f13.net

MAKING LOVE

The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above da bed in ecstacy."

The Frenchman replies. "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole lady , I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling"

Bigot.

Wow that was stupid.

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

A: Slap her.

Sexist and horrible but the first time I heard this I couldn't help but laugh.

A man with a pick, another with a shovel and a supervisor set out one fine morning to dig a ditch.

The supervisor had a clipboard with paper, a watch, and a pencil. He stood under a shady tree and every now and again would look at his watch and make a mark on the paper with his pencil.

And the morning wore on.

After a while the man with the pick turned to the man with a shovel and asked "Why is he just standing under that shady tree?".

The man with the shovel replied "Donno, I think I will ask him".

He walked over to the supervisor and inquired. The supervisor replied "intelligence".

The guy with the shovel said "intela what?

The supervisor said "I'll demonstrate". And put his hand in front of the trunk of the shady tree. He said "Now hit my hand with your shovel".

The man reared back and swung. Just at the last moment the supervisor pulled his hand away. The shovel hit the trunk and vibrated in the workers hands.

The supervisor said "That's a demonstration of intelligence. Now get back down in that ditch".

The worker went back to the ditch. The man with the pick asked" well, what did he say?"

"He said intelligence".

The guy with the pick said "Intella who?"

The man with the shovel looked around.

But, there wasn't any shady trees down in that ditch.

So, he put his hand in front of his face and said "Hit my hand with your pick".

Pirate walks into a bar.  Bartender says "Do you know you have a steering wheel on your crotch?"  Pirate replies "Aye, it's driving me nuts!"

What do you call cheese that is not your own?



Nacho Cheese!   :drill:

What is E.T. short for?


Cos he only has little legs!

I'm here all week, don't eat the fish.

WHY DO RABBITS HAVE BIGEARS?

BECAUSE NODDY WOULDN'T PAY THE RANSOM.

(Capitals helps hide the punchline in text - and emphasise the awesomeness)

Two peanuts were walking down the street.  One was assaulted.

Damnit Yeg, I was gonna post that.

Why's Divorce so expensive?  Because it's worth it!

Why do men die before women? Because they want to!

Hm, I'll see how bad the thread gets before posting others.

Sodium Ion walks into the bar

Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Sodium Ion says, "I'm missing an electron!"

Bartender says, "You sure?

Sodium Ion says, "I'm positive!"

Two strings walk into a bar.

One says to the bartender, "I'd like a jack and coke pleaseØõ»üËŸÒÅqìÁH‡� ë¤"

The second one says, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he isn't null terminated."

Ah, it's turning into one of those joke threads.  Must... resist... engineer/physicist/mathematician jokes....

Please do. I suffered through that for 5 years of engineering. NOTHING on the world is more annoying than a classroom full of people who think Intel jokes are funny.

Why is a latin student a great date?
They can't decline sex.

Some first-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"

Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?


She was a woman.

Descartes is sitting in a bar, the bartender asks him, "Want another drink?"


Descartes replies, "I think not," and vanishes in a puff of logic.

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice.

There was a fire at the circus! It was in tents intense!

How do you capture a unique rabbit?

Unique up on him.

How do you capture a tame rabbit?

The tame way.

Why did Buckwheat wash his clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold out tide.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Two fish are in a tank, and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"

Rudolph's wife is looking out the window at the dreary Moscow day. "I think it's going to snow, dear." she says. "No," he replies, "it's going to rain." "But it's too cold for rain," she states. "Look," he retorts, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

(that was my favorite joke when I was maybe 5 years old)

Bear walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve bear." Bear threatens to destroy a table. Bartender still refuses to serve him, so he destroys the table. "There, you see? I mean business, now give me a beer." "Sorry, we don't serve bear." "Look, if you don't serve me, I'll eat that woman at the end of the bar." Bartender doesn't budge, so the bear eats the woman. "Ok, now you see I mean business?" Bartender looks at him and says "Yeah, but we don't serve druggies in this place." The bear gives him a confused look. THe bartender explains, "That was the bar bitch you ate."

The pope, a boy scout, and George Bush are all in a small plane. The pilot enters the passenger cabin and says, "Sorry for the inconvenience, we're going to crash. We only have three parachutes. I have survival and first aid skills, so I can help whoever parachutes out." He takes a parachute and jumps. George Bush jumps up and grabs the next parachute, "I'm the leader of the free world and the world's smartest man!" He jumps out. The pope looks at the scout and says, "Son, I've lived a long and full life, you take the parachute and I'll gracefully go meet the Lord." The boy scout laughs and says, "The heck with that, padre, the world's smartest man just jumped out of the plane with my knapsack!"

You may be an engineer if:

• If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
• If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
• If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
• If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
• If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
• If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
• If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
• If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
• If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
• If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate

A young engineer was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."




And my favorite engineer joke:

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Q. What is the definition of revenge?
A. A baby with a dingo in its mouth.

That's a new version of driving-by-braile.

Two men walk into a bar. 

The third one ducked.

Q: How did Helen Keller's family punish her?

A: Rearrange the furniture.

Moses, Jesus, and an old guy are playing golf on a Saturday afternoon. They get to a Par 3 with a water hazard in front of the green. Moses hits first and the shot goes right in the hazard. Moses confidently walks to the hazard, parts the water, and hits his ball out of the hazard onto the green.

Jesus hits next and the ball is heading toward the water hazard as well. Just as it's about to go in, the ball rests neatly on top of the water. Jesus walks out onto the water, hits his ball, and lands it on the green.

The old guy hits last, and his ball starts heading toward the water hazard. Just as it's about to go in, a large fish jumps up and grabs the ball in his mouth. At that moment and eagle swoops down and grabs that fish. The eagle flies over the green where it's struck by a bolt of lightning. The eagle drops the fish, which lands right on the green. The ball pops out of the fish's mouth, rolls 20 feet, and goes right in the hole for a hole-in-one.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Man, I hate playing with your Dad."

