f13.net

Okay, giving or receiving advice from internet strangers is not always the best idea.  That said, it is almost always amusing.  Not sure we have a thread for some of the less serious advice topics, so I am starting one here.  Naturally, I only do so because I am in need of some advice.  Or maybe I just need to share the particulars of my story, for everybody's amusement.

My neighbor.  It always seems to be about neighbors, right?  She lives alone, except for the several cats we think belong to her and whom she sorta treats like children.  She can be heard having conversations with them on a daily basis.  She seems like a "nice" person on a superficial level, based on the very few conversations I've had with her.  I have no idea what the inside of her house looks like in terms of cleanliness, but I can tell you that the outside of her house is an utter horror to behold.  Just random filth laying everywhere.  Her garbage can, for example, will lay out on its side in the middle of her driveway (which usually has three feet of weeds sprouting out of it) for weeks and weeks at a time.  No garbage in it, not sure what she actually does with her trash.  Her mailbox sits crookedly on top of one of those small electric station thingies that you sometimes see at the end of people's yards out by the street.  The lid hangs ajar, with some masking tape half-heartedly holding the thing together.  Mail is just spilling out of it, obviously.  She once asked by if I could watch her porch for packages that arrived while she was on vacation in Thailand, and I did so, being the good neighbor that I am.  I would go over every few days, and have to make judgements about what was legally posted mail sitting on her porch, and what was old trash.  Most of it was old trash.  She is probably somewhere between 50 and 60 years old, kind of hard to pin down.  She is not attractive...had she been born in a different age, she would have probably been accused of being a witch and I am not saying that out of meanness...she just looks a certain way. She keeps to herself for the most part and seems like a bit of a shut-in. 

Well, that sort of changes when the weather starts to turn nice.  We get to see a lot more of her when the sun comes out.  How much more, you ask?  A WHOLE LOT MORE.  You see, crazy dirty cat lady neighbor, who otherwise keeps herself locked inside for months at a time, likes to sunbathe.  Without almost all of her clothes.  Does she like to do this in the nice grassy area on the other side of her house?  Oh no, not at all.  She lays out in the driveway, probably on some kind of taped-together lawn chair.  This driveway directly borders the fence in between us, and silly us for cheaping out a little on the fencing materials, but damned if you can't sorta see right through that thing.  And even if you couldn't, the occasional passer-by out on the street would have a zero-obstruction view to crazy dirty cat lady's glory.  You can probably figure out by now that this isn't the sort of "heh, sweet, the neighbor lady is laying out topless again!  Scwhing!" thing.  This is the get-the-kids-inside-quick-oh-fuck-I-just-ate-lunch-and-am-going-to-puke sort of thing.  I am getting grossed out just typing this.  And not that it changes anything, but she will also fall asleep out there and start snoring very loudly.  Anyway, I know the human body can be a very beautiful thing, but let's be honest - it usually really isn't.  Certainly not in this case.

So, since is the advice thread, my wife and I are considering plans.  It should be noted that, in this country (DK), I don't think it is remotely illegal to do what she is doing.  Here are the various things we have discussed:

- Investing a small fortune to move all of our outdoorsy type stuff to the other side of our house, thus avoiding the problem to a large degree.  Seems extreme.
- Putting a very thick hedge up for that strip of fencing where the crime against humanity tends to be visible.  Mind you, I already did a shitload of work tearing shit like that down when we moved in a couple years ago to create more space, and would be loathe to put it back in.  If only we knew back then...
- Actually putting up a second fence over that same section, strategically aligning the slats such that it becomes impenetrable.  It would probably work, but fuck, it sure seems silly.
- Telling her, probably by anonymous letter deposited deftly in her aforementioned mailbox, that she needs to desist such behavior, lest our children suffer irreversible psychological trauma.  Actually, I am most worried about myself with this one.
- Somehow bring it up with the homeowner's association.  The obvious downside to this is that you have to communicate with the homeowner's association and FUCK THOSE GUYS.
- Do the adult thing, and go over and have a polite conversation with her.  My entire soul rails against attempting such a thing.  It doesn't help that my wife jokes all the time that crazy dirty cat lady is in to me and that might be the source of all of this.

So, I am looking for random internet advice.  Serious and non-serious suggestions welcome.  What would you do?

I thought everyone in Denmark hung about nakies.

Pics or it didn't happen.

If this is as bad as it sounds, I recommend shock therapy to purge the memories.

