I thought... Things were going perfectly for the first period, I mean as usual when you meet someone, new relationship, the excitement, flirting and all and she was really happy. So was I. After a long time of no relationships for me, just random hookups, I kinda opened up for this girl as she seemed to be very right for me, she introduced me to her parents and I actually enjoy conversing with her mom, took me to her sisters birthday and then her brothers which is like 500KM away from here where we spent three days, and as hard-ass he was and really put me on trial, I came out in one piece and approved.

SUDDENLY things changed. The more we got comfortable around eachother, spent quite some time (Not so much so it got naggy and overkill) and I felt we were clicking really well, you know when you start having fucked up thoughts at my age like "Shit, I could actually live with this girl and I see a future"... She started changing. I realized she was a bit unstable due to family history, and as I am her first OFFICIAL relationship, she has been dating, but never anything she calls relationship, she started rejecting me, I have to take the initiative to do stuff (except the bed-stuff, there she is on 24/7(, I have to ask her out and she is just acting cold around me lately. I am the one who takes her hand when we walk outside, I am.. Yeah. The igniter.

Stuff went on like this and we had a conversation where she told me she needed more time as this was her first relationship and she tries to put on this mask and show me that she is cold and can't evolve real emotions for anyone (which is pure bull, she is really emotional and somewhat unstable in that case, moodswings, ups and downs.. You know.) and now the last three weeks things have been going on like this. I mean, this is after being two-three months together in a relationship, which is WAY too early for these problems to start coming. As she told me she needed more space and time, I have given her that, and the only time she calls me over is for random booty-calls, which would normally be fine, but not when you love a girl. She also barely answers the few messages I send her and when I pour out my heart and soul to tell her how much she means to me in a 3 part SMS, I get something like "I enjoy being with you too. You are sweet. I just need more time". Im so damn confused... I have been lucky with girls in my life and ended up with the really beautiful ones so I kinda am used to sometimes being the underdog in a relationship, but this time I refuse, I grew balls. I have to figure out what is best for me and stop thinking about only the ups and remove the love-blindness and face the downs and see what is best for me and for my future. I love her, I truly do, but I can't be played with like this emotionally and going around pondering what is going on.. 

What would F13 do ?

[SnakeCharmer]

Bang her sister.

Edit:  It's a woman.  They're all unstable.

[Venkman]

You're ready but she is not. You've been through this before but she has not.

She is going to drag you through hell of let's-see-other-people and let's-be-friends-throughout and I'm-going-to-hang-with-your-brother/roommate/cousin/close-friend. And it's actually because of exactly what she said "she needs more time". In her case she does.

You just need to decide two things:

a) You're willing to take that ride; and,
b) You're sure she's going to end up with you in the end.

Sometimes people are and sometimes they're not.

[Nebu]

What would F13 do ?

1) Realize that you have value.

2) Come to the conclusion that if she isn't interested, then it's her loss.

3) Move on.

I know it's cold, but that's really the truth about relationships.  You have to be with someone that is 100% happy with who you are as a human being.  If they're not, tell them goodbye and hope that they find one that makes them happy.  Truth is that some people are just never happy nor satisfied with anyone.  If that's her issue, it's best that she move on as it will do nothing but drag you into a codependent relationship until your self-esteem is in the shitter.

[photek]

Bang her sister.

Married and not quite as hot. Her mom though.. Cougar. Seriousness plez  

[stray]

Well, you're right on the money dude. She's young, and this is new to her..

It might not be "issues" or anything serious like that (I mean, everyone has issues), but maybe she's just not really ready for a relationship herself. Maybe she keeps looking on the other side of the fence, not exactly realizing what she has in you.

You say you have balls -- You might have to make the most ballsy move yet by letting her go, man. Tell her you understand that she needs space, tell her how you feel, but let her go. Don't drive yourself nuts trying to win her over.. Sounds like you've laid yourself bare enough. You either have her or you don't. Maybe by removing yourself, she might see what she's missing. Maybe she won't.. but at the very least, take a step back for your own peace of mind. :)

[schild]

It's her first relationship.

Bail out.

[photek]

What would F13 do ?

1) Realize that you have value.

2) Come to the conclusion that if she isn't interested, then it's her loss.

3) Move on.