When I said engineer/physicist/mathematician jokes, I meant these (http://www.farmdale.com/emp-jokes.shtml).  I love the fence one.  Linking since I can't take credit.

This one is the second funniest joke in the world.  I thought it was funnier than the funniest joke in the world.

Piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink.  Bartender says "We don't serve string here."  String walks out.  String folds himself into a loop, passes one end through, and then teases up both ends.  String walks back into the bar.  Bartender says "Hey, aren't you the string that was in here just a minute ago?"  "No, I'm a frayed knot."

What do you call a...

guy with no legs in a lake - Bob
guy with no legs in a pile of leaves - Russel
guy with no legs no arms in front of a door - Matt
guy with no legs no arms in a hole - Phil
woman with one leg one arm - Ilene
Asian woman with one leg one arm - Irene

When is a door not a door? when its a jar

What's wrong with a circular argument? There's a hole in it.

What's wrong with string theory? It's full of loose ends.

(http://www.oftenwrong.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/woman.jpg)

A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer were debating the professional aspect of God. The doctor said, "I know that God is a doctor...when you look at the anatomy of the human body and its ability to heal, God can only be a doctor."

The lawyer disagreed, "Consider the precise analytical capabilities of the human mind. Unlike any other animal, Man is able to extrapolate logical conclusions from major and minor premises. God is definitely a lawyer."

The engineer shook his head. "No...you all have it wrong. God is a civil engineer. Only an engineer would locate a sewage treatment plant right in the middle of a recreational area."

--------

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field between 40 & 41 degrees latitude and 120 and 124 degrees West longitude."
"You must be an Architect," says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to me and I still don't know where I am."
The man below says, "You must be a contractor."
"Well yes" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've made a promise that you can't keep, but now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in the same position as you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

FIFY.

Reminds me of another one:

A helicopter pilot is flying around Seattle in a thick fog trying to find the airport.  After a while he decides to ask for directions so he pulls up to a building, rolls down the window and shouts to a guy working in his office, "Hey, where am I?"  The office worker yells back, "You're at the 5th floor." and then the pilot rolls the window up flies a short distance, makes a left turn and lands perfectly at the heliport.

His passenger says, "That's amazing, how did you know where you were from those directions?"  The pilot replies, "Oh, that answer was absolutely correct and at the same time absolutely worthless so I knew I was at the Microsoft Help Center."

Q: How do you tell if the stage is level at a bluegrass concert?
A: The banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.

Q: Is it possible to get pregnant from anal sex?
A: Of course -- where do you think lawyers come from?

Q: Why did God create Man?
A: Because dildos don't mow the lawn.

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a man?
A: One's a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Q: How many frat boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Frat boys don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in puddles of vomit.

I'm taking that one, if you don't mind sir.

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

----

What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
 A whine and cheese party

----

A woman went to a doctor and said , "Doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The doctor said, "Oh really, what have you been doing for it?"
The woman replied, "Snorting pepper."

----

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

----

What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
  A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

I'm not going to lie, this was fairly clever.  :drill:

Heh. I had a Fantasy Football team called the Cunning Runts a few years back.

Sorority joke time?

Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
A: You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?



For drizzle.  :rimshot:

Copied and pasted from a forwarded email, so most of you probably have 10 copies waiting in your inboxes...

A Redneck is driving down a back road in Nevada, on  his Harley. 
 
A sign in front of a Casino reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
 Lobster Tail and Beer
 
"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"

Warning :  Scottish Jokes.

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from  Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa deer," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

Aman takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says  Taiwan ."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an  Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an  Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in  Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

A  Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down  Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."

Ah, I actually got a few of those.

Excellent, that'll be 4 people on the boards.

Also, your avatar is starting to creep me out.  It's like the before and after picture when we're talking.

I only got three of the Scottish jokes. I fail at globalism.

About half.  The easy half. :|

Only just now?  I had a good run.

I got a couple too, but I had to read them out loud using my best Alan Cumming impression.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Shopping Bag?
- One is made of plastic and is dangerous to children, the other is used for carrying Groceries.

Most... obscure... joke.. ever.

I like it, though.

It is a Glasgow Joke, right enough.

A guy and his family are sitting at a local restaurant. The dad notices that the waitress' blouse is undone quite a bit, and when she bends over, he notices she's not wearing a bra. The guy sees her tits in all their glory. He gets an erection, and leaves a nice tip. Later that night he goes home, and tries to have sex with his wife, but she turns him down. The next day he goes and talks to a psychologist. His marriage is failing.

Holy necro.

Q: What do you say to a women with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told her twice.

Read the thread before you necro it (http://forums.f13.net/index.php?topic=11928.msg394337#msg394337).

An undertaker loads a coffin into his hearse and takes the corpse to the graveyard. On the way, he has to go up a step hill. Halfway up the hill, the door in the back flies open the coffin goes sliding out down the road. It slides all the way down the hill, goes over a curb, and goes into a drug store. It slides through the aisles, goes all the way back to the pharmacy, and rolls up onto the desk. The lid pops open, and the corpse looks up at the pharmacist and asks, "Do you have anything to stop this coffin?"

I did... missed it.

Split body text:

http://forums.f13.net/index.php?topic=26299.0

Dude. That's so not funny.  :oh_i_see:

It got cut off........

- every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the
stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!", he ran over the snake.

Oh goddamn. It being cutoff made it hilarious.

Meh, im a forum putz. Its still my favorite joke.

tl;dl

Too long; didn't laugh.

Why can't Hellen Keller have babies?

Because she's dead.

I went to google zombie babies after reading Rattran's post...  but what I found was pretty fucking repulsive.  You have defeated me, sir.

Guy in the hospital. Girl comes in to give him a sponge bath. He asks, "Can you see if my testicles are black?" She replies that she's just to do the non-private areas. He asks again, "Please, can you just take a quick look to see if my testicles are black?" She denies him again, "Sir, I'm not a nurse, I can't do that for you." He persists, and finally she relents. She lifts the sheet and gently inspects his testicles, lifting and turning them. "They seem fine to me," she says.