The adult conversation one.  It's ALWAYS the adult conversation one first.

I don't have kids to consider so I would probably just laugh it off and try to avoid looking that direction when leaving the house. She's on her property, you said she's not doing anything illegal, she enjoys it and it doesn't sound like she has much going for her in life, and it seems like you'd object slightly less if she was attractive. I'd let crazy cat lady do her thing without having to worry about the neighbors' delicate sensibilities. But like I said, I don't have kids.

I probably embellish a point or two.  Truth is, while I don't want to see it, if it were just me I would probably just ignore it.  It is actually my wife who is freaking out the most over it.


You are almost certainly right, but given what I wrote above...it would be my wife's job to have that conversation.  Totally not worth it for me.  And my wife would move first.


Not in a million years.  I actually have a picture of her front porch from when I was playing mailman, but no way am I going into Nerf territory with this.


As you probably know, there is an inverse relationship between how good looking someone is and how likely they are to sunbathe in the buff.  Sometimes you hit jackpot, but unfortunately the opposite is far more true.

Instead of hedges, how about a trellis with climbing vines of some sort to form a visual fence?  Or the existing fence but then it'll likely go onto her side and take over the yard...

Move.

That was my first though in response to "what would you do" too. Plants are nice, there's lots of really nice, fast growing climbing plants that'll give you some extra privacy pretty quickly. Things like clematis, pyracantha (also very thorny, keeps cats out), honeysuckle, morning glory, even some bean runners can work!


Not sure if you're joking here tbh. I don't think it's very likely that your kids would suffer irreversible psychological trauma from seeing some old lady boobs. We'll all be old someday, hopefully.

Usually the option that seems the toughest is the right one. In this case, it's having an uncomfortable conversation as an adult first.

The other options are just half-assing your way out of an easily confronted problem if you act like an adult.

I'm with Velorath. "I wish you'd stop being so ugly" isn't really having an "adult conversation" any way you frame it.

Explaining that people sunbathing nude in the front yard makes you uncomfortable is hardly the same conversation as HEY UGGO, GET THEE TO A NUNNERY!

I guess I don't get what there is to be so uncomfortable about. I mean, I do, but it wouldn't have occurred to me that it was anything but a personal problem.

not making my usual effort not to be insufferable because it's a thread for awful internet advice and someone has to be that guy

It isn't really an "I'm uncomfortable with nudity" thing (well, maybe it is for my wife, not entirely sure).  One, she is super gross.  Two, the setting is not wholly appropriate.  It isn't like we are going to the beach and opening ourselves up to such things.  SHE IS RIGHT THERE FOR ALL TO SEE.

Have you considered murder and then pinning it on the cats?

You could try very awkwardly to take a picture as if you are trying to hide the fact that you are taking a picture and then when she sees you, run into the house like a creeper. Then every time the two of you see each other, just give her a little of the ole "Eh? Whattathink?" eyebrow raise.

Granted, she may call the cops on you, but she'd probably hide her saggy sweater globes from now on.

Disclaimer: Not fucking serious in any way, shape or form. Post made for pure comedic effect. But if you do decide to do this, have your wife video the whole thing and post it or else it's just not worth it.

Cat murder...interesting.


If my wife is right, she might take me up on any creepy offers.  Even if the risk is down to something like 10%, its just not one I am willing to take.

And as I post this, I hear her coughing outside.  Unless that was a snore.  God help me.

I certainly don't know the pertinent Danish laws, but if property rights mean anything in DK then confronting this woman is only going to lead to a Nerf moment, i.e. a spiraling series of increasingly miserable interactions that always fail to satisfy your problem.  This will result in your neighbor's behavior (someting you cannot control) seriously impacting your relationship with your spouse.

There is a fence.  If you don't like what is on the other side, make it less transparent and consider moving.  Consider this an excellent lesson is learning your neighbor BEFORE closing on a home - although I know from personal experience that 10 minute pre-closing neighbor introductions are not conclusive.

HOAs solve what 10 min conversations don't.

Which is why I live in an HOA AND a PUD.  I'm a sucker for zoning law.

Well I read witch, so the only thing you can do is burn her.  :why_so_serious:

I'd go to the HOA in a heartbeat.  I don't like dealing face to face with crazy. 

Big fence would help as well.  Shitty neighbors are a lot better if you can't see them at all.

Sprinklers to water the lawn are very hard to set up properly.  You might try your best to get them to water just your lawn, but then they just spray all over the place anyway!