I know it's cold, but that's really the truth about relationships.  You have to be with someone that is 100% happy with who you are as a human being.  If they're not, tell them goodbye and hope that they find one that makes them happy.  Truth is that some people are just never happy nor satisfied with anyone.  If that's her issue, it's best that she move on as it will do nothing but drag you into a codependent relationship until your self-esteem is in the shitter.

Nebu and Darniaq, that is some quality material. I have been considering these options myself, but the problem occurs when we hang out I realize how much I want her. I know for a fact I'm young also and need more experience, but she is on a new level of inexperienced to relationships. Its really hard being around a person like that and combined with her random mood-swings, it gets tedious. I mean, I am really patient and understand her compromises in this situation and I am willing to do a lot, but you are probably right about this part :

She is going to drag you through hell of let's-see-other-people and let's-be-friends-throughout and I'm-going-to-hang-with-your-brother/roommate/cousin/close-friend. And it's actually because of exactly what she said "she needs more time". In her case she does.

[schild]

While I have always appreciated Nebu and Darniaq's advice, I'm sorry to say that the ball isn't really in your court. It's her first relationship. We can talk about how you feel and how right you may or may not be for her and how you're willing to wait and blah blah blah. But it doesn't really matter.

Girls are absolutely nuts. There's no two ways about it. Layer on the fact you've got 4 years on her - and even then you're only 24, which makes her a goddamn sexual toddler, well...

Be a fucking man and bail out.

Edit: It's not that she needs time. She needs LIFE EXPERIENCE. She needs to get the hell out there and live for herself.

[photek]

Even more quality stuff. This is why I post serious shit on F13 and not FOH

Stray : You are probably right, that is the "issue", or the thing that makes it NOT work. This is going to be a proper mindtwister, I will give her some more time and really put effort into it for one last time, if stuff doesn't change I should really just

Bail out.

.

Edit: It's not that she needs time. She needs LIFE EXPERIENCE. She needs to get the hell out there and live for herself.

This is spot on.

[stray]

Eh, you have issues too by the way. You realize how tedious it is, but yet, you want her.  


Just for an experiment, find an older woman (older than you, not just her).

[apocrypha]

the problem occurs when we hang out I realize how much I want her

And you'll feel like that about the next person you fall in love with too.

You've got to decide just how much work you're willing to do to make the relationship work (and they're all hard work one way or another) but you've also got to decide how little effort you're prepared to put up with from her.

Tell her that. See who jumps first.

[photek]

Eh, you have issues too by the way. You realize how tedious it is, but yet, you want her.  

Difference is, I'm aware of them

[Lantyssa]

If you decide to stick with her, stop baring your soul to her so much at this stage.  It's trusting and awesome of you, but it's probably overwhelming for her.  If she's having commitment issues then it could actually be pushing her away.

That's not to say be cold or not to tell her how you're feeling or that you love her, just try to rein it in a bit.

Also women can be moody, emotional, and frigidly cold at the same time.

[photek]

If you decide to stick with her, stop baring your soul to her so much at this stage.  It's trusting and awesome of you, but it's probably overwhelming for her.  If she's having commitment issues then it could actually be pushing her away.

That's not to say be cold or not to tell her how you're feeling or that you love her, just try to rein it in a bit.

I got the same advice from a friend (woman) and I tried this and it kinda works. Also I try to be somewhat laid back around her and not overwhelm her with this, but we always end up in the same yellow submarine due to :

Also women can be moody, emotional, and frigidly cold at the same time.

Really, I haven't noticed 

[stray]

Eh, you have issues too by the way. You realize how tedious it is, but yet, you want her.  

Difference is, I'm aware of them

Yeah, that is a good step actually.

Now go away. Find a milf.

[schild]

Also, Photek. Don't be emo. Girls don't really deserve information unless they ask for it. And even then, say as little as possible. I don't mean to single out girls, it just applies to this situation. Guys don't deserve it either. In other words, shut the fuck up too.

[Lantyssa]

Also women can be moody, emotional, and frigidly cold at the same time.

Really, I haven't noticed 

I know you're learning it.  I'm reassuring you that it's not in your head.  Some of us really are that way.

(Been called an ice queen a time or two, and I'm definitely unstable, so, yeah.)

[Oban]

...when you start having fucked up thoughts at my age like "Shit, I could actually live with this girl and I see a future"....

+

two to three months of dating.

Yeah, you are way over thinking this and putting too much pressure on a twenty year old woman.

Step back.  The worst thing you can do is push her to get married and/or pregnant.