"Well, thanks a lot....but COULD YOU SEE IF MY TEST RESULTS ARE BACK?"

...groin...

We've had the Scottish jokes, so here's some Welsh ones.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields.

Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man "Paid a yfed yr dwr! Mae'n uch-y-fi!"¹

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking. Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer.

"Paid fachgen! Dwr ych-y-fi! Mae defidau crappio yn y dwr!"²

Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Dim drinkio!"³

"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said dear boy!" said the man at the stream in a fine English accent;

"Oh I see, you're English" said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get a lot more in..."

¹Don't drink the water! It's dirty!
²Don't do it, boyo. The water's dirty. Sheep have crapped in it.
³It's dirty water! Don't drink it!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Two American tourists, on a driving holiday through Wales, stopped for lunch in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllantysiliogogogoch. One tourist asked the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The waitress leaned over and said,"Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg..."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Gordon Brown was giving a speech in Cardiff.  He said "I was born a Scotsman, I have lived all my life as a Scotsman and I will die as a Scotsman."

A voice called out from the crowd "What's wrong boyo? Got no ambition?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Rhys: Doctor, I can’t stop singing the Green, Green Grass of Home.

Doctor: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

Rhys: Is it common?

Doctor: It’s not unusual.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It's the final of the 2009 Six Nations rugby tournament and Wales, once again, are ahead on points going into the final against England.  They've been playing so well all season that the morning of the final, Shane Williams turns to the rest of the team and says "Listen lads. There's no point all of us wasting our day. Why don't you all go down the pub and I'll beat England by myself."  The rest of the team agree.

After a few beers, the Welsh team decide to see how Williams is doing so they turn the televison on and, sure enough, at the end of the first half, he's beating England by 21 points to 3. They go back to their drinking and don't watch the rest of the game.  A couple of hours later, Shane Williams turns up at the pub looking dejected and apologetic. "What's wrong?" they asked. "Didn't you win?" "No," Williams replied, "England won 23 - 21". "Ah well! They said. You were playing by yourself so it's still a damn good result."

"I know," said Williams, "but I got sent off after 2 minutes of the second half."

I thought that was all you really needed for the last joke :rimshot:

FIFY

At the risk of repeating myself...

 :rimshot:

Properly fixed.

While we're at it...

Q. What do you call an Englishman holding the champagne after a 6 nations match?

A. Waiter.

Q:what is long, brown and sticky?
A:a stick

Q:what do you call a fish with no eyes?
A:a FSH

Q:what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A:where's my tractor?

Q:how do you call a duck that is hard of hearing? (great one to say in public)
A:HHHEEERRRREEEE DDDUUUCCCKKKK!!!

In a similar style:

Do you want to hear my duck call?

Hey, you!  With the feathers.  Get over here!

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?




Dr. Dre

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"


The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"

I liked this one.

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device ... a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I’ll explain the toy ... you explain the kids."

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake"

GOLD!

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The old man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Aren't you afraid of me? Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep, " was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the innkeep three nails and says, "Can ya put me up for the night?"

Told Oban's to the fiancee last night. For some reason I often drop into accents. I gave the old guy a Maine accent and it worked great (and changed yep to ayuh, naturally).

I was given a joke book for my birthday with some good ones in it.  For giggles, I shall drop by here every now and again to post the bad ones.

I'm starting to think you are making up these words.

Whatever gave you that impression?

Okay that one's not funny. The Satan one was good, though.

q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun
a: A roaming Catholic

q: What's green and sings?
a: Elvis Parsley

q: What's got 10 letters and starts with gas?
a: An Automobile

These horrible jokes thanks to Laffy Taffy.

I hate you, Laffy Taffy.

I just thought it was because Welsh, like Gaelic, lacks words for anything invented after somewhere around.. oh, I dunno... the Mesolithic?  Stupid Gaelic telly on BBC Scotland is like that:


Despite centrally-funded attempts to make up neologisms, French has much the same issue.

I've been lead to believe that drinking and crapping have been around for quite a long time.

Actually, crappio might well be a real word in Welsh - "pisio" is.  "To shit" is "chacu" (like "kacky" but with aspirated k). "Rydw i'n chachu brics" means - well, you can work it out.

Swearing in Welsh is fun for all the family.

Way too long for the lame punch. A better engrish joke is:

Chinaman walks into the eye doctor. After his test, the eye doctor tells him he has a cataract. "I no have Cataract. I drive a Rincoln."

They are truly, truly awful.  A girl here at the office put Laffy Taffy in her candy jar and we discovered they had riddles on them recently.  Those were the ones I could remember.  Now that I'm at the office I could write all of the horrible puns and jokes that 10 year olds wrote-in to put on the wrappers.. but I won't.

Why can I mostly understand it when spoken (when I have great difficulties hearing the person next to me on a good day), yet when written it makes no sense at all?

Because the phonemes are almost entirely shared with English (even more than romance or scandinavian languages), but the spelling is a deliberately archaic and obscurantist code.

--Dave

Good point.  My middle name is unpronouncable without knowledge of the secret code.

Are you called Myfanwy or something?

Technically, the reason English spelling is such a mess is because of transliterating to French spelling at a time when the King (and most of the rest of the nobility) didn't speak the King's English, they spoke the lingua franca (French).  If we used the same sound to spelling maps of Welsh, spelling bees would be marathon events because it would be hard to get words wrong.

--Dave

It's Irish, but same concept.

Except you fuckers keep getting it wrong. Chinese-speakers don't have problems distinguishing between Ls and Rs.

Bullshit, I have yet to meet a Mandarin speaker who can say my name.

Not my name, but Alexander gives them fits too.

What's your name?