Heh, I thought about that one already.  Unfortunately, sprinklers aren't a thing you do over here.  But I like the way you think!

Also, the HOA is a non starter.  Believe me, if we had an effective HOA, the filth coming out of this lady's property would have already been more than enough cause for action.  This isn't the USA.

+1 vote for planting something vine-y to cover the fence.  Same screening benefits as a hedge but faster and won't take up space.  I can mail you some cuttings of the motherfucking Algerian ivy that climbs over from the neighboring lot and instantly smothers anything I plant near my back fence.

We can send you some Kudzu vines from Georgia, but I'm pretty sure it would devour your country within the month.

See, I'm sure it's largely unintentional but the way you're framing things, particularly in the first post has an air of snobbery about it a bit. Like it's bad enough that her trashy yard is probably killing your property value, but now you're also kicking yourself for not building a good enough fence to completely block your view of her. You go to lengths to make sure we understand that she's crazy, ugly, and unclean. I have a feeling that if she was attractive, your post wouldn't have been about the inappropriateness of nude sunbathing in her front yard, it would be about the hot chick next door that shows off her tits and how your wife wants you to do something about it.

You realize your post could be construed as the allegorical definition of "water is wet," right?  :why_so_serious:

Yeah, well duh.  If it was a hot chick, I'd spend all my time on the trampoline.

Keep in mind where I am posting this.  I myself find the whole thing rather amusing.  That doesn't change the fact that she is super gross.

Oh, you're not in America? Are there any laws where you are that would stop you from berating her into suicide?

Yes, but then I see people giving him advice like turning the sprinklers on her or go complain to the HOA and I feel compelled to clear up the fact that the main objection here seems to be that she's ugly and the more adult way to handle isn't to talk to her and tell her she needs to stop doing something she enjoys, it's to get the hell over it.

There's no reason to get over it, ugly sunbathers are an eyesore as much as plastic pink flamingos.

I'm all for people not giving a shit about their neighbors unless there is noise or nudity involved.

Examples, barking dogs, outdoors naked, construction at 5AM, blasting music after dark, fucking with the windows open in full view.

There's a missed opportunity here:  Sell admission to the neighborhood kids like that episode of Bob's Burgers.

Or start going nekkid yourself.  If she can do it, why not you?  I think we're all thinking of this the wrong way.

If he gets naked that will only encourage the old hag to think he's down for business.

This definitely has the potential to turn into a Nerf situation.

I look forward to reading 2 years from now that Cyrrex's wife and kids have left him and that he now lives in a homeless community under a bridge, but that it was totally worth it because he was able to extract $100 in damages from his neighbor.

Can you remind me where you are now?  I've lost some game pieces.

Your position is likely the correct one, but I'm understanding the thread is to collect terrible advice.  In the end, I expect Cyrrex will not actually do anything terrible.

I'm pretty sure you are supposed to meet her in the middle here and let her give you a BJer. Neighborly.

As long as he documents his exploits here for our amusement, I am okay with your prediction.

I vote "electrical fire." Or combustibles next to the house mysteriously erupted. Who knows how it went down.

I'm saying burn her house down.

It's not the same without the crazyeyes dog.  :cry:

Talk to her and fix the fence in some way are the adult paths here.

The news here was recently talking about an old lady hoarder and her daughter who assaulted council workers who came to for able clear their front yard for the umpteenth time. It has been a local council issue for a number of years but nothing has been able to be done, and now there are going to be more court cases.

http://m.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/a-member-of-the-bobolas-bondi-hoarding-family-was-treated-for-a-cut-after-assault-claims/story-fni0cx4q-1226884826089

Your lady seems pretty mild in the crazy stakes, just build a fence and put it from your mind. Escalating is not worth it if a adult conversation can't change it.

A quick recap of a fact or two:


I am in Denmark.  This is a pretty laid back society, where something like this is generally tolerated.  As far as that goes, I think such attitudes are a good thing, in general.

Regarding the fence itself:  it isn't like this fence is see-through.  The slats are pretty much as close together as they can be.  The only way it could be improved on that front would be if it were solid.  The reason she is still visible through it is because it is literally bordering her driveway, so she is really close to it.  Even then, it isn't like you can see a ton of detail (I really, really try not to catch any detail).  It is actually worse if you go out of our driveway and walk or drive past.  There she is, for the whole world to see.  I should mention that we are right at the entrance to a popular bike/walking path, so she would be seen by dozens and dozens of innocents each day.