I agree one hundred percent with anyone who says you should date an older woman if this relationship implodes.  You need to gain some perspective, because fuck, you are only 24.

 

[photek]

Oban : I would never push her into anything like that, I'm not in a rush and deffo not ready for that shit, just saying I could see as a possibility.

[Engels]

Sorry it didn't work out, photek, but it just is part of the make up. Any girl that's looking for a stable relationship at 20....wachout, that one's a lemon. So <shudder> Schild is right and has said the correct thing here. About interpersonal relationships. You know, if -he's- right about interpersonal relationships, its gotta be a platonic truth stamped out in gold above the heavens.

So, it hurts, and maybe you're like me at that age, where I managed to mope about in angsty existential self-pity for months on end over some bint that ditched me at a tender age. If so, watch lots and lots of Blackadder.

[Oban]

Are you in the US or Canada?

[Signe]

I have to figure out what is best for me and stop thinking about only the ups and remove the love-blindness and face the downs and see what is best for me and for my future. I love her, I truly do, but I can't be played with like this emotionally and going around pondering what is going on.

Well, this, right?  But you already knew that because you already said it!  

And don't listen to a thing SnakeCharmer says.  He doesn't know anything.  I can't imagine how he ever got a woman.  Drugged her, I guess.  I also heard he smells like ass.

So there.

[photek]

Are you in the US or Canada?

Nope, I'm in Norway. And I think I'm starting to see the picture and I will have to grow some massive balls and bite the facts as they are.

[schild]

Are you in the US or Canada?

Nope, I'm in Norway. And I think I'm starting to see the picture and I will have to grow some massive balls and bite the facts as they are.

Actually, the last thing you need is balls. You're talking about a 20 year old here, obviously having gotten involved, what you need is brains.

[SnakeCharmer]

Bang her sister.

Married and not quite as hot. Her mom though.. Cougar. Seriousness plez  

OK.  Seriousness?  She's too young for seriousness.  She's too inexperienced (at life in general, not just relationships).  She's behind the curve.  She might be worth it later, but not now.  Do you really want to be her closed alpha test?

Once you reach your age, the whole 'girls/women mature faster than men' gets tossed out the window.  But yeah, you're too young as well.  Have fun.  Enjoy your youth.  Serious relationship is fine, just make sure that person is in the same place mentally as you.  Ditch the emo act.  Don't be this guy.

Follow Stray's advice:  Find a milf.

[Samwise]

Get out of that relationship.  Then bang her mom.

Seriously.

[Righ]

Just bang her mom. If the relationship continues after that, its an interesting twist.

[schild]

Just bang her mom. If the relationship continues after that, its an interesting twist.

If by interesting you mean "I want to play" then yes, I want to play.

[photek]

Just bang her mom. If the relationship continues after that, its an interesting twist.

Haha, this is awesome.

[Oban]

Just bang her mom.

[stray]

Just bang her mom. If the relationship continues after that, its an interesting twist.

Haha, this is awesome.

This is progress though. Your relationship with her is officially dead, in one way or another. Even if you DID seal the deal with her, and got married, had kids, one day, sooner or later, you'll be sitting around and feel compelled to fess up that you once entertained the idea of sleeping with her mother. And then she would leave you anyways. So.. it's good. You can just leave now.

But not without banging her mom, of course.

[Merusk]

It's over, time to walk away.  You'll feel like shit. She'll feel like shit. You'll both wonder for years if it was the right decision. It was.

Find someone ready for the commitment, because she's not and you are. There's no such thing as a "soulmate" or "one true love" so divest yourself of the notion that somehow this will be worth it in the end.  You'll drag both of you down into the pits and waste time you could have spent looking for or in a better relationship.

You'll notice there's no naysayers here, either.  Married, single, dedicated bachelors, male and female alike are all saying, "get out."

[Lantyssa]

I'm not saying get out.

It's certainly an option, and they may decide they need to go that route, but I don't think they necessarily have to end it either.  Taking a step back, letting each other breath and not putting undo pressure on one another, evaluating things, and going from there is all I'm recommending.

[rattran]

Yeah, you don't have to walk away, but give her some space. Pouring out your heart and soul after 3 months? Considering she could be 'the one'? Too much too fast. She's only 20 for fuck's sake. Stop being pushy and emo. Casually date, get the occasional booty call, and enough with the 3 part angsty sms messages. Loser.


Or, you could bang her mom.