The "L" and "R" in sounds in Alexander are trivial for Mandarin-speakers to say. As in like you know "Lee". For the R sound there's "ren" which means person and is one of the most basic words in Chinese (if I know it it's gotta be real basic). It's pronounced sort of in between "Ren" (as in Ren and Stimpy) and "run" (it starts with the e sound but ends with the u sound) but the "R" sound is exactly like the R in Alexander.

There are many many other words in Chinese with those sounds as well. Now putting together the full name may be difficult for some speakers (e.g. the "ex" sound isn't typical) but they *do not* have trouble distinguishing between Ls and Rs.

I work with a guy from rural China and he doesn't have the L/R problem.  That's Japanese speakers you are thinking of.  Sometimes the R sounds a tiny bit like a W, but there are plenty of english-speakers that have that problem.  I blame A Christmas Story.

I assumed drinkio and crappio were made up since I seem to have understood them.  I'm interested in etymology and I'd like to know where these words came from, both as used in Welsh and English.

to counterpoint i work with 1 japanese guy and 4 chinese (2 women, 2 men).

Japanese guy adds O to everything (i.e. Labo meeting), but 3/4 of the chinese do seem to have the L/R problem.

I am pronouncing the "r" and the "l" in "More jokes please".

A diminutive Welshman was up before the magistrates in London charged with a sexual assault on a much larger Australian female.

The magistrates were baffled as to how he had managed it and closely questioned the policeman who had arrested him.

"How on earth did he do it, officer?"

"He used a bucket, sir."

"You mean he stood on it?"

"No, sir, he put it over her head and swung from the handle."

While in theory a mandarin speaker should be able to say Alexander or my name, it does not work in practice.

Go ahead, next time you encounter a Mandarin speaker tell them your name is Alexander or McAlistair.

Which is separate from whether or not they can pronounce English Ls and Rs.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Their names, if you know them. If not, just say, "Excuse me."

L is fine, r is mostly fine, but L and R together is...  :sad:

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his philandering member in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to......to....cut it off are you?!"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."


*****

Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."

The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

Okay that second one was LOL.

Saw 5 spoiler warning next time please.

Holy shit I want that half hour of my life back.  It was funnier when it got cut off.

They used that vice one in Saw? Sad, that joke's older than dirt.

So a brain and a pair of jump leads go into a bar, the jump leads turns to the brain and says "I'm goin to the toilet you get the drinks". The brain goes up to the barman and says can I have two pints please" barman says "sorry not tonight buddy". The brain pretty angry by this replies "what the fuck is goin on here this is the third pub we been in tonight and noone will serve us whats the problem?". Barman turns and says". Well for a start you're out of your head and your mate there looks like hes about to start somethin"

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, get out! We don't serve your kind here!"

The pair of jumper cables says, "Oh come on, I promise I won't start anything!"

Guy and an alligator walk into bar, the gentleman loudly questions the bartender "hey, do you serve Mexicans here?".  The bartender, appalled, rushes to the man and quietly answers "sir, of course we do, we don't discriminate in any way at this bar, we serve everyone, regardless of race, color, or creed!"

"Outstanding!" replies the man, I'll have a beer, and my alligator here will have a Mexican.

Terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers.

The called a press conferance and threatened to release one an hour till their demands were met.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'

'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

Not bad Oban.

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.  The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"  The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, evidence against the official version of 9/11, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities of Amazon Basin tribes.
 
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot.  He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.  Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100."  Immediately the robot starts talking about football, trucks, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
 
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He goes out and returns, the robot serves him the drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"   The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says, real slowly, "So....ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

Gold!

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v218/Svartmetall/Misc/Weevils.jpg)

Yeah totally!   :awesome_for_real:

Someone is an Aubrey/Maturin fan, I bet.

Man walks into a doctor's office. Says "Doc, I've got this problem with uncontrollable silent farts. See, there goes one now. It's an awful stench. Oh, there's another one. Anything you can do to help?" Doc says, "First off, you're going deaf."

Stayed up way too late last night because Gilbert Godfrey was on doing a standup routine. That motherfucker is a bit hit-or-miss with lots of old material...but he fires them off non-stop for over an hour. Amazing joke knowledge and stamina.

What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs hanging above a window? Kurt N Rod.

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well", he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter,

"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice.

"Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the
restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.".

:awesome_for_real:

Oban, you're like some joke telling mad scientist.  Bravo!

I had a peon bark at me today when I laughed at something she said, which she felt was very serious.  This caused me to laugh even harder and now I need to hire a new peon. 

Laughter is the best medicine for all sorts of things.

lol

Well, in fairness, it's also possible that you are a crazy sadistic fuck.  But I suppose that depends on what she said that set you off.

Don't touch me there?

I already ruled this out for myself, I hate musicals.

Well now you're just leaving us  hanging by not sharing the joke.

Tho, in this economy I dobut you'll have a shortage of apps for the position.

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

^^^^
My boss handed that one to me today.

Here's one I got today and it's awful, disgusting, in bad taste, but funny.

The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an Ocean City
man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maryland State Troopers.

'We're sorry Mr. Rice, but we have some information about your wife,'
said one trooper. 'Tell me! Did you find her?' Rice shouted. The
troopers looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news, some
good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worst, an ashen Rice said, 'Give me the bad news first.'
The trooper said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in the Assawoman Bay near the Rt. 50 Bridge.'

'Oh my God!' exclaimed Rice! Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's
the good news?' The trooper continued, 'When we pulled her up she had
12 huge blue crabs and 6 extra large blue crabs on her.'

Stunned, Mr. Rice demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's the great news?'

The trooper said, 'We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.'

Um.

Eh ?

They're using her to fish for crabs.

I might alter the great news to be "...if we get as much when we haul her up tomorrow, the sergeant says we can have a barbeque!" or something like that.  Just to make it more obvious.

It also helps to know just how much Marylanders love their crab.

Three pollsters go duck hunting. After flushing the ducks, one shoots and misses high. The second shoots and misses low. The third yells "we hit it!"