Another interesting fact:  while my wife and I both recall her sauntering about last summer wearing less than full clothing, it was fairly limited and never sunbathing.  We can't figure out why she has begun sunbathing out there, and why so often.

And yes, this is absolutely the terrible advice thread.  The grown up answers are appreciated, but this is as much for amusement as anything.

She was out there again yesterday.  Yum.

She may have exhibitionist tendencies and is getting a kick out of seeing people's reactions to her. In which case the best response would be complete indifference. Just stop caring at all. If you can learn to genuinely not give a fuck then it stops being a problem for you anyway :)

I would go along with that explanation if she wasn't in all other ways a bit of a recluse.  Also, she is usually having a nap while she is out there, so it isn't like she is able to gauge reactions.  I am more apt to believe that she simply doesn't give a fuck.  That seems to fit well with other aspects of her existence.

It just occurred to me that she is also laying about in the area where my boys sometimes accidentally kick a soccer ball over the fence...which they then have to go fetch.  Won't that be interesting.

Maybe if you sped up the tanning process she wouldn't need to be out there so much. Wait for her to take a nap out there and mount a large lens or parabolic reflector to your fence with her as the focal point.

Now you're on board, dude.  It has crossed my mind that maybe she'll nap so long during one of these sessions, that's she burn herself to a crisp and not be able to spend time outside for a few months. 

Boy, I'll just delete that one.  You guys aren't old enough.

Wat?

Yeah, what?

I just spent about an hour outside pulling weeds.  Without my shirt on.  GAME ON CRAZY CAT LADY.

That'll show her!

Also if your kids kick the soccer ball into her yard and she's there naked, they'll quickly learn ball control.

Phrasing !!

<snicker>

Just a reminder that I delete more than half my posts before they become posts.  That one almost made it.

Now you're just dicking with us.

Though I have to say about 25% percent of mine go the way of 'nup, not worth it.'  Why the other 75% get through, I have no idea.

It's important to dick with at least one person every Wednesday.

Are we done with the naked neighbor?  I'd post something silly to get advice on, but I only have first-world problems.

Show us what you got.

It's that bad, eh? :awesome_for_real:

Alright, I think I have an innocuous one.  My shower heads have less force than they did ten years ago.  They are both in one shower and tee from the same pipe.  I did take off the one that I use and shake out some bits, but I don't know why the second one is slow since I hardly ever use it.  Same lack of pressure between hot and cold.  Maybe the whole house has dropped?  Not sure what I need to look at.

You can get a gauge to check your house's water pressure on an outside faucet.

Boring.

It's Ant Season in Georgia, and the enemy troops are on the move.  What do I do?

Make some art: http://www.anthillart.com/

Climate change has altered the air pressure so the water has to fight against it more to get out of the shower head. What you need to do is reverse global warming.

Gas and matches, obviously. Then video the process on your phone from a close distance.

Have you cleaned the showerheads lately (http://www.ehow.com/how_5121760_clean-clogged-shower-head-vinegar.html)?

Cleaning the shower head was on the agenda until the unused one showed the same issue.  However, it really won't hurt.

Ant casting: too much digging.

Tree roots have punctured your pipes and you are now leaking water underground :awesome_for_real:

That is not impossible, I suppose.

Obviously you should dig up all your pipes just to make sure one isn't leaking.

The reason I didn't call this thread the Crazy Naked Cat Lady thread is because I figured it would eventually play out, and we could then also use it for other useless random advice.  And in a ironic twist, I too have a problem with a shower head with reduced water pressure that I can't figure out, so I will be watching this space.

Naked lady was out doing her thing two days ago, but luckily it got too chilly yesterday for a repeat performance.  There isn't much else to say at this point.  Although, driving by a few times when she hasn't been out there, I notice that she does not actually seem to have a lawn chair that she lays on.  In the approximate place where she has been spotted sunbathing, there are a few plastic box looking things.  I can't help but wonder if she is somehow laying on a couple of those.  It sounds ridiculous, but believe me - crazy naked cat lady does not clean up after herself, so it is very unlikely that she is moving a lawn chair out of sight.  Quite a mystery.

WHat you should do is be inspired by the crazy cat lady and oil yourself down with suntan lotion, then you wont feel the water pressure. Problem solved!