(From an NPR show on how much pollsters fuck with numbers)

NSFW

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time .' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute ,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you ?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on' , she said, 'We don't have much time .'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on ?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did ,' and proudly held up my thumb to show her. She fainted.

Joke that put me in the doghouse with a woman today

Q: How do you make a pound of fat look attractive?
A: Stick a nipple on it.

Last two were awesome.

A Canadian man, bored with his mundane urban life, decides that it’s time to get back to nature and find his inner masculinity. He hits on the idea of hunting in the great forests of Canada, and ever the practical man, begins to prepare all the necessary provisions and equipment for camping and surviving a long weekend away. In addition he takes with him three guns; a pistol, a rifle and an elephant gun. He sets off from his home on the long journey up to the great forests and mother nature, and evenutally finds a place to set-up camp.

Waking up on his first morning and eager to start hunting, he sets off into the woods and takes with him his pistol. After a few hours skulking around the woods he spots a massive grisly bear – all of 8 foot tall – casually leaning against a tree scratching his arse. The hunter find himself a good spot to snipe from and then carefully takes aim with his pistol. “Pow!” the pistol rings out. A hole appears in the middle of the bear’s head and blood pours out. The bear slumps to the floor.

Very pleased with himself, the man struts up to the spot where the bear fell and finds that the bear’s not there. He scratches his head looking around. Suddenly he gets a tap on the shoulder, he turns round and the bear’s standing behind him. The bear says;

“You must be quite new to this mate - trying to shoot a big bear like me with a silly little gun like that? It’s just not going to work. But since it’s your first time I’ll do you a deal – either you let me fuck you up the arse, or I’ll rip you to shreds – what’s your answer?”

The man, terrified, weighs up his options carefully and decides that, despite the obvious pain, he could take the punishment and no-one need know. He agrees to the former.

The bear brutally sodomises the man with his enourmous furry length for what seems like hours, and when spent, disappears into the forest. The man, taking time for the pain to fade, gradually gets up and limps back to his camp. Undtererred and humiliated, as soon as he arrives at camp he picks up his rifle and goes out into the woods again, hungry for revenge. A few hours later, he spots the same bear leaning against a tree – all 8 ft of him casually picking his teeth. The man picks his spot and takes aim with his rifle. “POW!” the rifle booms through the forests. A large hole appears in the bears head and blood pisses out. Pleased with his revenge kill, the man confidently strides up to the tree.

The bear’s not there. A sinking feeling engulfs him and he gets a tap on the shoulder. Turning around the bear is standing behind him dabbing it’s forehead.

“Look mate, you don’t learn do you? Trying to kill a big bear like me with a stupid gun like that – it just won’t work. I’ll do you a deal though; either you let me and my bear mates fuck you up the arse or I’ll tear you apart.”

Thinking back to the pain of last time, he realised it at the very least was preferable to death. So he agrees to the bear’s punishment. The bear wolf whilstles, and out of the forest lumbers 6 or 7 of his bear friends, all equally large and fearsome. They take turns in fucking the poor man into sorry oblivion, and then when done, saunter off into the forest again.

The man, shaking with pain and humilition, composes himself and drags himself back to camp. Once there, he staunches the not incosiderable flow of blood and vows revenge. Picking up his elephant gun he waddles back into the forest to find his bear.

Sure enough, after an hour of wandering he spots the very same bear leaning against a tree, filing it's claws. He levels his huge elephant gun takes aim at the bear’s head and pulls the trigger.

“BOOOOOM!!!” The gun cracks through the forest, knocking the man to the floor. A HUGE hole appears in it’s head and the bear spins round fountaining blood in all directions. Once back on his feet, the man puffs up his manly chest and strolls over to the bears body.

Except it’s not there. Bile rises in the mans stomach and he get’s a tap on the shoulder. He turns round to find the bear standing there, pressing leaves to it’s head. Once satisfied that the bleeding has stopped, the bears sighs and says:


“You’re not here for the hunting are you mate?”

Bad pictures man...

To long of a joke for such a bland punchline.

See thread title.

I loved it.

Less critique, more st00pid jokes.

The Pope is back home after a long and exhausting world tour. His plane lands at the airport and he's hurried through to his limo waiting just off the tarmac. He's about to get in when he suddenly gets a gleam in his eye. Without warning he turns around marches up to the driver's door, leans in and tells the astonished chauffeur to get out.

'I haven't driven a car for years' he says, 'Let me take it for a spin.'

The driver can't believe what he's hearing. 'Holy Father, I can't let you do that, I would lose my job!'

'It's ok' says the Pope, 'I think I can pull rank on your supervisor if there's any trouble, now get in the back.'

The chauffeur has little choice so he gets in the back as the Pope gets behind the wheel.

As it turns out the Pope is something of a speed freak. The powerful limo is doing 70 by the time it reaches the exit road and over 100 mph as it hits the autostrada. The Pope's foot stays firmly on the gas and the poor driver in the back is soon gibbering with fear as the speed increases. Inevitably the speeding limo catches the eye of a motorcycle cop who tucks in behind the car with lights flashing and siren blaring. The Pope pulls over and the cop swaggers up to the driver's window, takes one look inside and sprints back to his bike.

'Central, I have a problem' the cop says into his radio.

'What's the problem'

'I've just pulled over a limo doing double the speed limit.'

'So book it then.'

'No, no' says the cop, 'this is big.'

'Who is it? The Mayor?'

'Bigger than the mayor'

'The President?'

'Bigger than the president.'

'Holy crap, don't tell me you pulled over the don!'

'It's bigger than the don.'

'Who the hell is it then?'

'I think it's God!'

'WHAT?'

'Well he has the Pope as a chauffeur.'

A priest dies and goes to heaven. There, he is met by a reception
committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of
the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of
the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the
languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the
library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working
back from the most recent "Easy Reading Version" to the original
script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come
running to him, only to find the priest huddled in a chair, crying to
himself, and muttering, "An "R"! They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem
is. After collecting his wits, the priest sobs again, "It's the letter
"R" ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

Stoopid and poorly spelled.

Considering two thousand years and the 14th century Latin forms of the words, celebratus and caelibatus, it is not too far off.

But yeah, the joke belongs here.

Continuing the Catholic theme.

The board of McDonalds is meeting and they're looking at the global sales figures. All over the world sales are up and profits are soaring except in South America, Spain, Italy and Ireland. The board are discussing this and how they can bring up sales in those areas. One of the execs points out that they are all strongly Catholic countries so perhaps they could use the Church to help spread the message. Everyone agrees this is a brilliant idea and the guy who came up with the idea is dispatched to the Vatican to negotiate with the Pope.

He's shown into the audience room and begins his pitch.
'Holy father, we at McDonalds would like to donate 100 million dollars a year to worthy Catholic causes.'
'Thank you my son' says the Pope. 'What would you like in return?'
'Well, father, we would like to sponsor the Lord's Prayer, we'd like to have it changed so that instead of saying 'our daily bread' it goes 'our daily Big Mac' instead.'
'I cannot do that, it is not possible to change the holy service in this way.' The Pope sounds sad. 'Not for 100 million dollars a year.'
'How about 200 million dollars a year?' the eager exec asks.
'It is not likely we could do it for 200 million dollars either.'
'I can pay 500 million dollars a year for this' says the exec.
'I will have to ask the cardinals' says the Pope. 'Such a grave step must be properly debated.'

The next day the Pope calls together a council of all the cardinals.
'I've got good news and bad news' he says. 'The good news is that McDonalds want to give us 500 million dollars a year. The bad news is that we're going to have to cancel the deal with the bread company.'

Moses comes down from the mountain;  "Good news and bad news, boys :  I've got him down to 10, but he won't budge on adultery."

That's how you do a joke, kids. Stop with the novelettes!

An engineer dies and goes to hell.  After a while he gets tired of the heat and suffering and puts in Air Conditioning, sets some temperature regulators on the pools of boiling oil, organizes the tormented masses on public works projects and generally goes about fixing the place up.

One day God comes down to talk to his old best friend and says, "Wow you've really cleaned this place up, I'm impressed." And the devil replies, "Yeah, I can't believe you sent that engineer down here, he really knows his stuff." 

"You have an engineer?  That's not right, send him back!"

"No, way.  I can't give up all these modern conveniences, we're getting running water in next week."

"Give him back or I'll sue!"

"Sue?  Yeah, right.  Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Hahaha good one.

stoopid joke?  ok here's a shot. what's the smalliest planet of them all?

uranus.

Only if it clears the neighbourhood around its orbit.

Wow.  I've been reading these forums for years.  This time I have to post.

Q: Why don't women need watches?

A: There's a clock on the oven AND microwave

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?

A: Who the fuck cares?  I wanna know why she left the kitchen and WHERE DID SHE GET SHOES???

now here's my favourite (yes Canadians like the extra u.......fuck off) extremely long joke

So three guys show up in front of St. Peter at the same time.

St. Peter: Unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded.  Yeah, we didn't expect it to happen either. So anyways, the one of you three with the most interesting story about how they got here gets into heaven, the other two don't.

Man #1: Well, for a while now, I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me.  So a few days ago I asked for today off, but I didn't tell her.  Today I woke up and got ready for work like any other day, but instead of going to work I just went to the Timmy Hortons around the corner.  A few hours later I decided it was time to go home and see if my suspicions were well founded or not.
            I went back to my home, went up to my apartment and walked inside.  My wife ran out of the bedroom and started screaming at me immediately.  This is normal for me when I come home, so I ignored her and started to look around my place.  She was still yelling at me a few minutes later and I hadn't found anything out of there ordinary, but I knew there was something wrong so I continued to ignore her.  Eventually her tirade worked all the way up to her accusing me of cheating on her, like it usually does. 
            Instead of denying it like I usually do I just stared at her like she was crazy.  After a few moments of staring at each other in blessed silence, I heard a tapping at the window.  Now, we live on the 17th story of our building, so this was a little unusual.  I went over to the window and lo and behold, there was the dirty motherfucker who had been fucking my wife, hanging off our window sill.
            I opened the window and tried to push his hands off the ledge, but he just wouldn't let go.  So I went into the kitchen, got my hammer from the tool drawer and started smacking his fingers.  That fucker must have been pretty desperate because he still wouldn't let go.  So I went back to the kitchen and pulled the fridge out of the wall, pushed it over to the window and pushed over onto the bastard.
           Unfortunately the fridges cord wrapped around my ankle and pulled me out the window after him.  I fell 17 stories, landed on a fridge and died.

St. Peter:  WoW!!!  That's pretty extreme.  Let's listen to everyone else's story before I decide though.
Man #2:  Me?  I was running on my gerbil machine when the power went out.  The machine lost power but I was still running! I flew forward and, just my luck, went right out the window.  I fell a few stories and eventually managed to grab a hold of a window sill below me.
           I heard a bunch of yelling from the apartment whose sill I was holding onto so I knew someone was home.  I was barely able to even hold on to the sill, but I somehow managed to start tapping on the window, hoping they would hear me and come rescue me.  Eventually someone must have heard me, because a man came over and openeed the window.
           Just as I started to try and haul myself up the man started screaming at me and punching my fingers.  I was kinda freaked out, but by God I was trying to live, so I kept working at pulling myself in the window.  Eventually the guy left, and just as I started to really make progress, he came back with a hammer. That's right....a Fucking hammer..... and he started smashing my fingers.
           I went from trying yo climb up to barely hanging on.  After that dirty motherfucker broke my fingers I still wouldn't let go.  Eventually he left, but I couldn't pull myself up due to all the broken fingers and such.  Since I couldn't pull myself up I started asking God to save, but apparently his idea of a sick fucking joke was for that guy to come back and drop a fridge on me.  I remember falling.  Then I landed on the nice soft grass.  I remember thinking "I can't feel my legs, but Holy SHit I'M STILL ALIVE!!!"
           Then the fridge landed on me
St. Peter:  That's Crazy!!!!  No, seriously, that's incredible.  This last guy needs to have one of the best stories ever to even have a shot at heaven.  That was seriously one of the most intense stories I've ever heard.  All right man.....What's your story?
Man#3:  So imagine you're butt ass naked, hiding in a refridgerator.......