How old is the house. It's possible if you have iron pipes they have become so corroded yours water pressure has dropped. More likely you should just take off the head and let it run a minute and see how the pressure is without it. One nice thing about older homes is they dont have low flow faucets in the kitchen.

So we have decided that we are actually going with the overlapping fence solution.  Done right, the slats on each section of fencing (they are pre-fabricated sections that you simply screw into the posts) should overlap, creating an impenetrable barrier against wanton nudity.  Four or five sections should do it.

Why wouldn't a webcam with the URL emailed to her kid's house work?

There is no way on earth she has kids.  At least not ones that survived.  Have I not been describing her thoroughly enough?  I guess I never explicitly stated she was alone in there.  It is possible that she has a former husband in there, in the form of a corpse.

11.5 years, copper pipes.  However I have never changed the anode in the water heater.  I'm not sure I am up to soldering copper pipes, else I'd have exchanged the heater already.

Could drop $15 on a pressure gauge and hook it up to a valve (easiest indoor would be the washer cold water valve) and see if it is your supply line or something in the house. Pretty sure you can also do it for the hot water as well to test the pressure routing through the tank. That might give you an idea if the tank is the culprit or not. I don't do plumbing stuff since sweating pipes I can't seem to do properly. But general stuff that screws together I am ok with.

Interestingly, water pressure is extremely high for the past few days.

Which could be bad if something dislodged and is constricting flow, but only if the pressure was higher than before all this happened in the first place.

Start cutting pipes.

And make sure to keep us updated with lengthy writeups, plskthnx.

The pressure rises and falls from time to time.  I blame the county.  It does make it difficult to find a baseline for measurement.

I might cut pipes if this was (C)PVC but I'm not ready for copper.

Clearly there's a break somewhere and rats have crawled in.  The pressure decrease when they are fiddling about, blocking flow and increases when they are gone.

You need to heat the pipes and burn those fuckers out.

Baby gators.

Also, going back a bit: I'm also coming around to the idea of HOAs. As my neighbor cuts down the 60'+ tall pine that was healthy and straight as an arrow. After cutting down all the other six pines on his lot. After cutting all the branches (JUST the branches) off his large mature cherry tree that blossomed like crazy. And nailing bird feeders to it.

He's also a slumlord applying that special brand of 'property improvement' to his place, just killing the value but thinking he's sitting on a gold mine.

HOAs are great until you have your rates raised every year for 7 years straight with no improvement in service. It costs me $65 more a month than it did when I moved in. That and if there is a board, it is generally controlled by geriatrics with nothing better to do than stick their noses in people's business and continually vote themselves into board positions until they die.

Raising prices? you guys made the mistake of giving that power directly to the board? Hilarious.

Get involved, get voted in along with a few neighbors.  Then change the rules so you need homeowners votes to do big things, rather than a board majority.  My dad did this in the neighborhood I grew up.  The old board hated him but the community was happier for it.

Fuck that. Bend the current members of the HoA to your will with a healthy combination of blackmail and sexual favors.

Oh right forgot what thread this was.

Blackmail is too 1990s.  Go for the gusto and create a smear page using one of the other members name to register the site.  Bonus points if you can hook the local news station's "scam investigator" in some method., embarrassing both the station and the HOA. 

This sounds like a job for the Koch Brothers!

Tea Party SuperPAC to take control of the HOA?  :awesome_for_real:

Have Nerf move into the HOA and use him as a pawn in your bid for power.

You guys are looking at all these problems the wrong way. Crazy naked oiled up cat ladies, ants, home owner associations, and neighbors in general can all be dealt with easily. Build yourself a microwave gun (http://hackaday.com/2011/03/21/herf-gun-zaps-more-than-your-dinner/) and just zap them all. Eventually they'll all die or be hospitalized so it's win/win. You don't even need to say a word to them, thus avoiding bringing attention to yourself. Just to create false trails you should probably zap some random strangers around too.

If you're not up for that try mailing the ants from Georgia to Cyrrex. Then he can just dump the all over her yard. Better yet, you Texans should mail him some fire ant colonies. They're a lot more bitey than anything from Georgia, and what would be less suspicious than an outbreak of Southwest American ants in one yard in Denmark. Or maybe get some tubes of genital lice from that place that sells genital lice online to people who want to use them for revenge. Put them on her lawn furniture and enjoy the spectacle of her furiously clawing at her crotch in front of the whole neighborhood.

Put major appliances on their own circuit, ffs.