I support that notion. We need more misogyny.

Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A: The thought had never entered his head before.

Alright, another one like that and I break-out the Laffy Taffy again.

Two of my favorite for the eight-and-under set:

Why was Cinderella so bad at football?
Her coach was a pumpkin.

What lies on its back, a hundred feet in the air?
A centipede.

Not sure where to put this since it is neither suitable for the funny nor awesome pictures threads, so I will just leave it here.

Software devs playing basketball against  :cthulu:

Why did the halfling government ban pipeweed?

Because of evidence it was hobbit-forming...

OK, that's poor, but I thought of it last night and this thread seemed the right retirement home for it.  I have no intention of googling it to find the other, previous inventors.

Q: Why shouldn't you buy a woman a clock for her birthday?
A: Sure there's already one on the cooker.

Three Jamaicans walk up to a nightclub on a fancy dress night and get in the queue. The theme of the night is 'emotions', but the Jamaican trio don't look the part. The bouncer says "So what're you supposed to be then?" to the first, who has come as a drag queen. "I'm in dis dress!" protests the Jamaican. The bouncer lets him in. He turns to the second Jamaican, who looks like a large fruit. "What the hell are you?" "I'm in dis pear!" says the Jamaican, and the bouncer lets him in. Then he turns to the last Jamaican and realises he's not in costume, in fact, he's totally naked except for a bowl of yellow stuff he's covering his crotch with. "Ok, the other two I got, but you're not coming in" says the bouncer, gesturing for the Jamaican to leave. The Jamaican stamps his foot and leaves the line, shouting "Well, I'm fuckin' disgusted!".

Took me a second, but got it.  Good joke overall, but I imagine the punch line works alot better if your saying it out loud.

Most of my jokes are like that. Still...



How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but they have to be pretty small.

Oh no.  Matt's found the joke thread. ;D

That was the worst joke, and yet so awesome at the same time.




Using a spoiler for this joke since there are ~10 images to do it


The History of Presidential Limos 


And for my next funny:

If a woman with a nice set of breasts works at Hooters, where does a woman with one leg work?



IHOP

Q: Why do women wear makeup and use perfume?
A: Because they are ugly and they smell bad.

Q.  What do 747s and blondes have in common?
A.  Both have HUGE cock pits.

:awesome_for_real:
Thank you.

Q: How do you make a duck sing?

A: Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!" The husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair..."

Here the husband took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

"Please, ..... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

Heh, I figured it was going that way but it was worth it.

A classic:

Why's Divorce so expensive?

 :grin:

Actually, it bears repeating.

...


Lots.


 :oh_i_see:

Hm, I forgot I posted it before.   However, as Ironwood said, it bears repeating.  The longer I'm married the more I begin to contemplate its truth, as well.  Hmm.

Why do men die before women? No one nags the women.

I heard that as:

Why do men die before their wives?  To escape.

A man and his wife are making love in their room when they are interrupted by their 4 year old son. 
"What are you doing?", asks the child on seeing his father on top of his mother.  The man is unable to come up with a good answer, and stammers something incoherent.  "Are you playing horsey?", the child asks.  "YES!", answers the father, relieved at not having to come up with an excuse.  "Well, hold on, I want to play to!"

The child returns wearing a cowboy hat and belt with a large silver buckle.  He jumps onto his father's back, and yells "RIDE EM COWBOY!".  The man looks anxiously at the woman, and she screams "JUST GO WITH IT!".  He shrugs, and gets back to business.

After a while, the wife's begins to moan, and her eye's roll back into her head.

"HOLD ON DAD!", the boy shouts. "This is usually the part where the mailman and I get thrown off!"

It was once said that a black man will be president "when pigs fly". Indeed 100 days into Obama's presidency...Swine Flu.

-Sorry

My nephew was born without eyelids.  When he was circumcised, they used his foreskin to make him some.

When the doctor was asked if there would be any side-effects, he dead-panned "He'll be cock-eyed for the rest of his life."

A Consultant dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, St Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations my son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Consultant sheepishly looks at St Peter and says "St Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, I tried to be ethical with all my mates and comrades, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive." "Congratulations for what?" says St Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The Consultant is awestruck and can only look at St Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at St Peter and says "St Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible my son," says St Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

What do you call cheese that does not belong to you?


Nacho cheese.

Possibly not safe for work offensive stupid joke:




A pirate bursts into a bar with a ships wheel protruding from his pants.

He shouts: ARRRRRRRRRRR Its driving ME NUTS!



A man says to his doctor, "Doc, I cant stop singing "She's A Lady."

The doctor replies, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me."

The man says, "Is it common?"

The doctor replies, "It's not unusual."



A Seal walks into a bar, the bartender asks "what do you want?"

The Seal replies "Anything but the Canadian Club."

A famous grouse walks into a bar and asks for a whisky.
The barman says 'Excuse me, but are you a famous grouse?
The famous grouse says 'why yes! Yes I am!'
So the barman says 'Well I bet you want the whisky named after you then.'
To which the famous grouse replies ' You have one called Colin?'

She's got more chins than a chinese phone book.

I've must have heard/read this one a hundred times by now and it still gets me everytime.

An English census-taker walks into an Irish hut in the highlands, and asks how many people live there.

The woman replies "twalf, sor".

idgi

ndi

Y'like dags?

"Sfor me ma"

I get that she's saying "twelve, sir".  I just don't get what I guess to be a pun.

Well, it is the stupid joke thread.  And so far, it's the first stupid joke.  The rest being actually funny on one level or another.

Oh good, it wasn't just me.

(http://www.clisham.com-a.googlepages.com/1245975542472.jpg)


Michael Jackson has canceled all his upcoming dates.

They were James (aged 9) and Thomas (aged 11).


(http://www.clisham.com-a.googlepages.com/1245971448824.jpg)

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett?

About 3 hours.

(http://www.clisham.com-a.googlepages.com/370px-Pedo_mourn_2.png)

They discovered the real Cause of Michael Jackson's death.  It was food poisoning.  He ate a 9 year old wiener.



But seriously.  It was a hereditary heart defect.  It was in his Billy gene.

I'd been saying he looked pale for ages.

What’s the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?

The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

Home Depot Scam

A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also, December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each



-----

An atheist was walking through the woods...

"What majestic trees! "
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.


As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

That bear joke is awesome.

"Sex after marriage is logically impossible.  You have to overcome the paradox of, 'Oh, this again,' with, 'Hey, where did you learn that?!'"

- Emo Phillips

(http://www.clisham.com-a.googlepages.com/BreakUp-Flowchart.jpg)

How do you find Will Smith when it's snowing?

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?


At the funeral, there is one less drunk.

The spouse is too upset to drink?  (The stiff is quite pickled...)

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATTLE airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Zing!

My mother just sent me a bunch of old Red Skelton material and I thought I'd share it with you lot. 

If you don't know who Red Skelton was, look HERE (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Skelton)

I love the Red Skelton.

Heard this one today

 What's Irish and makes Captain Kirk mad?

Because my daughter told me and it's sooo dumb.

How many Saiyns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"I've been married for 38 years, and I don't regret one of them."

"The year I don't regret was 1979..."

Edinburgh Fringe funniest

Traffic cop to Werner Heisenberg: 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg to traffic cop: 'No, but I know exactly where I am.'

That's so stupid, but as a chemist I can't stop laughing at it.

Dude I Know: "I don't have a problem with gay clubs, but it does make me uneasy being there. When a girl gets her ass grabbed, she has every right to slap the guy. So when a gay guy grabs my ass at a gay club, he can expect to see my fist."
Me: "I think that's what he was after."

Don't give up your day job...

What's the difference between the moon and a fat chick's ass?

Men have landed on the moon.

Man, you guys are really trying to make this thread live up to its title.

So anyways, a baby seal walks into a club....

Why did the man decide to stay with his whiskey-maker wife?

He said he loved her still.

Damnit why is this so dead. RISE.

I spent over an hour at my wife's grave last night.
Poor woman, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

Czechoslovakia, Cold War:

Gustav Husak [Secretary General of the Communist Party of Czechoslovakia] is walking around Prague, picking up rocks and collecting them in his pocket while making beeping sounds. His assistant gets worried about his mental health, calls Moscow and explains the situation. The man on the other end sighs and says:

-Oh shit, we must have accidentally sent him the Lunokhod orders again.



---------


A man gets eaten by Leonid Brezhnev and meets Gustav Husak in his stomach. He asks him:

"Comrade Secretary General, did you get eaten too?"

"No, I came here through the other end."




Ukraine, contemporary:

At the beginning of the first session of a freshly elected Ukrainian parliament the speaker doesn't know which fraction should be allowed to make the first speech.

"Western Ukrainian nationalists will start rambling about getting rid of Russians, Eastern Ukrainian nationalists will start blaming Jews, perhaps I'll let the Greens speak first."

A representative of the Green party accepts the invitation and starts his speech:

"My friends, my brother and sisters! What have we done to our beloved country? The rivers are drying up, the trees are being destroyed by wildfires! How will we drown kikes and hang moscals if we let this continue?!"

The WNBA.

How do you know if a Tenneesee fan is married?
There are dip stains on both sides of the truck.

A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "Why the long face?".


What's green and eats meat?  Syphillis.



Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupt-
MOOO!

What's yellow and wears a mask?

The Lone Lemon.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?



Nothing she just gagged a little.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
To hide in cherry trees

Why don't they paint them purple?
You ever try to hide in a grapevine?

Why do t they hide in orange groves?
Orange isn't flattering with grey.

How do you even know they do it to hide in cherry trees, anyway?
Have YOU ever seen one in a cherry tree?

So why DO elephants like to hide in cherry trees?
Their hobby is jumping out and stomping on people.

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants?
Look, a herd of elephants.

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he did t recognize them

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of giraffes?
Ha, you can't fool me twice, elephants! 

So how did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.

A horse walked into a bar and ordered a Long Island Ice Tea.  The bartender took one look at his long face and said, "Hey buddy, I can't serve you.  Looking like that, you've got to be some kind of drunk."

The horse paused and thought about the bartenders words for a moment.  With a sad sigh he responded, "I don't think I am."  And then he disappeared.

I know some of you might not get that joke.  It is based upon Descartes famous saying, "I think, therefore I am."

It might have helped you if I'd explained that before the joke, but that would have been putting Decartes before the horse.

"Children, you must know how good, very good Lenin was. Once old good Lenin was sitting on the bench in a park, sharpening his razor.
A little girl came and sit close to him. Lenin sharps the razor a bit, then looks at the girl and smiles. Sharps the razor, looks at the girl and smiles. And then the girl went off."

"So how does it show his goodness?"

"He could slit her throat any moment!

Have you ever smelled moth balls??


Yes?


How did you get their little legs far enough apart?

An Irish girl returns home after years of being out in the world, when she knocks on the door and sees her father she begins crying about her hardships and how happy she is to be home.

"What's wrong dear?" Her father asks happy to see his daughter again finally.

"Father when I was on my own, I became a prostitute to afford food and rent." She confesses this through choked sobs.

The father becomes livid, cursing her name and threatening to disown her, insulting her very being. Threatening to kick her out of his house for good and never looking back.

She sobs louder saying "Father please forgive me! I only had sex with those men because I needed the money to eat and live!"

The father stops shouting immediately as the anger drifts from his face.

"You said prostitute? I thought you said you had become a protestant! Quick come in your mother made dinner."